Colorado Rockies

Stephen Horner is such a cock block

Apparently Stephen Horner isn’t single and on the prowl. How do we know? Well, Horner is single-handedly trying to destroy the very thing that helps unhitched dudes become uncontrollably gitty and simultaneously sucks their wallets completely void of cash. Of course, we’re talking about “Ladies Night.”

Horner went to a Colorado Rockies game last year and came across some people handing out free coupons for “Ladies Night” meaning women could get into Coors Field for free at a future game. As you would expect, Horner wanted one and was denied because, well, he has a penis and is clearly not a woman. And as you would expect, Horner started crying like a two-year-old.

Horner says he was upset and took the issue up the management chain. “I felt like I got a bad deal. My rights were genuinely denied,” he said.

Here’s where things go goofy. Horner filed a gender discrimination claim and the `man’ ruled in his favor!

The director issued a Probable Cause determination and ordered the two sides to go through mediation. v The Rockies claim it was their intent to offer the vouchers to anyone who asked for them.

The Rockies can appeal the decision. Their spokesperson says it is premature to comment on the decision or if the Rockies will discontinue the promotion.

Horner better not be listed in the white pages because if the Rockies or any other establishment does away with “Ladies Night” because of his whining, his crib is defiantly getting T.P.’d. Shhh, you didn’t hear it from us.


[]: Man Fights Ladies’ Nights at Coors Fields

Colorado Rockies

Hey, Colorado! You didn’t think ol’ Dave was gonna let you off the hook, did ya?

Hey, the Rockies had a great run. Nobody expected them to make it into the World Series, but they did. And nobody expected them to get swept out after such an incredible run leading up to the big showdown with the Red Sox, but they did. So, for all you Colorado fans out there, here are some suggestions from David Letterman on what to say the next time someone tries to give you grief over getting broomed.

Top 10 Colorado Rockies Excuses

10. “Even we’ve never heard of most of our players.”

9. “Didn’t want Game 5 to preempt `House'”

8. “Relax, there’s still a lot of baseball to be played.”

7. “The Curse of the Bambino.”

6. “At that altitude, the beer really knocks you on your ass.”

5. “No number 5 — writer preparing to go on strike.”

4. “Turns out our `flaxseed oil’ really was flaxseed oil”

3. “O.J. stole the equipment!”

2. “Manager distracted by Joe Torre walking around with his resume.”

1. “Forget us — somebody want to explain the Jets?”


[SOX & Dawgs]: Top 10 Colorado Rockies Excuses

Colorado Rockies

Hey, Red Sox fans, how do you feel about your opponents in the Series?

If there’s anything we’ve learned from our years of watching sports, it’s that it doesn’t really matter how hard you root for your team. What’s really important is how hard you root against the other guys.

So, before all you Red Sox fans start loading up on AL Champions t-shirts, you might want to divert some of those funds into your anti-Rockies gear. Jerseys, ringers, tank tops, tees, caps, coffee mugs: if you really want to cheer your boys to a ring then this is what you need. It’s simple, straight to the point and it sums up the feelings of an entire population.

You know, we thought that this was a pretty innovative idea until we started surfing around the site and realized that there’s a friggin’ t-shirt with every slogan imaginable. So, for all you Rockies fans out there, take solace in knowing that are plenty of shirts that bash the Sox in every way imaginable. Some of our favorites:

Buck Foston

Curse? You just sucked for 86 years.


I would rather my sister be a prostitute then for her to be a RED SOX fan


[SawxBlog]: Get Your Rockies Suck T-Shirts Just in Time for the 2007 World Series!

Colorado Rockies

If you like Mexican food and have a World Series ticket then we just might have a deal for you

Now that we know who the participants in the World Series are, the only question left is how the heck are getting into a game? Well, if we were the owner of a hole-in-the-wall Mexican food restaurant in Colorado then we’d offer up all the burritos and tacos we could spare. Kinda like this guy.

Ben Martinez is a huge Rockies fan and the owner of El Jardin Mexican restaurant in Commerce City, but he doesn’t want to pay scalper prices for tickets. So he’s making an offer for two free meals a week for one year at his restaurant for anyone who gives him two tickets to any of the games at Coors Field. Martinez said it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity.

Two meals a week for a year at El Jardin or tickets to the biggest baseball event of the year? Hmmm, tough choice. We guessing that anyone with WS tickets is probably going to choose to spend a whopping $10.47 for a years worth of Taco Bell and keep the stubs instead of forking `em over to you and getting a clockwork case of Montezuma’s revenge for next 48 weeks.

Listen, man; if you want to go to the World Series then you’ve got to show more desire then just unloading a bunch of chips and salsa. That just isn’t going to cut it. Dare we say it; if you want to go see your precious Rockies then you’re going to have to go all out and pay Dr. Steve-O a visit.

Take a sledge hammer to the package or light your head on fire and then we’ll talk.


[]: Restaurant Owner Offers Free Meals For Rox Tix

Colorado Rockies

Denver TV station’s idea of news is painting plaster purple

Finding quality human interest stories can be tough and when you try prefabricating them around a specific subject then it becomes even more difficult. However, this Denver news station obviously scraped the bottom of the barrel clean long ago if this is the best Rockies related tidbit they could come up with.

Breaking your arm is never fun. But for 7-year-old Daniel Brockman, it couldn’t have come at a better time.

Daniel was playing basketball Monday night when he fell and broke his arm in several places. After surgery at Presbyterian/St. Luke’s Medical Center, Dr. Laurel Benson asked him what kind of cast he wanted.

She offered him casts featuring superheroes like Batman and Spiderman, but Daniel didn’t seem interested. Then his dad said she said the magic words. She offered him a Rockies cast.

“His eyes lit up,” dad Mark Brockman told 7NEWS. “He was like ‘Yeah, I want a Rockies cast.'”

Benson hopes the cast gives him something to show his friends.

“He’s going to be in that cast for four weeks,” she said. “So hopefully it makes him feel special and he gets to show off his love for the Rockies.”

The Brockman family doesn’t have tickets to any of the Rockies upcoming playoff games, so they’ll be watching from their home in Castle Rock.

A stupid Rockies cast!! That’s all you got? Seriously, a Rockies cast? What, Denver doesn’t have any fanatical nuns to feature?

Look, we do feel kinda bad for the kid; after all, four weeks to a 7-year-old is basically a life sentence. But we’re not going to go overboard or anything because thanks to the last sentence in that story, we can guarantee the Brockmans are sitting in a luxury box when Colorado brings their series with Arizona to Denver on Sunday. Meanwhile, we’re going to be trying to keep the foil properly positioned on our rabbit ears just to get semi decent reception.

You know, that’s actually not a half bad idea. This kid might be on to something.

We’ll snap our legs right now and get red, white and blue casts if some desperate news outlet gives us a plug that results in Patriots/Cowboys tickets.


[]: Kid `Casts’ His Love Of Rockies

Colorado Rockies

The Full Count: The Rockies rebound late

1. Double Comeback: The Cubs and Rockies played eight normal innings and one wacky one at Wrigley Field on Monday. Through the eighth inning, the Cubs led 8-3. Then the real action started. Todd Helton, Garrett Atkins, and Brad Hawpe pounded out RBI hits with two outs to make the score 8-6. Then with two men on, Troy Tulowitzki blasted a homer to give the Rockies a lead and complete an incredible six-run comeback. However, the game wasn’t over quite yet. A throwing error by the Rockies with two outs in the bottom of the ninth loaded up the bases for Alfonso Soriano. Soriano then singled, driving in two and giving the Cubs a wacky 10-9 win. This is one of those games that shows why you should never leave a ballgame after the eighth inning, no matter what the score is. It was the Cubs’ third straight win, while the Rockies were hit with their fourth straight loss.

2. Another start, another win: The day after Josh Beckett reached 11 wins, CC Sabathia of the Indians matched him. Sabathia improved to 11-2 with a complete-game shutdown of the A’s. It was his third complete game in his last five starts, good for the AL lead. Sabathia allowed two runs, walked none and struck out eight in the Indians’ 5-2 victory. Like Beckett, Sabathia’s record is aided by great run support (he has a 3.24 ERA) but he is still worthy of Cy Young consideration. The A’s continued their downward fall after a great first half of the month, losing their fourth straight game.

3. Who wants first?: The NL West has made a remarkable turnaround from the league’s worst division two years ago to its most competitive one today. It seems like every week first place is up for grabs as the Diamondbacks, Dodgers, and Padres have all posted strong records. Right now the key series is Dodgers-D-backs, as the two teams are separated by a half-game in a series that will decide who’s in first place. The Dodgers won game one on Monday 8-1, as Brad Penny made another excellent start. Penny improved to 3-0 on the month and 10-1 overall as he allowed one run to Arizona in 8 innings of work. Penny, who started the All Star game last year, might do so again this year as he leads the league with a 2.04 ERA.

Player of the Day: Brian McCann, Braves: 2-3, HR (6), 4 RBIs in the Braves’ 4-1 win over the Nationals. McCann provided the Braves some much-needed offense as they ended their five-game slide.

Colorado Rockies

Odds and Ends: Stop calling us a Christian team, dammit!

After a USA Today cover story that claimed the Rockies are built around core Christian code of conduct, some of the team members aren’t exactly happy with that characterization, especially the Christian players.

Pitcher Jason Jennings was a first-round draft choice by the Rockies in 1997 from Baylor University, the largest Baptist university in the world. He has strong religious convictions but believes the tone of the story was not a proper view of the atmosphere in the Rockies clubhouse.

I thought the story was over the top,” he said. “I have strong beliefs, but I don’t judge others and I never will. My opinion is we look for good character guys, not Christian guys. A good teammate doesn’t have to have the same beliefs you have. A good teammate is a good person who plays to win.

In other news…

[USA Today]:Concerns raised over racism during Cup

[]: Another reason to drop the DH

[The Golf Blog]: Russians postpone longest golf shot in outer space

[Can’t Stop the Bleeding]: The Score’s Mike North Wouldn’t Offend For All The Tea In China