Chicago Bears

Cedric Benson’s career capsizes on an Austin lake

The moment tears began rolling down his face after being selected fourth overall in the 2005 NFL Draft, the Bears faithful began getting a sinking sensation in their guts. After Sunday, Chicagoans probably think even the name “Adam `Pacman’ Jones” would have sounded better coming off the commissioner’s lips.

Benson was arrested on Saturday night on an Austin lake after he failed a sobriety test while driving a boat, then failed another sobriety test on solid ground, refused to put on a life jacket and then resisted arrest to the point where officers were forced to pepper-spray him while practically dragging him to the patrol car. If Benson was just half as motivated in uniform then he might have more than 1,593 yards and 10 touchdowns in three friggin’ years!

Of course, Cedric’s story is completely different despite the fact that about 15 other people were on the boat and none were arrested. Oh, and none of those friends have stepped forward to support Benson’s claims of police brutality. But it’s still worth a shot.

“I was not intoxicated. There was alcohol on the boat, and others were enjoying themselves, but I wasn’t drunk,” he said. …

The officer arrested Benson, who kept arguing and “continued to present himself as a threat,” the LCRA said. The officer then pepper-sprayed him.

Benson tells a much different story: “Even after they pepper-sprayed me, I have no idea why they did that. I was cooperative. I asked them several times why they did that, and they didn’t give me an answer.”

Once the boat docked, Benson refused to leave the LCRA boat, authorities said. An LCRA officer and Travis County sheriff’s deputies were “basically carrying/dragging him” to a car for transport to jail, the release said.

Again Benson gave a different account: “They kicked my feet out from under me and slammed my face down. They had a hose and were running it over my face. They were choking me and stuff, not with their hands but with the hose in my face. I couldn’t breathe. I don’t know if they did that because of the pepper spray, but I didn’t ask them to put the hose in my face.”

Benson said he declined a breath test once in custody on the advice of his lawyer, Brian Carney.

The former Longhorn has probably seen his last action in Chicago and he could spend up to six months in jail as a result of this little run-in with the law. A word of advice for the Kansas City Chiefs: Watch out for Jamaal Charles because in case you haven’t noticed, Texas running backs are a strange breed.


[]: Troubled waters
[]: Cedric Benson Arrested, Alleges Police Abuse

Chicago Bears

Tank Johnson not legally drunk but still legally an idiot

It turns out that Tank Johnson’s blood alcohol level was only .072 last week which is below Arizona’s legal limit of .08. So Tank won’t be going to jail for DUI but he still was released by the Bears who were embarrassed by his legal troubles.

Now, before anyone (NFLPA) gets their panties in a bunch over the Bears cutting Johnson for something that’s not technically illegal, remember that this guy was about a month removed from jail and decided to drink and drive. If he’d gotten in the car 30 minutes earlier or if he hadn’t eaten 162 beef sticks, 40 honey buns, and 35 summer sausage blocks while in prison, he’d probably have pushed past the .08 level and be back in jail.

The Bears did the right thing by cutting him. Who knows when he’ll decide to pick up a few illegal firearms and cause further embarrassment to his team. He can now go and be the Raiders’ or the Cardinals’ problem.

[Yahoo]: Tank Johnson under legal limit in DUI arrest

Chicago Bears

If it wasn’t for family, Tank Johnson wouldn’t have anyone

Family is suppose to be there for you through thick and thin, even if your name in Tank Johnson. And as unbelievable as it sounds, somebody out there has a soft spot in their hearts for the former Bear. Lucky for Tank, he’s got at least two people who are still on his side; his grandparents.

It hurts,” Johnson’s grandfather, Harvey Johnson, said. “When I read the paper about Tank Johnson, it really hurts

We’re hoping that he would get himself together, and if not… he’s got my prayers every day of the week,” Johnson’s grandmother, Alice Johnson said.

“I’d just like to see him go through this life with a better report than what he’s got,” she said.

And if jail and losing his job aren’t enough to convince Tank that he’s on a road to nowhere, then maybe a pep talk from gramps will do the trick.

I’d like to sit and talk with him,” Harvey Johnson said. “Give me a call. Let me talk to him.

Good luck with that. Unfortunately, we have a feeling that you’ll be talking to a brick wall.


[]: Tank Johnson’s Grandparents On His Career

Chicago Bears

Damn, Tommie! Not you too.

What is it with sports and big mouths? Chicago Bears D-lineman Tommie Harris has joined Kobe Bryant, Clinton Portis and Billy Donovan on the recent list of guys who are quick to retreat from their actions.

Harris was in Philadelphia last week to attend Donovan McNabb’s charity golf tournament when someone stuck a microphone in front of him and effortless got Harris to start blabbering about how desperately he wants McNabb to QB in Chicago; all the while, seemingly forgetting that Rex Grossman is currently serving that role after offensively navigating the Bears to the Super Bowl.

According to the Chicago Tribune, Harris said: “I’d love to have [McNabb] as my quarterback in Chicago . . . Hopefully, he comes here and helps the Chicago Bears win the Super Bowl . . . If he comes to Chicago, we’ll definitely win the Super Bowl . . . He’s my friend and I would like him to play on my team . . . I’d love him to play for the Bears.”

Harris then continued, ending with this: “Hopefully we get Donovan.

But, of course, Tommie was just kidding around and blames the whole thing on Donovan for egging him on.

I will be careful the next time I joke around,” Harris told reporters. “Donovan was behind the camera laughing. We were joking around and it escalated to more than what it was. I apologized to the rest of my team. I was very embarrassed with how much it blew up with the media. My team forgave me, so that’s all that matters.

Okay, we’re not buying the whole “joke” copout on this one, Tommie. But apparently Grossman is because he seemed to think it was all “not that big of a deal.” Still, we’re really getting sick of the backtracking that is going on in sports today and the lame excuses that these athletes think the public is gullible enough to believe. Give us a freaking break for once; either shut the hell up altogether until you have clearly thought about the possible ramifications of your comments or stick to your statements, if that is how you honestly feel. Quit wasting our time with B.S.; all it does is make you look completely foolish.


[]: Love for McNabb from Bears lineman, who quickly backpedals

Chicago Bears

Tank Johnson gets benched for half a season

After serving a 60-day jail sentence, Tank Johnson was released back into the outside world just a little fatter than when he went in. But NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell made sure that Johnson would lose some serious weight, and he focused primarily on the back, right pocket region of his ass.

Tank is about to be spending a lot more time with nothing much to do because the new sheriff in town doesn’t play no crazy games and he slapped Johnson with an eight-game suspension that’ll wind up costing him $225,000 in salary. However, Goodell left a small glimmer of hope for Johnson to strive for as he stated that the suspension could be reduced to six games if Tank could avoid getting in trouble with the law and begins attending counseling. And like the other perennial bad boys to step in front of the principal, Johnson took his lickings and responded with a “Yes, sir; may I have another, sir!” type of attitude.

Roger Goodell’s a fair man, I know that, and he took everything into consideration that he and I talked about. He came up with what he came up with. If it’s in the best interest of the N.F.L., then I’m all for it. He’s given me the opportunity to reduce it to six games, which I am very appreciative. I am looking at it like a six-game suspension, because I definitely am very confident that I’m capable of doing everything he’s asked me to do, and more.

In other words, in today’s NFL you do not want to cross the boss. And as fans, we’re loving every minute of this league being scared straight. The best part of all this is that Goodell is only warming up; just wait until we really get to see him unleash a serious hurtin’ bomb on Michael Vick and his alleged dog fighting turned dog slaughtering ways. We’re still petitioning that his punishment must somehow consist of a ferret and his crotch.


[]: Bears’ Johnson Is Third Player Suspended by the N.F.L.
[]: Bears DT Tank Johnson suspended for eight games

Chicago Bears

Tank Johnson isn’t a fruit and vegetables kind of guy

If you didn’t know, football players are some big freakin’ guys! And the linemen are even bigger! So, you can imagine how difficult it must be to keep a 6-foot-3, 300 pound monster of a man satisfied in the kitchen. Now just try to keep that same big boy from getting hungry while he’s locked up in jail and receiving slop and bologna sandwiches a couple times a day. We would guess that it’s damn near impossible but we don’t have to guess because Tank Johnson’s 60 day stint in the pokey has produced a calorie by calorie break down of exactly what kind of junk food it takes to satisfy a hungry giant.

While in jail, Johnson received three meals a day but also spent $665 on other goodies to get him through his cravings. Here are some of the highlights:

162 Beef Sticks

40 Honey Buns

35 Summer Sausage Blocks

35 Bags of Chips

9 Jalapeno Cheese Spreads

6 Cans of Refried Beans

Now if that’s not the diet of a pro athlete then nothing is! But, we were kind of shocked to hear all of this considering that our diets consist primarily of beef sticks and sausage. Wait, that came out all wrong. Anyways, after reading this we’re guessing that Johnson headed straight for the right field seats at Dodger Stadium as soon as he was released.


[]: Stay in jail not healthy for Tank

Chicago Bears

Odds and Ends: Chicago journalist finally realizes how awesome G-reg is

You remember Lovie Smith don’t you? He’s part of the historic duo of coaches who met in the Super Bowl last year. No, not cause they’re black but because they’re two good Christian Coaches. And with the league’s new emphasis on personal conduct, it shouldn’t come as any surprise that the Bears are drafting folks with high character. Take for example, Greg Olsen. Greg penned this little ditty about his views on women:

Chillin’ on the 7th flo’, I gotta let these chickens know
Big Greg is in the house, and I’m fittin’ to make these hoes choke
On my balls, on my dick, then I bust a nut, quick
On her face, on her chest, stick my dick between her breasts
Come on, fellas, let’s get weird, stick ya dick up in her ear
While I’m laughin’ at these guys, a second nut all in her eyes

What is this lady complaining about? That certainly isn’t any more offensive than JJ Redick’s poety and no one wrote an article about him. If you wanna hear the whole song, head on over to Flash Warner.

And in other news…

[Can’t Stop the Bleeding]: KTKR producer fired after the fake Iverson interview stunt

[WBRS]: Vlade Divac accused of selling counterfeit crap

[Inside Bay Area]: Barkley: “I’ve never been to Sausalito. They got a team over there?”

[]: Couple claims Josh Hancock was drunk off his ass day of accident and refused a cab

And finally, two random stories and a video. First, via Fark, comes a hilarious headline from WSOC TV:”Royals To Get A Taste Of Angels’ Colon”. That’s just wrong. Second, what the f is wrong with Boy George? And third, check out this hilarious video of members of Chelsea answering “who is the best looking person on your team?”

Chicago Bears

The hat that launched a $100,000 fine now on ebay

Last week, there was a lot of press about Brian Urlacher getting fined $100,000 by the league for promoting a company at the Super Bowl media day that wasn’t an official sponsor of the NFL. Urlacher was sporting a Vitamin Water hat during his interviews and the NFL honchos (as they should) had to crack down and fine him.

In addition to the NFL’s standard policy of donating fines to the United Way, the disciplinary measure will have another positive effect. Urlacher gave the hat to B96, a radio station in Chicago, and they gave it to a pregnant woman whose husband is currently in Afghanistan. She was originally going to send it to him over there but they decided to put he hat up on ebay to pay off some debts.

The current bid is at $9,500. That’ll pay a few bills.

[AOL Fanhouse]: Brian Urlacher’s Vitamin Water Hat on eBay

[ebay]: Authentic Brian Urlacher Vitaminwater Hat He Wore!

Chicago Bears

Devin Hester does his best Ozzy impression

Devin Hester might be the fastest man in Madden history but that doesn’t make him a good singer. But, like so many before him, Hester was asked to sing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” in front of the Cubbies crowd and, like so many before him, he fell flat on his face. Here’s the horrific proof that Hester definitely belongs on the field and not in a recording studio.

Chicago Bears

Devin Hester will get a perfect 100 rating in Madden 08

From our friends over at WBRS sports comes this little tidbit for all you Madden heads. Devin Hester will get a perfect 100 rating in the speed category in Madden 08. No one has ever gotten this before. Not DeAngelo Hall, not Michael Bennett, not Champ Bailey, not even Deion.

That’s just about the best thing you could have told me,” Hester said with a huge smile, when informed of his new Speed rating. “It’s an honor — I don’t know what to say, really.

Considering all the time that NFL players spend playing Madden, we’re sure he’s completely sincere. (It certainly beats being Ethan Albright.) Hester is probably hoping though that he doesn’t make the cover of Madden 08 so he can avoid the curse. Our money says that Peyton Manning will be on the new cover of ’08.

By the way, we found this great website of custom Madden covers that you can download and print. What a great way to jinx your most hated team.

[WBRS Sports]: As Fast As Tecmo Bo?