Category: College Basketball

4.0 GPA + 47ppg = 0 wins

The Div III Caltech basketball team hasn’t won a conference game in 21 years. 242 games! You’d think some point, they’d have accidentally won a game when the opposing team’s bus broke down or got hit by a meteor. Hell, even the Temple football wins a game every couple of years or so.

They are improving though.

In 2003-04, zero games were closer than 30 points; opponents scored over 80 points 19 times. Last season, the deficit was less than 20 in 11 games with Caltech holding 9 opponents to 65 points or less.

Man, those math geeks sure love their stats.

To be fair to the Techers, they did beat a non-conference team at the beginning of last year — Life Pacific College, a Christian Bible college with about 350 students. Hey a W is a W right?

[KC Star]: Brainy players can’t solve 0-242 puzzler
[Caltech]: Caltech Men’s Basketball page

I’m not just saying this because I hate Duke.  It really does in fact suck.

Here are some excerpts:

No bandage can cover my scars
It’s hard living a life behind invisible bars
Searching for the face of God
I’m only inspired by the poems of Nas

I’m impressed that JJ listens to Nas.  We would have pegged him for a Sisqo fan. Although I have to wonder which of Nas’ poems he finds inspiring.  Is it the one where he’s waving automatic guns at nuns?  Is it the where he calls Jay-Z a camel?

My life story is read in poetic stages
I was once weak-minded, now I’m courageous
The cause and effect of a thousand actions
The mathematical breakdown of micro-fractions
It’s difficult to fathom the coming of the rapture
What if I awoke in an empty pasture?

Uh… what?  Maybe he’s going to be the next Kirk Cameron or something.

Here’s my favorite:

The rain pours, my tears fall
The pain subsides, I stand in awe

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Please stick to the rivers and lakes that you’re used to.

You ever get the feeling that JJ writes these on the team bus and imagines he’s Eminem from 8 mile? Christian rap yo! represent.  

Sadly, the real poetry from Redick isn’t any better (or worse) than the spoof from Sports Pickle:

My Almost 1.5 Incher

My penis is very small
Yet I stand tall
Knocking down threes
Though I have to use tweezers when I pees
Rising above to hit another jumper
My opponents unaware that I’m hung like Thumper
Starring in the NBA is my next jump
Then I’ll be able to afford a top-of-the-line Swedish penis pump

[SI]: Selections from J.J. Redick

You were hoping I meant the Super Bowl XL refs right? Sorry, the refs in question were the crew that called an unnecessary technical foul on on a Florida State player during the Florida State-Duke game on Saturday.

After a hard foul, Sheldon Williams got into the face of Alexander Johnson. Johnson backed away immediately and the crew gave both Johnson and Williams technicals. Today, the ACC suspended Mike Eades, Ray Natili, and Ed Corbett for one game.

Imagine that. Refs who blew a call were actually disciplined by the league. I’m not sure where else this would be a good idea. What sport could possibly benefit from better refs? Mr. Tagliabue?

[Reverse Peephole]: ACC Suspends Duke-FSU refs
[Yahoo]: ACC suspends crew for call in Florida State-Duke game

CMU enrollment brochure

I don’t know a thing about the Chippewas and their current record is 3-13 so they probably won’t even make the NIT, but we are rooting for them anyway. OK, fine, this is just a weak excuse to bring up the CMU bikini calendar that has the university brass in an uproar.

We do not feel that this kind of publication serves the university well or the students,” said university spokesman Steve Smith.

Really? Cause I think raising money for Hurricane Katrina by showcasing the hot chicks you have on campus serves the university pretty well.

[Detroit News]:
Bikini calendar poses problem for CMU

Oh God Shammgod, why has thou forsaken us? Perhaps the best college basketball names of all time. There will never be one better. But from the folks over at Collegehoopnet, comes the current top 30 names in College basketball.

My favorites: Pops Mensah-Bonsu, Parfait Bittee, Austin Swig, Chris Porn, and, of course, Chief Kickingstallionsims.

File Under: Morons

$11,000 is the price of ruining your college and potential pro career.  Along with Price, Williams is now the second player to be arrested for the theft of four laptops on campus.  Being idolized on campus and all the chicks you want aren’t enough for these idiots.  Police expect to make one more arrest.  I hope to God it’s the mascott.  Now that would be funny.