The next time you’re taking in a sporting event and some loser with a microphone comes over and invites you to “play a game” on the field or court, don’t let your excitement get the best of you. They might offer you lavish prizes, but you must resist. And if they ever, and we mean ever, try to put a blindfold on you, just start running like a chicken with it’s head cut off. Of course, take the blindfold off first.
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[Awful Announcing]: Ashley Could…Go…All…The…Wait Ashley! Stop Ashley!!!
Get ready for a whole lot more of Mack Brown wearing burnt orange because it looks like the Longhorns head coach will be receiving a new contract for an additional 10 years later today. Brown has already put in a decade of work in Austin and is currently making about $2.6 million with an even $100,000 raise per year. This new deal should vault him up into the $3 million per year range. Not too shabby for a guy who used to have a bounty on his head because he couldn’t win the big games.
Vince Young should be receiving his thank you card in the mail any day now.
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[ESPN.com]: Source: Texas coach Brown to be extended through 2017
If you can make it to the world championships of anything then you’ve gotta be pretty darn good at your area of competition. So, we going to guess that nine times outta ten, Austrian steeplechaser Guenther Weidlinger makes it over those precarious hurdles on the course without even breaking a sweat. Luckily for us, the one time he didn’t make it over the top there were cameras in place to record the entire painful disaster.
Ya’ know, now that we think about it, we’re starting to think that ol’ Guenther might be the long lost cousin of this guy.
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[MSNBC]: Austrian smacks face into hurdle at worlds
There is absolutely no way on God’s green earth that anyone knows what a soccer player is going to do next. Heck, we don’t think that they even know what they are doing half the time. Sure, these guys know what to do when the ball is in play, but it’s the post goal celebrations that have us shaking our heads.
According to The Offside, this guy earned a $1,200 fine and a six-month suspension for his undie escapade. If that kind of revelry gets a fella six months then we’re figuring that this `jubilant’ soccer dude got a lifetime ban from the sport following his celebration.
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[The Offside]: Iranian Striker Celebrates Goal by taking off his Pants
If you thought that the Ranger faithful got excited about Wednesday night’s monumental 30-3 victory in which they rallied from a 3-0 hole, just wait until you get a load of Tim Kurkjian on Baseball Tonight. You can actually hear his inner prepubescent child cry out in elation.
Now, if we could just get Woody Paige to start showing a little on-air zaniness then we’d be set.
Apparently the Tiki Barber/Eli Manning feud has reached a point where the normally reserved Peyton Manning has decided to step up to the plate for his little bro. But Peyton didn’t let his sharp tongue sting only Barber as he decided to take a shot at virtually all former players who decide to join the media upon retirement.
Ex-players truly become ex-players right away, the No. 1 job is to criticize players,” said Peyton Manning, who had his ability to lead publicly questioned several years ago by the former Colts place-kicker Mike Vanderjagt. “I’m pretty defensive of all quarterbacks. Eli is my brother. I’m very loyal to my family. I’d rather you criticize me. I don’t think anybody knows what it’s like to be a quarterback except a current quarterback. Sometimes former quarterbacks forget what’s it’s like. You cannot play quarterback at any level — you’re in a leadership position. To do it for three years in high school, three years as a starter in college, taking your team to the playoffs — you are a leader and you’re a good leader.
Manning added: “It’s supposed to be a code, teammates to teammates. That’s the problem we’re going to have with ex-players going to the media. When I retire, I know what I don’t want to do.
Boy, are we relieved to hear that! We were so afraid that Peyton would waste his time in a studio with Chris Berman or Bob Costas after he hung `em up. Hopefully this means that he’ll be focusing on his acting career once his playing days are over.
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[NYTimes.com]: Manning Makes Strong Defense of Manning
If you thought that ESPN’s coverage of “Rock, Paper, Scissors” was completely ridiculous, just be happy that they didn’t bring you coverage of the World Finger Jousting Federation. We know it sounds completely stupid, but it actually exists and while we could explain the rules of the game to you, frankly, we’d be totally embarrassed to admit that we know `em. So, watch this and figure it out for yourself…if you can stop laughing at these idiots for taking themselves so seriously.
C’mon guys, this is pathetic! What’s next? Are you going to try and tell me that Ultimate Frisbee is a real sport too?!
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[Awful Announcing]: Introducing To The Masses…Finger Jousting
College football is almost here and we can’t wait until the whole pomp and circumstance of the game kicks off. Lee Corso donning the mascot head, the bands, tailgating, school songs; hell, we love the spectacle as much as the head-knocking and football spiking. But as the race for the national championship prepares for the opening leg, we gotta remember that the game is what it is because of the fans. Without them around, football just wouldn’t be the same.
GOOOOO RAIDERS!!!
Every single day the world of reality and the world of virtual reality blend a little more and with modern technology and creative ingenuity continually breaking new ground there has been an outcry for more interactivity in today’s video games. The Nintendo Wii is a perfect example as players can now experience 18 holes without ever leaving the comfort of their living room. But there is such a thing as being too realistic.
In Japan, 150 interactive arm wrestling games have been wreaking havoc on potential Lincoln Hawks as the mechanical arm that is used in the game has been actually breaking the arms of its human opponents. Three people had their bones snapped by the machine that simulates arm wrestling against various levels of opponents, such as a French maid, a pro wrestler, a sauced up martial arts master and a Chihuahua!
The Distributor Atlus Co. intends to remove the machines from local arcades and will check for malfunctions in the “Arm Spirit” game, but a spokeswoman for the company feels certain that the machine isn’t at fault for the injuries and basically calls the Japanese people puny weaklings.
Guess people are going to have to return to the old fashioned, non-virtual way of getting their arms busted:
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[CBS11TV.com]: Arm Wrestling Machine Recalled For Breaking Arms
When it comes to news about the NFL, ESPN is usually a pretty accurate channel to turn to. However, when it comes to the world of fantasy football, we’ve learned that it’s better to just skip out on the juggernaut’s advice or, at least, their fantasy draft specials.
Tonight at 6:30 CT, ESPN will be conducting their annual live fantasy draft and they’ve assembled another panel of boring “celebrity” blah to completely misguide you. This year’s drafters consist of the following ‘experts’: Cato June, Sean Salisbury, Mark Schlereth (aka Roc Hoover), Steve Young, Chris Mortensen, Michael Smith, Nick Bakay and Jerry O’Connell. Guess ESPN used up all their quality star connections in those stupid Who’s Now segments.
Listen, we know that most of these guys know their football, but that doesn’t mean they know their fantasy football. After all, Mortensen took Reggie Bush at No. 6 overall last year and Mike Ditka took the Bears defense in the fourth round! If that’s not pure homerism then we don’t know what is. And two years ago, Suzy Kolber dished out the worst advice in fantasy history when she took Brett Favre with her first pick! Sorry guys, but this crappy show just isn’t worth our valuable time or the 1.5% of our DVR’s memory that would be wasted to record it.
But now that we’ve mentioned lil’ Suzy, there’s no way we could not show her other career defining moment:
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[Awful Announcing]: ESPN “Celebrity” Fantasy Football League Filled With Big Names
