Author: clay

Categories
Washington Redskins

LaRon Landry takes a paintball to the package


Okay, so we promised that we weren’t going to be giving you any more stories about jocks’ jocks but there was no way we could let this pass us by. Washington Redskins rookie LaRon Landry was injured on Wednesday when he was shot in the groin with a paintball during a “team-building outing.” According to the new old ol’ ball coach Joe Gibbs, Landry should be fine after a few days of rest. Maybe we’re skeptics, but it sounds to us like the No. 6 overall pick just wanted to get out of minicamp. C’mon, who hasn’t used the old “shot in the groin with a paintball” excuse?

What’s really funny about all of this is that Marcus Washington claims he had no idea that paintballs could cause an injury.

I didn’t know paintball was that dangerous,” linebacker Washington said. “I hope it wasn’t friendly fire.

There’s a joke involving Pat Tillman in there somewhere but we’re just going to let it slide.

Links:

[NBC4.com]: Paintball Injury Sideline Redskins’ No. 1 Pick

Categories
Soccer

That new Gatorade A.M. crap goes right through us too

We thought that Byron Houston’s little incident was going to be enough public exhibitionism for the day but then we were horrified to find out that Houston isn’t the only pervert with no shame to rear his ugly head today. Turns out that some whacky soccer guy (is there any other kind?) named DeMarcus Beasley had a few too many Capri Suns before the game and ended up taking a piss right on the sideline. But he was very subtle about it so that nobody could tell. Of course, we’re guessing that he didn’t know there was a camera focused in on him the entire time.

And unless Zydrunas Ilgauskas or Scot Pollard decides to relieve their frustrations of getting swept out of the finals by the Spurs by flashing pedestrians on the street, we’re not going to bring you anymore news about wieners for the rest of the day. Promise.

Links:

[Our Book of Scrap]: Hey, When You Gotta Go, You Gotta Go

Categories
NBA General

How does he do it? We can’t even eat in the car without making a mess


Former NBA player Byron Houston was just minding his own business on Wednesday, driving around Oklahoma City while masturbating and giving all the passing vehicles a clear look at his dirty deed. And for some strange reason, a woman got offended, called the police and got Houston arrested. Geez, lady, you’re no fun at all.

Houston got tossed into the clink on charges of indecent exposure, engaging in a lewd act and driving with a canceled license. That’s gotta be pretty humiliating for the guy. Oh, never mind, he’s actually been convicted three prior times for indecent exposure so the humiliation must have worn off long ago. Hell, this is getting to be old hat for the guy. But if Houston gets convicted on this most recent charge, he could be facing anywhere from 20 years to life behind bars in prison. Oh, and Byron, it might be a good idea to keep everything under wraps if you go to the big house because exposing yourself could lead to other things that you probably don’t want to be involved with.

Houston definitely has a few screws loose if this is how he’s spending his free time. But at least now we know where Eddie Griffin picked up the nasty little habit.

Links:

[KOCO.com]: Former OSU Star Accused Of Indecent Exposure

Categories
San Antonio Spurs

Around the Rim: The Spurs Dynasty


They’re considered dull by many and boring by most but it really doesn’t matter what anyone thinks about their style because the San Antonio Spurs have now joined the Celtics, Lakers and Bulls as the only franchises in league history to grab four championships. But the Spurs have something those teams don’t: the all-time best winning percentage in the finals. In their four trips to the game’s greatest stage in the past nine years, San Antonio has amassed an impressive 16-6 record (.727).

And while Tim Duncan will get all the coverage as possibly being the best player since Michael Jordan suited up, Tony Parker scooped up the MVP honors after he averaged 24.5 points per game in the series and put in 24 in the trophy clinching Game 4. But, as always, it was a complete team effort by SA that derailed the Cavaliers’ hopes of digging out of a 0-3 hole.

Duncan struggled from the field (4-15 FGs) and from the line (4-10 FT), but he still managed to finish with a typical Big Fundamental stat line of 12 points, 15 rebounds, three assists, two steals and two blocks. Manu Ginobili came up big in the fourth quarter where he scored 13 of his game-high 27 points. And while his offensive output is normally nonexistent, Bruce Bowen has got to be allowed a few extra days with the Larry O’Brien Trophy because his smothering of James on almost every possession was key to the sweep. Sure, LeBron got his numbers anyway (24 points, 10 assists, six rebounds), but his shots were constantly contested as he finished the series shooting just 32-of-90 from the field.

So, does this officially qualify the Spurs as a “dynasty”? While four titles in nine years is awfully impressive, San Antonio needs to snatch up a ring in an even numbered year to join the truly elite. Specifically, they’ll have to win it all in 2008 to get labeled with the D-word. Should they manage to pull it off, the Spurs would have back-to-back championships and a streak of five titles in ten years; ensuring a decade of domination.

Categories
Dallas Mavericks

Happy early birthday Dirk!

In case you didn’t know, Dirk Nowitzki will be turning 29 on Tuesday. So what do you get the guy who already has everything? Well, he doesn’t have everything; Dwyane Wade and Baron Davis kinda ruined his last couple of shots at grabbing some championship hardware, but other than that the guy is pretty well set. Life is good when you’re a kick-ass baller and your billionaire boss has a Texas sized crush on you.

Anyways, since we don’t have the funds to buy Dirk a decent b-day present this year, we’re just going to sign our name onto Amber’s card and pass it along to the big guy. After all, it’s the thought that counts, right?

Links:

[Our Book of Scrap]: Someone Really (And I Mean Really) Likes Dirk Nowitzki

Categories
All Other Sports

It’s time for a wicked shot to the funny bone

The Best Damn Sports Show Period isn’t worth a damn in our opinion. If you think the blowhards over at ESPN are obnoxious and annoying, just try to stomach 15 minutes with Chris Rose and his band of merry men. But we do have to give those losers credit when it is due; they have become the kings of the “Top 50” list. Usually, programs just butcher these kinds of things and leave you more pissed off than appreciative, but not at The Best Damn.

So, without further ado, we give to you the Top 50 Sports Bloopers. Don’t worry, we excluded all the footage of John Salley from the tape.

And considering that there is no No. 1 to cap off the list we thought that we might nominate one of these clips from this numbskull fisherman.

Categories
NFL General

The NFL finally lets Mikey and Jack play dress-up



We’re too sexy for our team branded
Reebok gear.

Roger Goddell might be still be kinda new to his job but he continues to make a huge impact on the league. And more importantly, he’s really impressing the hell out of us.

After battling and battling with the NFL and Reebok the new commish gave San Francisco 49ers head coach Mike Nolan permission to wear a suit on the sidelines. Well, he kind of granted him permission. Nolan can wear a suit during all home games but unfortunately it’s got to be a Reebok suit. You might think that Reebok can only make wind suits or sweat suits but considering they are the official outfitters of NFL coaches, it looks like they had better start learning how to sew up the Armani kind.

But Nolan isn’t the only coach with some class; the Jacksonville Jaguars’ Jack Del Rio was also given the same deal. And why not? If the NFL isn’t going to humiliate the coaches by making them wear uniforms like in MLB, then we say they should spruce the league up a bit and mandate suits for all coaches.

We understand that there is an entire business behind the individuals on the field, but why was this ever an issue in the first place. Don’t we have enough logos plastered all over the players and field already? Do we really have to make sure that there is a Reebok emblem every single time the production booth cuts to a shot of a coach with a laminated piece of paper over his face? And plus, the alternative is that all your coaches could end up looking like a homeless drunken panhandler Bill Belichick.

Links:

[USAToday.com]: NFL grants coaches OK to wear suits on sidelines

Categories
College Basketball

Billy Donovan sucks, but not as bad as these guys


Minor league baseball is notorious for having absolutely gosh awful promotions. Take the retarded gimmickry of the Portland Beavers a while back. Bob L. Head night?! Talk about grasping at straws! Oh, but Portland is not the first, nor the last, to literally scrape the bottom of the creative barrel when it comes to putting asses in the seats. The latest perpetrator of pitiful promotions comes to us from the sunny state of Florida.

The marketing geniuses with the Single-A Fort Myers Miracle came up with the timely idea of having “Billy Donovan Night” after the Gators Magic Gators coach tarnished his legacy and broke the hearts of millions of Orlando fans. So, how exactly to you pay homage to a man who’s know as a lying, backstabbing, two faced, weasely little bastard? Why you make fun of him in some of the most ridiculous fashions possible of course.

All ticket issues will be up for negotiation during the first three innings with a power hungry local attorney serving as the final say in all matters. Everything from ticket price to seat location is up for debate during the brief period of 18 outs.

If it’s a Yankee fan, I’m going to tell them to go take their seat and sit there for the whole nine innings,” (Michael) Hornung said. “I have free reign. I’m judge and jury.

If having a period of negotiation isn’t a feeble enough attempt at humor for you, just wait til you hear about the other cheap shots the Miracle have in store for “Billy Donovan Night.” First, they are going to have a local loser named Billy Donovan throw out the first pitch. Next, waffles will be served to the crowd to commemorate Donovan’s “waffling” behavior. And if that still isn’t stupid enough for you then just stick around until the complimentary hair gel is handed out to poke fun at Billy’s hairdo.

Damn, and we thought this guy made the minor league look ridiculous! The only way this idea could possibly be a success in our eyes is if they hold the game at Rolling Rock Park.

Links:

[SI.com]: Minor-league promotion parodies Billy Donovan

Categories
All Other Sports

Don’t worry, Mr. McMahon is still alive and kickin’



Who looks silly now?

We’ve always known that pro wrasslin’ fans were a little sick in the head. Hell, we’re WWE fans so we have first hand knowledge of just exactly how mentally twisted you have be to enjoy that stuff. But having a socially impairing addiction like an unusual attraction to a weekly two hour spandexfest is no excuse for being as gullible as Isiah Thomas.

WWE fans were in an uproar on Tuesday after Monday Night RAW concluded with an increasingly delusional Vince McMahon climbing into his limo which immediately exploded into a fiery cloud. Apparently those idiotic diehards who refuse to believe that these shows are scripted actually believed that the president of the billion dollar entity known as WWE had died in the “accident.” What freaking fools! Anyone who watches RAW, Smackdown or ECW with any sort of regularity knew this was a twist on the “self destruction of Mr. McMahon” storyline.

And even if you are stupid enough to believe that Vince’s limo would simply spontaneously combust when he shut the door, do you really think that there would be cameras strategically placed all around the carnage to catch every second of the pyrotechnic display? Good grief!

Why is it that wrestling is always getting dissed as the most obvious case of horrible acting on the planet 364 days out of the year, but then, the one day when something so incredibly cinematically scripted happens, everyone suddenly believes that they’re watching a slice of reality?

What’s next? Are you going to try and tell us that Owen Hart is really dead too?

Links:

[TimesLeader.com]: Vince McMahon’s hoax goes up in smoke

Categories
Golf

Nut shots! Get your nut shots here!

We’re just like anyone else; we absolutely love when dudes get nailed in the package. And advertising agencies across the globe are really starting to cash in on this fact. The other day we showed you a Rolling Rock commercial in which an entire ballpark of crotches got smashed by one vindictive ball. We were more than satisfied to have that clip in our back pocket for whenever we got the itchin’ for a juvenile chuckle, but we’re really in heaven now that we’ve stumbled across this nut smashing good ad.

But as funny as those commercials are to us, nothing beats the real thing. You just can’t imitate the sudden rush of pain that comes with a real live racking. Especially when the racking is robotic!