Author: clay

Categories
General Sports

Can somebody please throw Stu Scott in front of a moving bus?

Trying to explain what a douche Stuart Scott is has become like trying to explain the science behind what happens to a star when it gets sucked into a black hole. Sometimes it’s just easier to observe the subject’s behaviors in order to quantify their complexity or, in Stu’s case, his doucheiness.

This kind of crap has gone on long enough and we here at SportsColumn aren’t going to take it anymore. So, our plan is to assassinate Stuart Scott immediately. However, to do so we will need monetary contributions from Stu Scott despisers like you. So, please partake in our fund raiser. The sooner you do, the sooner this one-eyed nightmare will be over.

Spoken word.

Links:

[Awful Announcing]: Stu Scott’s Ridiculous Deaf Poetry Slam

Categories
High School Sports

High school girl dunks and dunks and dunks and dunks…

There used to be this crazy myth that “white men can’t jump.” There was a movie about it and everything, maybe you’ve heard of it. Well, it’s pretty evident that claim is completely inaccurate. You did see Brent Barry sky at the 1996 Slam Dunk Contest, right? If that wasn’t aerial poetry in motion then we don’t know what is.

So, now that we’ve established that whites can dunk, let’s turn our attention to the stereotype that women can’t throw down. We know that there have a handful of ladies to dunk in a game, most notable Candace Parker and Michelle Snow, but they were in college. If you really want to see a myth get busted to bits then you’ve gotta check out Houston’s Brittney Griner.

She’s a junior in high school (verbal commitment to Baylor) and she’s 6-foot-7 with a size 17 shoe. Apparently, she’s been described as “a Charles Barkley type in a Plaxico Burress body.” By “Charles Barkley type,” we’re assuming they mean in her tenacity and drive to play bigger than she really is because we’ve seen the video and Sir-Cumference hasn’t displayed hops like hers since he was going coast to coast for the Sixers in those itty-bitty shorts.

Her dunks might not be all that flashy, but she’s got a much higher conversion rate than Nate ‘Do Over’ Robinson. Then again, we seriously doubt she could block Yao Ming.

Links:

[USAToday.com]: Have you seen her?

Categories
Cincinnati Bengals

Chad Johnson is committed to laying the smacketh down on every citizen of earth


If you ever met Chad Johnson, what would you say? More importantly, what would you want him to say? You might not even know it, but you want him to deliver some gum-flapping, spittle-spraying, momma-ragging trash talk in your direction.

Odds are, you’ll never get close enough to Ocho-Cinco that he’d unload on you, but thanks to his new website you can get all the gum-flapping and momma-ragging minus the spittle. Pretty sweet, huh?

Just plug in your name and then send a personalized message to one of your closest pals by entering their name and phone number.

It goes something like this: “Hey, Jeffrey, this is Chad Johnson …Your boy says you’re a Kansas City fan. I don’t care how many times they win at home or how loud their fans get. Those boys (Chiefs) got no chance!

“… Who they think gonna stop me? I can’t even stop me! … Take some risks. You gotta take the big risks to get the big celebrations … You got a problem with this? Take it up with (your name) … Oh, and don’t forget: `85 in ’07,’ it’s all going down.”

The trash talk is geared toward any team you choose.

For the Patriots, Johnson declares, “I heard your new wide receiver’s over the hill. Me? I’m king of the hill.

Even though end zone celebrations have become rather cliché in recent years, trash talk will always remain in vogue.

Links:

[KansasCity.com]: No one is immune to Chad Johnson’s trash talk

Categories
Detroit Pistons

Rasheed Wallace was once in bed at 1:00 in the morning? Our Sheed?


You know that NBA teams are back in training camp, right? You did remember that the NBA season is right around the corner, didn’t you? Yea, we know; the NBA doesn’t start until MLB, NFL and NCAA football wrap up. But that doesn’t mean that rookies aren’t still getting hazed.

It’s a fact of life: cold showers, being taped to the goalpost, getting beaten with bars of soaps inside of a sock in your sleep, the shocker. These are some of the most infamous `team building’ exercises out there. Luckily, Rasheed Wallace didn’t have to worry about the last two; at least not to our knowledge.

Nothing really embarrassing, just tedious tasks,” Wallace said, recalling what veterans like Chris Webber made him do as a rookie on the Washington Wizards. “One night Webber was downtown and it was about 1, 1:30 in the morning. He called me up talking about how he needs a ride.”

Wallace, worried that Webber was drunk and couldn’t get home, climbed out of bed and got in his car.

“When I got downtown, come to find out, he didn’t need a ride,” Wallace said. “I was upset. But there wasn’t nothing I could do — I was the rook. But I didn’t do nothing really heavy like these guys are going to do.”

Wallace has already struck once, writing the word “Rook” on his teammates’ headbands for the team’s open practice last week. That’s only the beginning, he said.

“It’s coming; it’s coming,” Wallace said. “They’re going to take us out to dinner and everything. Doughnuts, coffee, all that. It’s coming.”

Wallace said they should feel happy that they have one another. He was his team’s only rookie; this way, “they can combine their money together.

Making the young guys pick up the bill and bring the doughnuts is all well and good, but Webber’s outlook on hazing it totally more our style. But what we can’t believe is that a young Sheed was actually able to keep his cool when C-Webb dragged him outta bed. This is the same Rasheed we’re thinking about, right? `Both teams played hard‘ Rasheed, right?

Links:

[Freep.com]: Pistons rookies ready for hazing; `Sheed recalls what Webber did to him

Categories
Dallas Cowboys

Life is good when you’re Tony Romo, both on and off the field


If you think that Scott Van Pelt is the only person in America with a giant-sized man crush on Tony Romo then you’re outta your mind! After wowing the world with the longest four yard gain in the history of football and then overcoming a five interception performance to lead the Cowboys to victory, there are so many people on the bandwagon that Dallas is legitimately America’s Team again.

So, does he really deserve all the hype? Well, it’s hard to argue with the numbers. When you compare his first 16 games to the starts of some other notable quarterbacks, Romo looks like he could be on his way to becoming a football god.

TONY ROMO
Record: 11-4
Stats: 305 of 481 (63.4 pct); 4,149 yards (276.6 ypg); 29 TDs; 18 INTs
Noteworthy: Seven 300-yard games; only Troy Aikman (13) and Danny White (10) have more in club history.

ROGER STAUBACH
Record: 15-1
Stats: 158 of 277 (57.0); 2,274 yards (142.1); 19 TDs; 9 INTs
Noteworthy: Led Cowboys to Super Bowl title the season he took over.

TROY AIKMAN
Record: 2-14
Stats: 239 of 433 (55.2); 2,664 yards (166.5); 12 TDs; 25 INTs
Noteworthy: With nowhere to go but up, Aikman went on to win three Super Bowls in a 4-year span.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER
Record: 15-1
Stats: 219 of 335 (65.4); 3,133 yards (195.8); 21 TDs; 9 INTs
Noteworthy: First loss was in his 16th career start, vs. Patriots, the team Romo is facing Sunday in his 16th career start. He led Steelers to Super Bowl title his second season in charge.

TOM BRADY
Record: 13-3
Stats: 313 of 481 (65.1); 3,360 yards (210); 23 TDs; 13 INTs
Noteworthy: Like Romo, got his big chance by replacing Drew Bledsoe. Like Aikman, won three Super Bowls in four years.

BRETT FAVRE
Record: 9-7
Stats: 323 of 502 (64.3); 3,390 yards (211.9); 20 TDs; 17 INTs
Noteworthy: Favre’s rise to becoming the owner of most prestigious QB records got going in Green Bay in 1992, and 12-year-old Romo was watching closely in Burlington, Wisc.

PEYTON MANNING
Record: 3-13
Stats: 326 of 575 (56.7); 3,739 yards (233.7); 26 TDs; 28 INTs
Noteworthy: At 9-0 last season, and headed to a Super Bowl title, Manning’s first loss was to the Romo-led Cowboys.

Now, we’re not quite ready to crown Romo the next John Elway just yet. We’re not even ready to crown him the next Jim Kelly. Until his Crisco hands get the Boys a postseason victory he’s still just plain ol’ Tony Romo to us. Once he gets four Super Bowl defeats under his belt then maybe we’ll elevate him to Kellyesque status.

Links:

[KCBD.com]: How Tony Romo compares to other great QBs through their first 16 games

Categories
Colorado Rockies

Denver TV station’s idea of news is painting plaster purple


Finding quality human interest stories can be tough and when you try prefabricating them around a specific subject then it becomes even more difficult. However, this Denver news station obviously scraped the bottom of the barrel clean long ago if this is the best Rockies related tidbit they could come up with.

Breaking your arm is never fun. But for 7-year-old Daniel Brockman, it couldn’t have come at a better time.

Daniel was playing basketball Monday night when he fell and broke his arm in several places. After surgery at Presbyterian/St. Luke’s Medical Center, Dr. Laurel Benson asked him what kind of cast he wanted.

She offered him casts featuring superheroes like Batman and Spiderman, but Daniel didn’t seem interested. Then his dad said she said the magic words. She offered him a Rockies cast.

“His eyes lit up,” dad Mark Brockman told 7NEWS. “He was like ‘Yeah, I want a Rockies cast.'”

Benson hopes the cast gives him something to show his friends.

“He’s going to be in that cast for four weeks,” she said. “So hopefully it makes him feel special and he gets to show off his love for the Rockies.”

The Brockman family doesn’t have tickets to any of the Rockies upcoming playoff games, so they’ll be watching from their home in Castle Rock.

A stupid Rockies cast!! That’s all you got? Seriously, a Rockies cast? What, Denver doesn’t have any fanatical nuns to feature?

Look, we do feel kinda bad for the kid; after all, four weeks to a 7-year-old is basically a life sentence. But we’re not going to go overboard or anything because thanks to the last sentence in that story, we can guarantee the Brockmans are sitting in a luxury box when Colorado brings their series with Arizona to Denver on Sunday. Meanwhile, we’re going to be trying to keep the foil properly positioned on our rabbit ears just to get semi decent reception.

You know, that’s actually not a half bad idea. This kid might be on to something.

We’ll snap our legs right now and get red, white and blue casts if some desperate news outlet gives us a plug that results in Patriots/Cowboys tickets.

Links:

[TheDenverChannel.com]: Kid `Casts’ His Love Of Rockies

Categories
General Sports

Mike Gundy strikes again

There have been a lot of Mike Gundy imitation videos popping up on the web since he threw his little temper tantrum on Jenni Carlson a few weeks back. We thought we’d seen all of `em and we had. Well, we’d seen all the copycats on the small screens of YouTube, but we totally forgot to pay attention to the slighter larger screen that’s sitting in our living room.

That has got to be the best impression of Mike Gundy’s tirade since, well, Mike Gundy’s tirade. The only thing that guy forgot to say was “Hello! You play to win the game!” Oh, wait, we’re getting our diatribes confused. What he forgot to say was “Playoffs? Playoffs?”

And while we’re still semi on the subject of commercials, have you seen the new SportsCenter ad? Grab the tissues, it’s a real tearjerker.

Oh, Scott Van Pelt; will you ever find true love?

Links:

[Can’t Stop The Bleeding]: Where’s Mike Gundy Now? Pt. 2

Categories
College Football

Texas A&M and Texas Tech are already in game day form


Tuesday was a big day for a Big 12 rivalry. Texas A&M hasn’t defeated Texas Tech in Lubbock since 1993, but that doesn’t mean squat to Aggies running back big, bad Jorvorskie Lane.

We’re going to win in 2007,” Lane said. “That’s a guarantee. I promise you.”

Asked what coach Dennis Franchione – who had already spoken at the weekly press conference – might think of such a bold prediction, Lane shrugged.

“I’m a man,” he said. ” I can say what I want to say.

Obviously somebody has been watching too many Mike Gundy replays, but he has good reason to be jacked up for this game. Not only is head coach Mike Leach wounded, but the guy is talking dual Heisman candidates on the week A&M makes the trip. Oh, yeah, and there are students selling T-shirts with pictures of Michael Vick hanging A&M’s mascot.

The red and black shirts, with text that says “VICK ‘EM” in an apparent reference to the Aggies slogan “Gig ’em,” was created by a Tech student.

Officials say the student was trying to sell them before Saturday’s game in Lubbock.

The back of the shirt shows a football player wearing the number seven Vick jersey holding a rope with an image of the mascot “Reveille” at the end of a noose.

Wow, and we thought LSU’s fans were insensitive.

Links:

[MySA.com]: A&M’s Lane guarantees victory against Tech
[WISTV.com]: Tech bans T-shirts featuring Vick, A&M’s dog mascot

Categories
College Football

Hey, Tim Tebow, is your refrigerator running?

Remember when Tim Tebow made that “I’ll call you” gesture after a touchdown during the first quarter of the Florida/LSU game on Saturday? Well, turns out he wasn’t trying to pick up a Louisianan cutie; he was actually trying to needle the Tiger fans who prank called him hundreds of times leading up to the game.

Tebow said many of the messages contained physical threats and most included foul language.

“I really don’t use that type of language too much, so I can’t tell you,” Tebow said, declining to reveal any of the messages. “Some people did take it way too far, farther than you should take it with sports. But I think for the most part people were just having fun. Unfortunately, there’s people like that everywhere.”

Tebow said the messages started coming early last week and increased in number as the game got closer. He eventually turned the phone off, but had to listen to each voice message and read each text message before deleting them.

But Tim got himself a new number and now Kentucky fans have almost two full weeks to go Colombo and decipher those digits. While we can see how a billion giggly phone pranks could become a slight nuisance, we gotta admit, there really is nothing better than a finely crafted prank call. Isn’t that right, Juice?

Links:

[CBSSports.com]: Florida’s Tebow changes phone number after threatening calls

Categories
All Other Sports

Ric Flair doesn’t think imitation is the greatest form of flattery


If you’re a fan of professional wrestling, then you’ve probably been wondering what happened to Ric Flair. No, he’s still not retired yet and he’s not in the hospital after receiving a STD from a lucky lady who took a ride on Space Mountain. No, apparently Flair is too busy suing car dealerships to deliver low blows or get tossed from the top turnbuckle.

Professional wrestler Ric Flair is suing a Columbia car dealership for imitating the “Nature Boy” and his well-known slogans to sell cars.

Flair says Freedom Suzuki used his persona without permission in radio and TV ads featuring a blond Captain Freedom shouting “Whoeee” and “To be the man, you got to beat the man!” Attorney Eric Bland says the “Whoeee” sounds exactly like the “Wooo!” his client Flair has shouted into microphones for decades.

Bland is claiming that the slogans are basically the property of Flair and that his client needs to protect his image before he really does hang it up for good.

We can’t blame `Naitch’ for trying to get paid while he can, but we never figured we’d see the ultimate wrestling playboy battling it out with some scummy car salesman over the technical differences between “Whoee” and “Wooo.” And as far as “To be the man, you got to beat the man” goes, even if that jerk rips off your catch phrase, you’ll always be a “limousine ridin’, jet flyin’, kiss stealin’, wheelin’ dealing, son of a gun” in our book.

Links:

[WISTV.com]: Wrestler Ric Flair sues Columbia car dealership over ads