NBA General

Around the Rim: Dishing Out a Different Kind of Rock

Long term contract

1. Happy Housewife
You might as well get his finger size now because this summer Tony Parker will receive his third ring since becoming a Spur. And he doesn’t even have to win the NBA Finals to get it. That’s because the guard will be marrying his long time girlfriend and Desperate Housewives hottie, Eva Longoria. While Parker is referred to as the student in the relationship’s more intimate of moments, he certainly taught the world how to properly squash a rumor. Not too long ago, these two were reportedly done with one another. Now, after two years of dating, it looks like Parker has finally learned the importance of having a good teacher.

2. Not Up His Alley
Allen Iverson failed to make a team function on Wednesday at, of all places, a bowling alley. Understandable, considering his history of bowling brawls. It’s not clear as to why Iverson failed to show but Maurice Cheeks said that he will be fined accordingly. If I had to guess, he probably didn’’t want to wear those hideous, thirty year-old shoes infested with foot fungus that have grown so powerful they are immune to the alley’s heralded “sterilizing” Lysol bath. Sure he upset a few fans and a few sponsors by not showing up, but in the end, what are we talking about? We talking about bowling, man. I mean, how silly is that?

3. All in a Quarters Work
Wow, Kobe Bryant did it again. Everybody knows that he can go off and any moment; last night he proved why you can never take your eyes off of him, not even for a quarter. The defensive minded Jazz got torched by Bryant for 52, including 30 in the third quarter alone. That’s a ridiculous total when you consider that only three players in the entire league average 30 for a full game. In the third, Bryant was nine of nine from the floor and ten of ten from the free throw line. The entire repertoire was on display last night; powerful slashing dunks, fade away jumpers, outside set shots, driving pull-ups, it was all there. While Kobe has serious competition for the title of best overall player in the league, there is no question that he is the NBA’s most explosive scorer.

Thursday’s Player of the Day: Kobe Bryant vs. Utah Jazz 34 min, 52 pts (FG: 19-26, 3FG: 2-3, FT: 12-15), 4 reb, 3 ast, 1 blk

Friday’s Game to Watch: Sacrament (8-5) @ Dallas (11-4) Somebody has to beat Dallas eventually, right? The Mavericks have ripped off 11 straight victories after losing the first four games of the year. The Kings are on a winning streak of their own, although it’s not as impressive. After dropping three in a row to some tough competition, including San Antonio and Utah, Sac-Town has won three straight and could use a victory over an elite team to gain some serious confidence. Despite leaving the last game early because of blurred vision and then missing the following practice, Dirk Nowitzki is expected to start.

Buzzer Beater: Bozi Wells has consistently been an inconsistent player and a volatile element everywhere he has gone. Controversy has followed him throughout his career and now, Houston has to deal with his shenanigans. Apparently, Wells is simply too out of shape to get any playing time. Not injured, just fat. As a third option on the Rockets, this was Wells best opportunity to have an important role and be on a winning team, but he can’t even get conditioned well enough to set foot on the floor. Wells has always been conceded and selfish but now his raw talent can’t overshadow his behavior. What an embarrassment.

New York Yankees

Why must Derek Jeter ruin Jessica Biel?

If you took a poll of 1000 random men, 995 of them would have Jessica Biel somewhere in their top 5. (Those that don’t are likely… how do you say mens who go bang bang bang in another men’s anus?) In any case, Jessica Biel is definitely a woman we love and the rumors linking her to Derek Jeter are definitely disheartening. (We thought we had a chance!)

From Page Six:

DEREK Jeter has a new babe. The Yankee shortstop went out in L.A. Tuesday night with his new squeeze, Jessica Biel . According to our spy, the couple were huddled in a corner of hot club Hyde, “laughing and giggling together.” At one point, Jessica, voted Esquire’s “sexiest woman alive” in 2005, went to the restroom and three girls quickly scurried over to chat with Jeter. But as soon as Biel returned, he put all his attention on her. The two left together. A Biel rep didn’t return calls.

Well, all things considered, Derek Jeter nailing Jessica Biel isn’t as bad as when Tom Cruise absolutely ruined Katie Holmes, even if he does play for the hated Yankees. After all, Scarlett Johannson came out relatively unscatched. Still, we hate Derek Jeter. But this is much better than the Tony Romo – JoeJessica Simpson rumors.

Philadelphia 76ers

Allen Iverson plays all 48 minutes

In a new autobiography, Carmen Bryan, the Pamela Des Barres of hip hop (Jay-Z and Nas), reveals that Allen Iverson was the best she ever had in bed. You can go read the sordid details at the NY Post but we couldn’t help but imagine an exchange between AI and Carmen:

I mean listen, we sitting here talking about foreplay, not sex, not sex, not sex, but we talking about foreplay. Not sex that I go out there and die for and have sex like it’s my last but we’re talking about foreplay man. How silly is that?

Now I know that I’m supposed to lead by example and all that but I’m not shoving that aside like it don’t mean anything. I know it’s important, I honestly do but we’re talking about foreplay. We’re talking about foreplay man. We’re talking about foreplay. We’re talking about foreplay. We’re not talking about sex. We’re talking about foreplay. When you come to the bedroom, and you see me play, you’ve seen me play right, you’ve seen me give everything I’ve got, but we’re talking about foreplay right now!

[The Big Lead]: Allen Iverson, the NBA’s Pablo Neruda (More Romance, Less Writing)

[The 700 Level]: Rumored Tale of Iverson with Nas’ Woman

Dallas Cowboys

Matt Leinart needs to save us

Where are you Matt? You become a father and all of the sudden you’re too good to make headlines banging a starlet or two? (And in the Paris Hilton case, starlet is a real stretch.) We’ve been reduced to rumors about Tony Romo going on a date with Jessica Simpson — which is based solely on his MNF getting to know Tony Romo segment where he lists Jessica Simpson as his celebrity crush.

It’s pretty interesting how these rumors get started. Bob Sturm from Dallas’ The Ticket 1310AM republishes an email from a reader and all of the sudden, he is linked to a “source” that says Romo and Simpson went on a date. Kind of like how the rumor got started that Chris Pronger got a television reporter pregant and had to move out of Edmonton. Is that how easy it is to start a rumor? He’s a rumor for you: Jessica Simpson looks like a man. Or is that kind of just an opinion? We never understood the fascination with JS. Yeah, she’s got huge cans but if you wanted to look at a man face with huge cans, there’s always Bill Parcells, who’d be a lot more fun to talk to. Here’s a pic of Simpson with her new colagen lips.

Speaking of Matt Leinart, ever since his breakout game vs the Bears on MNF, he’s thrown 5 INTs and only 1 TD.

[The Big Lead]: Checking in on Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson

Dallas Cowboys

Odds and Ends: TO powderkeg temporarily defused

Dude, I had the curry!

Like they say, winning is the best defuser. (Or was that deodorant?) In any case, a weekend that had the potential for being the one in which Owens blew up quickly turned into a lovefest as the Cowboys got to take on the Texans at home. It was coming folks. After a report that TO got into a verbal altercation with his wide receivers coach Todd Haley because he was late to practice with stomach problems, an upset by the Texans would have sent everyone over the edge. Jerry Jones was quoted as saying that Haley would be disciplined for his part in the argument. TO said the relationship was ruined. Drew Bledsoe stinks on ice. Three ingredients for a meltdown. Instead, a 3 TD performance by the player resulted in hugs for the wide receiver coach, TO being a good teammate and now the Cowboys are denying any discipline for Haley. So for those of you in the Terrell Owens Meltdown Pool, week 6 wasn’t it. It’s coming though. It’s coming.

In other news…

[]: Stephen Jackson says he was only defending teammates

[BBC Sport]: Baseball’s steroids problem so rampant, it’s now affecting cricket

[STLToday]: Hell, even chess players are cheating now

[People]: Thank goodness, what would we do without more shots of Eva Longoria in the stands

[The Hater Nation]: Ed Hocholi makes Scott Linehan look foolish

[Phillies Nation]: A-Rod to the Phillies is a recipe for suicide watch

[The Pink Seats]: Bet the over on # of athletes bagged by Paris Hilton

Colorado Avalanche

Let’s Play: Which STD did Jose Theodore get from Paris Hilton?

Ahhhh Paris Hilton, ruining yet another life. This time, an NHL star. We believe this is the first time Paris has hooked up with a hockey player but when you make the rounds like she does, it’s only a matter of time.

Jose Theodore, who may or may not be balding or on steroids, was spotted holding hands and er… canoodling.. with Paris Hilton at a Toronto awards ceremony. Of course, anytime Paris gets a new man (so every 24 hours), the paparazzi are all over it and photos were in the press. His girlfriend/baby momma was none too pleased to find out about his affair and kicked him out of the house, ending their eight year relationship.

Good going Jose. You’ve been booted by your girlfriend who you recently had a daughter with and now you’re on your way to Colorado while they stay in Montreal. On top of that, you probably should get checked out at the local clinic for Herpes Simplex Ten. May we suggest using the name ‘Renard Montreal”?

[Toronto Star]: Theodore shut out by girlfriend
[CTV]: Theodore dumped over apparent Hilton tryst: report

Chicago Cubs

Ari Gold tells Cubs fans to hug it out

Jeremy Piven is a longtime Cubs fan so he was asked to sing “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” before Sunday’s game against the Tigers. Before he did so, he yelled out “Hey Cubs fans, let’s hug it out, you little bitches!” The Cubs were not pleased. Well, they actually were pleased but they had to pretend they weren’t and issue an apology for the profanity during the 7th inning stretch.

Either Jeremy Piven has got a little bit of Ari Gold in him or he’s a great comic actor. Ari has got to be the best character on TV right now. In honor of this…um… momentous occasion, here is the best of Ari Gold.

– Is that the way they drive in Tiananmen Square, bitch?

-Just so you know, your girlfriend, when she was in the mailroom, offered to blow me. True story.

-You know what they feed people on an indie set, Vinnie? Nothing! They don’t give you a trailer. They tell you to go sit on an apple box. Ever try to bang an extra on an apple box?

-I’m ready to go here, all right? It’s like R. Kelly at recess.

-Got Milf?

-All right, when you talk to Dana, tell her I’m going to take the pictures from Cancun, and start a website called and there will be no password or fee required, and I will take out a full page ad in the LA Times promoting it. Give me a fucking call back.

– Listen, Lloyd, I want you to put all my files, folders, binders, *everything* into a box! If you find a used condom, an executioner’s mask, and a fucking spike paddle, don’t think, just pack that bitch! Chop suey!

– I drove to work in an $80,000 Mercedes, and Im going home in a prop car from the fast and the furious, I just dont see it Lloyd.

-That was a good speech, Lloyd. If I was 25 and liked cock, we could be something.


[WGN]: Video of Jeremy Piven singing the 7th inning stretch
[Chicago Tribune]: No hugs for Piven at Wrigley

General Sports

The top celebrity fans

There is nothing more deplorable than bandwagon fans (e.g. 95% of Cowboys fans), which is why Jack Nicholson topping this list of celebrity fans from ESPN is particularly despicable.

Nicholson is a fraud who was born and raised in New York City. He should be rooting for the Knicks yet he is the major celebrity face in a town where the only reason celebrities go to games is to be seen. The Lakers getting knocked out of the playoffs early saved us from watching Jim Gray fellate Jack Nicholson at every break.

Before we continue, here is a little rant on bandwagon fans. There is absolutely no reason why anyone should root for a team other than the one that’s closest to their geographic area. So for example, if you were raised in Philly and root for the Dolphins, you should be shot. But if live in Topeka, KS, you should be able to root for any team within driving distance. Bandwagon fans should be rounded up and beaten.

However, there are a few exceptions to this rule.

  1. Your father is a die-hard ____ fan and is passing it down.
  2. If you move somewhere as a kid, you are allowed to adopt the team of your new city.
  3. If you move somewhere as an adult, you can start rooting for a team with no divisional/conference/league if they are absolutely terrible. (The Billy Crystal rule.)
  4. If your team moves to another city, you are allowed to make a decision on whether to continue to root for that team or wait till your city gets a team again. (e.g. Baltimore Colts / Ravens)
  5. Your favorite player gets traded away and your old team is now dead to you. (Allowed 1 per lifetime.)

Now… back to the celebrities list. Surprisingly, a lot of celebrities have good ties to their teams of choice. Here are some of our favorites:

#2 Spike Lee: Spike is often thought of as the Jack of the East Coast but he was raised in NYC and is a staple at Knicks games even during the past few years while Isiah Thomas ruined the team so he is OK by us.
#5 Ashley Judd: Judd is hot and is a Kentuckian who loves her Wildcats. And we love her.
#8 Billy Crystal: His movies may no longer be funny but Billy gets our vote because he had season tickets to the Clippers when they were the worst team on the planet.
#19 Jerry Seinfeld: Jerry should be higher on this list. As a matter of fact, he probably should be #1. Not only is he a NY native, he calls into sports radio to discuss the Mets.
#21 Drew Carey: No one represents Cleveland like Drew Carey. He set his TV show in a city no one else would and had numerous references to the Browns and Indians.
#25 Will Smith: Big Willy Style grew up in Overbrook (also the name of his production company) and was representing the Eagles, Sixers, and Phillies as far back as his Fresh Prince of Bel-Air days.
#27 Matthew McConaughey: That’s what he loves about these University of Texas girls, man. He gets older, they stay the same age.
#48 Darius Rucker: Made one of the dumbest videos ever where the band played catch with Dan Marino. It had nothing to do with the song. Then we thought about it and realized that if you’re gonna make a shitty video, at least get the chance to play catch with Dan Marino.

Phoenix Suns

Two straight MVP trophies gets you… Nelly Furtado?

According to the New York Post, Nasty Nash is getting it on with Nelly Furtado. (You know, the chick who absolutely ruined the Missy Elliot song Get Ur Freak On. A remix/collaboration that will go down as the worst in music history.)

CUPID may have slam-dunked Nelly Furtado into the love net of Phoenix Suns point guard Steve Nash. In her new song “Promiscuous,” Furtado fawns over the 6-foot-3 court hunk, singing, “Is that the truth or are you talkin’ trash, is your game MVP like Steve Nash?” Toronto columnist Shinan Govani says the pair appear to be sizzling off-court ever since hitting it off when Furtado performed at Nash’s charity event in Canada last summer. But her rep says, “110 percent not true.”

First off, who writes this shit for the NY Post? Second, with his greasy hair and overall dirty vibe, it’s hard to believe someone actually called Steve Nash a “hunk”. It’s also hard to believe that somehow he’s hooking up with Nelly Furtado. Sure, she hasn’t had a hit single since the mid-90s but she’s pretty damn hot. Still, she’s no Eva Longoria. Tony Parker 1, Steve Nash 0.

Arizona Cardinals

Now is SI calling Nick Lachey or Matt Leinart a douche?

Who is the douche?

It’s not often that a national website will come out and call someone a douche so it’s rather surprising that included this photo of Matt Leinart and Nick Lachey with the filename “douche.jpg”. Was this photo labeled before or after the news that he might have nailed Paris Hilton? Cause then the filename antiobiotics.jpg is more in order.

(Thanks to the folks at Fark who have way too much time on their hands.)