Categories
NBA General

Kevin Durant was born with 11 toes?!?! No wonder Portland might pass.


So, apparently there is a “FakeDurant” out there somewhere who is posting on Yardbarker as if he was the real Kevin Durant. Why is this news? Well, it looks like the NBA bound Durant’s peeps are requesting that the post be removed because FakeDurant is saying some pretty odd things and they don’t want their meal ticket getting a bad rap. The idea is good, but who the hell is going to believe that stuff like this would be written by the sickest freshman of all time (oh, not to mention it’s posted by FakeDurant!!!):

I met with the fine folks of the Seattle Sonics this week. They asked me what number I wanted to be and I said “69!” I mean DUH LOL.

I HAD A SIXTH TOE ON MY RIGHT FOOT WHEN I WAS BORN AND THE DOCTOR CUT IT OFF!

People are always interviewing me and they all want to know whether or not I think Joakim Noah is ugly. I DO! Sorry bro BUT YOUS HIDEOUS lol!!! But I think everyone agrees with me when I say I’d love to team up with the MilfHunter and hunt down his mom! I mean OMG good thing I’m wearing compression shorts right now!

I took a poop today and the inside of the toilet looked like a smiley face…does that mean i might be gay? FREE BRITNEY (aka MILF)!!!

Well, now that we think about it, that does totally sound like something Durant would say. It might happen. Yeah, and monkeys might fly out of our butts.

Links:

[Awful Announcing]: Fake Durant Causes Yardbarker To Get Contacted By Real Durant’s People

Categories
LA Lakers

The Kobe Bryant video is out and we feel cheated

It’s hard to believe any of the reports that you hear about Kobe Bryant anymore. One minute he wants this, the next minute he wants that; but the one thing we do know is that Bryant has a dirty potty mouth.

We know that L.A. is still trying to keep their cornerstone, but now that the Kevin Garnett trade has fallen through and the Lakers have reportedly turned their attention toward an injury prone Jermaine O’Neal, there’s only one way to make Bryant a winner again: “Ship his ass out!”

Links:

[Our Book of Scrap]: The Full “Kobe Rips The Lakers” video

Categories
Kansas City Royals

The Full Count: Bring out the brooms


1. Surprising Sweeps: Multiple teams completed unexpected sweeps on Wednesday. The most shocking was the Royals’ sweep over the Angels, who have the most wins in the majors. KC beat them with pitching, allowing just 7 runs the entire series and none yesterday. Jorge De La Rosa, who came into the game with six straight losses, outdeuled the Angels’ Jered Weaver for a 1-0 win. The majors’ second-best team was swept too as the Mariners dominated the Red Sox. Their 2-1, 11-inning win yesterday was capped off by Jose Lopez’s game-winning RBI double. One of Dice-K’s best starts of the year, an eight-inning, three-hit gem, was blown by the bullpen. The Braves busted out of a slump to crush the awful Nationals for three much-needed victories. They annihilated them on Wednesday 13-0, bringing them to a tie with the Phillies in the process.

2. No Support for the Rocket: Roger Clemens isn’t pitching very well, with a 5.32 ERA through four starts. However, the Yankees’ offense isn’t helping him out much. In his last three starts, all losses, Clemens has received three runs of support from the offense. On Wednesday, Clemens allowed 4 runs in 6 innings, but the Yankees were shut out by the Orioles. Erik Bedard was fantastic, with 7 innings, 2 hits, and 8 strikeouts in the win. With another loss, Clemens was denied his 350th win yet again. The Yanks have now dropped four games in a row.

3. Older is Better: A record-tying six 40-year-old pitchers took the mound on Wednesday. Clemens, Smoltz, Glavine, Maddux, Woody Williams, and Jamie Moyer all took the mound. They went a combined 3-1, with Smoltz, Maddux, and Glavine picking up the victories. For Glavine it was his 297th career win. Maddux pitched seven strong innings to gain career win number 340. Most of these pitchers are having excellent seasons, and perhaps there have never been as many excellent 40-year-old pitchers as there are this year. Kenny Rogers was scheduled to start as well, but the Tigers game was rained out.

Player of the Day: Jack Cust: 2-5, HR (13), 5 RBIs as the A’s beat the Indians 13-7.

Categories
All Other Sports

Tatiana Golovin’s underwear makes news at Wimbledon; now that’s a story



Salute your shorts!

If you don’t know who Tatiana Golovin is, you’ll probably remember her red “knickers.” As most tennis chicks do, Golovin wore an itty bitty skirt during her match on Wednesday that showed off her underwear from time to time. Now, you’d never catch us complaining about something like this but apparently not everyone is so pleased and during a during a rain delay someone took a peak under her skirt and determined that by definition the undies were “knickers” and not “cycling shorts” and because they didn’t go below her skirt, they were permitted.

Wimbledon regulations require that “Each individual item of clothing must be almost entirely white.” Needless to say the red under shorts don’t qualify as white, but as long as the panties only appear sporadically it seems that she’ll be allowed to wear them. Yippie!!

They say red is a colour that proves you are strong and confident, so I’m happy with my red knickers.”

“I’ll keep wearing them as long as I keep winning. They are lucky.”

“For these two weeks, it’s going to be red. Then it’s a surprise for after that.

Obviously, we’ve found a new tennis starlet that we’re going to be keeping our eyes on. What can we say, we love surprises.

Links:

[The Sun Online]: Knickers to you lot, says Tatiana

Categories
Cleveland Indians

The Full Count: The A’s get and "F" for effort


1. Losing streak over–not!: It seemed like the A’s recent slide would end as they led the Indians 5-3 going into the ninth inning on Tuesday. But Cleveland rallied for the win, taking a share of the division lead in the process. A two-run double by Travis Hafner tied the score up, then a three-run homer by pinch-hitter Kelly Shoppach won it for the Indians. The A’s have now lost five in a row and are nine games out of the division lead. Cleveland is tied with Detroit again after the Tigers dropped two in a row to the lousy Rangers.

2. The Brewers are Back: The Brewers have returned to the level of play they showed in late April and early May, giving them a huge division lead and the NL’s best record once again. Milwaukee has won 11 of their last 13 to improve to 45-32, with a 7.5 game lead over the Cubs. They routed the Astros 11-5 on Tuesday thanks to a nine-run sixth inning. Rickie Weeks hit a single that scored three runs due to an error, and it was followed by Tony Graffanino’s pinch-hit two-run homer and Johnny Estrada’s grand slam. Given the Brewers’ level of play recently, they own the NL Central unless another contender emerges.

3. The AL’s dark horse: Believe it or not, the Seattle Mariners are legit contenders in the American League. They’ve won six of their last seven and four in a row to move to 41-33, which puts them four games out of a wild card spot. They’ve beaten the Red Sox the first two games of their series, including a wild 8-7 victory yesterday. Richie Sexson hit a key two-run homer which gave the Mariners a lead they wouldn’t give up in the sixth inning. Ichiro pounded out two more hits to raise his average to .362, good for second in the league behind Magglio Ordonez. He’s hitting .411 this month.

Player of the Day: Jarrod Saltalamacchia, Braves: 2-4, 2 HR (4), 2 RBIs as the Braves beat the Nats 6-2.

Categories
All Other Sports

Here’s another extreme sport for all you adrenaline junkies

So, we’re always looking for ways to the fill the void that encompasses the normal sports fan during the long, hot days of summer. First, we discovered the newest sensation sweeping the nation which is commonly referred to as “backjumping”. Now, we’ve discovered that our regular Saturday night behavior was actually a bona fide sport. Well, it’s considered a sport in England. At least, it’s a start.

Categories
Chicago Bears

If it wasn’t for family, Tank Johnson wouldn’t have anyone


Family is suppose to be there for you through thick and thin, even if your name in Tank Johnson. And as unbelievable as it sounds, somebody out there has a soft spot in their hearts for the former Bear. Lucky for Tank, he’s got at least two people who are still on his side; his grandparents.

It hurts,” Johnson’s grandfather, Harvey Johnson, said. “When I read the paper about Tank Johnson, it really hurts

We’re hoping that he would get himself together, and if not… he’s got my prayers every day of the week,” Johnson’s grandmother, Alice Johnson said.

“I’d just like to see him go through this life with a better report than what he’s got,” she said.

And if jail and losing his job aren’t enough to convince Tank that he’s on a road to nowhere, then maybe a pep talk from gramps will do the trick.

I’d like to sit and talk with him,” Harvey Johnson said. “Give me a call. Let me talk to him.

Good luck with that. Unfortunately, we have a feeling that you’ll be talking to a brick wall.

Links:

[CBS2Chicago.com]: Tank Johnson’s Grandparents On His Career

Categories
Utah Jazz

Salt Lake City can finally joke again after getting pounded in the playoffs

So, there we were, thumbing through the online edition of The Salt Lake Tribune (a regular read of ours) when the headline “Jazz prospect is `very tall, and very Romanian’” caught our eyes. We were kind of taken back by the comment until we read the article and were pleasantly surprised that our Salt Lake source wasn’t reduced to merely evaluating players based solely on the criteria of their height and nationality. Unfortunately, we were somewhat preoccupied during the entire read because after that headline, we just couldn’t get this broadcasting blunder out of our heads:

There was also a comment in the second paragraph about how nothing causes more anxiety than the phrase “Benoit for three!” We’re going to assume that he means the former Jazz player and not the former lowlife, family killing wrestler.

Categories
All Other Sports

WWE cuts ties with Chris Benoit as the sick truth surfaces


After the sick and twisted details emerged surrounding the Chris Benoit tragedy, it was clear that Vince McMahon was extremely pissed about having wasted a three hour RAW to honor the sick killer. Not to mention the perfect storm of steroid allegations. So, to open ECW, McMahon issued this statement that virtually brushed Benoit off the WWE map:

Last night on ‘Monday Night Raw,’ the WWE presented a special tribute show, recognizing the career of Chris Benoit. However, now some 26 hours later, the facts of this horrific tragedy are now apparent. Therefore, other than my comments, there will be no mention of Mr. Benoit tonight. On the contrary, tonight’s show will be dedicated to everyone who has been affected by this terrible incident. This evening marks the first step of the healing process. Tonight, the WWE performers will do what they do better than anyone else in the world — entertain you.

And with that being said, the WWE was back to business as usual; on screen, that is.

John Cena made a rare ECW appearance as he kicked off the show with a match against the newly crowned champion of the brand, Johnny Nitro. Nitro gave it his all, but he was completely outclassed by Cena and, in his first title defense, the paparazzi’s favorite superstar tapped out to the STFU.

But the fun didn’t stop there for the humiliated young champ as he discovered that the new number one contender for his title will be CM Punk. Punk survived a “two out of three falls” match against Elijah Burke by delivering the GTS in the third and final fall to set up a rematch of Vengeance’s title bout.

And in between those two matches was a ridiculous skit involving Rowdy Roddy Piper and Matt Striker that ended with Striker getting a face full of his own birthday cake. Oh, and to top it off, the Boogie Man showed up and KO’d the birthday boy before doing performing his worm regurgitation tradition. Happy Birthday To Ewwwww!

Categories
NBA General

Odds and Ends: Kevin Durant gets Gilbertized

Gilbert Arenas is a great talent on the court, but it’s pretty well known that he’s a bit cuckoo in the head. And Kevin Durant is a superstar in the waiting who is a human sponge waiting for the proper teacher. Basically what we are saying is that if we were the GM at Portland or Seattle, we would get our cornerstone of the future the hell away from Agent 0.

In other news…

[USA Today]: Jockey gets a slap on the wrist for kicking a horse.

[SI.com]: It’s up and down for Chicago Bears fans.

[ESPN]: Chris Benoit murdered his wife and son; the ugly truth unfolds.

[ABC13.com]: Yao Ming is getting married!

[AZCentral.com]: Stephen Jackson is gone but the Pacers are still going to court.

And finally, Tank Johnson, Pacman Jones, Michael Vick and a slew of other might be on the outside looking in at the moment, but we think that we might have found a kid who is working on filling those empty NFL holes one day. He definitely has the off-field behavior down.