Don’t f**k with the Gluck!
While we love traditional sports like baseball, football, hockey and basketball, we also love to get out and hunt down those underground `extreme’ sports that are taking the country by storm. Of course, by extreme we mean total wastes of energy.
We’ve shown you extreme backjumping, ferrett legging, Japanese pen spinning, ultimate Frisbee and the National Xtreme Baseball League, but our absolute favorite (and by favorite we mean most disturbing) is finger jousting. However, we quickly learned that the only things stranger than some of these whacky sports are the even whackier people behind these whacky sports. Like Julian R. Gluck, aka The Lord of the Joust. Gluck is the president of the World Finger Jousting Federation and is exactly the kind of loser that takes his ridiculous “sport” and himself way, way too seriously.
Dear Sports Column:
I have to say that I found your article on finger jousting entitled “Those who can’t play real sports turn to ‘finger jousting’ for excitement” very interesting: about as interesting as watching a Hoover Vacuum Commercial except your article sucks more, is free, and unlike the commercial your article has no novelty value; kind of like a pet rock that’s been chiseled into the likeness of Steven Segal.
I heard public school systems are now using your article in Sex Education classes as a contraceptive instead of abstinence, because your article has a better chance of making a person unexcited and flaccid than wearing x-ray glasses while watching the Gilmore Girls, and friends can makes fun of students for being abstinent but not for reading your article.
Oh, but Gluck is so much more than just a blabbering fool with a dull tongue. See, his efforts are actually changing lives or so he says. By his account, finger jousting, which is “inherently of a higher value and original substance,” has the ability to virtually stop the war in Iraq. And don’t forget for a second who’s at the heart of this.
organization with myself doing around 95% of everything. Considering that I started this venture at fourteen years of age, and it has grown significantly larger and has been able to help out with these charities and make a positive impact in the lives of some kids, I think that’s something pretty important.
Listen, if you want to trick yourself into believing that holding hands and trying to poke each other is a meaningful cause then have it. Everybody needs something to believe in, regardless of how ridiculous it is. Just don’t expect us to fall for the “inherently high value and substance” line of B.S. that you’re dishing out. You’re no humanitarian and this stupid gimmick is no vehicle for “making a positive impact.” Call it what it is, thumb wrestling 2.0.
5 replies on “Hey, finger jousters of America, we’ve got a finger for ya’”
Finger Jousting — arriving late to the game here, but surely you’ve received your share of ” I did a lot of finger-jousting in high school, but it looked nothing like this” type jokes, no?
if not, here’s one: ” I finger-jousted your mother.”
dumb ass — I suppose you’d rather rub Brady Quinn’s hair than finger joust, considering it made the front page.
Listen, you can put whatever the fu*k you want on your site, but seriously, at least make it sound legimiate and not something that a 1st grader wrote.
you must have better things to do with your fingers…like have them in your mom’s pus*y
Ridiculous? — So tell me, just what makes finger jousting any more ridiculous than baseball, basketball, football, or hockey? There is no reasoning or logic or, for that matter, any support for your arguement that finger jousting is ridiculous, which are essential aspects for an article. Therefore, seeing that all of the mentioned aspects are absent, your article sucks. If all you have to do with your life is to hunt down certain people and make fun of them, then that is ridiculous, and you all need to get a life.
Finger Jousting — Did you write this article because it was your job or because you have no life? Because if it’s your job you need to quit and if you have no life you might consider trying to finger joust because I’m sure someone like you wouldn’t even have a strong enough arm to be able to do it. Furthermore Julian Gluck is not a loser. When he has nothing to do, he uses that time to make something happen, like finger jousting. You might want to try and be more like him. And never ever try to ridicule Finger Jousting again dumbass
who writes this crap? —
I normally find good articles on this site but this one just has no good reason to exist. The rhetoric is terrible, the humor is unwitty to say the least, and I personally Mr.Gluck’s comeback response was many more times entertaining than the article. If anything, this article did nothing more that make me marvel at how well illiterates can function in todays society. I belive mr.Gluck is genuine in his claims as every member of “fingerjoust.com” has claimed mr.Gluck to be highly intelligent, however short in stature, and a very good, upstanding individual. And at such a young age, I belive the writer certainly MUST have better things to do than bash high school boys with distasteful “finger” puns. I give this article one finger, out of five. (pun absolutely intended)