We’ve heard of “bending it like Beckham,” but this is more along the lines of “bashing it like Beckham.”
Interesting, we would have never thought to spray our crotches with water after a blow like that. Of course, our shorts would have already been drenched from the moment we saw the kick coming.
Links:
[Awful Announcing]: This Is Probably Not The Way You Want To Block A David Bekham Kick
We called in sick to work today and told our boss that we were “murdered and then set on fire” while celebrating our birthdays. He’s a total moron, so he bought it, but we have to bring in a doctor’s note which we’ll be forging during Judge Judy this afternoon. Anyways, while we were surfing the web and finishing off a six-pack of Bud Ice, we came across The Hungry Actor‘s list of Top 10 Strange Sports Injuries and realized that our excuse wasn’t so farfetched after all.
10. Brian Griese trips over his pet poodle and sprains his ankle.
9. John Smoltz burns himself while ironing a shirt he was wearing.
8. Tom Glavine breaks a rib while vomiting up an inflight meal.
7. Brandon Inge pulls his oblique while readjusting a pillow on his couch.
6. Glenallen Hill, an extreme arachnaphobic had a nightmare about spiders and while fleeing the spiders he fell into a glass table and received multiple cuts over his entire body.
5. Denny McLain goes to sleep in good health and wakes up with four dislocated toes.
4. Muggsy Bogues misses the second half after accidentally inhaling the fumes from an ointment being used in a halftime treatment.
3. Adam Eaton stabs himself in the stomach with a paring knife trying to remove the packaging of a DVD.
2. Clarence “Climax” Blethen thought he looked meaner when he pitched without his false teeth in. Unfortunately for him he left them in his back pocket while sliding into second and he bit himself on butt.
1. Bret Barberie failed to wash his hands, after making nachos with hot sauce and chili peppers, before he put in his contact lenses. The extreme burning cause him to miss one game.
Honorable Mention: Chris Hanson misses while chopping wood and severely cuts his leg landing himself on the DL for the season; Lionel Simmons developed tendinitis from playing too many video games; Manny Cordova falls asleep in a tanning bed and receives burns so severe he has to miss time; Sammy Sosa sneezes multiple times in the clubhouse prompting a series of back spasms which puts him out of the lineup.
We call dibs on No. 5. We’re planning on calling in sick next Monday too. Three-day 4th of July weekend, here we come!
Links:
[The Hungry Actor]: Top 10 Strange Sports Injuries
So, how do you know when it’s time to start on a diet? Well, you could hop on a scale or visit the doctor or take your shirt off in public and see how many people point and giggle OR you can hop on skateboard, attempt to drop into a halfpipe and if the wood smashes underneath your fallen body then it’s time to lay off the Twinkies. After all, those ramps should be able to support the weight of a stoner following a 50-foot freefall.
Wondering about the results from the U.S. Olympic track trials over the weekend? Don’t worry, you’re not the only one, we’ve spent the past 72 hours playing GTA4 while the ol’ ladies went to a bridal shower in Phoenix. Despite the three-day diet of Pizza Pockets and Miller High Life, it was a near perfect weekend. Anyways, if you’re anything like us then you hit up your favorite Christian news site OneNewsNow.com to get the results and instantly spit coffee all over your monitor when reading the headlines:
Close call: Homosexual barely averts major flop in 100
Homosexual wins trials 100 in wind-aided 9.68 seconds
Homosexual runs wind-aided 9.68 seconds to make Olympics
Turns out, the “Homosexual” mentioned in the headlines is actually not homosexual at all; rather, he’s Gay. Not gay, gay. Gay as in, Tyson Gay, American sprinter. Apparently, the tightwads at OneNewsNow.com have a filter that replaces the word “Gay” with “Homosexual” regardless of how the word is used. It might sound like a good idea, but it can actually just lead to more problems.
Links:
[OneNewsNow.com]: Your News Right Now
[OneNewsNow.com]: Homosexual wins trials 100 in wind-aided 9.68 seconds
As kids, if you wore glasses then you were probably going to get made fun of. That’s just one of the many sad facts of childhood. However, once kids get older and mature, they realize that making insulting comments about someone’s appearance is ridiculously petty…except in sports. So, here’s On Deck Sports list of the Top 5 Goggled Athletes. Just get a load of these four-eyed freaks.
4. James Worthy
3. Horace Grant
2. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
1. Chris Sabo
And let’s not forget about Dwyane Wade who has the thickest set of beer goggles we’ve ever seen on a pro athlete.
In other news…
[The World of Isaac]: Vince Young fails the NBA Wonderlic Test
[MensVogue.com]: Tom Brady and David Beckham are sexy. We get it already!
[FanHouse]: John Daly and Kid Rock go together like cigarettes and strip clubs
[MMARated.com]: Gina Carano talks about being a female badass
[PostingAndToasting.com]: Renaldo Balkman’s New York Knickmobile
[Hugging Harry Reynolds]: Star Wars Sports, starring Eric Mangino as Jabba the Hut
[YouTube.com]: Watch out, the Ax Murderer has a blade!…And he’s shaving another man with it??? WTF?!
And finally, skateboards finally get a small measure of revenge against humans for years of abuse.
We hate award shows and that includes the ESPY’s. But ever since we missed LeBron James dunking his infant, we’ve been rethinking our decision to skip the Worldwide Leader in Sports little banquet. Then we saw this and now we know we made the right choice all along.
So disappointing, we were expecting a lot more. Guess we just got spoiled by “Dick in a Box.”
Golf is a great game for youngsters. It is capable of teaching kids a plethora of life skills like patience, planning, decision-making and sportsmanship to name a few. Oh, and it prepares them for life at the nuddie bar as well.
The latter event featured patrons of the strip club paired with dancers who served as caddies. Broomfield Police later broke up the event after complaints from neighbors.
“It was mistiming,” said Eagle Trace Manager Evelyn Koch.
Koch says she has personally apologized to angry parents who have called Eagle Trace. She admits the exotic dancers should not have been in the clubhouse at the same time as the children, but downplayed the idea that the kids witnessed risqué behavior.
“I cannot tell you the girls didn’t flash out there,” Koch said. “But it wasn’t a free-for-all.”
“There was nothing inappropriate going on around the clubhouse when the kids were around,” said golf instructor Dustin Moser, who said the racier action took place later. “There was a handful of girls that got a little out of control.”
Moser admitted several dancers were scolded for “top-dropping.”
Golf course workers say the Shotgun Willie’s dancers were not allowed to strip down to their bikinis until after the children had been picked up by their parents.
“They were not allowed to go topless,” said Koch. “They were just flirting with the guys.”
“When I walked into the club house to look for my girls, I saw a woman straddling a male at a dining table,” said a mother who picked up her two children at the golf club.
The woman, who asked not to be identified, contacted 9NEWS after the story was first reported. She says she felt Eagle Trace Golf Club was trying to minimize what happened.
She says her children had quite a few questions on the ride home.
“‘Mom, why is she only wearing underwear?'” she recalled. “‘Mom, why are the girls wearing white and why do the men have water guns?'”
Sounds like it’s time to teach that kid about “Fore!” play.
Links:
[9News.com]: Mulligan! Kids golf tourney overlaps with strip club’s event
When Germany and Turkey get together on the pitch, you know it’s going to be a battle. A noggin-knocking, face-bleeding, head-splitting, skull-stapling war! Yup, skull-stapling.
By this point, we’ve all heard Shaq utter the words “Kobe, tell me how my ass tastes,” at least 5,000 times and, frankly, we’re still not tired of the freestyle. However, we are somewhat disappointed that Kobe hasn’t fired back at the Diesel. After all, let’s not forget that K.B. is a rapper himself…sorta. But he’s also a very, very busy man with the Olympics rapidly approaching; luckily, Russ Bengtson of SlamOnline.com wrote some mad retaliatory rhymes so Bryant could concentrate on bringing the gold home from Beijing. Mr. Bengtson, you are a patriot and poet indeed.
Sure-thing rings lost to Wallaces and OlajuwonsYou’re a true, what? You’re a true blue pr*ck
On the outside you’re happy, on the inside you’re sick
Oh, my bad, I forgot, that’s just part of your schtickAdmit it, you just mad `cause your career’s almost over
You’re a black hole while I’m still supernovaAnd while we’re on the topic of being a star
I’ll be in Phoenix in February–can I borrow your car?
Since I’ll be in the game, I won’t drive it too farI remember when you had the Reebok Shaqnosis
Now you’re working on a coronary thrombosis
I live in the gym, you’ve got a body by HostessNike makes me shoes and spots, I jump cars for fun
Tell you what, I’d rather hang with Jackass than be oneYou claim to be a player, but I f*cked your wife
Yeah, that’s just jokes, but–haha–I f*cked your lifeWanna go after me for your problems, nah, that’s all on you
And those big alimony checks–those are all on you too
Watch Shaunie stack those chips while you get blueAnd what’s this I hear about how you went after Kareem?
You’ll never be like him, he was part of a team
Forget about Cap, were you even better than Dream?Please explain the MDE with one MVP?
That’s like calling yourself a forest when you’re only one tree
Russ had five, Wilt had four, even Moses had threeAs for the rings, yeah, you wound up with four
But the Most Dominant Ever should really have more
You weren’t the most feared to ever step on the floorThose three titles we won, yeah, I couldn’t have done it without you
At least I can admit it, how `bout you, Shaq-Fu?It’s always all about you–the big center of attention
But you ain’t notorious, never had that dimension
Coulda stayed in L.A. but you had to have that extensionYou can score in the paint, can’t get it done at the line
Say “I hit `em when it matters” and everything’s fine?
Those ugly-ass bricks don’t take from your shine?Nah, I guess not, but while it may not hurt your fame
It’s something to consider when you’re benched at the end of the gameAnd now new guys are coming through to rip that S off your arm
Bad enough you lost your game, now you even lost your charmWhat ever happened to you, when did you get so bitter?
Used to be a champion, now you’re a quitter
Could have done more in Miami if you only got fitterIf you couldn’t take the fire, should have stayed out the Heat
You’re so out of shape you can barely THINK on your feetAnd they even took your badges, that I’m sorry to hear
Because at least then you might have had another careerCall yourself a cop? You’re nothin’ but a pig
And rhyme all you want, you can never be BigI’m a Laker for life, you’re just another man on a journey
In fact, don’t ever speak to me, just call my attorney
Keep playing with fire, you ain’t gonna burn meYou think you can spit? Like those six Grammies mattered?
You never were sh*t, but I’m glad you were flatteredYou never really could rhyme, got carried by many
Kind of like how it worked with Dwyane, Kobe and PennyPeople only rhymed on your records because they knew you had money
You think they laughed at your jokes `cause they thought you were funny?
Always thought you was Vito when you’re really a SonnyAs for your movies, they laughed WITH you, as far as you know
But maybe you should go back to school, like Neon BoudeauxAnd hey, my coach came back, unlike Mike D’Antoni
He chose the KNICKS over you, you big f*cking phony
You think you a horse, but you barely a ponyI’ll be in Beijing this summer, going for gold
You could be too, if you weren’t so oldFace it, you mad, that’s why you came at me first
If I show you my trophy, will it slake your MVP thirst?I got to stay home, you got displaced.
As years go by, your memories erased.
What was that, Diesel? How does your ass taste?
Shouldn’t you know? You’re the one sh*tfaced
Links:
[SlamOnline.com]: Pop Goes The Diesel
Remember back in the good ol’ days when running backs where the most important position in the fantasy football universe. Well, thanks to the two-back system sensation that is sweeping the NFL nation, those days appear to be over; at least, according to WhatIfSports.com. They released their 08 season predicitions this week and the QBs are defiantly the dominant species with seven in the top 10 and 10 appearing in the top 15. Here’s their breakdown of the top 10 scorers overall.
2. Peyton Manning, QB, Colts
3. Tony Romo, QB, Cowboys
4. LaDanian Tomlinson, RB, Chargers
5. Brian Westbrook, RB, Eagles
6. Drew Brees, QB, Saints
7. Derek Anderson, QB, Browns
8. Carson Palmer, QB, Bengals
9. Adrian Peterson, RB, Vikings
10. Eli Manning, QB, Giants
Just for comparisons sake, here’s a quick rundown of the projected top 10 players prior to the 2007 season as seen by SI.com:
2. Steven Jackson, RB, Rams
3. Larry Johnson, RB, Chiefs
4. Frank Gore, RB, 49ers
5. Shaun Alexander, RB, Seahawks
6. Willie Parker, RB, Steelers
7. Rudi Johnson, RB, Bengals
8. Brian Westbrook, RB, Eagles
9. Peyton Manning, QB, Colts
10. Joseph Addai, RB, Colts
In other news…
[The Beardown]: Buy Tiger Woods’ apple cores??
[Tirico Suave]: Maricopa County sheriff asks “Shaq, tell me how my ass tastes”
[Giants Football Blog]: Michael Strahan reveals Jeremy Shockey wants out of NYC. Well, duh!
[Deuce of Davenport]: KITT is still cooler than the Hoff
[Bugs & Cranks]: Attack of the broken bat
[Sportaphile.com]: Kobe Bryant continues to take a beating, this time from rapper Nas
[PartMule.com]: “Holy Jesus, look at the butt on that”
[YouTube.com]: You can find Chuck Liddell in the club
[Epic Carnival]: Yippee!! It’s National Sports Bra Week
[Home Run Derby]: The Jheri Curl All-Stars
And finally, crunk is officially dead. Let the era of mumbles begin.
