Tag: NFL

Categories
General Sports

No anal fissures here (sorry Kaz Matsui), but these are still some really strange injuries

We called in sick to work today and told our boss that we were “murdered and then set on fire” while celebrating our birthdays. He’s a total moron, so he bought it, but we have to bring in a doctor’s note which we’ll be forging during Judge Judy this afternoon. Anyways, while we were surfing the web and finishing off a six-pack of Bud Ice, we came across The Hungry Actor‘s list of Top 10 Strange Sports Injuries and realized that our excuse wasn’t so farfetched after all.

10. Brian Griese trips over his pet poodle and sprains his ankle.

9. John Smoltz burns himself while ironing a shirt he was wearing.

8. Tom Glavine breaks a rib while vomiting up an inflight meal.

7. Brandon Inge pulls his oblique while readjusting a pillow on his couch.

6. Glenallen Hill, an extreme arachnaphobic had a nightmare about spiders and while fleeing the spiders he fell into a glass table and received multiple cuts over his entire body.

5. Denny McLain goes to sleep in good health and wakes up with four dislocated toes.

4. Muggsy Bogues misses the second half after accidentally inhaling the fumes from an ointment being used in a halftime treatment.

3. Adam Eaton stabs himself in the stomach with a paring knife trying to remove the packaging of a DVD.

2. Clarence “Climax” Blethen thought he looked meaner when he pitched without his false teeth in. Unfortunately for him he left them in his back pocket while sliding into second and he bit himself on butt.

1. Bret Barberie failed to wash his hands, after making nachos with hot sauce and chili peppers, before he put in his contact lenses. The extreme burning cause him to miss one game.

Honorable Mention: Chris Hanson misses while chopping wood and severely cuts his leg landing himself on the DL for the season; Lionel Simmons developed tendinitis from playing too many video games; Manny Cordova falls asleep in a tanning bed and receives burns so severe he has to miss time; Sammy Sosa sneezes multiple times in the clubhouse prompting a series of back spasms which puts him out of the lineup.

We call dibs on No. 5. We’re planning on calling in sick next Monday too. Three-day 4th of July weekend, here we come!

Links:

[The Hungry Actor]: Top 10 Strange Sports Injuries

Categories
Fantasy Football

Odds and Ends: Fodder for fantasy football fires


Remember back in the good ol’ days when running backs where the most important position in the fantasy football universe. Well, thanks to the two-back system sensation that is sweeping the NFL nation, those days appear to be over; at least, according to WhatIfSports.com. They released their 08 season predicitions this week and the QBs are defiantly the dominant species with seven in the top 10 and 10 appearing in the top 15. Here’s their breakdown of the top 10 scorers overall.

1. Tom Brady, QB, Patriots
2. Peyton Manning, QB, Colts
3. Tony Romo, QB, Cowboys
4. LaDanian Tomlinson, RB, Chargers
5. Brian Westbrook, RB, Eagles
6. Drew Brees, QB, Saints
7. Derek Anderson, QB, Browns
8. Carson Palmer, QB, Bengals
9. Adrian Peterson, RB, Vikings
10. Eli Manning, QB, Giants

Just for comparisons sake, here’s a quick rundown of the projected top 10 players prior to the 2007 season as seen by SI.com:

1. LaDainian Tomlinson, RB, Chargers
2. Steven Jackson, RB, Rams
3. Larry Johnson, RB, Chiefs
4. Frank Gore, RB, 49ers
5. Shaun Alexander, RB, Seahawks
6. Willie Parker, RB, Steelers
7. Rudi Johnson, RB, Bengals
8. Brian Westbrook, RB, Eagles
9. Peyton Manning, QB, Colts
10. Joseph Addai, RB, Colts

In other news…

[The Beardown]: Buy Tiger Woods’ apple cores??

[Tirico Suave]: Maricopa County sheriff asks “Shaq, tell me how my ass tastes”

[Giants Football Blog]: Michael Strahan reveals Jeremy Shockey wants out of NYC. Well, duh!

[Deuce of Davenport]: KITT is still cooler than the Hoff

[Bugs & Cranks]: Attack of the broken bat

[Sportaphile.com]: Kobe Bryant continues to take a beating, this time from rapper Nas

[PartMule.com]: “Holy Jesus, look at the butt on that”

[YouTube.com]: You can find Chuck Liddell in the club

[Epic Carnival]: Yippee!! It’s National Sports Bra Week

[Home Run Derby]: The Jheri Curl All-Stars

And finally, crunk is officially dead. Let the era of mumbles begin.

Categories
Washington Redskins

Clinton Portis channels four more figments of his imagination

Clinton Portis is a wild and crazy cat indeed. One of his absolute favorite things to do is dress up like its Halloween every time he does a press conference and being the fan friendly guy that he is, Portis is allowing you to choose which reincarnation attends. Here are your choices.

Bud Foxx

» Occupation: Ultimate Fighter
» Win-loss record: 0 wins, 17 losses
» Weight class: 115 pounds, but he weighs 220 pounds
» Finishing move: Cracking fingers

Foxx suffered a fast defeat at the (fully intact) hands of NFL researcher George Li to keep his winless streak alive.

Dr. Do Itch Big

» Occupation: Dentist
» Fact: Does his own dental work in the mirror
» Motto: “Cleaning up the NFL one mouth at a time”

The good doctor started his bicuspid crusade by enhancing the grills of former Giants DE Michael Strahan and Bills RB Marshawn Lynch.

Electra

» Occupation: Environmentalist
» Education: Masters in Electrical Engineering from MIT
» Motto: “Off the grid is off the chain”
» Facts: Lives in a solar-powered green house and smokes a pipe

The Earth-lover’s decision to step back on the grid to keep Rich Eisen caffeinated gave him a jolt from which he may not recover.

Prime Minister Yah Mon

» Occupation: Prime Minister
» Birthplace: Somewhere between Jamaica and the United States
» Fact: Running for President of the United States as an independent

Forget Obama and McCain. Come November, vote for this dreadlocked diplomat, who promises to lower gas prices by at least 40 cents.

Here’s the video bios for these goons.

Links:

[NFL.com]: Vote for your favorite Portis character

Categories
Dallas Cowboys

He is serious…and don’t call him Pacman

Pacman Jones no longer wants to be called Pacman Jones. Apparently, it is time to turn over a new leaf for Jones on and off the field, starting with that pesky nickname. OK, sure, and while we’re at it, why don’t we just stop calling Magic Johnson, Magic and drop the Kimbo from Kimbo Slice? What about striking Tiger from our memories as well? Listen, Pacman is here to stay and even if it weren’t, we’re certainly not going to resort to calling him Adam or Mr. Jones. However, we will consider the following list of possible Pacman replacements offered up from the fellas at Bleacher Report.

Donkey Kong Jones: For not only his objectification of women, but also his rumored penchant for throwing barrels at Italian plumbers.

Galaga Jones: For his seeming inability to end a confrontation of any level without a certain level of gun play, coupled with his quest for interstellar domination.

Excite-Bike Jones: For his ability to escape the scene of any crime at an incredibly high rate of speed along a linear and predictable path.

Tecmo-Bowl Jones: Since the only time Jones will ever get to play in a Super Bowl will be vicariously through a poorly pixilated video simulation with a limited play-calling selection (not unlike the Minnesota Vikings).

Frogger Jones: For Jones’ amazing ability to sidestep and avoid any semblance of personal responsibility and accountability.

Ms. Pacman Jones: For his girlish and childlike attempt to escape his past and self-created reputation by trying to get a publicist to get people to stop calling him Pacman.

If we’re sticking with the video game theme then we’re going to throw Grand Theft Auto Jones into the mix. Seems fitting considering shooting up strip clubs is actually part of the game.

Links:

[Bleacher Report]: The Best New Nicknames for Adam `Pacman’ Jones

Categories
General Sports

Most obnoxious sports traditions

Why do we love sports? Oh, let us count the ways. The list starts with the simple addiction to competition and ends with all the sexy girlfriends and wives of the athletes. There’s a whole lot in between, but we forgot what it was because we started thinking about how lucky Reggie Bush is. Anyways, for as much as we love the world of sports, there are plenty of things out there that just really annoy the hell out of us and, apparently, there’s a lot that annoys the guys over at The Love of Sports as well. Here’s their list of the Most Obnoxious Sports Traditions.

8. John Sterling: “Yankees Win!”

7. Detroit Red Wings’ Octopi

6. “CHARGE!”

5. Tomahawk Chop

4. Sleeveless Shirts in NASCAR

3. Gooooaaaaaallllll!

2. Hats & Mint Juleps at the Kentucky Derby

1. The Wave

Wait a minute, let’s not forget about John Mason’s “Deeeeetroit basketball! or the creepy little kids who copy him.

Links:

[The Love of Sports]: Most Obnoxious Sports Traditions

Categories
NFL General

The first in a soon-to-be long string of "shocking" NFL predictions

Say hello to your newest
1,000-yard rusher

The NBA season is officially over, signifying the official starting of the countdown to the NFL kickoff. We’re still trying to figure out who our keeper is going to be for this year’s fantasy team, but, luckily, we still have time. And between now and then, we’ll probably flip flop between players over a hundred times thanks to crazy, outlandish predictions like these from FBKid’s Sports Minute.

Fbkid’s top ten shocking predictions for the NFL season

10. Matt Forte will run for 1,000 yards as a rookie

9. Drew Stanton will be the starting quarterback for the Lions by the end of the year

8. Keith Rivers will win defensive rookie of the year

7. The Oakland Raiders will be a playoff spoiler come December

6. The Carolina Panthers will make the playoffs

5. Jonathan Stewart will win offensive rookie of the year

4. The Buffalo Bills will make the playoffs

3. The Pittsburgh Steelers won’t make the playoffs

2. The Cowboys won’t be representing the NFC in the Super Bowl

1. Troy Smith will be the starting quarterback for the Ravens week one

We’ll go out on a limb and say the Cowboys won’t be representing the NFC and TO will once again go home with snot coming out his nose and tears streaming behind his Kool Moe Dee shades. Either way, you need to get your popcorn ready because you’re going to want a snack while you wait for the season kickoff to roll around on September 4. Skins in New York to face the Super Bowl champs, in case you were wondering.

Links:

[FBKid’s Sports Minute]: top ten shocking predictions for the NFL season

Categories
Philadelphia Eagles

Brian Westbrook’s decision to go down is still reverberating though the world of fantasy


Fantasy football participants across the globe still remember the exact feelings that rushed throughout their body during the final moments of last season’s matchup between the Eagles and the Cowboys in Week 15. Well, let’s rephrase that. Fantasy football participants across the globe who either owned Brian Westbrook or played against Brian Westbrook still remember the exact feelings that rushed throughout their body during the final moments of last season’s matchup between the Eagles and the Cowboys in Week 15. Unfortunately for Cardinals wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald, Westbrook was starting for him that week.

Larry Fitzgerald spoke for millions (thousands, anyway) of people in the NFL world when he told Philadelphia running back Brian Westbrook at the 2008 Pro Bowl, “You ruined my fantasy football team.”

The Cardinals’ receiver was one of many people on the wrong side of the NFL’s version of “The Play.” It was fantasy’s answer to Jim Marshall running the wrong way, or Don Beebe chasing down Leon Lett to strip him of a sure touchdown in Super Bowl XXVII. If fantasy football ever had a “Where were you?” moment, this was it. But what was it?

Late in the fourth quarter of a week-15 game at Dallas, with Philadelphia leading by four points, Westbrook took a handoff and broke through the Cowboys’ defense. It looked like a certain 25-yard touchdown run. The score would have given the Eagles a 17-6 lead, but the Cowboys would get the ball back. However, if Westbrook didn’t cross the plane of the goal line, it would simply give the Eagles a first down and the ability to run out the clock (the Cowboys having already spent their time outs). As fantasy fans began to rejoice (early) with this late score, Eagles fans watched in delight as Westbrook simply fell down on the 1-yard line. His thoughtful, heady, unselfish play let the Eagles run out the clock, and Philadelphia defeated its longtime rivals, 10-6.

Westbrook’s fantasy owners, however, wept.

A play like that, at any point of the season, would normally be cause for great discussion — who is this guy playing for, me or the Eagles? But because it came in week 15 — a playoff week in many fantasy football leagues — it was monumental. …

Westbrook was a star for his owners in 2007. He led the NFL with 2,104 yards from scrimmage and scored 12 touchdowns. But he has been portrayed as a villain by many fantasy owners for his play. Here’s a secret, though: He wasn’t the mastermind behind the fantasy and real-life game-changer. Eagles tackle Jon Runyan was the one who suggested that Westbrook lie down to eat up more clock. Figure that — an offensive lineman, normally far away from the football, coming up with the most selfless play imaginable to win a game. On the replay, Runyan can even be seen chasing Westbrook down the field instructing him to hit the turf.

“Maybe I wasn’t on his [fantasy] team,” Westbrook joked. “But no, that’s just Jon. He’s always coming up with stuff like that. He’s a smart guy. He told me that if I break the play [through the defense], I need to go down at the one.”

Listen, Brian, we’re sorry about all that hate mail we’ve been sending you over the last several months, but that play cost us our shot at our league’s postseason. So, if you don’t mind, could you please forward all our letters to Runyan, we’d appreciate it. Hopefully, you haven’t opened any of it yet; especially the package without a return address.

Links:

[NFL.com]: Westbrook’s heady play was a fantasy stunner

Categories
General Sports

The top sports innuendos

The current king of penetrating the
zone

We love watching sports, mainly for all of its elegance and grace, but we’re equally addicted to the bloopers. And it doesn’t have to be the physical kind, we love a good slip of the tongue too. Sometimes, it doesn’t even have to be accidental. During any given game, we’re bound to hear at least a few horrible metaphors from the crew behind the mics. So, here’s a list of the Top Ten Sports Phrases that Cause Uncontrollable Giggles. Just try not to laugh.

10. “flashing some leather” (baseball)

9. “finding the hot receiver” (football)

8. “he touches them all!” (baseball)

7. “lined up in the slot” (football)

6. “hitting the hole hard” (football)

5. “handy stickwork” (hockey)

4. “effective ball movement” (basketball)

3. “getting good wood on it” (baseball)

2. anything involving “Pujols” (baseball)

1. “penetrating the zone” (basketball)

Links:

[Hugging Harold Reynolds]: I Got the Giggles

Categories
New York Giants

Giants’ Super Bowl rings get jacked in Ocean’s Eleven-style job

All, and we mean all, the odds we’re stacked against the New York Giants this past season, but they overcame, shocking the world by defeating the undefeated Patriots in the Super Bowl. Well, after all their hard work, some of the fellas don’t even have there championship bling to show for it.

Local police are investigating a robbery in Attleboro, Massachusetts, in which $1 to $2 million in gold and diamond jewelry was stolen over the weekend, including New York Giant Super Bowl rings, designed in conjunction with a consortium of Giants players and high-end jeweler Tiffany & Co.

According to local press reports, the burglars disabled the alarm system at E.A. Dion Inc, cut a hole in the roof and lifted a 1,000-pound safe through the ceiling, fleeing with it. The theft was discovered Sunday when an employee arrived at the store.

Police said there were no suspects and declined to comment further.

The white gold New York Giant Super Bowl rings are set with 1.5 carats of diamonds and designed to be big, seen 10 tables away at a restaurant.

According to reports, it’s the biggest heist in Attleboro’s history and ranks just behind the Memphis heist of Pau Gasol by the Lakers for the country’s largest robbery of 2008.

Links:

[IndexOnline.com]: Jewelry Robbers Nab Super Bowl Rings

Categories
Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Odds and Ends: Chris Simms is a cry baby

Chris Simms is mad as hell and he’s not going to take it anymore. The former Texas quarterback ripped Jon Gruden and virtually ended his relationship with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers on Monday when he claimed to have become a “hostage” of the franchise.

“I feel like I’m being held hostage,” Simms said. “I hate that all this has happened. I love Tampa. My family loves it here. But I’ve been quiet long enough. I feel like it’s time to let everybody know why I’m not out there.”…

“I don’t know how anybody can expect me to go back there and look coach Gruden in the eye and believe the relationship is hunky dory after some of the things that were said and done,” Simms said. “Things were handled wrongly from the business end of it and definitely things were handled wrongly as far as how you treat a person. …

“How can I look (Gruden) in the eye when I know he wanted me cut last year. He did not want me to be part of the team and I have a lot of resentment about that. Nine or 10 months after a serious injury, I put my life on the line, it was the most serious injury they’ve ever been associated with, I worked as hard as I could to get back and he wasn’t even going to give me a full year.

“I have a serious issue with that, I really do.” …

“He asked me, ‘Is this injury in your head?'” Simms said. “I found that completely ridiculous. I was going through a tough time. I kept my mouth shut all summer. I felt I was betrayed to a degree. Nobody took time to talk to me on a personal level and see how I was doing.”

Geez, what a loser. Even daytime soap operas think Simms is being overly dramatic.

In other news…

[YardBarker.com]: Another day, another bobblehead

[Your Face is a Sports Blog]: Big Brown and Tim Donaghy have a lot in common

[The Big Lead]: Apparently, Chicago’s fans aren’t the only ones who hate Cedric Benson

[TMZ.com]: Jason Caffey is a dead-beat dad times 10

[CBS2.com]: Vinny Del Negro could be the new head baby Bull

[The Sports Muffin]: Vince McMahon gets tossed into UFC announcement rumors

[SI.com]: Jason Peter is a maniac!

[Busted Coverage]: Detroit reporter says Pittsburgh has better hockey fans

[FunnyOrDie.com]: WTF?!?

And finally, goodbye testicles.


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