Tag: funny

Categories
College Football

Mack Brown gets another decade tacked onto his contract

Get ready for a whole lot more of Mack Brown wearing burnt orange because it looks like the Longhorns head coach will be receiving a new contract for an additional 10 years later today. Brown has already put in a decade of work in Austin and is currently making about $2.6 million with an even $100,000 raise per year. This new deal should vault him up into the $3 million per year range. Not too shabby for a guy who used to have a bounty on his head because he couldn’t win the big games.

Vince Young should be receiving his thank you card in the mail any day now.

Links:

[ESPN.com]: Source: Texas coach Brown to be extended through 2017

Categories
All Other Sports

A funny thing happened on the way over a hurdle

If you can make it to the world championships of anything then you’ve gotta be pretty darn good at your area of competition. So, we going to guess that nine times outta ten, Austrian steeplechaser Guenther Weidlinger makes it over those precarious hurdles on the course without even breaking a sweat. Luckily for us, the one time he didn’t make it over the top there were cameras in place to record the entire painful disaster.

Ya’ know, now that we think about it, we’re starting to think that ol’ Guenther might be the long lost cousin of this guy.

Links:

[MSNBC]: Austrian smacks face into hurdle at worlds

Categories
Denver Broncos

Travis Henry consistently produces, both on and off the field


Travis Henry got banged up in a game against the Cowboys a few weeks back and his status for opening day has been somewhat up in the air. However, it’s starting to look like Henry will be healthy for the start of the season, which is great news for all of his fantasy owners. But, more importantly, it means that Henry will still be the family breadwinner who’s bringing home the bacon to his kids. All nine of them!

Oh, and did we mention that the nine kids were with nine different women!

People can judge me all they want,” Henry said as he watched his team warm up for its preseason game Saturday night against the Cleveland Browns at Invesco Field at Mile High. “But only God can judge me.”

Henry’s personal life was recently revealed after he received a child-support judgment in a DeKalb County, Ga., court. It’s not the first time a professional athlete has been involved in such controversy. Former NBA star Shawn Kemp has seven children with six women and Derrick Thomas, the late linebacker of the Kansas City Chiefs, had seven children with five women.

Nine children with nine women is a new standard.

“A lot of stuff that’s been put out there isn’t true, but I’m not going to get into that right now,” Henry said. “The important thing is I want to take care of my kids really and truly. It’s all good.

Damn, if Henry got as much exposure as Tom Brady, Tiger Woods, Jeff Gordon and LeBron James for fathering a child then ESPN would have to dedicate an entire channel to his procreative efforts.

And for all you fantasy GM’s out there, here’s a word of advice for draft day. While his production won’t be nearly as high, Henry slightly edges out guys like Shaun Alexander, Frank Gore and Larry Johnson if you’re in a point per pregnancy league.

Links:

[DenverPost.com]: Travis Henry at ease with big fatherhood statistics

Categories
Dallas Mavericks

Mark Cuban is slapping on his dancin’ shoes


Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban has done some crazy things in his day. In fact, it’s getting kinda difficult to determine exactly what has been the low-light (if there is such a thing for a billionaire) of his career so far. There were all those times he ran onto the court during games, and there was that time he started dispensing Blizzards at Dairy Queen. But, to us, the image that is seared into our brains is Cuban crying like baby when he presented Dirk Nowitzki with the MVP trophy. Luckily, Cubes is reclaiming his manhood and dignity with his latest project.

Just like so many twinkle toes before him, Cuban is set to be a contestant on the wildly popular Dancing With the Stars! We’d really, really love to bust Cuban’s balls over this move, but actually we can’t complain because until now we’ve never cared to watch the stupid show. Anyways, when the show kicks off its latest season on September 24, then we’ll have all the ammo we need to completely annihilate him. Call us crazy, but we’re guessing that Cuban makes Kenny Mayne look like Baryshnikov.

Links:

[SI.com]: Cuban joins next cast of Dancing With The Stars

Categories
Soccer

Goal celebrations in soccer just ain’t what they used to be

There is absolutely no way on God’s green earth that anyone knows what a soccer player is going to do next. Heck, we don’t think that they even know what they are doing half the time. Sure, these guys know what to do when the ball is in play, but it’s the post goal celebrations that have us shaking our heads.

According to The Offside, this guy earned a $1,200 fine and a six-month suspension for his undie escapade. If that kind of revelry gets a fella six months then we’re figuring that this `jubilant’ soccer dude got a lifetime ban from the sport following his celebration.

Links:

[The Offside]: Iranian Striker Celebrates Goal by taking off his Pants

Categories
MLB General

Tim Kurkjian basically wet himself talking about the Rangers-Orioles game

If you thought that the Ranger faithful got excited about Wednesday night’s monumental 30-3 victory in which they rallied from a 3-0 hole, just wait until you get a load of Tim Kurkjian on Baseball Tonight. You can actually hear his inner prepubescent child cry out in elation.

Now, if we could just get Woody Paige to start showing a little on-air zaniness then we’d be set.

Categories
NFL General

Peyton Manning puts in his two cents on Tiki Barber

Apparently the Tiki Barber/Eli Manning feud has reached a point where the normally reserved Peyton Manning has decided to step up to the plate for his little bro. But Peyton didn’t let his sharp tongue sting only Barber as he decided to take a shot at virtually all former players who decide to join the media upon retirement.

Ex-players truly become ex-players right away, the No. 1 job is to criticize players,” said Peyton Manning, who had his ability to lead publicly questioned several years ago by the former Colts place-kicker Mike Vanderjagt. “I’m pretty defensive of all quarterbacks. Eli is my brother. I’m very loyal to my family. I’d rather you criticize me. I don’t think anybody knows what it’s like to be a quarterback except a current quarterback. Sometimes former quarterbacks forget what’s it’s like. You cannot play quarterback at any level — you’re in a leadership position. To do it for three years in high school, three years as a starter in college, taking your team to the playoffs — you are a leader and you’re a good leader.

Manning added: “It’s supposed to be a code, teammates to teammates. That’s the problem we’re going to have with ex-players going to the media. When I retire, I know what I don’t want to do.

Boy, are we relieved to hear that! We were so afraid that Peyton would waste his time in a studio with Chris Berman or Bob Costas after he hung `em up. Hopefully this means that he’ll be focusing on his acting career once his playing days are over.

Links:

[NYTimes.com]: Manning Makes Strong Defense of Manning

Categories
College Football

Crazy football fan just loves him some Raiders

College football is almost here and we can’t wait until the whole pomp and circumstance of the game kicks off. Lee Corso donning the mascot head, the bands, tailgating, school songs; hell, we love the spectacle as much as the head-knocking and football spiking. But as the race for the national championship prepares for the opening leg, we gotta remember that the game is what it is because of the fans. Without them around, football just wouldn’t be the same.

GOOOOO RAIDERS!!!

Categories
NFL General

ESPN’s fantasy football draft bombs before it even goes live

When it comes to news about the NFL, ESPN is usually a pretty accurate channel to turn to. However, when it comes to the world of fantasy football, we’ve learned that it’s better to just skip out on the juggernaut’s advice or, at least, their fantasy draft specials.

Tonight at 6:30 CT, ESPN will be conducting their annual live fantasy draft and they’ve assembled another panel of boring “celebrity” blah to completely misguide you. This year’s drafters consist of the following ‘experts’: Cato June, Sean Salisbury, Mark Schlereth (aka Roc Hoover), Steve Young, Chris Mortensen, Michael Smith, Nick Bakay and Jerry O’Connell. Guess ESPN used up all their quality star connections in those stupid Who’s Now segments.

Listen, we know that most of these guys know their football, but that doesn’t mean they know their fantasy football. After all, Mortensen took Reggie Bush at No. 6 overall last year and Mike Ditka took the Bears defense in the fourth round! If that’s not pure homerism then we don’t know what is. And two years ago, Suzy Kolber dished out the worst advice in fantasy history when she took Brett Favre with her first pick! Sorry guys, but this crappy show just isn’t worth our valuable time or the 1.5% of our DVR’s memory that would be wasted to record it.

But now that we’ve mentioned lil’ Suzy, there’s no way we could not show her other career defining moment:

Links:

[Awful Announcing]: ESPN “Celebrity” Fantasy Football League Filled With Big Names

Categories
Soccer

What’s that smell? Oh, it’s just soccer

Frankly, we just don’t get the obsession that some people have with soccer, but if you replace the soccer game that’s being shown in this commercial with a NFL game between the Raiders and the Browns and we’re in the exact same position.

And considering that most Saturdays are spent tailgating with copious amounts of greasy meat and adult beverages being consumed, this slice of life is pretty accurate for the Sportscolumn crew’s fall Sundays.