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NFL General

Super Bowl Forty-Ewwww


As if the fact Eli Manning is playing in the Super Bowl isn’t nauseating enough, now we find out that we gotta go dipless for the entire ridiculous six-hour duration of the game. You might think double-dipping is just an everyday occurrence, completely blown out of proportion on an episode of Seinfeld, but you’d be wrong. Oh, boy, would you be wrong.

Clemson University did a study measuring the disgustingness of partaking in chip-to-dip-to-mouth-to-dip-to-mouth behavior and they found Timmy was right; “that’s like putting your whole mouth right in the dip.”

[Clemson professor Paul L.] Dawson said that on average, the students found that the three to six double dips transferred about 10,000 bacteria from an eater’s mouth to the remaining dip sample.

“Our objective was, does it transfer bacteria? And unequivocally, it does,” Dawson said.

In the study, the students looked for the “aerobic bacteria” in the dip samples, which Dawson said is bacteria that grows in the air, as compared to bacteria that might grow in a closed area such as a canned food item.

The professor said the students’ research didn’t get into the risk behind such a bacteria transfer, but they got the idea.

“We didn’t test for whether they were transferring the flu virus or colds. But we know that’s how most colds and flu are transferred,” Dawson said.

And the bottom line at the food table?

“You can eat the dip, but you shouldn’t eat it when someone else is double dipping,” Dawson said, adding, “I like to say it’s like kissing everybody at the party – if you’re double dipping, you’re putting some of your bacteria in that dip.

Wait; kissing everybody at the party is a bad thing? Ohhh, sorry Worm, that sucks for you.

Links:

[GoUpState.com]: Double dipping alert: Watch for bacteria in your Super Bowl dip

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NFL General

We heard Alonzo Spellman was committed to fighting, but we thought he meant MMA


That nutty ol’ Alonzo Spellman was at it again on Tuesday. The former Bear/Cowboy/Lion found himself in the pokey after playing a game of vehicular tag with the po-pos in Tulsa, OK. Oh, what will he do next?

Spellman was arrested on complaints of traffic violations and resisting arrest and booked into the Tulsa County Jail, police spokesman Leland Ashley said.

The chase began at 12:23 p.m. after officers responded to a disturbance at a convenience store in midtown Tulsa, Ashley said. When officers arrived, Spellman got into a green Chrysler Pacifica and drove away, Ashley said.

“He took us on a little pursuit through the city,” Ashley said. “We had to use stop sticks that took out three of his tires.”

After the vehicle stopped, Spellman refused to get out of the car for about 20 minutes until officers fired “pepper bullets” through the windows.

Too bad the crew of Delta Flight 2038 didn’t have “pepper bullets” back when Spellman went post 9/11 bat crap crazy at 30,000 feet above sea level.

According to court documents, Spellman verbally abused a flight attendant, essentially threatening to kill her for interfering. When a young mother of two asked him to stop using profanity, Spellman turned on her. He called Karen Weaver, among other things, a whore and told her to silence her crying baby.

When the plane landed and he was approached by Captain Robert Freund, Spellman said, “I can feel the adrenaline rushing through my hands. I’m about to rip your throat out.”

If police came aboard, Spellman said, “They are going to have to carry me off in a body bag.

Links:

[NBC10.com]: Alonzo Spellman Arrested After Chase
[SunTimes.com]: Alonzo Spellman arrested

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NFL General

We’re sorry Golic, but losing to a camel is inexcusable. Turn in your Playa Card.


P.T. Barnum famously said “There’s a sucker born every minute.” Case in point, any moron who actually wagers big money on this year’s Super Bowl based on which friggin’ graham cracker Princess the camel decided to snack on first. Sadly though, we know there is some hard-luck loser out there somewhere willing to risk his family’s mortgage on a camel’s intuition. But no matter how stupid it might sound to listen to Princess for your Super Bowl advice, she gives you a helluva better shot than some so-called experts out there.

Her picks are nothing to spit at: Princess, who once belonged to heiress Doris Duke, went 11-6 during the regular season and is 8-out-of-10 in the playoffs this year. Her prowess is equal to that of some of the most famous forecasters.

“I can’t explain it, but her predictions, more often than not, are right on the money,” said John Bergmann, general manager of Popcorn Park Zoo, the southern New Jersey facility for elderly, abused or unwanted animals where Princess has lived since 2004. “I’m hoping she’s right this time because I’m a Giants fan.”

Princess’ prognostication skills flow from her love of graham crackers. Bergmann will choose a game at random during the regular season, place a cracker in each hand, and use a permanent marker to scrawl the name of a competing team on each hand.

Whichever hand Princess nibbles from is her “pick” for that week.

Her regular season mark of 11-6 comes out to a .647 winning percentage. (Since she never quite got the hang of points spreads, Princess picks the games straight-up, just choosing the winner.)

By comparison, Dave Goldberg, the Associated Press football writer who makes NFL picks each weekend, posted a .664 regular season percentage.

ESPN’s Ron Jaworski, the former Philadelphia Eagles quarterback, had a .688 mark, but Princess topped Mike Golic, another former Eagle on ESPN, who came in at .584.

And in case you’re still wondering who Princes picked then you have a serious addiction and should seek professional help immediately. But put $100 on the Giants first. Princess says it’s a lock.

Links:

[KMBC.com]: Camel Picks Giants To Win Super Bowl

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NFL General

Super Bowl tickets are expensive; don’t forget you’re gonna have to watch Eli too


We know that the chance to see a perfect 19-0 season doesn’t come around very often, but this is starting to get just a little out of hand. Don’t you people have kids you want to send to college?

Asking prices for the Feb. 3 game range from $2,450 to $19,446 at StubHub, a unit of eBay Inc. and the biggest of the online resellers. Officials there say the average price so far is $4,300 for tickets that the National Football League originally priced at either $700 or $900.

“You gotta mortgage your home to get into the game,” said Michael Hershfield, a former lawyer who recently started the ticketing Web site LiveStub.com. “There’s this recipe that’s been spiced up for a very exciting, very hot event. With all the changes in the industry, this combination has created this current wave of supply and demand.”

RazorGator Chief Executive Jeff Lapin, who is predicting total sales will set a record, is amazed what buyers are willing to pay. Tickets on his Web site are listed between $2,700 and $7,200. “I’m telling my friends to buy now because it looks like it’s going to be tight,” he said.

StubHub figures show the march higher of scalped tickets in recent years. Tickets it handled for last year’s game between the Bears and the Colts averaged $4,004. That was sharply higher than the Steelers-Seahawks in 2006 at $3,009, the Eagles-Patriots in 2005 at $2,659, the Patriots-Panthers in 2004 at $2,290, and the Raiders-Buccaneers in 2003 at $2,767.

Considering the University of Phoenix Stadium will seat around 75,000 on game day, we’re talking about a whole lotta the greenbacks. Even with an expensive divorce settlement ahead, we know Shaq Daddy can foot the bill, but what about us regular Joe Six Packs? We’re going to have to sell our organs to get through the gates? Aww, screw it; if we’re dropping a load of cash, it’s going to be at the Lingerie Bowl and it’s going to be all in one dollar bills!

Links:

[CBS2.com]: Super Bowl LXII Tix Fetch Record Prices

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NFL General

Forget everything that happened ON the field in the NFL, we’re talking `bout talking

We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again: we loves us some soundbites!

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NFL General

When did "Michael Row the Boat Ashore" become a stadium anthem?

If you thought that Janet Jackson’s nip slip was the most offensive moment the Super Bowl ever produced then you ain’t seen nothing yet. Obviously, you don’t remember the “Up With People” fiasco during SB XVI. Like with Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction a few years back, if there are small children in the room, cover their eyes and ears immediately.

Links:

[The Big Lead]: Worst. Super Bowl. Halftime. Ever.

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NFL General

Touchdown celebrations just aren’t what they used to be

2007 was definitely a down year for clever touchdown celebrations in the National Football League, we mean the No Fun League. Chad Johnson tried his best to get the year off to a good start, but, unfortunately, donning a “Future Hall of Famer” jacket was both the highlight and lowlight of end zone elation this season. So, we’re going to go fire up the `way back’ machine and bring you a classic football celebration to make up for this year’s lack of luster. It’s not Johnson’s Irish jig, Steve Smith’s boat ride or pole slide, Terrell Owens’ Sharpie or even Gus Frerotte’s head-butt. Nope, this celebration is much nuttier than any of those.

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NFL General

"Mr. Automatic" to the rescue!!


Norm Johnson spent 18 years in the NFL as a placekicker where he nailed his share of game-winners. But none of that matter to a Seattle woman who just knows him as her hero.

The woman, Virginia Sayson, was driving when her car hit a patch of ice, throwing it into a skid before sending the car flipping over into a ditch. Sayson was knocked unconscious momentarily and when she awoke, she found herself upside-down, trapped inside the car as water flooded into the cabin.

She removed her seatbelt, crawled into the back of the car, frantically searched for her cell phone with no success and then, out of nowhere, the former Seahawk showed up on the scene.

I was screaming, ‘Please help me,’ ” Sayson said. “He came back with a big rock, gave me a sign to back up and he broke the window,” Sayson said.

Johnson, 47, initially tried to force open all of the doors, but they were pinned. He even tried kicking the window, but couldn’t break the glass because the car was “at a weird angle.”

The rock did the trick.

Ahhh, we love a story with a happy ending. And what really makes this a truly inspiring act is the selflessness Johnson displayed after the heroic deed. He doesn’t need or want recognition for his act; nope, just a little reciprocation would be nice.

I just happened to be in the right place at the right time,” Johnson said. “If I was in a car upside down, I would hope somebody would come out and save me.

Links:

[SeattleTimes.com]: Former Seahawk kicker pulls motorist from ditch
[King5.com]: Former Seahawks kicker rescues woman from car

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NFL General

Is Jimmy Kimmel writing Emmitt Smith’s material?

We know that Emmitt Smith has 18,355 career rushing yards and 175 total touchdowns. And we know that he can do the salsa, the tango and probably even the Macarena. But those don’t involve the forming of coherent sentences.

We never thought anyone could make Stu Scott look appealing, but congrats E, you’ve made history again.

Links:

[Awful Announcing]: Emmitt Smith’s Analogies Need Some Work

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NFL General

Streaking. It’s not just for tennis and soccer anymore.

We had absolutely no desire to watch the Dolphins and Giants game from London on Sunday. But then it hit us like a ton of bricks: streakers! And sure enough, what did we miss out on? Yup, a guy with a football over his pylon living it up at right there on the center of the pitch, er, field.

Links:

[Our Book of Scrap]: Tom Brady Also Threw This Guy A Touchdown Pass Yesterday