NFL General

How to please your man on Super Bowl Sunday

We stumbled upon this little press release today. And while we can’t actually disagree with any of it, we’d like to simplify it into two steps.

1. Give him oral.
2. Leave.

That’s it. Don’t pretend to want to watch the game. Don’t pretend you want to learn about something so “important in his life”. Prepare the food, oral, leave. This applies to every football Sunday but is even more important for the big game. Unless you were a bonafide football fanatic before you met him, just leave.

Here’s a tip ladies: guys might say they think a girl who loves football is awesome but they don’t really mean it. They just think if you actually liked football, you wouldn’t nag him all the time when he’s watching football with his buddies. Given the choice between not being able to watch football on Sundays and having to watch it with you, of course he’d rather watch it with you. But if he had his druthers, he’d prefer to watch it alone or with his buddies. You get about 344 days out of the year, is it so much to just leave him be for 17 weeks of regular season and 4 weeks of playoffs? That is the best advice we can give you. As the esteemed poet Nikki Sixx wrote, Girl, don’t go away mad…just go away.

MLB General

Jan 29 in Sports History: Inaugural Hall of Fame classes

In 1936: The first members of the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, NY were named. The first class to be inducted was Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, Walter Johnson, Christy Mathewson and Honus Wagner. While the term hall of fame was always used metaphorically, the Baseball Hall of Fame was the first of its kind in sports. Now, there’s a Bowling Hall of Fame (St. Louis), a Motorsports Hall of Fame (Talladega, AL), even a freaking Shuffleboard Hall of Fame (St. Petersburg, FL). Although, the selection process has been tweaked over the years, it still takes 75 percent of the vote from the Baseball Writers Association of America (BBWAA –  sounds more like a porn group on Myspace) to be enshrined.

In 1963: The first class of the Pro Football Hall of Fame was announced on the same day 27 years later. The list of inductees was much longer than baseball’s. It included Sammy Baugh, Jim Thorpe, Bronko Nagurski, Bert Bell, George Halas, Pete Henry, Cal Hubbard, George Preston Marshall, Johnny “Blood” McNally, Red Grange, Mel Hein, Ernie Nevers, Dutch Clark, Curly Lambeau, Don Hutson, Tim Mara and Joe Carr. Each member had to be inducted by a unanimous vote that year. The selection process has changed over the years, and the current voting only allows for three to six members to be enshrined every year.

In 1995: Another year, another NFC team destroying an AFC team in the Super Bowl (I’m telling you, it ruined my childhood). This time, Steve Young and the San Francisco 49ers did the honors by beating the 19-point underdog San Diego Chargers 49-26 (in one of the worst non-covers of all time). Young found Jerry Rice for a 44-yard touchdown on the game’s third play and went on to a record six touchdown passes. It was the eleventh straight win for the NFC, and the fifth Super Bowl in as many tries for San Francisco.

NFL General

Coors Light tells us what we already know

Tough choice

According to a survey sponsored by Coors Light, 44% of men spend more time on Super Bowl plans than Valentine’s Day plans. Seems reasonable. One you actually enjoy and the other is forced upon you by Hallmark. Here are some other highlights of this survey.

  • 30% would rather their team win the Superbowl than win a date with a supermodel, win a year’s supply of beer or win their fantasy football league for three years in a row. Who the hell needs a year’s supply of beer when you can have bragging rights for years to come when your team wins a Super Bowl? Although the date would the supermodel would be a toss up. She’d have to be really hot though.
  • 83% root for the underdog if their team isn’t in the Super Bowl. We root for the refs not to screw everything up.
  • Football fans rarely get off the couch during the game and when they do it is only to use the restroom (67 percent), get something to eat (55 percent) or get an ice cold beer (35 percent). Well, if you had this Lazy Boy Chair with fridge, you could totally cut down on down time. More if you buy some Depends.
  • 89% of men wish their wives would just shut the hell up during the game. OK, we made this up but we bet you it’s close to true.

[Business Wire]: New Survey Reveals Men’s Super Bowl Rituals

[Ben Maller]: Survey: Super Bowl bigger than Valentines day for men

Denver Broncos

Jan 25 in Sports History: Elways finally loses the *

In 1998: 11 years to the day they were beaten by the New York Giants, the Denver Broncos won their first Super Bowl with a thrilling 31-24 victory over the Green Bay Packers in San Diego. The win was quarterback John Elway’s first in four tries. Terrell Davis was named Super Bowl XXXII MVP with 157 yards and a record three rushing touchdowns, despite almost leaving the game in the first half with a severe migraine headache. The game was historic not only for Elway’s and Davis’ feats, but it was the first time an AFC team had won the big one in 13 years. It was also the last game that aired on NBC until this season, as CBS took over coverage for the American Conference starting in 1998. Sports Illustrated called it “the greatest Super Bowl ever,” and they were right (at least up to that point) as the game see-sawed back and forth and was not decided until the final minute.

Green Bay, a heavy favorite to repeat as champs, jumped out to a quick lead. Elway, always known to fold like a cheap tent in these situations, rallied the Broncos, and Davis dominated on the ground. Tied at 24 with under two minutes left, the Broncos were near the goal line. Then Packers’ Coach Mike Holmgren made one of the biggest bonehead moves in Super Bowl history. Instead of ordering a goal line stand, he had his defense “stand down” and let Davis score. The Packers were unable to convert a fourth down on the ensuing drive and the Broncos were champs. Just to make sure his hall of fame career was complete and people would forget his previous tank jobs, Elway led the Broncos to another Super Bowl win the following year.


Jan 22 in Sports History: Down goes Frazier!

In 1973: Heavyweight champion Joe Frazier lost the first fight of his professional career when he was knocked out by George Foreman in Kingston, Jamaica. It was also the first fight ever televised by a fledgling cable network called HBO. The fight is mostly remembered for commentator Howard Cosell’s stunned call, “Down goes Frazier! Down goes Frazier!” Frazier went down six times at the hands of Foreman in two rounds. Some boxing experts believe that Cosell’s famous call is what Frazier is unfortunately most remembered for. Frazier, it should be known, handed Muhammad Ali his first career defeat in 1971 and would go on to a career record of 32-4-1 with 27 knockouts.

You can watch the entire fight below but unfortunately the announcing is in German.

In 1984: In what had to be the lamest Super Bowl ever played, the Los Angeles Raiders defeated the Washington Redskins 38-9 in XVIII. It sucked on so many levels. First, the game was held in the party stronghold of Tampa, Florida at the old Sombrero. Second, Barry Manilow sang the national anthem. And of course, the game was awful, as the Raiders ran to a 21-3 halftime lead on a blocked punt for a touchdown. Then, the Redskins’ Joe Theismann threw the worst pass in NFL history. He tossed a little swing pass only to realize in horror that the closest receiver, Jack Squirek, was wearing silver and black. Squirek was so alone he could’ve done the Worm into the end zone. In the second half, Marcus Allen ran roughshod over the ‘Skins on the way to a then-record 191 yard performance, including a signature 74-yarder in which he changed direction about 236 times. No word if he celebrated by nailing another famous player’s wife.

In 2006: Kobe Bryant of the L.A. Lakers scored 81 points against the Toronto Raptors. It was the second-highest total ever scored in an NBA game behind Wilt Chamberlain’s 100 in 1962. Bryant had 26 in the first half, then exploded for 27 in the third and 28 in the fourth quarter. He “only” took 46 shots (he was also 18-20 from the foul line). Bryant’s performance did help the “lethargic” (his words) Lakers rally from an 18-point deficit to win the game 122-104. While it never touched Wilt’s performance 44 years ago (Chamberlain wasn’t able to chuck up threes every 5 seconds), it should be noted that Bryant scored 1.9 points per minute played to Wilt’s 1.6 because Bryant spent six minutes on the bench.

NFL General

Jan 17 in Sports History: 15-1 Vikings go down in the NFCCG

In 1999: Normally, a 14-2 team advancing to the Super Bowl wouldn’t shock anyone, but when the Atlanta Falcons faced the Minnesota Vikings in the NFC Championship game, few expected Atlanta to move on. The Vikings were, 15-1 and one of the most dominant regular season teams in recent memory. Minnesota, led by rookie Randy Moss and a rejuvenated Randall Cunningham rolled up a league-record 556 points and was rarely challenged. Still, the Falcons decided to take the field anyway as 11-point underdogs in the noisy Metrodome. The Vikings had a chance to ice it in the fourth quarter, but Gary Anderson missed a 38-yard field goal (his very first miss of the year) that would’ve put them up by 10. Instead of being down by 10 with 2:00 minutes left, the Falcons were able to force overtime with a Chris Chandler (who outgained Cunningham 340-266) to Terrance Mathis (who scored twice to Moss’ one TD) touchdown with :49 left. The Falcons defense bogged down the Vikings in overtime and Morten Andersen kicked the game-winner to send the “Dirty Birds” to the Super Bowl for the first time, where Eugene Robinson was arrested for propositioning a prositute and the Falcons were beaten by the Broncos. (For those who might not remember the Dirty Bird—, lucky you. It was cool like the Macarena was cool.)

In 1997: Normally getting kicked in your bag just nets a lot of pain and embarrassment. And chances are, you probably deserved it. But when Eugene Amos, an in-house photographer at Minnesota’s Target Center had the audacity to be in the way of a diving Dennis Rodman, his pain turned into a winning lottery ticket. Rodman, then a member of the Chicago Bulls, was scrambling for a loose ball, collided with a prone Amos under the basket and introduced himself Nike-first into Amos’ crotch. The NBA kicked Rodman harder, but in his wallet. He was fined $25,000 and was suspended for 11 games. Rodman also agreed to pay Amos $200,000. Since the suspension was without pay, Rodman cost himself over $1 million dollars and an infinite number of stupid points, even for him.

New York Jets

Jan 12 in Sports History: Broadway Joe’s Guarantee

In 1969: It might have been the most important victory in football history. It was the new, long-haired upstart vs. the old, crew-cut establishment. It was young, brash Joe Namath vs. the veteran, stoic Johnny Unitas (who, according to Abe Simpson, had “a haircut you could set your watch to”). The New York Jets, a 19-point underdog, faced the Baltimore Colts in Super Bowl III at the Orange Bowl in Miami. At a banquet a few days before the game, Namath grew tired of the press claiming how bad the Colts were going to make the Jets look. During a speech, someone mentioned it again, and Namath stopped and told him that the Jets would win, and he guaranteed it.

The game was very even statistically. The Jets only outgained the Colts by 13 yards. The difference was five Colts turnovers (four interceptions). The Jets jumped out to a 13-0 lead in the third quarter behind Namath and the running of Matt Snell, who had 121 yards and a touchdown. Namath was efficient, going 17 for 28 for 206 yards. Actually, Unitas only played in the second half, subbing for NFL MVP Earl Morrall, who had thrown three interceptions. The Colts did not score until there was 3:19 remaining, but the game was out of hand. In fact, Namath, who was named MVP, did not have to throw a single pass in the fourth quarter.

The Jets 16-7 victory, the first for the AFL in the Super Bowl, was monumental. Of course, it proved that the AFL was a quality football league that could compete with the NFL (the 14-point dog Chiefs proved it against next year by walloping the Vikings), but it also led to the merger of the two leagues in 1970, which is the beginning of the multi-kagillion dollar Empire/World Ruler/Big Brother it is today. Not only that, but if the Jets were to fail like everyone thought they would, it could have ended the AFL. Commissioner Pete Rozelle was considering at the time of scrapping the AFL-NFL format due to the blowouts in the first two Super Bowls and just letting NFL teams play in the Super Bowl. The Jets, thankfully, changed all that.

Chicago Bears

Dec 11 in Sports History: The Super Bowl Shuffle

In 1985: On the very same day in the very same city, the awesomeness of “The Super Bowl Shuffle” was unleashed by the Chicago Bears “Shufflin’ Crew” upon an unsuspecting football public. The horrible-but-so-hilariously-uncomfortable video was recorded by the 12-1 Bears the day after they lost their only game of the season, 38-24 in Miami. For those too young to remember, you missed solid gold raps like “My name is Sweetness, and I like to dance, runnin’ the ball is like makin’ romance” by the late/great Walter Payton, hall of famer and classy guy (I swear). Don’t forget William “The Refrigerator” Perry’s “You’re lookin’ at the Fridge (duh, we thought it was Matt Suey), I’m the rookie, I may be large but I’m no dumb cookie.” It went on like this. For almost six “thank God that wasn’t my dad” minutes.

Two questions, though. One, where was Ditka? And two, why didn’t Ditka stop this? Actually, it was made for charity, as they worked in “feed the needy.” Good thing they like, actually won the Super Bowl two months later. They might have looked dumb.

Also in 1985: The “New NHL,” you call it? That faint sound you hear is the 1980s Edmonton Oilers laughing their asses off. They could score more goals in one game than today’s teams can score in a week. They proved it on this day in 1985, when they defeated the Chicago Blackhawks 12-9 at old Chicago Stadium. The game tied a record for goals in a game with 21 and set a record for most points scored in a game with 63. Wayne Gretzky also tied his own record with 7 assists in the game. The Oilers scored double-digit goals six times that season Gretzky had more assists (163) than the next closest player had total points (Mario Lemieux with 141). His 215 points remain an NHL record.