Chicago Bears

Tank Johnson not legally drunk but still legally an idiot

It turns out that Tank Johnson’s blood alcohol level was only .072 last week which is below Arizona’s legal limit of .08. So Tank won’t be going to jail for DUI but he still was released by the Bears who were embarrassed by his legal troubles.

Now, before anyone (NFLPA) gets their panties in a bunch over the Bears cutting Johnson for something that’s not technically illegal, remember that this guy was about a month removed from jail and decided to drink and drive. If he’d gotten in the car 30 minutes earlier or if he hadn’t eaten 162 beef sticks, 40 honey buns, and 35 summer sausage blocks while in prison, he’d probably have pushed past the .08 level and be back in jail.

The Bears did the right thing by cutting him. Who knows when he’ll decide to pick up a few illegal firearms and cause further embarrassment to his team. He can now go and be the Raiders’ or the Cardinals’ problem.

[Yahoo]: Tank Johnson under legal limit in DUI arrest

Chicago Bears

If it wasn’t for family, Tank Johnson wouldn’t have anyone

Family is suppose to be there for you through thick and thin, even if your name in Tank Johnson. And as unbelievable as it sounds, somebody out there has a soft spot in their hearts for the former Bear. Lucky for Tank, he’s got at least two people who are still on his side; his grandparents.

It hurts,” Johnson’s grandfather, Harvey Johnson, said. “When I read the paper about Tank Johnson, it really hurts

We’re hoping that he would get himself together, and if not… he’s got my prayers every day of the week,” Johnson’s grandmother, Alice Johnson said.

“I’d just like to see him go through this life with a better report than what he’s got,” she said.

And if jail and losing his job aren’t enough to convince Tank that he’s on a road to nowhere, then maybe a pep talk from gramps will do the trick.

I’d like to sit and talk with him,” Harvey Johnson said. “Give me a call. Let me talk to him.

Good luck with that. Unfortunately, we have a feeling that you’ll be talking to a brick wall.


[]: Tank Johnson’s Grandparents On His Career

Chicago Bears

Tank Johnson gets benched for half a season

After serving a 60-day jail sentence, Tank Johnson was released back into the outside world just a little fatter than when he went in. But NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell made sure that Johnson would lose some serious weight, and he focused primarily on the back, right pocket region of his ass.

Tank is about to be spending a lot more time with nothing much to do because the new sheriff in town doesn’t play no crazy games and he slapped Johnson with an eight-game suspension that’ll wind up costing him $225,000 in salary. However, Goodell left a small glimmer of hope for Johnson to strive for as he stated that the suspension could be reduced to six games if Tank could avoid getting in trouble with the law and begins attending counseling. And like the other perennial bad boys to step in front of the principal, Johnson took his lickings and responded with a “Yes, sir; may I have another, sir!” type of attitude.

Roger Goodell’s a fair man, I know that, and he took everything into consideration that he and I talked about. He came up with what he came up with. If it’s in the best interest of the N.F.L., then I’m all for it. He’s given me the opportunity to reduce it to six games, which I am very appreciative. I am looking at it like a six-game suspension, because I definitely am very confident that I’m capable of doing everything he’s asked me to do, and more.

In other words, in today’s NFL you do not want to cross the boss. And as fans, we’re loving every minute of this league being scared straight. The best part of all this is that Goodell is only warming up; just wait until we really get to see him unleash a serious hurtin’ bomb on Michael Vick and his alleged dog fighting turned dog slaughtering ways. We’re still petitioning that his punishment must somehow consist of a ferret and his crotch.


[]: Bears’ Johnson Is Third Player Suspended by the N.F.L.
[]: Bears DT Tank Johnson suspended for eight games

Chicago Bears

Tank Johnson isn’t a fruit and vegetables kind of guy

If you didn’t know, football players are some big freakin’ guys! And the linemen are even bigger! So, you can imagine how difficult it must be to keep a 6-foot-3, 300 pound monster of a man satisfied in the kitchen. Now just try to keep that same big boy from getting hungry while he’s locked up in jail and receiving slop and bologna sandwiches a couple times a day. We would guess that it’s damn near impossible but we don’t have to guess because Tank Johnson’s 60 day stint in the pokey has produced a calorie by calorie break down of exactly what kind of junk food it takes to satisfy a hungry giant.

While in jail, Johnson received three meals a day but also spent $665 on other goodies to get him through his cravings. Here are some of the highlights:

162 Beef Sticks

40 Honey Buns

35 Summer Sausage Blocks

35 Bags of Chips

9 Jalapeno Cheese Spreads

6 Cans of Refried Beans

Now if that’s not the diet of a pro athlete then nothing is! But, we were kind of shocked to hear all of this considering that our diets consist primarily of beef sticks and sausage. Wait, that came out all wrong. Anyways, after reading this we’re guessing that Johnson headed straight for the right field seats at Dodger Stadium as soon as he was released.


[]: Stay in jail not healthy for Tank

Chicago Bears

Tank Johnson gets 4 month prison sentence

Tank Johnson will be spending the next 60-120 days in jail despite Lovie Smith calling him a “good guy” who just made some bad decisions. We’re so sick of this “bad decisions” and “wrong place at the wrong time” stuff.

As a young kid, I grew up hard . . . I have made some mistakes in my life that are well-documented,” Johnson told Moran before being sentenced in a Skokie courtroom. But, he said, “I don’t believe I am a man who belongs in jail. I believe I deserve a chance to get it right.

You did get your second chance you dumbass. It was called probation. At some point, you have to not violate your probation by owning unregistered firearms. And you have to not get your bodyguard killed by going out to a club and getting into a fight.

Lovie also added that jail time would be “devastating” for Johnson’s playing career. Well isn’t that a shame. Because when normal criminals get sentenced to jail, it does wonders for their careers.

Don’t worry Bears fans, Tank’s incarceration won’t ruin the Bears chances next year — having Rex Grossman as your QB has already done that.

[Chicago Sun Times]: Bears’ star Johnson thrown in the tank
[MSNBC]: Bears’ Johnson sentenced to 4 months in jail