High School Sports

`No ifs, ands or butts about it’

We’re not sure how this got past us, we try our best to stay abreast of all the latest happenings on the high school cheerleader front, but we really dropped the ball on this one. Cut us some slack, we got all worked up for Turkey Day, okay.

Six California cheerleaders were suspended after displaying their best assets during a football game halftime show. Geez, what ever happened to showing a little creative school spirit?

You know that repressing these girls from allowing them to express themselves can only lead to other questionable behaviors in an attempt to show their team devotion.


[]: Anyone for Fun `n’ games

NBA General

Joey Crawford’s back and he’s ready to piss more people off

Five months ago, the biggest problem facing the NBA was a no-nonsense, technical foul-yielding referee that mysteriously threw Tim Duncan out in the final minutes of a game against the Dallas Mavericks and then, according to Duncan, challenged him to a fight. Well, after being suspended indefinitely since April, Joey Crawford has been reinstated into the league.

Based on my meeting with Joey Crawford, his commitment to an ongoing counseling program, and a favorable professional evaluation that was performed at my direction, I am satisfied that Joey understands the standards of game management and professionalism the NBA expects from him and that he will be able to conduct himself in accordance with those standards,” said NBA commissioner David Stern.

It’s amazing how little things like referees picking fights with superstars can all be forgiven when there’s some jerk-off zebra messing with the mob and fixing games.


[]: NBA Reinstates Official Joey Crawford

All Other Sports

American pitcher is in the middle of a hairy situation in Japan

It’s bad enough when any professional athlete in any sport test positive for drugs. It’s even worse when someone becomes the first player to fail a drug test in the history of a sport. But the absolute worst has to be getting suspended for pissing dirty and having the banned substance turn out to be a version of Rogaine!

American pitcher Rick Guttormson became the first person in the history of Japanese baseball to fail a drug test after officials revealed that Finasteride, a hair growing agent, was found in his system following a July 13 postgame test. So, why would someone get suspended over trying to get a thick, luxurious head of hair? Well, the stuff does more than conceal bald spots, it’s also used by some as a masking agent.

Apparently, Guttormson has been taking the stuff for a couple of years now, but that doesn’t make the Japanese Bud Seligs any happier about the situation. In addition to receiving a 20-day suspension from the Japan Pacific League, his team, the Softbank Hawks, were also fined $63,000. Now, we don’t know much about the current state of the hair restoration market, but we’re going to guess that a toupee would have been a whole lot cheaper.


[]: A hair-raising story from Japan

Chicago Bears

Tank Johnson gets benched for half a season

After serving a 60-day jail sentence, Tank Johnson was released back into the outside world just a little fatter than when he went in. But NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell made sure that Johnson would lose some serious weight, and he focused primarily on the back, right pocket region of his ass.

Tank is about to be spending a lot more time with nothing much to do because the new sheriff in town doesn’t play no crazy games and he slapped Johnson with an eight-game suspension that’ll wind up costing him $225,000 in salary. However, Goodell left a small glimmer of hope for Johnson to strive for as he stated that the suspension could be reduced to six games if Tank could avoid getting in trouble with the law and begins attending counseling. And like the other perennial bad boys to step in front of the principal, Johnson took his lickings and responded with a “Yes, sir; may I have another, sir!” type of attitude.

Roger Goodell’s a fair man, I know that, and he took everything into consideration that he and I talked about. He came up with what he came up with. If it’s in the best interest of the N.F.L., then I’m all for it. He’s given me the opportunity to reduce it to six games, which I am very appreciative. I am looking at it like a six-game suspension, because I definitely am very confident that I’m capable of doing everything he’s asked me to do, and more.

In other words, in today’s NFL you do not want to cross the boss. And as fans, we’re loving every minute of this league being scared straight. The best part of all this is that Goodell is only warming up; just wait until we really get to see him unleash a serious hurtin’ bomb on Michael Vick and his alleged dog fighting turned dog slaughtering ways. We’re still petitioning that his punishment must somehow consist of a ferret and his crotch.


[]: Bears’ Johnson Is Third Player Suspended by the N.F.L.
[]: Bears DT Tank Johnson suspended for eight games

NBA General

Michael Ray Richardson puts his foot in his mouth

You’ve come a long way, baby.

You might remember Michael Ray Richardson as an NBA All-Star with a sparkling on-court resume. You might remember him as a cocaine-addicted waste of talent after he was handed a lifetime suspension in 1986 for his vice. And if you are a serious basketball junkie, then you might even know him as the coach of the CBA’s Albany Patroons. Well, after his racial explosion was revealed yesterday, he might lose his current title.

Richardson made some volatile comments to a pair of reporters from the Albany Times Union on Tuesday when discussing his latest contract offer by GM Jim Coyne.

I’ve got big-time lawyers,” Richardson said, according to the Times Union. “I’ve got big-time Jew lawyers.

The two reporters tried to inform Richardson that his comments could be found offensive by certain people but Richardson didn’t back down.

They got a lot of power in this world, you know what I mean?” he said. “Which I think is great. I don’t think there’s nothing wrong with it. If you look in most professional sports, they’re run by Jewish people. If you look at a lot of most successful corporations and stuff, more businesses, they’re run by Jewish. It’s not a knock, but they are some crafty people.

Coincidently, Richardson and the Patroons both apologized for the incident but Richardson said that he didn’t feel that the suspension for the remainder of the year is fair. Richardson also said that the comments were out of nature for him. But a heckler at Albany’s game on Tuesday might disagree. The Times Union reports that Richardson blasted the fan twice during the game.

Shut the [expletive] up.” And near game’s end, he shouted at another heckler, “Shut the [expletive] up, you [derogatory term for gay men].

Way to go, it’s hard to piss off a pair of different populations in just one day. Even Michael Richards didn’t do that.


[]: Richardson loses control
[]: Ex-NBA star suspended for anti-Semitic slurs

General Sports

Hey Carmelo, this is how you throw a punch

Ho ho ho this!

We don’t usually report on the world of rugby, but this incident had us reminiscing back to the Malice in the Palace when Ron Artest went, well Ron Artest on a fan in the stands. David Stern should keep this in mind should another mentally imbalanced NBAer decide to partake in a similar showdown between player and spectator.

Trevor Brennan is a forward for the Toulouse rugby club who got fed up with being taunted by a fan of the opposing team back in late January and decided to take action into his own hands and go, well Ron Artest on his ass. After having beer poured on him (hmm, Artest didn’t seem to like that either) and having his mother insulted, Brennan hopped into the stands and knocked the Christmas cap right off the head of an Ulster fan who was obviously still full of the holiday spirit.

Brennan had been suspended from the league since the episode occurred and eventually announced his retirement, but that didn’t stop the European Rugby Cup from dishing out some punishment of their own. The ERC has banned Brennan for life and fined him $33,250; in addition to $6,650 he has been ordered to pay to guy he punched.

It was the view of the committee that Mr. Brennan’s behavior was completely unjustified and that he caused serious harm to an innocent spectator and significant damage to the image of rugby union,” the three-man disciplinary panel said. “The committee could not envisage more serious misconduct in relation to spectators and believed that the maximum permissible suspension was appropriate.

A 73 game suspension suddenly doesn’t sound very harsh.