New York Giants

We know about hairy palms, but what causes purple palms?

New York Giants tight end Jeremy Shockey just got punk’d. But don’t expect him to be appearing with that douche Ashton Kutcher on MTV anytime soon because this prank wasn’t some elaborate scheme concocted the notorious MILFaholic. Nope, this was an inside job and Shockey is determined to get to the bottom of it.

The crap hit the fan after Tuesday’s practice when Shockey went to sign some autographs and when he pulled off his gloves his left hand was stained purple with dye that banks use to mark money. The embarrassment of the stain should last for days, but that’s nothing compared to the eternal embarrassment Shockey lives with daily. Nevertheless, he was pissed.

Dead man walking,” he warned

Apparently, guard Rich Seubert is the resident prankster and while all the fingers are pointing directly at him, he swears up and down that he had nothing to do with the glove conspiracy.

Everyone thinks it’s me,” said Seubert, who offered “a cash reward” to anyone who revealed the mastermind behind the purple hand. “I think it was the ballboys. They’re all getting dumped in the cold tub.


[]: Prankster has Jeremy in rage

San Francisco Giants

Playboy makes life it a little more crappy for Barry Bonds

Talk about bittersweet; Barry Bonds is on the verge of breaking the all-time home run record and not only does he have to deal with steroid induced legitimacy issues and the impending boos that will rain down should he break the record on the road, but now he has to deal with a naked, big mouthed mistress.

Kimberly Bell’s nude spread and interview regarding the two’s relationship during 2005 when a grand jury began investigating perjury allegations will appear in Playboy next month.

The opportunity was there, and I took it,” she told The Associated Press in a phone interview Monday. The photo shoot “was one of the most liberating experiences of my life.

In addition to being “liberating,” Bell’s shoot with Playboy has got to be pretty darn financially rewarding as well. Although, Bell declined to reveal the number of zeros it took to get her naked. And we’re hoping that when the magazine hits the shelves on October 1, it will be pretty darn entertaining too, with stuff like:

He was very envious of Mark McGwire,” she said from her San Jose home. “He never said that was the reason, but I know it was.


If I had more self-esteem when I was younger,” she said, “I wouldn’t have been caught up with such a rotten man.

Keep it up Kim; now say something about his abnormally large head! Please!!


[]: Bonds’ gal pal in Playboy

San Francisco Giants

The Full Count: Bonds keeps creeping closer

1. 753: Before Thursday’s game, Barry Bonds was in a slump that included no hits since July 6 and no homers since July 3. Then he broke out of his slump in the biggest way possible, with his best game of the season. Bonds smacked two homers, giving him 753 for his career. He also went 3-3 with three runs and six RBIs. Now he is so close to the record, we can start to predict when he might break it. If this is the start of a nice streak for Bonds, then he should hit 756 next week at home against the Braves or Marlins. If he starts to struggle again, it might take until mid-August. Regardless of when the record is broken, it’s impossible to deny it will happen soon after Thursday’s performance. But no matter what happens, the Giants are still awful. They lost 9-8 to the Cubs despite Barry’s effort, putting them at 1-6 since the All Star break. They now have the National League’s worst record at 39-54. The Giants will travel to Milwaukee over the weekend.

2. Chris Young for Cy Young: After San Diego starter Chris Young’s superb 2006 season, many baseball experts said he would not nearly as successful this year. He’s proven them all wrong with a simply unbelievable year. Young pitched seven shutout innings on Thursday, lowering his ERA to a league-leading 1.85. It was Young’s sixth scoreless effort in his last nine starts. He also leads the league in WHIP (1.00), opponent’s batting average (.187), and opponent’s OPS (.531). He has dominated ridiculously at home, with a 0.73 ERA and five earned runs in 62 innings. Though few have heard of him, Chris Young (at this point) absolutely deserves the NL Cy Young.

3. Ace is Out: The Cardinals’ struggles will continue for the foreseeable future, as their ace, Chris Carpenter, will not return to the rotation until mid-2008. That’s because he will undergo Tommy John surgery to repair his elbow ligament. Without Carpenter, the St. Louis starters cannot be good enough to carry the team to the playoffs. They will have to wait until 2009 at the earliest to see postseason action again, most likely. Carpenter had 51 wins from 2004-06, ranking third in the majors, according to

Player of the Day: Barry Bonds, Giants: 3-3, 3 runs, 2 HRs (19, 753), 6 RBIs in a 9-8 loss to the Cubs.

MLB General

The Full Count: Barry inching closer

The crawl to Aaron continues: Barry Bonds hit no. 751 on Tuesday against the Reds, a first inning blast off Aaron Harang into the right-centerfield seats. The Giants lost the game 7-3, and Bonds made sure to backhand his teammates by saying, “I’m playing pretty good for an old guy. I just wish we were playing better as a team.” That’s our Barry, always making nice. What made this game interesting was that it was the first time in over 30 years in which two players with that many homeruns played in the same game. Bonds (751) and Ken Griffey Jr’s (585) 1,336 homers are the third-most all-time between two players in the same game.

The players might have liked you, but I think you suck. We believe those were the words Rockies’ manager Clint Hurdle used when taking the closer’s job away from Brian Fuentes. Fuentes had already sewn up his third straight selection to the NL All-Star team before blowing four consecutive save opportunities, the first time anyone has done that in almost 20 years. Fuentes was one of the best closers in the league before melting in games against the Blue Jays, Cubs and Astros, with his ERA jumping from 1.89 to 4.17. He probably won’t lose the job permanantely, but Hurdle now plans on using the dreaded “bullpen by committee” approach.

Rookie what we have here Although his name may sound more like a NASCAR driver than a baseball player, Houston rookie Hunter Pence has been tearing it up for the Astros. Pence has been doing it all for Houston, including hitting a walk-off homerun for a 5-4 victory over the Phillies last night. It was the third time during their homestand that an Astro has sent ’em home happy with a game-winning homer. Since being called up on April 28th, the Fort Worth, TX product has hit 10 homeruns with 39 RBI while leading the Astros with a .345 batting average. He’s even outslugging Carlos Lee .590 to .517. He’s also playing a remarkable centerfield, as evidenced by his ridiculous catch off a Ryan Howard shot in the eigth inning. Pence climbed that stupid Tal’s Hill and caught the ball right next to the waiting-to-kill-somebody flagpole, 436 feet from home.

Player of the day: Brad Wilkerson, Rangers. 3-4, 3 HR, 6 RBI in an 8-3 win over the Angels.

Honorable Mention Player(s) of the day: The Kansas City Royals entire starting lineup. The Royals are a team that has never gotten a lot of respect offensively, but when they beat a team, they beat them like they stole something. For the third time in a month, the Royals put a 17 spot on the board –all in home games– by pounding the Mariners 17-3. 21-year-old Billy Butler led the way, driving in six runs by the second inning. The Royals beat the Phillies 17-5 on June 10th and the Cardinals 17-8 on June 14th. They also lost a 17-3 game to Oakland at home on May 10th.

New York Giants

Strahan is not gay

Well this little piece of news from the NY Post isn’t going to help those Michael Strahan is gay jokes:

Giants defensive end Michael Strahan put himself on the charity auction block the other night at Buddha Bar’s first anniversary. He hoped to get a date with a lady, but the male sports fans in the crowd weren’t having it. Two guys outbid 13 gals, leaving Strahan to agree to take both men to dinner for the price of $10,000 each. The dough will go to the Institute for Civic Leadership, a nonprofit educational organization.

Now, we know that Strahan probably isn’t gay and that it was just a vindictive ex-wife talking but it’s still pretty funny that he’d put himself in a charity bachelor auction and end up with two dudes as dinner dates. See? This is what you get for trying to help charities.

[Page Six]: MEN FOR MIKE

All Other Sports

Odds and Ends: Horses get accused of being juiced

We always knew that Seabiscuit was full of crap.

First it was limited to the world of bicycling and Lance Armstrong, then it hopped over to baseball with Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Jose Conseco and Barry Bonds to mention a few. And now we can’t even enjoy coverage of the Kentucky Derby without having to endure a bunch of conspiracy theories involving the purity of blood cells and muscle density. All the horses will be drug tested prior to the race in order to uphold the integrity of the event. Apparently, Barbaro wrote a book before his death that exposed some of the other horses as being users of enhancing substances.

In other news…

[ESPN]: When it comes to golf, Derek Jeter is no Ryan Longwell.

[Yahoo]: “Naked man superglued to exercise bike during heist.” Ummm… ok.

[]: Barry Bonds isn’t the only Giant with a drug problem. Wonder if they shared needles?

[Yahoo Sports]: Tractor Traylor’s cousin was a bad man. A rich man, but a bad man.

[Larry Brown Sports]: Please fire Scott Van Pelt. Please fire Scott Van Pelt. Please fire Scott Van Pelt…

[]: The Juice finds time during his hunt for the real killer to enjoy a day at the track.

And finally, for all you house hunters out there, 50 Cent’s 52-room mansion in Connecticut is up for sale. 50 bought the house, which used to be owned by Mike Tyson, for $4.1 million in 2003 and has since spent around $6 million to pimp his crib. According to the agent who was listing the house when Iron Mike was there, “He’s put a lot into it, and it’s all very tasteful, except the stripper poles.”

San Francisco Giants

Joe Buck paints a picture of Bond’s record breaker

Joe Buck was on the Dan Patrick Show earlier this week and, inevitably, the topic of Barry Bonds and his 756th homer surfaced. Patrick lobbed Buck a potential long ball when he asked the distinctly recognizable voice of the MLB to describe exactly how he would make the call if he were on the mic when Bonds passed Hank Aaron for the all-time home run record.

For some reason, we don’t think that Buck is real thrilled about the idea of Bonds moving up the ladder. Perhaps it’s the way Buck had Bonds foul a pair of balls off his stick before he finally goes yard. Or maybe it was the less than enthusiastic “Yea, Barry Bonds is the new home run king.” You can just imagine the uninterested Buck looking through the funny pages of the day’s paper and sipping on a cup of coffee while he makes the call.

MLB General

The Full Count: Almost Perfect — 27 up, 27 down

1. Surprise of the Year: Mark Buehrle of the Chicago White Sox strugged enormously the second half of last year and wasn’t so great in his first two starts of 2007. But, in a surprising performance to say the least, he tossed a no-hitter against the Rangers, a good-hitting team. Buehrle went the distance ans was only one walk shy of perfection. He struck out 8 and picked off the only baserunner he allowed. The no-no was the 16th in White Sox history but their first since 1991. On the offensive side, Jim Thome hit two homers and Jermaine Dye had a grand slam to supply all of the White Sox’s 6 runs. Another major league pitcher, the Mets’ John Maine, went into the seventh inning with a no-hitter going as well. Maine and the Mets disposed of the Marlins, 9-2.

2. Worst team in the league: Many would be surprised to find that the worst team in the entire majors is the Philadelphia Phillies so far this year. They fell to 3-10 after a loss to the terrible Nationals in 13 innings on Wednesday. Nothing has gone well for the Phils this season. Ryan Howard and Chase Utley, their two best offensive players, are hitting under .230. Brett Myers was so bad as a starting pitcher that they moved him to the bullpen. Absolutely nothing has gone right for the Phillies, except for Jimmy Rollins’ surprising power.

3. Star Power: Albert Pujols and Barry Bonds faced each other on Wednesday,. and they both showed why they are two of the game’s most feared hitters. Pujols, who has been struggling, hit his fourth homer of the season and increased his average 40 points via three hits. Bonds, meanwhile, hit a solo homer in the eighth to tie the game, which the Giants eventually won in 12 innings. The Bonds homer was his fourth of the year, and number 738 on his career. He’s had a fantastic start to the season, and ranks first in the NL in slugging and OPS.

Player of the Day: Mark Buehrle, White Sox: 9 innings, no-hitter, 8 strikeouts.

Walk Off: Ryan on Poor Man’s PTI had a great idea: the best snub ever for a sports editor on a major newspaper would be to bury the story to a blurb when Barry breaks Hank Aaron’s record (by now, it’s inevitable) next to some story about womens water polo or something. “And in other news, Barry Bonds breaks Hank Aaron’s Home Run Record.”

MLB General

The Full Count: Go ahead and ask Barry (Zito)

1. 18 million dollar man: Barry Zito, who is making $18 million a year as part of his new contract with the Giants. In his first two starts he looked like a terrible investment, but on Monday he showed he could still be an ace. Zito shut down the Rockies lineup at Coors Field with a 6-inning, 3-hit, no-run performance. He got his first win of the season as the Giants dominated 8-0. San Francisco’s offense helped out too with two homeruns and a 4-5 performance from Omar Visquel. The Giants are still last in the NL West at 4-7.

2. Who wants the West?: The NL West division is up for grabs this week as its top two teams play: the LA Dodgers and the Arizona Diamondbacks. On Monday the Dodgers took a half-game lead in the division as they won 5-1. Brad Penny improved to 3-0 in seven solid innings. His ERA is 0.89 in three starts, and he’s pitching even better than last year, when he started the All Star game. Nomar Garciaparra led the offense with his first homerun of the year and two RBIs. Unfortunately this series is only a two-gamer, with the finale Tuesday that will decide who leads the division, at least for a day.

3. Beckett is Back: Josh Beckett was shaky last year, his first in the American League. But so far this season, he has regained his 2003 form, when he led the Marlins to a World Series. Beckett improved to 3-0 as his Red Sox topped the Angels 7-2 on Monday. He pitched 6 innings and allowed only one run, which kept his ERA at 1.50 in three starts. Also, the Red Sox’s David Ortiz has broken out of a start-of-the-season slump with three multi-hit games in a row, including two straight with a homerun. Manny Ramirez hasn’t hit a homer yet this season, though he did have two RBIs yesterday. The Sox lead their division by a half-game over the Blue Jays at 7-4.

Player of the Day: Pudge Rodriguez, Tigers: 2-5, grand slam, 6 RBIs in a 12-5 win over the Royals.

Walk Off: Two strong starts by a pitcher could be an anomaly. But three in a row to start the season could mean a breakout performance. There are four pitchers who struggled last year that will make the All Star game this year, at least based on what we’ve seen so far. Tim Hudson, Jake Peavy, Penny, and Beckett all seem to have shrugged off the difficulties that gave them 4.00+ ERAs last year. They are all great fantasy players who I would trade for if I needed pitching. Other pitchers who have surprised so far are Nate Robertson, Rich Hill, Ian Snell, and Chuck James. I think all of these pitchers will keep their ERA below 4.00, win at least 12-to-14 games, and be considered aces going into next year.

New York Giants

Bling bling, bang bang

The NFL is a game of yards but on Wednesday night, New York Giants linebacker Brandon Short was involved in a scary situation in which inches meant the difference between life and death.

While shopping for some new bling in a Greenwich Village jewelry store, a pair of officers rushed past Short as gun shots began to ring out from down the street. Eventually a gun battle would erupt between gunman David Garvin and police right next door to the jewelry store where Short was now out of sight on the floor. By the time the whole situation was over it took police 56 shots to bring down the semiautomatic wielding nut job who killed three during his spree, including the two officers Short had seen earlier.

I was fearful for my life,” said Short. “There were bullets flying everywhere.” He went on to say, “It was a crowded street in Manhattan. Some people were running through restaurants, running down alleys to get away.” It’s a miracle that no bullets actually went through the window.

Obviously this would have been a terrifying situation for anybody, except maybe Pacman Jones who currently averages at least one near death experience per week.