Tag: stupid

Categories
College Football

University of Arizona fan gets fried after pissing off the wrong cop


We understand that football has far surpassed baseball for the title of `America’s pastime’, but some people take their passion for the game a bit too far and end up paying for their fanaticism. Like this loser student from the University of Arizona who got so mad that the school had oversold the home opener against Northern Arizona on Saturday night that he assaulted an officer, took a couple zaps from a stun gun and then got thrown in jail. Now that’s school spirit.

Sgt. Eugene Mejia, a UA police spokesman, said one of those students had to be stunned after he assaulted an officer.

Mejia said the student was treated by medical personnel but became combative again and was stunned a second time.

Officers arrested the student on suspicion of aggravated assault on a police officer.

We can somewhat sympathize with the crazy kid’s situation, after all, he was all psyched up to see Arizona and Northern Arizona go at it. We personally wouldn’t have taken it that far for such a lousy game, but that’s just us. We typically refuse to take 10,000 volts for anything less than a match-up between two Top 25 teams.

Links:

[KVOA.com]: Police use stun gun on student turned away from football game

Categories
All Other Sports

Who’s up for some Groinball? (Yup, it’s basically what you think it is)

We make no secrets about it; we just love watching guys crumple in pain after a perfectly placed shot to the nuts. Then we found out that there is an entire sport dedicated to our passion. It’s called Groinball and it’s got rules and everything. At least the YouTube description says it does.

Groinball is a game with a rich tradition. It was invented by the Japanese shortly after the second world war, but stolen by the white man and brought back to America, where it was developed into the modern game we all love. Two teams of two compete in Groinball. Two opposition players face each other inside a box marked on the ground and place their hands on each others’ shoulders whilst their respective partners stand behind them. The object is for the players outside of the box to bounce tennis balls between their team mate’s legs so that they hit the opponent in the groin. The game is scored much like boxing in that points are given for hits (2X points for friendly fire) and the match ends after a pre-determined period or through a KO (defined as a player crumbling and hitting the floor).

And all these years we never realized that by trying to whack little Timmy from down the street in the package with a racquetball we were really on the verge of creating sport. With just a lil’ more innovation, we could have been these losers. Damn!

Categories
All Other Sports

This is why drug testing shouldn’t stop at the pro and collegiate levels

Take the movie Dodgeball, mix it up with Peyton Manning’s public service announcement and throw in a pair of losers who almost take themselves as seriously as finger jousters and what do you get? Unfortunately, you get this:

Well? Are you ready for some kickball!!!!!

Categories
All Other Sports

Who knew that acting like a wild monkey was considered sport?

For those of you who don’t know what parkour is, it’s basically hauling ass around your local environment and running, jumping, spinning, rolling, flipping, sliding, climbing and bouncing on anything and everything you can get your hands or feet to stick to. When it’s done correctly it can be some of the most jaw dropping, mind boggling acrobatics you’ve ever seen in your life. But when it is performed by a bunch of pimple faced finger jousters then this is what you get:

Eh, one less finger jouster isn’t such a bad thing.

Categories
Dallas Cowboys

Terrell Owens does his best Stephon Marbury imitation


Sure, Terrell Owens is fun to watch play; after all, you never know if he’s going to blow up for 150 yards and a trio of TDs or just plain blow up on an assistant coach. But we really love listening to TO yap about football. Yup, we just loves us some TO.

Owens even delved into the taboo topic of dogfighting, saying he attended one “when I was younger.”

“Being from the South, that’s something that’s very prevalent in that area,” he said.

Later, he compared dogfighting to hunting deer: “They cut their heads off and they go to mount them on the wall. And they are animals as well. I don’t see a big difference in the situation.

Wait, did say that we loves us some TO? That was when he was saying things like “Get your popcorn ready with a little extra butter” and “Like my boy tells me; if it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, by golly, it is a rat.” Hold up, so you mean to tell us that Owens is actually a lunatic?! Oh, snap!

When I say it’s a cultural situation, I’m not trying to bring a racial barrier into it. If anyone wants to dig that up, I will dispel that. I don’t condone Michael Vick’s actions with the dogfighting. I’ve been exposed to it and it’s something that’s very unfortunate for Mike. I think he’ll learn from this situation and move on from it.

Hmm, sounds like someone else has just joined the Clinton Portis School of Public Speaking.

And in other news from planet Owens, it sounds like TO and Donovan McNabb have finally moved on which means that we can all happily move on from a relationship that officially ended years ago.

“I did what I had to do when I saw Donovan. I apologized,” Owens said before Dallas practiced Wednesday. “Donovan is a good guy. I missed him. I missed the times that we had. Donovan is a good guy. He is a good friend. There were some things that happened. I do regret some of the things that happened. If I could go back and change some of the things then I would.”

McNabb said the two could’ve had “something special” if they played together longer than 1½ years.

“Unfortunately, it didn’t go in that direction,” McNabb said. “We’ve talked it out and communicated when we had the opportunity to, and kind of put it behind us. That’s the past, and we’re just focusing on what we have to do with our given teams right now.

Thank goodness for that. Now if we could just get Britney and Justin to kiss and make up we’d be set.

Links:

[MSNBC]: T.O. compares dogfighting to hunting deer
[MSNBC]: McNabb says he, T.O. have `talked it out’

Categories
College Football

Appalachian State has spirit, yes they do! ASU has spirit, how `bout you!

It’s Tuesday and after two full days of letting it sink in, you probably still can’t believe that Appalachian State knocked off No. 5 Michigan in the Big House on opening day. Well, believe it, it actually happened. A lot of people are even calling it the biggest upset in college football history. For a while we were kinda leaning in that direction, but then we remembered that while ASU might not even be on the same stratosphere as the major U’s like Michigan when it comes to recruiting, they are one thing that big time programs aren’t: Appalachian is Hot Hot Hot!

Gooooooo `Neers!! Lenoir-Rhyne should be a cakewalk after sending thousands of Wolverines fans to seek the comfort of a dark closet and a bottle of whiskey until the end of the three day weekend forced them to face the cold, cruel world. Sorry Big Blue, but it is gonna be a long and painful season regardless of how the remainder of your schedule goes. After all, the win in Ann Arbor sent Mountaineer fans to tear down their own goal posts at Kidd Brewer Stadium in Boone, N.C.! It’s pretty tough to put something like that outta your memory.

Categories
NFL General

NFL stars are not the most talented Simon Says players out there

We don’t know about you, but we haven’t played Simon Says in a long, long, long time. So, we were pretty shocked to see that someone over the age of five could even bring themselves to play the stupid game. And we were really taken back when we saw that for some strange reason NFL players would subject themselves to this nonsensical torture. But, you could have knocked us over with a feather once we realized that Simon was in fact an 8-year-old Danny Pintauro look alike that had a fetish for putting L.L. Cool J and Jason Taylor in some rather uncomfortable positions.

“He knows game face! L.L. knows game face!”

Links:

[Awful Announcing]: Who Wants To Watch A Video Of NFL Players Playing Simon Says?

Categories
Sacramento Kings

Ron Artest wants to be Michael Vick’s Big Brother


You know that your world is going to hell in a hand basket when Ron Artest wants to be the person to help you turn things around. Well, guess what? Michael Vick’s world is already reaching the bubbling depths of eternal fire and despair and, you got it, Ron Ron wants to be the one to pull Vick out and help him better understand that God fella he’s supposedly found overnight.

I want to call him and support him, you know, be there for him,” Artest said. “(He) lied and then came back and apologized to everybody, I felt that was classy. … I was touched that he took full responsibility. I felt that was a real man. I know for a fact he’ll come out a better person.

I think athletes just gotta be more aware,” he said. “At times things happen so fast in your life, you just stay living that same lifestyle. You can’t do it no more. I just hope people can take the mistakes I made, mistakes other people are making and just learn from them.

Listen, Artest, you can’t even learn from your own mistakes, how are you expecting Vick to learn from `em? That’s like asking Mike Tyson to help you through your domestic abuse incident. And that, my friend, would be simply inconceivable.

Links:

[MSNBC.com]: Role model? Artest wants to help support Vick

Categories
Cleveland Browns

Brady Quinn’s hair gets more attention than you ever have


Brady Quinn has only been in the NFL for a few short months now, but people just can’t seem to get enough of this guy. In fact, when Quinn chopped off his locks before taking the field against the Broncos on Saturday, it became a bigger story than Travis Henry’s unparalleled addiction to baby mommas. So, of course, the local paper, The Plain Dealer, ran a poll to find out if the populace prefers their Quinn with or without a mop top. Of the 1,689 pathetic losers to respond to the question, 61.5% liked the Shaggy hairdo more than the rookie hazing shave job. But who really gives a flip about whether Clevelandites like Quinn’s hair style when it turns out that there was really a whole lot more to the story.

According to Lionel295, this was no rookie hazing at all:

With all the intense media coverage how come they blew the story? Brady’s head was shaved because he had lice.

OMG, please spread the word of this infestation to anyone who has shared a comb with Quinn. Without proper quarantining this could spread faster and further than the Derek Jeter herpes epidemic!

However, we’d be remiss to leave out wwocean’s thought provoking input on this matter:

You know, I think the new Brady kind of looks like Matt Dillon. Let’s just hope his career goes a little better.

Links:

[Cleveland.com]: The results are in! What do you think of Brady Quinn’s hair?

Categories
All Other Sports

The godfather of finger jousting has absolutely no life


Dear Sports Column:

I must say that I enjoy your tactics of passive-aggression. Instead of replying with an equally witty and derisive reply or at least the common “don’t worry about it” approach, you post the email in a blog entry and attempt to deride the organization in order to gain readership. I would have guessed that you would have taken this approach, but I assumed as the editor, you were of a higher class than the writer (rather than one-in-the-same). Excluding the fact, that your new entry was highly amateurish and of the literary level I would expect from an 8th Grader, it was actually quite humorous at some points. The humor did not extend, however, into the title of the entry or the caption under that entirely too old image of me; the middle finger/finger jousting comparison has been around longer than the amount of time you last were in contact with a person of the opposite gender,
and the rhyming of a profanity with Gluck is equally as old considering it has been used by drill instructors in the military with members of my family for generations, and I used a portmanteau and satire of the like sounds in my campaign for class president (I didn’t run on a finger jousting platform, though I am sure you guys would have gotten a kick out of that, and I did win).

Blabbering fool with a dull tongue? I actually thought the allusions were quite amusing like a Dennis Miller sketch but with apropos verbosity in accordance with your level of education (or so I inferred from the diction and syntax of your articles). That all was just to have some fun and nothing truly offensive; it was too corny to
be, and I was just pointing out that your article could have at least taken a neutral position instead of a poor commentarial one. Splicing up my letter to suit your purposes though was a little under-handed and what about “the ability to stop the war in Iraq?” What bearing do your political policies have in relation to this topic? Your article is full of more ad hominem, ad ignorantiam, and attempts to change the subject than an attorney’s cross-examination.

I do however appreciate your statement that “everybody needs something to believe in, regardless of how ridiculous it is” and at least giving it some value as “thumb wrestling 2.0.” I do believe it has a higher value and substance than your journalism since journalism is displaying already created or occurred content to the masses, and this is original in itself. What’s more amazing is that you posted this and put it on the blog’s homepage; there must be very little going on in the sports world today, or you guys are fresh out of anything interesting;
maybe you just didn’t score that interview with Barry Bonds? Any real sports journalism website would either have not even bothered to send back a reply or just sent a “you are lame” email instead of trying to make a giant news story out of it. Heck, I haven’t even mentioned this on our website. What would the title be anyways: “Asinine Amateur Sports Blog Poorly Derides Finger Jousting.” I am pretty sure our readers would just laugh at your article as garrulous garbage; the other games you mentioned are pretty laughable but ultimate Frisbee is a growing sport, and you had some backlash by players in your article on it. Seriously though, by posting it up there, you really are only helping us out by garnering more hits to our site and really “all press is good press.”

Do I consider myself a humanitarian? Of course, I do not. I try my best to help out my fellow man through service in the Air Force Auxiliary, state house of representatives, school, and community service (as well as other members of the Federation do as well)-and through the slice of revenue sent by the WFJF to help out these causes rather than paying for items I could use-but I am no humanitarian. I wish I could send you the picture of the child with muscular dystrophy that we helped out this year though. It is some pretty powerful imagery. Thank you for your time and may the joust be with you!

Cordially,
Julian R. Gluck
The Lord of the Joust
President of the WFJF
www.FingerJoust.com

Sportscolumn Translation: “My name is Julian Gluck. I finger joust with other men and I have never touched a woman.”