Categories
NBA General

Oklahoma City Thundercats are already heading downhill fast

OKC is going to have some sweet
unis

The Seattle SuperSonics are no more and it saddens us. The yellow and green had some great years up in the Pacific Northwest, but Oklahoma tycoon Clay Bennett ripped the team away and now it’s time for the franchise to move onward and upward. At least, we hope so, but, so far, things aren’t looking to promising. First, the team is heading to Oklahoma City. No offense OKC, but even Gilbert Arenas bumped Milwaukee up to second on the “Worst NBA Cities” list following the relocation. Maybe the NBA will put a franchise in Boise, Idaho or Billings, Montana next.

Second, the team name being thrown around is the Thundercats. OMG-WTF-LOL. Guess the Smurfs, the Transformers and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are being saved for Boise and Billings. (Here’s a list of more potential names for the team. Personally, we like the Okie Dokies.)

So, can things get worse for the Oklahoma City Thundercats? The Beardown says yes and here’s how.

10. Hire Brian McNamee to be the teams strength and conditioning coach. He did wonders for Andy Petitt and Roger Clemens all ready.

9. Hire Isaiah Thomas as the General Manager. He couldn’t mess this up that badly, could he?

8. Give Jose Canseco a chance to run the promotions for each game. This guy could squeeze a nickel out of the most mediocre talent levels.

7. Have Latrell Sprewell handle the community relations department. I have heard he is a very hands on kind of guy.

6. Allow Kobe to handle all hotel accommodation’s. The hotel staffs rave about his generosity.

5. Tab Kenny Rogers for Media Relations. This guy loses himself in his work.

4. Allow Hector “Macho” Camacho to design the team uniforms.

3. Ask the 1989 Minnesota Vikings Front office for help in draft strategy and trade away 3 1st, 2nd, and 3rd round picks for one player.

2. Hire a former TV Color Commentator with no experience to be your GM. Then after 16 wins in 4 seasons, give him a 5 year extension.

1. Try to Drum up fans and hold a Ten Cent Beer Night Promotion. Sit back and watch the hillarity ensue (Cleveland forfeited the game after fans rioted and charged the field, not in the fun Huge Upset College Football kinda way). Even though, I would be more than happy to attend Ten Cent Beer Night.

We know you’re still in mourning, Seattle, but if things go right, this could become a complete embarrassment for Clay Bennett. And isn’t that really the best revenge possible?

Links:

[The Beardown]: Destroying a franchise; A how to

Categories
General Sports

Go pick up your birthday suit from the cleaners because we’re going streaking!

If we could go to college all over again, you can bet we’d choose Hamilton College in New York. Why? Well, can you name another university that has a varsity streaking team? Didn’t think so.

Categories
Seattle Mariners

National League, tell me how my ass tastes

If you thought Ichiro Suzuki was simply some stone-faced, robot-like, baseball-playing, Japanese cyborg then you’d be right because the Mariners outfielder is exactly that for 99.9% of the season. However, there is one day when Suzuki lets loose, providing his team with an unquenchable firestorm of emotion and that day occurs every year at the All-Star Game when Suzuki releases a profanity-laced tirade against the NL team that would probably make Andrew Dice Clay blush a little.

Every year, after the AL manager addresses his team, Ichiro bursts from his locker, a bundle of kinetic energy, and proceeds, in English, to disparage the National League with an H-bomb of F-bombs, stunning first-timers who had no idea Ichiro speaks the queen’s language fluently and making returnees happy that they had played well enough to see the pep talk again.

The tradition began in 2001, Ichiro’s first All-Star appearance, and the AL hasn’t lost a game since. …

The exact words are not available. Players are too busy laughing to remember them. Ichiro wouldn’t dare repeat them in public. So here’s the best facsimile possible.

“Bleep … bleep bleep bleep … National League … bleep … bleep … bleeeeeeeeep … National – bleep bleep bleepbleepbleep!”

George Carlin is defiantly out there somewhere with a gigantic smile on his face.

Links:

[Sports Crackle Pop]: Ichiro’s F***ing Pep-Talk
[Yahoo! Sports]: Ichiro’s speech to All-Stars revealed

Categories
MLB General

Odds and Ends: Bon Jovi brings us up to speed with the MLB’s first half

Before the second half of the MLB season begins, why not remember the first half in style? Set to the tune of Bon Jovi’s greatest hits album, here’s the season’s memorable moments thus far. Are you ready to rock!?!

Lay Your Hands on Me: Boston Red Sox-Tampa Rays — The fight of the first half goes to these two teams. We’re still wondering what would’ve happened to Coco Crisp had James Shields connected on his haymaker.

Wanted Dead or Alive: Willie Randolph — We still don’t know for sure if it was the owners (The Wilpons) or the GM (Omar Minaya) who wanted Randolph out, but when you fire a guy who has won three of four and is on the first game of a West Coast trip at 3 a.m. Eastern time, you wanted blood however you could get it.

Keep the Faith: Detroit Tigers — The Tigers started 0-7 and it took them until June 30 to have a winning record. They’re still just one game over .500 and seven games behind the White Sox, but they’ve at least climbed out of a huge hole.

I’ll Be There For You: Francisco Rodriguez — K-Rod has 36 saves to lead the majors. The next highest total is 27.

Runaway: Evan Longoria — No player has a postseason award locked up more than the Rays rookie third baseman.

Livin’ On a Prayer: Chicago Cubs — Is this the year the drought finally ends? We all know about the curse of the Billy Goat and Steve Bartman. Cubs fans are praying this is the year those things are put in the past. They’re halfway there.

Blaze of Glory: Arizona Diamondbacks — The club got off to a 20-8 start. They’re now 46-46 and hold a one-game lead over the Dodgers in the NL West. We’d say that was going down in a blaze of glory.

It’s My Life: Josh Hamilton — We all know about Hamilton’s unbelievable comeback. He was consumed by drugs and was headed toward death. Now, he’s an MVP candidate who has a whopping 91 RBIs. The opening to this song’s chorus fits the Texas slugger perfectly: It’s my life/ It’s now or never/ I ain’t gonna live forever/ I just want to live while I’m alive.

Bad Medicine: Ryan Church — The Mets outfielder suffered a concussion on May 20 (his second of the season) has been sidelined by postconcussion syndrome on and off for almost two months. The Mets have been accused of not handling the injury properly and now the players’ union is getting involved.

You Give Love a Bad Name: Alex Rodriguez — This pretty much sums it up.

Never Say Goodbye: Barry Bonds — As teams try to figure out how to make that second-half surge, whose name has come up a few times in recent weeks? Bonds. Barry Bonds.

Have a Nice Day: Blue Jays manager John Gibbons, Mariners skipper John McLaren and the aforementioned Randolph all got their walking papers within four days of each other.

Who Says You Can’t Go Home: We couldn’t think of a good one for this song so we want you to submit some choice via that form to your right and we’ll post a couple later on.

In other news…

[East Coast Bias]: Best and worst of MLB All-Star Game

[The Bad News Bloggers]: This year’s top fantasy RB probably isn’t who you think it is (pssst, it’s Brian Westbrook)

[The Beardown]: A note to Bud Selig

[Don Chavez]: More pictures of cheerleaders gone slutty, this time in Winnipeg

[MyHogtown]: Beer guy gets canned…wait, he’s not working our section, right?

[NewsObserver.com]: The Pack is back

[Mondesishouse.com]: Pittsburgh Pirates: The Movie

[Red Sox Monster]: AP forgets to use spell-check

[SpursReport]: Spurs’ Coyote evacuates building

And finally, it’s Top Ten time.

Categories
General Sports

The rich keep getting richer, but we’re not bitter

As if being a rich-ass, supermodel-pulling, fast car-driving sports superstar isn’t already enough; ESPN is showering these multi-millionaires with a grocery cart full of free stuff that would cost the normal person a year’s salary. Oh, and for good measure, they’re going to present them with awards for how great they are just so they don’t feel unwanted. Yup, it’s time to take a look in the ESPY’s SWAG bag and then throw up in it.

Amadeus Spa- Gift Certificate
AlcoMate- Premium Breathalyzer
Amadeo Decada- Custom Hoodie & gift certificate
Ancestry.com- DNA Ancestry Kit & Family Tree Maker 2008 Software
Bedandbreakfast.com- Gift Certificate
Blush Bags- Gift Cards
Bobbi Brown- Sunscreen
Bosch- Gift Cards
Breeders Cup- VIP Experience and transportation plus a 2% stake in a West Point Thoroughbred horse
Campus Quilt- Gift Certificates
Canvasondemand.com- Gift Certificates
Chipotle- Gift Certificates good for a burrito a week FOR A YEAR!
Chumby- A compact device that displays useful and entertaining information from the web- wake up to your internet life!
Deanna Zaccari- Gift Certificate for an exclusive 2-hour personal stylist
DeBrand Chocolates- Chocolate Tower, Classic and Connoisseur Collection and a gift card
Del Sol- Color changing apparel & accessories including Men’s & Women’s Flip Flops
Dirt Devil- Dirt Devil Reaction All-Surface Vacuum Cleaner
Disneyland Tickets- Pairs of Disneyland® Resort 1-Day Park Hopper® Tickets
Disney on Broadway- Pair of tickets to The Little Mermaid, The Lion King and Mary Poppins
EA Sports- 2009 NCAA Football for PS3 and XBOX 360
Econation- 2 hours of chauffered service in a luxury eco-friendly vehicle
Flowershop.com- Gift Certificate
Hasbro Games- Collection of Board Games
Hasbro Toys- Collection of Toys
Hot Rod Putter- Hot Rod Putter head
iGourmet- Gift card
iHome- Portable Speaker System for iPod
Invicta Watches- Russian Diver watches
Ironkey- the world’s most secure flash drive
Johnston & Murphy- J & M leather toiletry sets
Klipsch- Headphones
L.A. Vie L’Orange- Walk on the Beach Pedicure
LÄRABAR- Gift Certificate
Live Scribe- 1 GB Pulse Smartpen that records and links audio
Marchon Eyewear- Designer sunglasses
Margaritaville® Frozen Concoction Maker- Gift Certificate
Mitchell & Ness- Jackets from Mitchell & Ness
Murad- Wrinkle Reducer
Nimble Fitness- Gift Card for a complimentary fitness package
Oregon Scientific- An ATC Action Camera
Pacific Palms Golf Course- 1 night stay at the resort and 1 complimentary round of golf
Parajumpers- Gift certificate for a Parajumpers “Gobi” jacket
Phyto- Gift certificates
Revolution- Gift certificates
Richard Petty Experience- Make laps inside an authentic 600hp NASCAR style stock car
Rock ‘n’ Roll Fantasy Camp- Admittance into the 2008 Summer Tour of Rock n’ Roll Fantasy Camp
Rosetta Stone- Gift Certificate
Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse- Gift Certificate
Salt Works Jeans- Gift Certificate
Sea Spa Santa Barbara- Gift Certificate
Shari’s Berries- Gift Certificate
Skin Care for Athletes- Gift Certificate
Smashbox- Gift Set
Sports Club LA- A complimentary 1 year membership
Stress Eraser- FDA-regulated medical device that relaxes he body and calms the mind
Subway- Gift card
The Shave- Gift card
The Standard- 2 night stay at any of their 4 locations
Three Designing Women- Box Sets and an Acrylic Desk Caddy
Timberland- 18″ wheeled duffel suitcase
Trapp Private Garden Candles- Large poured candles and Home fragrance sprays
Under Armour- Large Gym Bag and Sunglasses
Yamaha BodiBeat- Gift Certificate
Yogaworks- Gift Certificate
Zaca Mesa Winerey- 1 bottle of wine and gift certificate
Zirh- Platinum drenched moisturizer

Links:

[Awful Announcing]: A Look Inside The ESPY’s Gift Bag

Categories
All Other Sports

Tired of getting your ass kicked?

The world’s a tough place and if you’re going to survive then you have to be able to protect yourself. Now, you can either spend a lifetime learning self defense techniques or you can do like you did in college with your midterms and try to master everything in one sitting before the test. Here’s your cheat sheet:

Now go pick a fight with someone in a gi and report back. By the way, how did those midterms turn out for you?

Categories
College Football

Okla…homa Sooners get punk’d and then get pissed

When we first saw the news about Quinton “Rampage” Jackson’s little case of road rage, we figured it had to be an elaborate joke. After all, he was trying to evade the cops in a jacked-up truck with a life-sized picture of himself on the side. Something tells us that probably wasn’t the best choice for an escape vehicle. Either way, turns out Rampage’s little, uh, rampage in the streets was all too real and the former UFC light heavyweight champion is facing a pair of felony charges.

Anyways, like getting a song stuck in your head after hearing a few lines, we’re now jonzing for a good prank to get rid of the sadness that has crept into our souls since finding out Rampage is a moron. Luckily, this anti-Sooner came into our lives at just the right moment.

The publisher of Oklahoma’s largest newspaper and one of its sportswriters have sued a University of Texas employee who admitted posting a bogus article on the Internet about two University of Oklahoma football players.

The Oklahoma Publishing Co., which publishes The Oklahoman newspaper and newsok.com website, filed a civil lawsuit Monday against James W. Conradt, a Nebraska football fan who works as a service manager for UT’s information technology department.

The 10-count civil lawsuit accuses Conradt of libel, copyright violations and trademark infringements. It seeks unspecified financial damages.

Conradt, 36, used a template from the newspaper’s website to publish a fake article on the Internet on July 9 that stated OU quarterbacks Sam Bradford and Landry Jones had been arrested for intent to distribute cocaine, the lawsuit alleges.

Hey, James, say hi to Rampage for us if you should happen to pass him in the courthouse halls.

Links:

[USAToday.com]: Newspaper sues Nebraska fan over bogus article about Sooners

Categories
MLB General

Odds and Ends: "Babe, I don’t know why he doesn’t hit the ball harder"

For the guys who are in a relationship, sports are usually a safe haven where the girlfriends rarely step foot. However, certain events like all-star games, the Super Bowl and March Madness bring out the inner sports fan within chicks and last night’s Home Run Derby certainly constitutes as such an event. So, for those of you lucky enough to actually trick a girl into dating you, here’s a list of things you probably heard while Josh Hamilton was going bananas.

“Look how slow they’re throwing the ball! This is SOOOOOO easy. You’d have to suck not to hit a home run every time.”

“That Berkman guy will definitely win, right? Don’t fat guys always win?”

“Were you joking when you said A-Rod isn’t participating because he’s spotting Madonna at the gym?”

“Why don’t they use the net in front of the pitcher in real games? Wouldn’t that be a lot safer?”

“Omigod. Look at all those guidos in the stands. As much as I love shopping in New York I am SOOO glad we don’t live there.”

“You haven’t switched over to E! once like you said you would.”

“Why don’t players just hit home runs every time? Wouldn’t that be a lot easier?”

“His last name isn’t really Uggla is it? I wouldn’t take your last name if it was Uggla.”

“So you’re really telling me you couldn’t do this? I thought you said you were good at sports.”

“Were you saying Hamilton `loves the coke’ or `loved the coke’?”

“Where’s Jeter? I thought you said he’d be there.”

“There’s another round?! Why? Enough people aren’t asleep?!”

In other news…

[Deuce of Davenport]: Now this is what we call a proper pregame warm-up

[RawSportsBlog.com]: The top 30 reasons to watch professional wrestling

[Undrafted Free Agent]: Mmmmm, the most memorable MLB manager meltdowns

[RyanSpoon.com]: The NFL is worth a whole lotta chedda

[Cleveland.com]: BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Tractor Traylor is attempting to back his way into the NBA

[Bugs & Cranks]: The MLB is stuffed full of Dicks

[With Leather]: Josh Hamilton sends em back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back (we could be here a while), back, back, back, back…

[Docksquad Sports]: LeBron James gets groovy for charity

[YepYep]: Sorry BMXers and skateboarders, but you just lost use of the term “extreme” because of these guys

[YouTube]: The only good reason to watch a loser bounce quarters into a glass

And finally, the exact opposite of Heelys.

Categories
All Other Sports

Learn to master the "Lucky Penny" and we guarantee you’ll never lose in HORSE again

A good general rule of thumb in life is that you shouldn’t believe something until you’ve seen it. But with modern technology, you can’t always be certain that what you are seeing is authentic. Pictures and videos are easily manipulated and put on the web, quickly spreading to the farthest reaches of cyberspace, creating massive confusion and bewilderment. Luckily, we have honest, stand up folks, like this guy, who go out of their way to give credibility to their amazing videos.

See more funny videos and funny pictures on CollegeHumor

OK, maybe that was doctored.

Categories
Washington Wizards

Gilbert Arenas digs Manila. Milwaukee, not so much

Agent Zero recently went on a 12-day excursion around the world, making stops in Shanghai, Beijing, Hong Kong, Manila, Berlin, Amsterdam and Barcelona. From all his blogging, it certainly appears that he had a good time. Luckily, Milwaukee wasn’t one of his destinations because Arenas loathes Milwaukee.

Richard Jefferson going to Milwaukee …. HAHAHA! Oh man, now that is funny. When I heard that, I started laughing. Oh man, did I start laughing. You know why? Because every player hates Milwaukee. Nobody wants to live in Milwaukee. I’m sorry, Milwaukee, to come down hard on you, but no one in the NBA wants to play in Milwaukee. From him going from New Jersey, actually from New York (because he lives in New York), from New York to Milwaukee is like going … let’s just say it’s not going to sit well with you. That was a funny one when I heard that one. I know Yi is happy though.

Nobody wants to live in Milwaukee? Oh, really. What about the Algonquians and the cast of Happy Days, huh? They certainly appear to enjoy it.

Links:

[Agent Zero: The Blog File]: Everybody Should Visit Manila