Fantasy football is right around the corner, so, by now, you should have already come up with a clever name for your squad because we all know that the picking the right name is half the battle. After all, have you ever seen a squad called the Hawks or Team Smith actually win a fantasy Super Bowl? Of course not! So, if your team is still nameless then here are some tips to help pin down that all important moniker and strike fear into the hearts of your opponents.
10. Hetero double entendres. Kind of a frat boy thing, but this can work if you find a particularly repulsive slang term (UrbanDictionary.com is your friend), or you can tie it into some regrettable instance from a league mate's past. Can you win a league with the team from spite? Of course you can.
Samples (and they should all fit in the character Yahoo limit): My Johnson Is A Tank, Snake Stabler Sneaks, Fourth and Very Long
9. Off-field scandal. Another obvious play, especially if you go for something topical. Trust me, fifteen million meatheads are going to use their team name this year to reference Fat Ced Benson, to the point where he's going to be the best known player in the CFL in two years. If you are going here, I'd go for something with historical stopping power, but if you're a Bears fan, I can understand the need for Ceed. At least be quick about it, so the other guy in the league who wants to go there will look like a tool, rather than you.
Sample: Driving Miss Benson, Carruth's Comebacks, Leinart's Beer Bongs
8. Homo eroticism. A bit more confident, but still kind of a meathead staple. Much more permissible when used in conjunction with a personal attack on a fellow owner, especially if that owner gets a little too angry at the jibe. Where there's smoke...
Samples: Offensive Holding, Tight End Blockers, Very Wide Receivers, Ocho Homos
7. Scatological. Najeh Davenport is the gift that keeps on giving here, with a contribution to fantasy football that will be around long after he's dead and gone. For extra originality points, try using a non-common term for the deed. This one also works if your team is something you always want to flush at mid-season.
Samples: 3 Hour Groaners, Romeo's Brown Eggs, Najeh's Feedback, Duce Staleys, Rich Kotites
6. Crime. Football team names are supposed to be aggro, so let the USFL (Invaders -- wow, maybe that needs to go in category eight) and XFL (Hitmen) be your guide to Thug Life. (Please keep in mind though, 2Pac, that you are engaging in Dungeons and Dragons for football fans here, before you get too serious about your street cred.)
Samples: Jersey Wet Workers, The Hired Goons, Ninjas & More Ninjas
5. Cultural References. A very sound choice if you are in a 100% redraft league, and convenient for time-stressed feedback. Why develop your own voice, when you can just crib from people who are more clever than you? By the mid-season mark, everyone will be sick to death of it, but that adds valuable Heel Points for enraging your victims. (Yes, I have gone here. Many, many times.)
Samples: There Will Be Blood, Grand Theft Football, Mean Machine
4. Non Sequiturs. To befuddle your opponents into thinking that you are either an idiot man-child who can be suckered into deals, or to just make owners that you don't know give you a wide berth, let the Dada art and poetry movements be your guide. Bonus points if your team name is vaguely unsettling or unseemly.
Samples: Mustache Fish Riders, Fruit Transmissions, Angry When Angered
3. Nerdgasms. Take your lead from one of my heroes, Stephen Colbert, and just *own* your nerding by making fun of yourself first. That way, everyone else will seem like they got to the party late, and you'll seem like a better guy than you are when it comes to making trades. Besides, look at who makes all the money now, and didn't just inherit it. What do you got? NERDS!
Samples: +4 Vorpal Quarterback, Third Life Warriors, Klingon Air Power
2. Pejoratives. If you are like me, well, you really should get that checked. You also hate your team as soon as you are done drafting it, or if and when they ever lose. About the only thing you can be sure about in playing this game is that the capacity for self-abuse is endless, whether it comes from benching the wrong players to making the wrong pick or getting buggered in a trade to being too slow for the hot free agent pickup... well, I'll just stop here before I start punching myself. So why not make your team reflect your true nature?
Samples: Toilet Dwellers, Freaking Losers, Very Special Teams, Douchebags R Us
1. Meta comedy. When all else fails, just call your team something sad and generic, especially if it has nothing to do with your actual rooting interest. This one works well if everyone else in the league has nerded up and gone over the top with their names, and can't be beat for the sheer time savings. The only down side is that, well, I've never seen a team win with this strategy, and dry humor doesn't always translate into written speech.
Samples: Cardinals, Football Team, Wildcats, Lines Of Numbers
Links:
[Epic Carnival]: Top 10 Fantasy Football Naming Conventions
With all the Brett Favre to the Jets talk over the past several days, you probably missed out on the big "Brady Quinn goes to Chipotle story. Luckily, nothing gets past TheClevelandFan.com.
I recently had the opportunity to speak with Adam Sorbo, a 23-year-old Chipolte employee who had the pleasure of serving Cleveland Browns quarterback Brady Quinn this past Tuesday. Adam was kind enough to answer a few questions and talk us through his Brady Quinn/Chipolte experience.
Todd Seda: Hi Adam, how are you?
Sorbo: Aw man, I'm great, glad to be talking with you bro. I got some awesome stuff to share.
Todd Seda: Fantastic, let's get to. Brady Quinn came into your Middleburg Heights store this past Tuesday around lunchtime, correct?
Todd Seda: Yeah man, like around 2pm, you know, after practice in Berea. The whole thing is funny because literally, the night before I was playing with my franchise in Madden 08 and made the conscious decision to start Brady over Derek Anderson for the rest of the season. It turned out to be a good move because Quinn and the Browns went on to win the Super Bowl for me. Then, BAM, like 12 hours later I am awarded with the man himself.
Todd Seda: Was he with anyone?
Sorbo: Yeah, he had two other dudes with him, I didn't recognize either though, maybe his bros from college or something? Brady was definitely the leader of the group though, no doubt. He was wearing this awesome brown Hollister shirt and he had absolutely no hesitation about himself or what he was there to do. Some people come into Chipolte and kind of stroll around and take in the atmosphere for a while. Not Brady -- it was like he was on a mission. And as the server, man, you gotta be on your toes for a guy like that.
Todd Seda: Were you nervous?
Sorbo: Listen man, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't. I mean, when I took this job back in January I was told that Browns players have been known to stop by. In reality though, nothing prepares you for the actual thing. But what was I going to do? I couldn't run away, I had to stand strong and just focus on the task at hand.
Todd Seda: Did Brady say anything to you before he went into his order?
Sorbo: (laughing) Did he say anything to me? Oh man, let me tell you, this is when all my nerves were flushed away because not only did Brady say "what's up", but he also called me "chief" and made some solid eye contact. I mean, the guy has such a presence, such an ability to make you feel calm. I insanely felt the desire to take orders from him. Any orders. He could have told me to pour hot salsa in my eyes and I would've done it, no questions asked.
Todd Seda: So what did he get to eat?
Sorbo: He got a barbacoa burrito bowl with a side of tortillas. He didn't even have to look at the menu beforehand -- it was awesome. Then, when we got down to the end of the line he calmly asked for extra cheese. I replied "frig yeah dude," and gave him the thumbs up. I think that he said "thanks" back but I'm still not sure -- he may have just coughed.
Todd Seda: Did he get guac added on or any chips?
Sorbo: Nope, just the barbacoa burrito bowl, a side of tortillas, and a large drink. But really though, that meal, what he ordered is such an excellent choice. Such a smart choice. In fact, its the only thing I eat from Chipolte these days and I'm am even trying to get my manager to name it the "Bradycoa Special."
Todd Seda: Did he get his burrito bowl to go or did he and his friends dine in?
Sorbo: They left. When he was filling up his drink I ran out to the tables and started wiping all the best ones down, just in case he changed his mind and wanted to eat-in. I completely understood though, he probably had a really busy day.
Todd Seda: Did he say "goodbye" to you?
Sorbo: No, he did not. I waved as he walked out the door but I guess he just didn't see me, he was on his Blackberry and talking to his friend. I have no doubt in my mind though that if he would've seen me he would've waved back. He's that kind of guy, you know? Just an all around cool dude. Oh, and I almost forgot! When he paid for his food, he tossed all his change into the United Way glass box we have by the register. It was like 65 cents -- it was so cool. And you know, that's the kind of stuff you don't read about in the papers, that's just Brady being Brady.
Todd Seda: So it sounded like the experience was an all around positive one.
Sorbo: Dude, it was amazing. Its been one of the greatest things that's ever happened to me. I mean, you hear stories about how pro-athletes are crazy jerks, but honestly, Brady was one of the coolest people I've ever met. There was just something about him. I mean, I totally felt like I could have asked him what he was up to later on that night and he would have told me--and maybe even invited me along. And you know, I would've asked too but I just didn't want to come on too strong, you know. I wanted to lay some solid groundwork for any kind of future relationship.
Todd Seda: Future relationship?
Sorbo: Yeah man. I have already changed up all my hours so I work Tuesdays during lunch. Next time he comes in I think I am either going to attempt a high five or maybe even invite him to one of my cousin's house parties.
Todd Seda: Alright Adam, thanks for your time and sharing your story.
Sorbo: Anytime man. Go Browns. Go Brady.
Links:
[TheClevelandFan.com]: An Interview With A Guy That Served Brady Quinn At Chipolte
The Olympics are right around the corner, Friday to be exact, and we can't wait to see the red, white and blue go berserk on some foreigner asses. And while we're confident in Team USA, regardless of sport, we know America would have a definite edge over the competition in the individual sports if we used our biggest, strongest and fastest athletes available. In other words, we need to totally revamp the Olympic roster and use nothing but NFLers. Here's how things would look, according to NE Patriots Draft.
Fencing - Travis Henry
He's pretty good with his sword, if you know what I mean.
Sailing - Matt Birk
He's a Viking, so boats are right up his alley, plus he went to Harvard.
Sprint Events - Devin Hester
No pads, no defenders, give him the gold.
Long Distance Events - Kenyatta Walker
He's got Kenya in his name right?
Shotput/Discus - Vince Wilfork
Holds the state record in Florida for the Shot, throwing it 68 feet.
Wrestling - Stephen Neal
Two-time NCAA champ, beating Brock Lesnar his senior season.
Diving - Reggie Bush
Nobody flips like this guy, gotta work on the landing though.
Swimming - Mario Williams
Best Swim move in the league.
Synchronized Swimming - Peyton and Eli Manning
Just a fun mental image for you and the whole family.
Boxing - Tom Zbikowski
Duh.
Kayaking - Chris Cooley
No reason, just thought he was the only NFL'er that could make me watch Kayaking.
Move over, Lazy Sunday. Get lost, Lazy Scranton. Step aside, Duke Fan Stan, because we've got a rap that will make you forget all about those funky rhymes while simultaneously reminding you to never, ever draft a quarterback in the first round.
If it wasn't for rent being due, we'd be thrilled that first day of August has finally arrived. Before you know it, the end of the month will be here and so will college football and we all know it doesn't get any better than that. But before we can enjoy the greatest sporting season on the face of the planet (minus the whole refusing to institute a playoff system, of course), we have to sit through a few more weeks of intense anticipation. Still, it couldn't be any worse than the past 31 days, could it? According to the fellas over at Rumors and Rants, it can't and they have a whole slew of reasons, one for each day of the month to be exact, for why July totally sucked for sports fans.
1. We had to suffer through a Tiger-less major and try to talk up the entertainment value of guys we've never heard of competing for a championship no one cared about.
2. I now know far too much about Greg Norman's sex life. I don't want to hear about how a 53-year-old guy is missing out on his honeymoon with his 53-year-old former tennis champion wife so he can melt down at a major championship. Yeesh.
3. I just learned that Ryan Newman is the most sought-after free agent in all of NASCAR. You don't say? Thank you ESPNEWS for that little tidbit.
4. Xavier Nady and Damaso Marte? A broken-down Pudge Rodriguez for Kyle Farnsworth? And Mark Teixeira again? Five words: most boring trade deadline ever.
5. A-Rod's wife filed for divorce and it was front page news. Then it was revealed that his relationship with Madonna was the impetus behind the split. Hmmm, maybe Jose Canseco was right about Rodriguez's desire to follow where Canseco had already been. Also, what's with A-Rod's thing for manly women? As my sister said, "Between that tranny-looking stripper in Toronto and Madonna, he's definitely had something shoved up his ass." Well played sister, well played.
6. Only in July would Manny Ramirez acting like a jackass actually be big time news.
7. Brett Favre's wireless plan made ESPN's bottom line as "breaking news." After days of speculation that Favre had used a Packers-issued cell phone to contact other teams, it was revealed that he did not in fact have a Packers-issued cell phone. Well good, thank the Lord that's cleared up.
8. Ryan Sheckler, an 18-year-old skateboarder, was shirtless on ESPN the Magazine this month. Yes, ESPN thought it would be a good idea to put a shirtless pubescent male on the cover of their magazine. Thats not to be confused with the countless other shirtless guys who have appeared on the cover (Carl Edwards comes to mind). So uh, what, exactly is going on over there at The Mag?
9. So wait, NBA players are actually leaving the United States to go play in Europe? Look, Europe is nice for a vacation or for checking out the cans on your Greek tour guide, but living there full-time? Isn't there a reason all those Euros are trying to come over here?
10. Let me get this straight, Luol Deng's stats all dropped but he ended up with a bigger contract than he would have gotten last year? Apparently 17.0 points, 6.3 rebounds and 2.5 assists per game now equals a six-year, $80 million contract in NBA-terms. Yeah, a solid July-based move there.
11. While some may say baseball's All-Star Game was exciting, they're wrong, it was just plain boring. Aside from Dan Uggla doing his best Charles Smith impression (it's an obscure reference, do some research), there wasn't anything really that compelling about the game.
12. The WNBA had a brawl and it was predictably disappointing.
13. We had to listen to a month of Ron Artest trade scenarios. Who cares where he went? He's just going to find a way to screw things up there too.
14. Rudy Giuliani's kid is suing Duke. Nothing could possibly go wrong there.
15. The Detroit Pistons actually signed Kwame Brown. To repeat: someone is going to pay Kwame Brown to play basketball next season. Pay him money. I really want to know the guy associated with the Pistons who actually thought this was a good idea.
16. Jason Taylor danced his way right out of Miami.
17. Josh Hamilton's amazing performance at the Home Run Derby was moving and inspirational. But during this miserable month every good story had to be ruined, in this case Justin Morneau killed what would have been a beautiful moment by actually beating Hamilton.
18. Somehow Sidney Ponson still has a job.
19. Welcome to the Clippers Mr. Davis. Welcome to Philadelphia Mr. Brand. I love that everyone is shocked that after seven years of suffering as a member of the Clippers that Elton Brand would want to get the hell out of there.
20. Richie Sexson was released by the Seattle Mariners and the New York Yankees swooped in and saved the day by signing him. Again, I want to know the guy who thought this was a good idea.
21. I don't know much about NASCAR but thanks to a lack of anything real to talk about, I now know this: Goodyear tires suck.
22. Urban Meyer wrote a book. And he further proved that he's an ass.
23. The Oakland A's and Billy Beane continue to try and ruin baseball as we know it. Not only has Beane sent away Dan Haren, Rich Harden and Joe Blanton in less that a year, he's now looking to dump Justin Duchscherer and Huston Street, in an attempt to get rid of any good players left in the A's system. I love how Billy Beane is worshiped for the way he runs his franchise, when they've never won anything and frankly, the Minnesota Twins are the model low-budget franchise.
24. Speaking of the Twins: Hey Francisco Liriano is back and dominating...in AAA.
25. According to BallHype, this month we became a Kenny Perry blog. And as some of you might know, we f-ing hate Kenny Perry.
26. I made my first (and last) trip to Yankee Stadium, and was thoroughly underwhelmed. The stadium was pretty basic and looked like something out of the 70s. I know it was remodeled then, but for some reason I was thinking there would be some sort of nostalgic, old-timey experience. Hell, I didn't even get yelled at by any belligerent Yankee fans. All-in-all it was nothing more than an average trip to a ballpark.
27. The Tour de France was this month. If a bunch of European guys in spandex climb mountains on bikes and nobody cares, did it actually happen? I mean, the least those guys could do is burst into flames when they crash.
28. Sadly, no one told the Houston Astros they're completely out of the NL playoff race. The Cubs got Rich Harden, the Brewers got C.C. Sabathia and how did the 'Stros respond? They scored Randy Wolf and LaTroy Hawkins. Apparently reality has no place in Houston, Texas.
29. Iraq was told they couldn't participate in the Olympics. Then told they could. Yeah, this is exactly the kind of thing the IOC should be in control of, since that wholly competent body's whims should be in charge of the hopes of millions of Iraqis who could really use a distraction from the 130 degree heat in August.
30. The Arena Bowl was this month. And no matter how much ESPN and Ron Jaworski try to convince me otherwise, Arena Football is an abomination. It's not as bad as Canadian Football, but it's close.
If you love language-butchering and verbal buffoonery then this is going to be tough for you to take. Emmitt Smith has been released by ESPN, kinda.
It's official. Emmitt Smith will not be part of ESPN's two-hour pregame show, NFL Countdown, in 2008.
ESPN is expected to make the formal announcement soon.
Emmitt will be replaced by Cris Carter, whose enhanced visibility could help his chances of getting into the Hall of Fame on the second try. (Then again, if Carter does a bad job or comes off as a blowhard, it could hurt him.)
Emmitt will remain on Monday Night Countdown, and he'll have a role on the Sunday morning pre-Countdown version of SportsCenter.
We know, we know; it's difficult to confront. We loved listening to Emmitt slaughter the simplest of sentences just like everyone else. Don't forget though, he's not gone; he's just on two hours less each week. Anyways, utterances like these will live on forever.
In other news...
[FanHouse.com]: Guess which golfer got rid of his man boobs?
[The World of Isaac]: Hallelujah, we can finally forget about Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon
And finally, hey, where'd you find that guy? We've been looking for a little person friend who's willing to kick himself in the head with steel toe boots too!!
The Olympics are rapidly approaching and the one question on everyone's mind is, "Will the Nigerian football team players cut off their sweet locks or what?"
Nigeria's Olympic football coach Samson Siasia has warned his players that he expects short hair and correct clothing for the Beijing Games, a federation spokesman said on Friday.
Siasia, known as a stickler for discipline, believes that his players are devoting too much time to their elaborate hairstyles, time which he believes could be better used in fine-tuning their performances.
And the coach goes as far as to claim that players with short hair are more aerodynamic and so find it easier to find their rhythm on the pitch.
So the hair makes all the difference, huh? Well, explain these athletes then.
In other news...
[Awful Announcing]: Jeff Brantley does not want to run into Ken Griffey Jr in a dark alley
[JoeSportsFan.com]: We still can't believe we actually beat Mr. X
When in doubt, ask John Madden. That's what we always say. By the time he finishing bumbling his words, you always have a clearer outlook on things. Of course, you gotta listen to him actually speak in that annoying tone if you do that and then you're running the risk of getting list pieces of turduckin spit all over you and that's never pleasant. Plus, the stench from his mouth. Oh, god, the stench. So, actually, nevermind, don't ask John anything in person. Let's just leave all the formulating of intelligent ideas to his video game which predicts the Cowboys take it all this year and here's how.
Playoffs 2008
NFC Division Champions: North - Vikings
South - Buccaneers
West - Rams
East - Cowboys
Wildcards - Saints and Redskins
AFC Division Champions: North - Steelers
South - Colts
West - Chargers
East - Patriots
Wildcards - Jets and Jaguars
Wild Card
The Jaguars went on the road and upset the Chargers, 23-20, by virtue of 147 rushing yards from Fred Taylor. Tampa Bay blew out New Orleans, 37-13, with Drew Brees throwing five -- count them -- five interceptions. Indianapolis held serve against the Jets for a 37-20 victory that offered some revenge for the 41-0 shellacking the Jets laid on them in January of 2003, while the Rams dominated the Redskins in the latter's second straight disappointing playoffs, winning 34-6.
Divisional Round
The Patriots knocked out the Jaguars for the third time this decade, prevailing in a snowy 30-10 battle that saw Lawrence Maroney score three touchdowns. The Colts were unable to claim revenge on the Steelers for their early-2005 loss, with the Steelers winning 19-10. In the NFC, the Cowboys outscored the Rams in a shootout, with three DeMarcus Ware sacks contributing to a 38-24 victory, while the upset of the week saw the Buccaneers blow out the Vikings and poor Tarvaris Jackson on the road, 37-13.
Conference Finals
The Patriots famously blew out the Steelers' following Anthony Smith's trash talk in Week 14 of 2007; this game was closer, but a 25-21 victory with a wild finish gave the Patriots their Super Bowl spot. The game came down to an Ellis Hobbs interception in the end zone on the Steelers' final drive. Their opposition was provided by the Cowboys, who beat the Buccaneers in another classic, 21-17. Tony Romo led the Cowboys down the field in the final two minutes, and when he hit tight end Jason Witten for an 18-yard touchdown pass with :39 left on the clock, the Buccaneers were heartbroken and finished.
Super Bowl
In the Super Bowl, the Patriots started off with the ball, marched down the field, and scored thanks to a Lawrence Maroney touchdown, giving them a 7-0 lead. There was no scoring until the end of the half, when a Stephen Gostkowski field goal put the Patriots up 10-0 heading into halftime.
Coming out of halftime, the Cowboys were clearly an inspired team. They scored when Tony Romo ran the ball in from six yards out, making the score 10-7. The Patriots responded with a huge kickoff return, but couldn't move the ball and could only muster a field goal. That was topped when Isaiah Stanbeck returned the resulting kickoff 95 yards, giving the Cowboys a 14-13 lead. Each team traded field goals on their next possessions, and as the fourth quarter started, the Cowboys led by the narrowest of margins: 17-16.
The Patriots kicked another field goal, Gostkowski's fourth of the game, to take a 19-17 lead. From there, the Cowboys were forced to punt, and the Patriots drove to the Cowboys 2, only for a Zach Thomas sack to force the Patriots to kick yet another field goal; Gostkowski's sixteenth point of the game made the score 22-17.
With three minutes left, Tony Romo launched the drive of his life, the highlight being a 4th-and-2 on his own 33-yard-line where he hit Terrell Owens on a slant for a first down, only for Owens to break a tackle and scamper all the way down to the Patriots 19. Two plays later, Marion Barber ran in from eight yards out to make the score 23-22; they added a two-point conversion to make it 25-22.
Giving Tom Brady the ball with 84 seconds left seemed scary enough, but much like last year, Brady couldn't get his drive started. He nearly threw an interception on first down, was sacked by Thomas on second down on a play where no one got open, was sacked by Ware on third down, and on fourth-and-26, Brady's completed pass came up five yards short, ending the season and giving the Cowboys their sixth Super Bowl. Thomas was named the game's MVP.
For all of the hours of late night studying, countless mock drafts, finger-number stat surfing and spousal neglect you put yourself through during the months leading up to and through the fantasy football season, odds are, you have absolutely nothing to show for it. As we all know from painful seasons past, there can be only one champion per year and the rest of the league is just a bunch of envious losers. So, just accept your fate now because Epic Carnival already has the Top 10 Reasons Why You Won't Win Your Fantasy Football League.
So, pull out of those 15 leagues you're in right now because you don't have a chance in hell. Or at the very least, be ready to get a lot of shirt pointing from the lucky rookie of your league who manages to run the table.
Links:
[Epic Carnival]: Top 10 Reasons Why You Won't Win Your Fantasy Football League
When you're 6 foot-6 inches tall, weigh around 270 pounds and play defensive end in the NFL, you're automatically a tough guy. But that doesn't mean you can't have a soft side. For the Vikings' Jared Allen, his soft side includes a never-leave-home-without-it blankie. Awwwww.
"On one side, it's brown and red, almost like a plaid layout,'' Allen said, squinting into the sun after Saturday morning's practice. "The other side has blue, with little strings on it, and 'All-Pro' written on it in little footballs.
"Grandma made me my first blankie. They wrapped me in it when I was born, and I had it up until I was 14, when it got all torn up.
"I wouldn't let it go, so my dad's customer made me a replacement.''
Discovering that Allen sleeps with his blankie -- which he also refers to as his "b'ankie" -- is like finding out Superman crocheted his own cape, watches "Will & Grace" and unwinds with lilac-scented candles after saving the world. (As Jerry Seinfeld said, "Not that there's anything wrong with that!'')
"It's my little slice of home,'' Allen said. "What I really like is, even when it's hot, my blankie stays cool. It's always the perfect temp. You just cuddle up with it.''
Having a b'ankie might be kinda silly (don't tell him we said that though), but it's much better than what most NFL players "cuddle" up with at night; primarily hookers and skanks.
Links:
[StarTribune.com]: Newest Viking goes nite-nite with his b'ankie
10. Hetero double entendres. Kind of a frat boy thing, but this can work if you find a particularly repulsive slang term (UrbanDictionary.com is your friend), or you can tie it into some regrettable instance from a league mate's past. Can you win a league with the team from spite? Of course you can.
