Be very afraid: Scientology is coming to NASCAR

Dear redneck… er… racing fan,

Do you suffer from addictions, arthritis, depression, learning disabilities, mental illness, cancer, or homosexuality? Well, then come on out to the racetrack this SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY! Dianetics will be there to give you a FREE personality test!

While watching cars zoom by and going round and round in circles, we’ll make sure your head spins in circles with all the crap we’re going to brainwash you with! Did you know that driver Kenton Gray credits L. Ron Hubbard’s teachings with making him a good driver? Did you know that through `Dianetics’ he’s handled stress and increased his performance and ability to compete–both on the track and in his life? Well, we can help you too!

First, watch the “Ignite Your Potential” car make a left turn, then another left turn, and another left turn… and if you are still with us, then congratulations! You’re ready for step 2, the assist. We’ll have our helpers around to give you a massage to take the stress off from all that neck craning and exhaust fume inhalation! Before you know it, you’ll be privy to the SECRET TEACHINGS where you’ll learn how the Lord Xenu came to earth 75 million years ago, brought billions of people and put them in volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen bombs. Their wayward souls are the reason so much is wrong with your life! It’s not because you don’t have your high school diploma and don’t wake up before 2:00 PM. It’s not that at all. It’s because of the DARK LORD XENU’S evil souls!

But that’s not all! You know those 8 children you plan on having in the double-wide? Well you can learn how to have them during SILENT BIRTH! Just like Tom and Katie did! So, what do you have to lose? (We require a small donation for each level of Scientology that you achieve.) Come join the SCIENTOLOGY/NASCAR event TODAY!

[MSNBC]: Scientology revs up to join NASCAR circuit
[You Tube]: South Park – the history of Xenu

[Wikipedia]: Scientology