all-other-sports
Take the movie Dodgeball, mix it up with Peyton Manning’s public service announcement and throw in a pair of losers who almost take themselves as seriously as finger jousters and what do you get? Unfortunately, you get this:
Well? Are you ready for some kickball!!!!!
For those of you who don’t know what parkour is, it’s basically hauling ass around your local environment and running, jumping, spinning, rolling, flipping, sliding, climbing and bouncing on anything and everything you can get your hands or feet to stick to. When it’s done correctly it can be some of the most jaw dropping, mind boggling acrobatics you’ve ever seen in your life. But when it is performed by a bunch of pimple faced finger jousters then this is what you get:
Eh, one less finger jouster isn’t such a bad thing.
We know that after a summer of baseball, football is finally starting to take over the fall. Still, lots of guys out there are completely lost in the fog of baseball until a champ is crowned. To those super focused, elite fans that have nothing but bats and balls on the mind, we have six little words for you: what the hell are you thinking?
Oooooooh, they must finger joust on the side.
A group of children witnessed the horrific sight of a homicide as they participated in a football tournament back on August 12. The game, which was established to promote nonviolence throughout the Cincinnati community, was cut tragically short when Dante Allen cold-bloodedly shot Earnest Crear in the head near the stadium. Needless to say, it could take a normal adult months or years to get over something that ghastly, but it could scar a 6 to 12-year-old kid, the age range of the participating players, for life.
So, how does the city go about caring for the young bystanders that were subjected to the violence? You’d probably figure that the city council members would extend some type of counseling to the children and their families, but you’d be wrong. No, Cincinnati’s big wigs and the community church leaders decided to give the runts tickets to the circus and call it even. Are you kidding?! The freakin’ circus!! These kids are subjected to a violent murder and all you can do is give `em a free pass to watch 27 clowns tumble out of a 1973 VW Bug after some douche launches himself out of a cannon? Yeah, that promotes healing.
Look, we’re not asking you to stop the world and cater to these kids all the way through adolescence, but a little more compassion than a $7 ticket to a ¾ empty arena would be nice. Maybe the next time tragedy strikes your city’s youth you can just sweep it under the rug by handing out vouchers good for one free bookmark the next time they visit the Cincinnati public library. Hey, at least this takes some heat off the mayor for his horrendous opening pitch.
Links:
[Local12.com]: Kids Who Witnessed Murder Get Tickets To Circus
[KSBY.com]: Shooting ends kid’ football tournament aimed at promoting nonviolence in Cincinnati
Ever wonder what the locals do during the other eleven months of the year when the Tour de Farce France isn’t in town?
We don’t know about ya’ll, but there’s no way we’re changing a tire on anything with our manhood hanging out. Not even if there’s shrinkage of frightened turtle proportions.
Dear Sports Column:
I must say that I enjoy your tactics of passive-aggression. Instead of replying with an equally witty and derisive reply or at least the common “don’t worry about it” approach, you post the email in a blog entry and attempt to deride the organization in order to gain readership. I would have guessed that you would have taken this approach, but I assumed as the editor, you were of a higher class than the writer (rather than one-in-the-same). Excluding the fact, that your new entry was highly amateurish and of the literary level I would expect from an 8th Grader, it was actually quite humorous at some points. The humor did not extend, however, into the title of the entry or the caption under that entirely too old image of me; the middle finger/finger jousting comparison has been around longer than the amount of time you last were in contact with a person of the opposite gender,
and the rhyming of a profanity with Gluck is equally as old considering it has been used by drill instructors in the military with members of my family for generations, and I used a portmanteau and satire of the like sounds in my campaign for class president (I didn’t run on a finger jousting platform, though I am sure you guys would have gotten a kick out of that, and I did win).Blabbering fool with a dull tongue? I actually thought the allusions were quite amusing like a Dennis Miller sketch but with apropos verbosity in accordance with your level of education (or so I inferred from the diction and syntax of your articles). That all was just to have some fun and nothing truly offensive; it was too corny to
be, and I was just pointing out that your article could have at least taken a neutral position instead of a poor commentarial one. Splicing up my letter to suit your purposes though was a little under-handed and what about “the ability to stop the war in Iraq?” What bearing do your political policies have in relation to this topic? Your article is full of more ad hominem, ad ignorantiam, and attempts to change the subject than an attorney’s cross-examination.I do however appreciate your statement that “everybody needs something to believe in, regardless of how ridiculous it is” and at least giving it some value as “thumb wrestling 2.0.” I do believe it has a higher value and substance than your journalism since journalism is displaying already created or occurred content to the masses, and this is original in itself. What’s more amazing is that you posted this and put it on the blog’s homepage; there must be very little going on in the sports world today, or you guys are fresh out of anything interesting;
maybe you just didn’t score that interview with Barry Bonds? Any real sports journalism website would either have not even bothered to send back a reply or just sent a “you are lame” email instead of trying to make a giant news story out of it. Heck, I haven’t even mentioned this on our website. What would the title be anyways: “Asinine Amateur Sports Blog Poorly Derides Finger Jousting.” I am pretty sure our readers would just laugh at your article as garrulous garbage; the other games you mentioned are pretty laughable but ultimate Frisbee is a growing sport, and you had some backlash by players in your article on it. Seriously though, by posting it up there, you really are only helping us out by garnering more hits to our site and really “all press is good press.”Do I consider myself a humanitarian? Of course, I do not. I try my best to help out my fellow man through service in the Air Force Auxiliary, state house of representatives, school, and community service (as well as other members of the Federation do as well)-and through the slice of revenue sent by the WFJF to help out these causes rather than paying for items I could use-but I am no humanitarian. I wish I could send you the picture of the child with muscular dystrophy that we helped out this year though. It is some pretty powerful imagery. Thank you for your time and may the joust be with you!
Cordially,
Julian R. Gluck
The Lord of the Joust
President of the WFJF
www.FingerJoust.com
Sportscolumn Translation: “My name is Julian Gluck. I finger joust with other men and I have never touched a woman.”
The next time you’re taking in a sporting event and some loser with a microphone comes over and invites you to “play a game” on the field or court, don’t let your excitement get the best of you. They might offer you lavish prizes, but you must resist. And if they ever, and we mean ever, try to put a blindfold on you, just start running like a chicken with it’s head cut off. Of course, take the blindfold off first.
Links:
[Awful Announcing]: Ashley Could…Go…All…The…Wait Ashley! Stop Ashley!!!
While we love traditional sports like baseball, football, hockey and basketball, we also love to get out and hunt down those underground `extreme’ sports that are taking the country by storm. Of course, by extreme we mean total wastes of energy.
We’ve shown you extreme backjumping, ferrett legging, Japanese pen spinning, ultimate Frisbee and the National Xtreme Baseball League, but our absolute favorite (and by favorite we mean most disturbing) is finger jousting. However, we quickly learned that the only things stranger than some of these whacky sports are the even whackier people behind these whacky sports. Like Julian R. Gluck, aka The Lord of the Joust. Gluck is the president of the World Finger Jousting Federation and is exactly the kind of loser that takes his ridiculous “sport” and himself way, way too seriously.
I have to say that I found your article on finger jousting entitled “Those who can’t play real sports turn to ‘finger jousting’ for excitement” very interesting: about as interesting as watching a Hoover Vacuum Commercial except your article sucks more, is free, and unlike the commercial your article has no novelty value; kind of like a pet rock that’s been chiseled into the likeness of Steven Segal.
I heard public school systems are now using your article in Sex Education classes as a contraceptive instead of abstinence, because your article has a better chance of making a person unexcited and flaccid than wearing x-ray glasses while watching the Gilmore Girls, and friends can makes fun of students for being abstinent but not for reading your article.
Oh, but Gluck is so much more than just a blabbering fool with a dull tongue. See, his efforts are actually changing lives or so he says. By his account, finger jousting, which is “inherently of a higher value and original substance,” has the ability to virtually stop the war in Iraq. And don’t forget for a second who’s at the heart of this.
organization with myself doing around 95% of everything. Considering that I started this venture at fourteen years of age, and it has grown significantly larger and has been able to help out with these charities and make a positive impact in the lives of some kids, I think that’s something pretty important.
Listen, if you want to trick yourself into believing that holding hands and trying to poke each other is a meaningful cause then have it. Everybody needs something to believe in, regardless of how ridiculous it is. Just don’t expect us to fall for the “inherently high value and substance” line of B.S. that you’re dishing out. You’re no humanitarian and this stupid gimmick is no vehicle for “making a positive impact.” Call it what it is, thumb wrestling 2.0.
Nick Hogan might want to give up driving, both casually and professionally. We’ve shown you Nick’s poor driving skills before, so it shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone that he’s gone off and crashed another car. However, this time it nearly cost him and his passenger their lives.
The 17-year-old Hulkamaniac was apparently driving way to fast down a Clearwater, FL., street Sunday night when he lost control of his yellow Toyota Supra and slammed it into a palm tree in the median. The wreck was so violent that it destroyed the car to the point where both Hogan and his friend, John Graziano, had to be cut from the car by rescue workers. Hogan was the less injured of the two, but both had to be flown to the hospital for treatment. Nick has since been released.
We hope that Graziano pulls through because the last thing any kid needs is the death of a friend of their head. But hopefully this will teach Nick that the world isn’t his own personal drifting course. He might think that he’s a professional driver, but his track record with vehicles shows that he is anything but. Frankly, Hulk should never utter these words to his son again:
Links:
[MyFoxTampaBay.com]: Hulk Hogan’s son injured in car crash
If you can make it to the world championships of anything then you’ve gotta be pretty darn good at your area of competition. So, we going to guess that nine times outta ten, Austrian steeplechaser Guenther Weidlinger makes it over those precarious hurdles on the course without even breaking a sweat. Luckily for us, the one time he didn’t make it over the top there were cameras in place to record the entire painful disaster.
Ya’ know, now that we think about it, we’re starting to think that ol’ Guenther might be the long lost cousin of this guy.
Links:
[MSNBC]: Austrian smacks face into hurdle at worlds
