Devin Hester might be the fastest man in Madden history but that doesn’t make him a good singer. But, like so many before him, Hester was asked to sing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” in front of the Cubbies crowd and, like so many before him, he fell flat on his face. Here’s the horrific proof that Hester definitely belongs on the field and not in a recording studio.
Winning the Masters as an unheard of underdog has got to be the thrill of a lifetime, but reading a Top Ten list on the Late Show with David Letterman probably ranks as a close second for Zach Johnson. Last night Johnson made an appearance with Dave and proudly proclaimed the “Top Ten Things I Can Say Now That I’ve Won The Masters.”
10: I’m going to spend the prize money on Mountain Dew and beef jerky
9: I once beat a caddy to death with a 7-iron.
8: It’s so weird – before this weekend, I’d never broke 100.
7: The jacket’s okay, but I’m most excited to win the “World’s Greatest Golfer” key chain.
6: Even I’ve never heard of me.
5: If you like golf, you’ll love the sleek looks and smooth handling of the 2007 Volkswagen Golf Sedan — I just made 50 grand.
4: I just wrote down “3” for every hole. Nobody checked.
3: Maybe I can parlay this into an appearance on “Dancing With The Stars.”
2: It’s a magical week: first I win the Masters, and now I get to tell lame jokes on a third-rate talk show.
1: Thanks to global warming, next year I’m playing without pants.
Our personal favorite is No. 3 because it’s probably the truth. Hey, if Billy Ray Cyrus can make the show, then so can you Zach.
In other news…
[Sports by Brooks]: Oh no he didnt: Sports By Brooks says an outbreak of equine herpes in Hong Kong might scare away womens basketball players. That’s just not right.
[Seattle Times]: Former Seahawk Warren Moon arrested for DUI
[Gheorge: The Blog]: Kevin Millar does his best Ray Lewis impersonation (the dance, not being an accessory to two murders)
[Steroid Nation]: Australia wants to test school kids for steroids
[The Big Lead]: An Interview with Mike Vaccaro of the NY Post
[Awful Announcing]: The guy from Awful Announcing has lost his mind
And finally, we have two soccer stories from our favorite soccer blog, the Offside. First, Ronaldo will be on a episode of the Simpsons. The slim Ronaldo, not the fat one. Second, this David Beckham thing is out of control: Beckhams toilet paper.
Jon Bon Jovi finally let his perfectly coiffed hair down and showed that he actually does have a rock-n-roll bone left in his body.
As usual, the ESPN2 camera crew spent more time panning the crowd and box seats than they panning up and down the field at Monday’s game between the Philadelphia Soul and the Georgia Force. Well, the move actually paid off when they turned the lens on JBJ after the Force scored a questionable touchdown with under 10 minutes remaining as he threw a double barreled salute to the officials who made the call.
I didn’t understand the ruling,” he said. Bergeron “did have possession on the play. He fumbled in the end zone. He recovered the ball. I reacted to something I didn’t know the rule on.”
Bon Jovi said he obviously didn’t realize that the camera was pointed at him.
“I apologize for the middle-finger thing,” he said. “I didn’t understand the rule. It’s simple as that. We will be back next week.
Oh, don’t apologize. Sports needs more of this from it’s owners and representatives. Hopefully Bon Jovi’s business partner and recent addition to the Monday Night Football booth Ron Jaworski will show the same type of enthusiasm when the NFL officials blow an obvious call.
Links:
[Philly.com]: Bon Jovi flips as squelched rally leads to Soul’s first loss
[ZWire.com]: Force isn’t with Soul, Bon Jovi in first loss
We can’t get enough of the Round Mound here at SportsColumn, but our view isn’t shared by everybody. For instance, 620 KTAR out of Phoenix doesn’t seem to appreciate the Chuckster’s criticism of their home team, so they made this spoof for their station. Apparently they think Barkley needs to have “a nice, hot cup of shut the f*** up.” We don’t necessarily agree, but it’s funny as hell anyway.
If you put a microphone in Charles Barkley’s hand, you will get a good sound bite. And the candid Hall of Famer didn’t disappoint when he spoke to the Downtown Tip-Off Club in Little Rock, Arkansas. Barkley was invited to speak by ex-teammate and current Arkansas-Little Rock assistant coach Joe Klein, but Sir-Cumference wasn’t there to tell of his educational achievements when he was at Auburn. How could he when he skipped out early to go pro.
Well, in that case, he should fit in just fine with the rest of our nations politicians when he runs for governor of Alabama in 2014 (he has to live in Alabama for seven years before running).
Actually, what’s unfortunate and sad is that the possible future governor of Alabama doesn’t know what side of the globe Argentina is on. At least he knows what Alabama looks like.
Links:
[KVOA.com]: Barkley entertains at Arkansas club
We all know that Joakim Noah looks funny. And we all know that Joakim Noah dances funny. But did you know that Joakim Noah could be funny behind the mic. Well, it’s not exactly Eddie Murphy or George Carlin funny but we still think that you’ll get a chuckle out of Noah’s reaction to being called “good” by Ohio State guard Ron Lewis. Apparently, Noah has been attending the Alicia Silverstone school of comedy.
We don’t usually talk about ice skating but every now and then comes along a story that epitomizes the human spirit and provides hope that all life’s challenges can be triumphed. This is one of those stories.
By now everyone knows that Hollywood has created a film which depicts the rise and fall of figure skater extraordinaire Chazz Michael Michaels, entitled Blades of Glory. It’s a riveting tale of the passion and desire that it took for Michaels to return to the sport he loves so deeply.
Here’s what a few of his fellow competitors had to say about his return to the pro figure skating circuit.
Another day… hey no hockey fight video. But we do have this great short film from 2003. This is pretty damn funny. “Screen! Screen!!” (thanks to Off Wing Opinion)
Via Deadspin comes this funny yet groan inducing video of a kid practicing his dunks on a mini hoops set in his basement. Here’s a lesson for everyone. Don’t ever ever ever videotape yourself doing ANYTHING. It’ll end up on the internet if it’s embarassing enough.
Wayne Gretzky and Gordie Howe scored over 800 goals in their careers. Mario Lemieux had 690. Dallas Stars’ forward Patrick Stefan couldn’t get any closer to them last night despite literally having an open net a foot in front of him. In fact, the former top overall draft pick couldn’t be any farther away from those guys if he were traded to Ice Station Zebra. Or farther away from a 4-year-old midget player whose parents couldn’t afford the skating lessons. Seconds away from a 5-4 victory in Edmonton last night, Stefan made a nifty steal of the puck and had an empty net staring at him as he skated into the Oilers zone untouched. For some reason, he didn’t shoot the puck, instead skating all the way in. He then proceeded to miss the open net as the puck jumped off his stick. Then Stefan fell to the ice a la Happy Gilmore in hockey tryouts as the Oilers went the other way and tied the game on an Ales Hemsky goal. Remember, this guy was a number one overall draft pick!
Just think everybody; for a few seconds last night, you were not the worst hockey player in the world. That goes for everybody, even if you live on the Equator and have never heard of hockey, someone out there was worse at it than you were.
The Stars did bail Stefan out, however, by winning 6-5 in a shootout.
