Categories
College Football

Jim Bob Cooter suspended for DUI

Athlete DUIs are a dime a dozen these days. But this arrest gets special mention because the guy’s name is Jim Bob Cooter. Jim Bob was driving through Knoxville when he was spotted by the police rolling through a stop sign followed by crossing the center line and driving on the wrong side of the road.

After failing three field sobriety tests, he was charged with first offense DUI and taken to the police station. His breathalyzer came out at .19, more than double the Tennessee limit of .08.

Since Jim Bob is a backup QB, this really doesn’t affect the team at all… which is why Tennessee Coach Phillip Fulmer put his foot down and suspended Cooter for the season opener against Cal. In order to get back on the team, Jim Bob would need to undergo extensive alcohol evaluation and adhere to certain internal requirements. We assume some of those requirements are not to get shitfaced, don’t provide alcohol to minors, and don’t drive drunk.

Links:
[Tennessee.com]: Vols’ Cooter suspended after weekend arrest

Categories
General Sports

Be very afraid: Scientology is coming to NASCAR

Dear redneck… er… racing fan,

Do you suffer from addictions, arthritis, depression, learning disabilities, mental illness, cancer, or homosexuality? Well, then come on out to the racetrack this SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY! Dianetics will be there to give you a FREE personality test!

While watching cars zoom by and going round and round in circles, we’ll make sure your head spins in circles with all the crap we’re going to brainwash you with! Did you know that driver Kenton Gray credits L. Ron Hubbard’s teachings with making him a good driver? Did you know that through `Dianetics’ he’s handled stress and increased his performance and ability to compete–both on the track and in his life? Well, we can help you too!

First, watch the “Ignite Your Potential” car make a left turn, then another left turn, and another left turn… and if you are still with us, then congratulations! You’re ready for step 2, the assist. We’ll have our helpers around to give you a massage to take the stress off from all that neck craning and exhaust fume inhalation! Before you know it, you’ll be privy to the SECRET TEACHINGS where you’ll learn how the Lord Xenu came to earth 75 million years ago, brought billions of people and put them in volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen bombs. Their wayward souls are the reason so much is wrong with your life! It’s not because you don’t have your high school diploma and don’t wake up before 2:00 PM. It’s not that at all. It’s because of the DARK LORD XENU’S evil souls!

But that’s not all! You know those 8 children you plan on having in the double-wide? Well you can learn how to have them during SILENT BIRTH! Just like Tom and Katie did! So, what do you have to lose? (We require a small donation for each level of Scientology that you achieve.) Come join the SCIENTOLOGY/NASCAR event TODAY!

[MSNBC]: Scientology revs up to join NASCAR circuit
[You Tube]: South Park – the history of Xenu

[Wikipedia]: Scientology

Categories
MLB General

The Full Count: No no-no

1. Denied again: Chris Young was twice denied a no-hitter in two excellent opportunities last week, and on Monday it was Carlos Zambrano’s turn. Zambrano, one of the majors’ most underrated pitchers, allowed no hits to the Houston Astros through seven innings. Then Preston Wilson broke up the chance at history, but the Cubs still won 8-0. The Cubs haven’t had a no-hitter since 1972, and this was likely the closest shot they’ll get in a while. Zambrano not only pitched excellently, but also homered and drove in four runs. The Cubs used two other homers to complete their rout of Houston.

2. Blasted away: The first game of the Red Sox-Yankees series could have developed into a pitcher’s duel, with Beckett vs. Mussina being the matchup. But the Yankees offense didn’t let that happen, scoring 8 runs in the first two innings and 13 in the first three. Beckett was removed after allowing 8 runs and only recording 4 outs. Jason Giambi and Andy Phillips both hit three-run shots in the second off Beckett to break the game open. Despite Derek Jeter not playing and sluggers Hideki Matsui and Gary Sheffield being on the DL, the Yankees offense rolled to their 12th straight game with at least 10 hits. That breaks their former franchise record. New York starter Mike Mussina didn’t have his best performance, allowing 4 runs in six innings, but he did strike out 8 and improved his record to 8-1 on the season. The two teams are virtually tied for first place now.

3. Around the world: Ken Griffey has been a great power hitter for a long time, and on Monday night he set another record. Griffey tied Fred McGriff for the most stadiums to homer in with 43. He has rounded the bases in every active major league park now. But that wasn’t even Griffey’s most memorable homerun of the night. That came when he hit a game-winning shot off of Jason Isringhausen. The 9th-inning homerun gave Cincinnati an 8-7 win, snapping a 5-game losing streak. St. Louis is now only two games ahead of the Reds in the NL Central.

4. Ready to roll: Roger Clemens is pitching again, but it’s not for a major league team. Clemens, who will take a few rehab starts before his return to the Houston Astros, will pitch tonight for the Lexington Legends. His son, Koby, will play third base for the Legends as the take on the Lake County Captains. This will obviously be the most anticipated game in Legends history, as seats were sold out hours after becoming available. Clemens will make two more minor league starts before his anticipated return on June 22.

5. On the clock: The Kansas City Royals need all the help they can get, and they will have an opportunity to nab a top prospect in tonight’s draft. The Royals, who have the number 1 pick, are projected to take pitcher Luke Hochevar in this mock draft. North Carolina standout starter Andrew Miller is considered the top talent in the draft, but the Royals won’t be able to afford his contract. Not many other teams could either, as Miller is projected to #11 (Arizona). The baseball draft is always a hit-or-miss extravaganza, as some #1 picks never make the majors while others become superstars.

Categories
NHL General

Maggie the Monkey picks the Edmonton Oilers



2-0 in the conference finals

The NHL finals start tonight and Maggie the Monkey has picked the Oilers to win it all. Vegas (and most of the media) has the Hurricanes at -140 favorites but don’t let that fool you. Maggie was 2-0 in the conference finals and the only TSN expert to pick the Oilers. The TSN guys have learned their lesson and are going to Maggie’s pick as well.

Don’t doubt the monkey.

[TSN.ca]: Monkey Business 2006

Categories
Soccer

Do you know who Ronaldo is?

The World Cup is almost here folks and we’re trying to figure out how Brazil could possibly lose this thing. Last week we highlighted Ronaldinho, considered the best player in the world if not in history. But Brazil also has the previous best player in the world and hero of the 2002 World Cup, Ronaldo. (Not to be confused with Cristiano Ronaldo, the Portugese soccer player.) Watching Ronaldo and Ronaldinho carve up defenses will be the major draw of soccer for the Americans this year if the US team don’t advance deep into the tournament. Here are some highlights of Ronaldo aka The Phenomenon.

Categories
MLB General

MLB Cost Index for Mon June 5 2006

[The MLB Cost Index is a calculation of the amount each team pays for a win and the efficiency of the payroll that the GM has put together.]

Once the darlings and “great chance to repeat” team of baseball, the White Sox have fallen on rough times. 3-7 in their last ten has dropped them a few slots in the Cost Index. Of course, you’d still rather be a White Sox fan than a Cubs fan when it comes to payroll efficiency.. and recent championships.

** all $ are in millions.

Rank (Pv) Team 2006 Payroll GP Wins YTD Payroll Cost/Win
1 (1) Marlins $15.0 54 20 $5.00 $0.25
2 (2) Rockies $41.1 56 27 $14.22 $0.53
3 (3) Devil Rays $35.4 57 23 $12.46 $0.54
4 (4) D’backs $59.2 56 34 $20.47 $0.60
5 (5) Reds $59.5 56 32 $20.56 $0.64
6 (9) Pirates $40.2 57 21 $14.16 $0.67
7 (7) Indians $56.8 56 28 $19.63 $0.70
8 (10) Rangers $65.5 56 30 $22.63 $0.75
9 (6) Brewers $56.8 57 26 $19.98 $0.77
10 (8) Tigers $82.3 57 37 $28.96 $0.78
11 (11) Blue Jays $71.9 55 31 $24.42 $0.79
12 (13) Padres $69.7 56 30 $24.10 $0.80
13 (14) A’s $62.3 57 27 $21.93 $0.81
14 (12) Cardinals $88.4 56 35 $30.57 $0.87
15 (15) Twins $63.8 56 25 $22.06 $0.88
16 (17) Nationals $63.3 57 25 $22.26 $0.89
17 (18) Orioles $72.6 57 26 $25.54 $0.98
18 (19) Mets $100.9 55 33 $34.26 $1.04
19 (16) White Sox $102.9 56 34 $35.56 $1.05
20 (20) Phillies $88.3 56 29 $30.51 $1.05
21 (23) Giants $90.9 56 29 $31.41 $1.08
22 (21) Dodgers $99.2 57 32 $34.90 $1.09
23 (25) Royals $47.3 54 14 $15.76 $1.13
24 (22) Braves $92.5 57 28 $32.53 $1.16
25 (24) Astros $92.6 57 27 $32.56 $1.21
26 (26) Red Sox $120.1 54 33 $40.03 $1.21
27 (27) Mariners $88.3 58 25 $31.62 $1.26
28 (28) Angels $103.6 56 25 $35.82 $1.43
29 (29) Cubs $94.8 55 22 $32.20 $1.46
30 (30) Yankees $198.7 55 33 $67.45 $2.04

Categories
MLB General

The Full Count: Pujols on the DL


1. No more 73?: Because of Albert Pujols’ torrid pace, many predicted that he would break the all-time homerun or RBI records, or at least have a monster season. He still might have the latter, but the first two are out of the question as he was put on the 15-day DL. Pujols suffered an injury to his right oblique during Saturday’s game against the Cubs. There is much question as to exactly how long he will be out, however. The Cardinals medical staff apparently told Pujols that he will only be out for the fifteen days that he is on the disabled list. However, another one of the team’s doctors said the injury could sideline him for six weeks, which would last until the All-Star break. Pujols will undergo an MRI exam today that will give a more accurate picture of how serious this injury is.

2. Another game, another near-no-hitter: Chris Young of the Padres is becoming one of the brightest young pitchers in the majors. After one-hitting the Rockies last Tuesday, he allowed two hits to the Pirates on Sunday. Young didn’t allow a hit until the sixth inning, becoming only the second pitcher since 2000 to begin consecutive starts with 5+ innings of no-hit ball. With his 16 straight shutout innings, Young has lowered his ERA by almost a point to 3.39. San Diego needed his outstanding performance, as they only scored one run of their own (a Brian Giles RBI single). At 30-26, the Padres are in third place in the NL West, while the Pirates are last as usual in the Central.

3. They’re beatable: Back when they were 31-15, nobody thought the White Sox could do anything wrong. But, after last night’s 10-2 loss to the Rangers, they have lost five of their last six games. Mark Teixeira performed well for Texas, going 4-5 with 4 runs batted in. Teixeira has vastly underperformed this year after last year’s spectacular 43 homers and 144 RBIs, with only 6 and 30 so far. For the White Sox, Mark Buehrle got lit up, allowing 6 runs in 7 innings. Jim Thome was out of the lineup for the third straight game with a groin injury, but he hopes to start today, when the Sox take on the Tigers in a pivotal series. The Rangers took two of three from the White Sox and lead the AL West at 30-26.

4. New powerplant built in Phoenix: The Arizona Diamondbacks are on fire offensively, scoring 28 runs in a four-game sweep of the Braves over the weekend. The D-Backs hit four homers on Saturday night, then hit four more on Sunday. Arizona’s 9-3 win on Sunday was powered by Damion Easley once again, who homered and drove in 3 the day after hitting 3 homers and 7 RBIs. Tony Clark hit two out, including a homer off Braves starter Jorge Sosa that gave him 4 blasts in 5 career at-bats against Sosa. The Braves actually had narrowed the gap 5-3 going into the ninth inning, but reliever Chris Reitsma was blasted for four runs in the final inning. Reitsma has been a major part of the Braves’ bullpen problems this year, with a horrendous 7.20 ERA. The D-Backs have sole control of the division lead with 34-22 record, while the Braves fell below .500 after the sweep.

5. The best thing going on in Washington: While the Nationals suck, they do have one player that is blowing up the National League. That would be Alfonso Soriano, who hit 2 homers and drove in 5 against the Brewers yesterday. The one-man show gave the Nats an 8-4 win, and lifted Soriano’s season totals even more. He now has 21 homeruns, 43 RBIs, and 13 steals on the year. His .312 batting average, .364 on-base percentage, and .628 slugging would all mark career highs if they hold. Most impressively, he has 11 homers and is hitting .319 at pitcher’s palace RFK Stadium. We bet the Rangers wish they hadn’t traded him now, or just imagine how dominant they would be in the AL West.

Categories
Colorado Rockies

Odds and Ends: Stop calling us a Christian team, dammit!

After a USA Today cover story that claimed the Rockies are built around core Christian code of conduct, some of the team members aren’t exactly happy with that characterization, especially the Christian players.

Pitcher Jason Jennings was a first-round draft choice by the Rockies in 1997 from Baylor University, the largest Baptist university in the world. He has strong religious convictions but believes the tone of the story was not a proper view of the atmosphere in the Rockies clubhouse.

I thought the story was over the top,” he said. “I have strong beliefs, but I don’t judge others and I never will. My opinion is we look for good character guys, not Christian guys. A good teammate doesn’t have to have the same beliefs you have. A good teammate is a good person who plays to win.

In other news…

[USA Today]:Concerns raised over racism during Cup

[Philly.com]: Another reason to drop the DH

[The Golf Blog]: Russians postpone longest golf shot in outer space

[Can’t Stop the Bleeding]: The Score’s Mike North Wouldn’t Offend For All The Tea In China

Categories
MLB General

Pedro Gomez is free!

Lost in all the Barry Bonds 715 hoopla is the fact that the long suffering Pedro Gomez has been freed by his corporate dark lord ESPN from his daily Bonds beat. For two years, Pedro has been forced to cover the biggest jerk in sports. But now that Bonds on Bonds is a complete failure and ESPN is no longer following Bonds’ every at bat with as much fervor, Pedro has been set free.

Gomez, who’s had to stick to Bonds closer than the stench of skank does to Paris Hilton, said his relationship with Bonds was “very hot and cold” and that Bonds has “a prickly personality”.


Was Bonds openly disrespectful toward him? “I think so,” Gomez said. “At Dodger Stadium this year, I asked, `Are you not speaking because you don’t want to, or your lawyer has advised you not to?’

To which Bonds responded: “Pedro, you’re weird. You have issues.”

Recalling the exchange, Gomez said, “I had to bite my tongue. The thing I wanted to say was, `I have issues?!?’ But you can’t become the story.”

All this week, we’ve been told that Barry Bonds is a new guy and he’s starting to enjoy the game much more and appreciates what God has given him. Good ol’ smiling Barry. He loves the fans, he really does. Don’t you believe it for a second. “Prickly personality?” We would just go with prick.

Links:
[Miami Herald]: On Sports Media

Categories
All Other Sports

Handbag used in All Blacks rugby fight is up for bid

On Tuesday, we told you about a fight in a New Zealand bar that lead to All Blacks captain Tama Umaga hitting teammate Chris Masoe in the head with a handbag. Well, now the woman who owns the handbag is auctioning it off on a New Zealand auction site. But wait, there’s more! If you bid right now, you also get the cellphone that was broken in the fight!

The highest legitimate bid right now is $94,000NZD or about $53,000 US. Not bad at all for a cheap handbag and a useless cellphone. At one point during the auction, fake bids had it over $100,000,000. As always, with these kind of auctions, the smartasses.. er.. smartarses come out to ask questions. The best one? “Is there any guarantee that hitting someone with this will make them cry?” The poor guy will never live that down.

Links:
[TV NZ]: Bidding for handbag turns farcical