NHL General

NHL players are lazy bastards

Wouldn’t you like to be able to just drop what you’re doing everyday at noon and just curl up for a catnap? We would too, but unfortunately we’re not professional hockey players. But for those lucky few who are skating in the NHL it’s basically written into their contracts. According to Maple Leafs center Travis Green,

It’s not a matter of `Will I?’ It’s a matter of ‘How long?’

Sounds pretty good, but it can have its downside as well. What about when you desperately need your daily midday nap and you have a roommate on the road that isn’t on the same schedule? Or if you’re trying to get 40 winks and some jerk is snoring like a pig? But the absolute worst is when you must deal with the dreaded somnambulist, or sleepwalker to us common folks. Here’s one terrifying experience that occurred between Steve ‘Stumpy’ Thomas and the snoozing Todd Gill.

We were sleeping one time, he woke up all startled and came over to me and he was shaking me. He says: `Stump, are you okay? Are you okay?’ I wake up and I’m like, `I’m fine.’ He goes: `Holy cow… I thought I ran you over in my golf cart.’

The other troubling aspect of partaking in excessive sleeping rituals is that it sometimes can become difficult to fully revive yourself before playing in the team’s next game. Just ask the Philadelphia Flyers who have been sleepwalking through the entire season.



Atlanta Falcons

It Was Either This Or A Head Shop

Why is everyone always checking
out what I’m drinking?

We all know how much Michael Vick loves to smoke pot, so it only makes sense that the Falcons’ quarterback would open his own restaurant to handle his frequent late night munchies. On Wednesday, The Tasting Room became a reality; opening in suburban Atlanta and for profits sake Vick had better pray that Falcons fans have forgotten about the dirty bird that No. 7 dropped on them after getting booed off the field following a 31-13 home loss to the Saints in November.

Maybe this will offset some of that attention I’ve been getting, whether positive or negative. It’s good for people to see that I’m giving back to the community, where people can see me trying to do something that’s positive. There’s a lot of people speculating about things I do that are not so positive.

You mean like trying to sneak a MacGuyveresque homemade bottle meant for smuggling dope on to an airplane? It’s not speculation after you get caught.



NBA General

Around the Rim: Steve Nash Splash

1. NBA Action Is Fantastic!
Last night’s game between the Mavs and the Suns was billed as the biggest game of the season. And neither team disappointed, as the game went down to the wire and took a pair of overtimes before Phoenix walked away with a much deserved 129-127 victory in Big D. The loss marked the first time this year that the Suns defeated the Mavs as Dallas has now lost consecutive games for the first time since opening the season with a four game losing streak. The Suns are now only three games behind the Mavs for the best record in the league. Has there ever been a less productive 17 game win streak in the history of the NBA? Despite their long run of victories, both Phoenix and San Antonio are right on the heels of Dallas. Steve Nash had an epic performance in the triumph that consisted of big free throws, big threes and big steals in the most important moments of the game as he put up 32 points, 16 assists and eight rebounds. And Nash wasn’t even the team’s most productive player on offense because Amare Stoudemire torched the Mavs for 41 points on 16 of 19 shooting to go with 10 boards. Only 18 more days until Phoenix vs. Dallas IV!

2. Built Ford Tough

TJ Ford has been playing at a spectacular level of late, but last night might have been his best performance of the season as he racked up 18 points and matched that with a career-high tying 18 assists. About the only thing that didn’t go Ford’s way against the Knicks was his half time buzzer beater that was denied by the officials after reviewing the play. With the way the Atlantic Division is shaking out, Toronto has already locked up the division crown and with it a guaranteed home court advantage in the first round of the playoffs. But everyone knows that Chris Bosh is the T-Rex amongst these Raptors, averaging 22.8 points, 10.3 rebounds and 1.38 blocks per game. There are a lot of great point/forward combos in the league right now and these two are right in the midst of the most promising duos out there.

3. This Is Getting To Be Boston Bad
It wasn’t too long ago that Indiana was in the thick of the playoff race with the possibility of pulling down a home court advantage in the first round. Well, those days are long gone now that the Pacers have lost 11 straight, one shy of tying the franchises’ longest streak of futility. Not even the return of Jermaine O’Neal could pull the Pacers out of their funk, but it wasn’t due to a lack of effort on O’Neal’s part (24 points, 7 rebounds, 3 assists and 2 blocks) in his first game back after missing three games with a sprained knee. With the loss to Washington last night, Indiana has fallen out of the top eight in the conference and now suddenly faces the possibility of making an early draft selection. Hey, Reggie, are you sure you don’t want to come outta retirement?

Wednesday’s Player of the Day: Steve Nash @ Dallas 48 min, 32 pts (FG: 11-25, 3FG: 2-6, FT: 8-8), 8 reb, 16 ast, 1 stl

Thursday’s Game to Watch: Los Angeles Lakers (33-31) @ Denver (31-31) The Lakers are struggling monumentally at the moment but records really don’t matter when the game sports three of the league’s top five scorers. Denver’s dynamic duo is combining for 58 points per game thanks to Melo’s league best 29.8 points per game average and his partner in crime’s 27.9. But that’s still not going to be enough firepower to count out the explosive one man scoring machine known as Kobe Bryant. One of these games, LA is going to break out of their slump and when they do it will probably be due to a huge offensive outing by the Mamba. Tonight is as good as any to drop another 50 point performance.

Buzzer Beater: Kobe Bryant feels that the criticism of his play is “insulting.” Phil Jackson referred to the negative media attention as a “witch hunt.” Bryant said that he doesn’t “need to be a dirty player” and doesn’t “want the image of a dirty player.” Well Kobe, if you don’t want to have your integrity questioned then don’t perform acts that bring your integrity into question. The high elbows, the awkward releases and the flailing forearms are occurring all too frequently to be considered anything but intentional. As a highly skilled athlete and one of the greatest basketball players to ever hit the hardwood, Bryant has complete control over his body’s every movement at almost every moment of every game. He can twist, turn, squeeze and shoot all while in flight, but for some strange reason he loses all control of his arms anytime they come near a player’s face? C’mon, gimme a break.

College Basketball

Leave The Guessing Up To The Experts

I’m unbiased baby!

At some point every year, college hoops fans come to a crossroads when it comes to filling out their tournament brackets. Whether it’s in the first round or the Final Four, there are always those toss-up games that will drive you to the brink of insanity. Well, now you don’t have to frantically scan through all the menial stats and scenarios because celebrities like Doogie Howser, Lauren Holly, and Dicky V (actually stay away from Dick’s picks, his bracket has Coach K’s kids winning it every year) have already done all the hard work for you. And if you think that all their predictions suck then you can rely on the national popular opinion. But, why do that when it’s so much more fun to ridicule individuals for your own mistakes.

Neil Patrick Harris,
Jeff Probst,
Tony Kornheiser,
Sam Hornish Jr.,
Lauren Holly,
Seth Davis,
Dick Vitale,
Clark Kellogg,
ESPN Experts,
National Bracket

It looks like an overwhelming number of votes are being cast for the Gators to make it through the entire field win a second consecutive championship. That’s just fine with us, as long as we can see a repeat performance of Joakim Noah’s spastic boogey.

NFL General

Drunken Idiot Tight End

It’s always said that nothing good happens after 2:00 a.m. and here’s another case that backs up that point. Seattle tight end Jeremy Stevens was pulled over around 2:15 Tuesday morning in Scottsdale, Arizona for driving erratically. Stevens was apparently so drunk off “four or five margaritas” that he could barely stand while being issued a field sobriety test. (Sounds like somebody’s a lightweight) And if that doesn’t say guilty by itself, Stevens incriminated himself even further by refusing to take a breathalyzer test or give a blood sample. Like usual, the po-pos got what they wanted after obtaining a warrant. The cops also found a “leafy green substance” in one of Stevens’ pockets. We’re guessing its pot considering not too many people travel around with spare oregano in case of emergency cooking situations. Stevens was booked for DUI and possession of some leafy stuff.

This couldn’t have happened at a worse time for Stevens’ who is currently an unrestricted free agent. His run ins with the law and loud mouth would detour most team’s interest. However, if somebody is willing to gamble on a guy like T.O. then somebody will definitely take on Stevens. Hell, he’d even be considered a role model somewhere like Cincinnati or Tennessee.



General Sports

If you ain’t first, you’re last!

Shake and Bake!

“Dancing With the Stars,” meet your twin with an engine, “Fast Cars and Super Stars.” Hoping to mimic the success they had with “Dancing With The Stars,” ABC has unveiled their latest concept show that will team Nextel Cup drivers with B-listers as they compete in a variety of racing related events to work their way into the finals where the three remaining teams will participate in a time trial with the winner being crowned champ.

The celebrity participants come from a variety of backgrounds but most are equipped with some sort of athletic ability. Some of the attention seekers include John Elway, Tony Hawk, William Shatner, Laird Hamilton and his wife, Gabby Reese, WWE champion John Cena, John Salley, Serena Williams, Bill Cowher, and Jewel and her boyfriend, rodeo king Ty Murray. How the hell did the Shat and Jewel work their way into this cast? Guiding the wannabes throughout their experience will be drivers Kurt Busch, Kasey Kahne, Carl Edwards, Jamie McMurray, Ryan Newman and Jimmie Johnson.

Because Gillette could end up being one of the shows sponsors, they have insisted that all contestants “must be well-groomed” and that “stubble or scruff of any kind” will not be tolerated. Yes Serena, that includes you too.



NBA General

Hardaway To Hang With Gays And Lesbians

Tim Hardaway says that he doesn’t hate gay people anymore, so to prove it Hardaway plans to speak with a gay organization soon so that he can “make them understand” why he made his comments. That’s probably not the best approach to take in this situation, he might want to consider using this opportunity to focus on how to be more considerate of others. Nah, Hardaway feels that hanging out with gays and lesbians for an hour or so will be enough to change his outlook on the matter. When asked about sensitivity training Hardaway replied, “Why should I go to that? I’d rather go straight to (a gay organization).” Now, who would have predicted that statement coming out of Timmy’s mouth a few weeks ago?

But apparently Hardaway still has issues when it comes to promoting the homosexual community in any way. He doesn’t want to talk about Ameachi’s reaction to his tirade saying “I wasn’t interested in what he had to say about (my comments). I’m not interested in trying to sell his book.” And when he was invited to spend the day with North Miami’s gay Mayor Kevin Burns, Hardaway rebuffed the offer “because that was more for publicity for him.”

Look, if he wants to move past this situation, he’s going to have to do a bit more to embrace the gay population than simply popping into a local community center for a bit. Hardaway simply doesn’t get the concept of image. He threw himself under a bus because he didn’t know how to project himself properly and now he can’t get out from beneath the wheels because of his own stupidity.



NBA General

Jordan Goes For The Jugular

Yea, don’t mess with Mike

1. Just Making Room For More Carolina Blue
Michael Jordan made a rare appearance in front of the media on Tuesday in a hideous red jacket and finally chopped the head off the lead Bobcat when he told coach Bernie Bickerstaff that his services would not be desired next season. But in Jordan’s typical humiliating fashion, he didn’t fire Bickerstaff, but instead his Airness is going to try and get Bernie to provide countless hours of labor finishing out the regular season before officially being booted from the building. The move is incredibly ironic considering that while one crappy coach got canned, another crappy coach got a multiyear extension. So, now it’s up to Jordan to find a suitable replacement for the Bobkittens. Hmmmm, can you say Larry Brown?

2. Moving On Up

It took the Spurs 13 consecutive victories before they finally gained some ground on the Mavericks in the Southwest Division, but with a win over a lost Clippers team and a loss by Dallas to Golden State on Monday, San Antonio is now only seven games behind the league leaders. Talk about demoralizing! It must be brutal to rip off 13 straight, only to see a big, fat 7 in the games back column. But the good news for SA is that they should be able to stretch this streak even further by taking care of business against some of the league’s worst clubs. Milwaukee, Boston and the slumping Pacers are all waiting to get rolled before the Spurs’ next big test against the Pistons next week. The Mavs, on the other hand, have a nationally televised showdown with the Suns looming on their schedule.

3. No Shake For You!
With 11 minutes remaining in the game, Antoine Walker had a flashback to his better days in green as he exploded for all of his 13 points and helped the Heat mount a furious fourth quarter come back win against the Jazz. The two point loss, 88-86, was the first time that Utah had blown a lead at the end of the third quarter this season (14-1). The Heat were down by as many as 17 points at one point in the third quarter and trailed by 14 points entering into the fourth before Walker’s inside/outside barrage ignited Miami’s rally. Uncharacteristically, `Toine never performed his trademark shimmy shake during the onslaught. Apparently the gyrating just isn’t suiting his 30 year olds `ol bones.

Tuesday’s Player of the Day: Josh Smith vs. Philadelphia 37 min, 26 pts (FG: 11-20, 3FG: 1-2, FT: 3-4), 17 reb, 5 ast, 4 stl, 3 blk

Wednesday’s Game to Watch: Phoenix (49-14) @ Dallas (52-10) These are unquestionably the two best teams in the NBA today. Despite losing to the Warriors on Monday, the Mavericks have still won an astonishing 17 of their last 18 games en route to racking up an incredible 38 of their last 41, and on their home floor they are 20-3. But Phoenix comes into this game sporting a pretty impressive resume of their own, winning five in a row and 10 of their last 11 games. Like Dallas, the Suns have accomplished a pair of notable double-digit winning streaks. And like Dallas, the Suns can also lay claim to a 17 game winning streak this year. In addition, the Suns will have revenge to motivate them as they have been unable to knock off the Mavericks in a pair of games this season.

Buzzer Beater: In a move that was long, long overdue, the Timberwolves finally part ways with Eddie Griffin. Minnesota waived one of the most disappointing stars to ever come into the league after three all too troubling seasons in the Land of Ten Thousand Lakes. You can’t blame Minnesota for gambling on the underachieving youngster, but also can’t blame them for getting rid of the team’s constant headache. Kevin McHale is finally starting to prove that his award as the best GM in sports isn’t a total crock. Nah, it’s still absolutely bogus.

College Basketball

New School Bracketology

Every year sports dorks from around the country can’t wait for the selection show to end so that they can run over to their X-Box and meticulously enter the entire field into their favorite NCAA hoops game and fill out their brackets according to the random crap that the simulations spit out. Kinda sounds like the BCS. But regardless, the game has pull when it comes to some office pools so here are the results from NCAA March Madness 07 and College Hoops 2K7.

In March Madness 07, No. 2 Wisconsin defeated No. 3 seed Pittsburgh, 90-72, on the left side of the bracket to set up a championship game against No. 4 Texas after the Longhorns defeated No. 1 seed Ohio State, 76-73, in a battle of freshman phenoms. In the final game, Kevin Durant’s 27.5 point per game average throughout the tournament was simply too much for the Badgers to overcome as Texas takes the title with an 87-64 victory.

2K7 comes up with a totally different scenario. Their Final Four consist of Maryland, Kansas, North Carolina and Texas A&M. In the semis, No. 4 Maryland upsets the top seeded Jayhawks by three, 64-61, while North Carolina narrowly avoided the third seed Aggies, 77-73. In the end, the Tarheels cut down the nets as Tyler Hansbrough led North Carolina to an 83-80 victory over the Terps.

Wonder how far George Mason made it in March Madness 06?



College Basketball

So You’re Telling Me There’s A Chance

We’re all degenerate gamblers at heart, so what better time to cut loose and let your inner Pete Rose come out than March Madness. After all, who doesn’t love to place a bet on a Cinderella school? Usually, they’ll get bounced in the first or second round but, hope was given to small schools across the country when the March magic carried George Mason all the way to the Final Four in last year’s tournament. Not too shabby considering that they opened the tourney with 400 to 1 odds.

Here are some of the lines for this year’s tournament, starting with the favorites to win it all.

#1 Seeds: Florida 7/2, Kansas 4/1, North Carolina 5/1, Ohio St. 6/1

#2 Seeds: Georgetown 8/1, UCLA 9/1, Wisconsin 15/1, Memphis 20/1,

Notables: Texas A&M 10/1, Texas 12/1, Maryland 25/1, Pittsburgh 25/1, Butler 35/1, Oregon 35/1, Washington St. 35/1, Arizona 40/1, Louisville 40/1, S. Illinois 40/1,Virginia Tech 45/1, Duke 50/1

Long Shots: Texas Tech 125/1, BYU 150/1, Gonzaga 150/1, Arkansas 200/1, Illinois 200/1, Purdue 200/1, Stanford 200/1

Don’t see any action that you like? Well, your odds are still better than trying to fill out a perfect bracket, 9,223,372,036,854,775,808 to 1, but the payoff isn’t nearly as good.