If you like high-budget, FX enhanced, blockbusters like The Matrix, Spiderman, Terminator or Indiana Jones then you’ll love DOA: Dead or Alive. Actually, that’s a load of horse crap because the movie looks like a total waste of time that could be better utilized tweezing your nose hairs or popping your dog’s anal glands. Actually, we take that back. There is a pretty sick volleyball scene that makes Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon look like Anaconda. And Jamie Pressly in a bikini never hurt anybody either.
We here at SportsColumn absolutely abhor political correctness. So, obviously, we’re thrilled to be heading out to the ballpark tonight to take in a few innings of minor league baseball on Politically Incorrect Night. Don’t worry, don’t worry; the oh-so-annoying Bill Maher is not scheduled to be in attendance to see the Lowell Spinners. Sigh of relief
Thur, July 24th @ LeLacheur Park – Politically Incorrect Night
– The stadium will have `men only’ entrances to the game because men are obviously the superior creatures
– The first 250 women to attend the game will be given Lowell Spinners potholders so that they can properly cook dinner for their husbands
– There will be designated napping areas around the park available for all senior citizens to `rest their eyes’ because old people get tired quickly
– Fans are encouraged to drive to the game separately and will be given complimentary gas cards in an effort to use up as much gas as possible
– Cars will be needlessly driven between innings as a tribute to gas guzzlers
Pretty cool, huh. Wasting gas, putting women in check and watching baseball, it just doesn’t get any better than that! Certainly beats the heck out of Wednesday night’s theme.
Wed, July 23rd @ LeLacheur Park – Politically Correct Night
– Gender neutral terms will be used, ie: `first baseperson’ instead of `first baseman’, `batperson’ instead of `batboy’
– Non-demeaning terms will be used as well, ie: `vertically-challenged stop’ instead of ‘shortstop’
– Players that commit an error will not be named in an effort to make sure their feelings don’t get hurt (This one would help Lugo out!)
– There will be no specific `Fan Of The Game.’ Everyone that attends will be recognized as a `fan of the game’
– Fans will be encouraged to `Go Green’ by recycling while at the park, and carpooling or using public transportation to get to the game
In case you missed it – wait, what the hell are we saying? Of course you missed it, we’re talking WNBA here. The odds of someone actually catching the Malice in the Palace Part Deux live is about as likely as Andy Dick being crowned winner of season two of The Pick-up Artist. But, as with any catfight, word spread quickly amongst the male community and televisions around the world simultaneoulsly tuned to ESPN and, in unison, we waited for our highlights to arrive. Oh, and arrive they did.
So after watching that we know plenty about the brawl and the aftermath, but somewhere in the melee we lost focus of what caused the first ever WNBA brawl. Luckily, Epic Carnival has narrowed it down to 11 possibilities.
11. It’s what the audience wants, though it would have been so much better with just a little hair pulling and wardrobe malfunctions
10. When it’s the Shock and the Sparks, you just have to expect this kind of intensity, dammit
9. Shock assistant coach Rick Mahorn had a flashback to his past lives
8. Lisa Leslie’s kid wouldn’t go to sleep last night, so she was kind of on edge
7. David Stern told the league that if they didn’t do something to get publicity, he’d cancel the apples and salt licks
6. Someone called Mahorn fat, which is totally unfair, as he’s just retaining water at this time of the month
5. Not enough foreign-born players in the league to defray actual hostilities with comic flopping
4. Players are still bitter over the lack of fantasy league action on their games
3. Trying to eliminate all differences from the men’s game, even the ones that are probably good
2. The WNBA’s several dollar fines are not enough of a deterrent to the players, many of whom make four figures
1. The collective prayers of sports bloggers desperate for a train wreck event to write about were answered
See, we always knew professional wrestling was fake and here’s the proof.
We’re not the only ones who thought was blatantly staged, right? There’s no way the industry can survive with horribly unbelievable performances like that one. C’mon, give us a break, nobody gets up from a superplex!
Ever since Nike came up with their “Swoosh” logo, other shoe companies have desperately attempted to distinguish themselves with a similarly iconic symbol. Most, if not all, have failed to even breath the same air as Nike when it comes to logos and it’s primarily because of ideas like this one.
Adidas has released a cross-promotional ad campaign overseas with their mobile pals Au and there seems to be something distinctly haunting about their new graphic. Do you see it? There. Look. It’s smacking you right in the face like a Nazi World War II SS lightning bolt logo. Oh, well there you have it. Apparently this has gone unnoticed, but Adidas–a German company–is probably aware.
If anyone out there was foolish enough to doubt the power of Anderson Silva, they got a serious wakeup call on Saturday night upon witnessing the Spider step up in weight and waste James Irvin is about a minute.
Hey! Was that Mandy Moore?? We were distracted by the gigantic cut under Irvin’s eye and this wicked knockout.
The world’s a tough place and if you’re going to survive then you have to be able to protect yourself. Now, you can either spend a lifetime learning self defense techniques or you can do like you did in college with your midterms and try to master everything in one sitting before the test. Here’s your cheat sheet:
Now go pick a fight with someone in a gi and report back. By the way, how did those midterms turn out for you?
A good general rule of thumb in life is that you shouldn’t believe something until you’ve seen it. But with modern technology, you can’t always be certain that what you are seeing is authentic. Pictures and videos are easily manipulated and put on the web, quickly spreading to the farthest reaches of cyberspace, creating massive confusion and bewilderment. Luckily, we have honest, stand up folks, like this guy, who go out of their way to give credibility to their amazing videos.
In every sport, it’s bound to happen. People are going to make mistakes. Whether we’re talking about basketball, hockey, fishing, boxing, poker or golf, goof-ups are inevitable. Still, the extreme sports are hands down the winners when it comes to making the most humorous mistakes. After all, there’s no way shooting an airball or falling off a boat could ever compete with flubs like this: