Categories
All Other Sports

Not so fast, Justin Gatlin



Oops

The IAFF today corrected Justin Gatlin’s 100m time to 9.77 seconds, which only ties the previous record, not breaks it. The actually time of his sprint was 9.766 seconds, which should have been rounded up to 9.77 seconds, instead of truncating it to 9.76. So now Gatlin has to share the record instead of holding it by himself, which is kinda like being married to Angelina Jolie but still have Billy Bob Thornton hanging around and ruining your good time.

Think about this. If one less goddamn butterfly flutters its wings in the amazon, Gatlin might have the record. Do you know the difference is in .006 seconds? Do you know what you can do in .006 seconds? Nothing. It probably took you more time to read .006. There, it happened again.

IAFF spokesman Nick Davies said, “Obviously we’re disappointed for Justin Gatlin but he’s talented enough to come right back and break it again.” Gee… thanks, jackass. Also, Gatlin was named the USA Track and Field Athlete of the Week for setting the 100m record. We guess they’ll have to amend that press release.

Links:
[Telegraph UK]: Timing error costs Gatlin record

Categories
All Other Sports

Dave Evans is… The Third Man

Remember when the names of the three rapists were leaked in the search warrant? Somehow, we went from Brett, Adam, and Matt, to Colin, Reade, and Dave. Team captain Dave Forker Evans (Forker?) was indicted today by a grand jury for first degree rape, first degree sexual offense and kidnapping today. He is expected to turn himself in (and get bailed out immediately) today.

Here’s a question for you. Is it sad that everyone is burnt out on this case? We never really have anything concrete to go on. Just partial DNA matches and a bunch of spin spin spin from the defense lawyers and re-election ready righteousness from the district attorney. Is it the lack of evidence, the lawyer fatigue, or simply that we want to get on with our summers and enjoy a lazy day at the ballpark.

This is the nature of scandals these days. It better get resolved quickly or we’ll move on to the next bit of gossip on who Matt Leinart is dating. When was the last time you thought about the Rick Tocchet gambling mess?

[News & Observer]: Grand jury indicts third lacrosse player

Categories
All Other Sports

Duke lacrosse case rears its ugly head again

We’ve been Duke lacrosse scandal-free for the past couple of weeks but a new development in the case has surfaced. Forensic scientists have found tissue under a fingernail of the alleged victim that was “consistent” with one of the 46 lacrosse players but ruled out a match with any of the other 45 players.

However, there was only a partial match and a DNA expert, Theodore D. Kessis, owner of Applied DNA Resources, details the odds.


It really depends then upon how partial is that profile. A lot of people are of the opinion, including myself, that if it’s supposed to test for 13, it should get 13, and something less than 13 is starting to hinge on the reliability of the result.

When you get down into the two or three partial match, you get numbers that might be 1 in 6, it might be 1 in 10, so what happens then is the question of what’s the probative value of the report. … People play the lottery on worse odds.

Sources also said that the DNA pattern was consistent with the mysterious “third person” that the dancer was only able to identify with 90 percent accuracy. Also a male pubic hair was linked to the case. We believe the legal term for this is… Ruh Roh Raggy.

Links:
[Herald Sun]: First DNA link possible in lacrosse case
[News & Observer]: The cabbie who was the alibi for Colin Finnerty arrested for previous misdemeanor.
[NBC17]: Duke Official: Rape Report Based On Overheard Conversation

Categories
All Other Sports

The key to picking up chicks is texting



This is my texting finger

We have no idea who Shane Warne is but apparently, he is the cricket world’s answer to Wilt Chamberlain. His method of seduction? Heavy texting.

Last year, during a split with his wife as a result of a previous affair, he was caught cheating again having sex with a woman on the hood of his BMW. Of course a “friend” of the woman’s found her cell phone and released all the dirty text messages that Warne had sent her. He actually comes off as rather desperate for a professional athlete.

On Sunday, he was at it again. This time, a British tabloid (do they have regular newspapers in Britain?) released more text messages and photos of his three-way with two models, Emma Kearney and Coralie Eichholtz. Coralie was also the model who punched out Cameron Diaz for stepping on her dress. Is there anything this girl won’t do for publicity?


Shane blew our minds. He was so fit. I’d give him top marks for more than satisfying us. He was talking dirty all the time. It was full-on, hardcore and we had a great time. In the trouser department, he was above average.

Dammit, just once we’d like someone to say that about us. How much would that cost?

Links:

[IBNLive]: Caught out! Shane sex romp taped
[News of the world]: Photo Slideshow (NSFW)

[Mirror.co.uk]: SHANE’S AT IT AGAIN

Categories
All Other Sports

Your surefire triple-word-score Kentucky Derby picks



Bob and John is our Derby pick

OK. So the “theory of scrabbletivity” didn’t work for the Super Bowl. (Or perhaps it would have if not for the Seahawks getting jobbed by Bill Leavy… not that we’re still bitter about that or anything.) We think the TOS has to work for something, so why not the Kentucky Derby? After all, all the experts end up being wrong about 1000% of the time.

Here you go folks. When you win the Superfecta, make sure you send us a tip.

Win: Bob and John (15-1)
Place: Sweetnorthernsaint (8-1)
Show: Steppenwolfer (35-1)
Um.. whatever comes after Show: Brother Derek (9-2)

Here’s the full list:

Horse Odds Scrabble Word score
Bob and John 15-1 25
Sweetnorthernsaint 8-1 24
Steppenwolfer 35-1 23
Brother Derek 9-2 22
Point Determined 15-1 21
Jazil 35-1 21
Keyed Entry 40-1 21
Cause to Believe 50-1 21
Private Vow 50-1 21
Deputy Glitters 100-1 21
Flashy Bull 125-1 21
Sharp Humor 40-1 20
Sinister Minister 18-1 18
Showing Up 30-1 18
Bluegrass Cat 40-1 17
Lawyer Ron 6-1 15
Storm Treasure 60-1 15
Seaside Retreat 200-1 15
A.P. Warrior 18-1 14
Barbaro 7-1 11

Categories
All Other Sports

This video makes us want to head down to Yancy’s

This video of Raymond van Barneveld throwing a perfect nine dart finish during a competition is so exciting that we forget it’s darts. For those of you not in the know (and we assume that’s all of you), a nine dart finish is getting 501 points using only…well, nine darts. The darting equivalent to a 300 game in bowling. We’ll let Wikipedia explain it to you.

The best part about this clip is that the announcer goes looney tunes as he gets closer and closer to the perfect game. You see that, Kevin Harlan? The announcer gets excited for things that are actually exciting. Not just ballboys mopping up the sweat after a dunk, you loud, obnoxious, no-talent hack! Sorry, got sidetracked there. Anyway, enjoy the video and then head down to the local pub for the afternoon.

Categories
All Other Sports

Duke lacrosse scandal update: bad luck or no imagination?

The dancer who accused the three Duke lacrosse players had previously accused 3 other men of rape 10 years ago but then backed off her story and the case was never pursued.


The woman’s father said Thursday his daughter was not raped in the 1996 incident.

The father said his daughter was held against her will by a group of men who had picked her up from school in Durham and drove her to Creedmoor. She was not sexually assaulted or injured in the encounter, he said, and she was returned home safely the same day.

This revelation, of course, has the Duke lax lawyers in full shark mode.

It certainly raises substantial questions about this woman’s credibility,” Cheshire said. “It’s awfully bothersome when both allegations of rape include three men. It gives one a lot of pause about her credibility. … This is a train off the track.

Like we said before, this is like a heavyweight title bout. This round goes to the lacrosse lawyers.

Links:
[News & Observer]: The woman who says she was raped by three Duke lacrose players had a previous case
[MSNBC]: Duke accuser alleged rape 13 years ago

Categories
All Other Sports

Duke Lacrosse Update: taxicab confessions

A cab driver has reported that he picked up Reade Seligmann the night of the party and and he seemed calm and jovial. Defense attorneys say that cell phone records and an ATM record show that Seligmann wasn’t at the party at the time of a alleged rape, that is, if you believe the timeline offered by the players and their time stamped photographs. (Because you know, we always set our cameras to the correct time… ALWAYS.)

According to the cab driver, he picked up two men, one of them Seligmann, took them to a bank and hamburger joint, and then dropped them off at a Duke dormitory. However, the cab driver also reported that he picked up another lacrosse player later and that player seemed to be mad at the stripper. We’ll refrain from posting his quote because it’s not exactly admissible in a court of law, or so we’ve learned from watching Jack McCoy for years. So it seems Mr. Seligmann has an alibi, what about Mr. Finnerty?

The problem with this case is that now everyone is now an expert. The media will interview anyone even remotely associated with the team to get their reactions. Parents — sure we understand that but they’ll take any statements from ex-teammates as well. Did you know that Chris Gumiela, a football teammate of Duke co-captain Dan Flannery, and currently hundreds of miles away at Penn, doesn’t believe the dancer’s allegations and thinks that DA Mike Nifong is trying to revive a faltering investigation?

He’s got to get three; otherwise there’s a big hole in his case. It doesn’t look good for the case; it doesn’t look good for him to charge only two players.

Hey, let’s just call the whole thing off… ’cause you know, ex-teammates have such a strong bond that Chris Gumiella was practically there.

Stay tuned, readers, next week, we’re interviewing the former kindergarten teacher of Collin Finnerty to ascertain his innocence.

Links:
[Yahoo]: Cabbie: Indicted lacrosse player behaved normally, later passenger talked about stripper
[News & Observer]: New tension cloaks team

Categories
All Other Sports

Duke lacrosse scandal: two players arrested



“No Entry”… nice touch

The Duke lacrosse rape case has been like an ESPN instant classic, going back and forth in shifts in momentum between the two sides. For a week, public sentiment was on the side of the Duke players after DNA tests came up negative and a report that the police officer who found the accuser described her as ‘passed-out drunk’, further giving credence to the lax players’ assertion that the woman was already intoxicated when she arrived at the house. Things were looking good for the lacrosse players until early this morning, when two players, Reade Seligmann and Collin Finnerty were charged and arrested in connection to the rape. District Attorney Mike Nifong is collecting evidence for a third arrest, which means there’s a player out there who is peeing his pants.

Of course, the lawyer for Finnerty has maintained both players’ innoncence.


The (grand) jury only heard one side of the story. They almost always indict. The next jury will hear the entire story, which will include our evidence. We’re confident that these young men will be found innocent.

If you’re wondering where you’ve heard the name Colin Finnerty before, it’s because he’s already in trouble in D.C. for attacking a man and calling him gay. Oh, and before Duke takes it down, check out Colin’s personal page on the Duke website. Insert your own joke about Duke lacrosse players and cloning.

In a related development, the second dancer gave a silhouetted television interview on MSNBC where she said the alleged victim was coherent and not intoxicated when they first arrived at the house but upon leaving an hour later, “She couldn’t really walk on her own. She really couldn’t get her thoughts together enough to answer any questions. … She was a different person than I met at the beginning.” She also identified herself as the person who called 911 and pretended to be a pass-by who some of the players yelled the N word at.

We’ll keep you updated as this story develops but for now, here’s some of the reaction around the blogosphere:

[Liberally Conservative]: “What these irresponsible media outlets do is create guilt before a regular court trial commences, as they try the cases on national television. The person making allegations, the prosecutors seeking public approval get the benefit while the real victims are the person(s) charged with the alleged crime. They are guilty before having the opportunity to prove their innocence. This is due process, a constitutional right.”

[Plum Crazy]: “(Because Kids Never Lie to Their Parents) Well, I’m convinced the Duke Lacrosse team is innocent of all charges after reading comments from the father of one of the players.”

[The Passion of the Zanfardino]: “The DA in the Duke Lacrosse thing should be ashamed of himself. He granted 70+ interviews when the case first broke, all proclaiming that the complainant had been raped. For him to suddenly, upon hearing that no DNA evidence came back either on the victim, her clothing, or belongings, proclaim that the defense attorneys were talking too much is ludicrous. Ideally, of course, both sides would have stayed quiet.”

[Right in the Lumberyard]: “Jessie Jackson and anyone else stirring up the local populace, have already condemned the whole team, and not necessarily of rape. They’ve condemned them of being priveleged and white and if we can get a real crime in there along with that, all the better, but dammit, they need to be punished. They aren’t interested in justice. They want people sacrificed.”

Links:
[MSNBC]: 2 Duke lacrosse players arrested in rape case
[News & Observer]: Two arrests made in Duke lacrosse case

Categories
All Other Sports

Duke lacrosse loses recruits but at least T-shirt sales are up

Duke University has decided to free next year’s recruits from the letters of intent because of the recent rape scandal. Four incoming players have already decided to go elsewhere, and who could blame them. However the scandal turns out, it’s probably not a good time to be on the Duke lacrosse team even if they are exonerated. They’ll be scrutinized for every little thing next year and life isn’t going to be the party it once was.

On the bright side, (because there is always a bright side… unless you’re a Phillies fan) the Duke lax T-shirts are jumping off the shelves at the university store. Either people are showing support for the lacrosse team or it’s the Ironic T-Shirt du jour.

Links:
[Newsday]: Duke recruits freed from commitments
[Durham Herald Sun]: Duke T-shirts selling like hotcakes.