Seattle Mariners

Odds and Ends: Ichiro goes bananas

Ever since we heard about Ichiro Suzuki’s out of character behavior every year at the All-Star Game, we thought something about the story sounded a little fishy. Well, we were right. As it turns out, Ichiro was accidentally exposed to the blast of a test detonation of a gamma bomb as a child. The effects were startling, making him a baseball machine, but also creating an emotional and impulsive alter ego. When anger or frustration set in, the transformation occurs. So, please, whenever around Ichiro, don’t make him angry. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.

In other news…

[D.C. Sports Bog]: Colt Brennan is a system QB…and a dork

[]: Super Bowl halftime performer odds are released

[Kissing Suzy Kolber]: `Joe Simpson’s Daughter Touching Company’ and other snazzy fantasy football team names

[]: LeBron says the USA is as good as gold

[Chicago Bull]: Would you want to wrestle a Long Wang?

[]: “Brett, who is this Purple People Eater that keeps texting you?”

[]: Wow, has it really been 25 years and day since this…

[Bugs & Cranks]: We thought it was just passion, but cocaine is much more reasonable

[]: We did much better on the “What Bra Size Do I Wear? Erin Andrews Edition”

[Fanhouses Boxing]: Wait, we missed the World Chess Boxing Championships again?!?

[The Zone Blitz]: A tour of Pac-10 stadiums, Google Earth style

[Mr. Irrelevant]: Redskins bust out the big balls to practice for upcoming Wipeout tryouts

[The Big Lead]: Last night’s minor league baseball rumble from a fan’s POV

[ABC News]: Ricky Williams is all over this article

[Blue Monkey Disco Party]: Bet you don’t have these cards in your collection

[Our of Right Field]: Remember this guy?

[]: Some call it a prank, we call it a GREAT day

And finally, dude, use your star power!

Washington Redskins

Clinton Portis channels four more figments of his imagination

Clinton Portis is a wild and crazy cat indeed. One of his absolute favorite things to do is dress up like its Halloween every time he does a press conference and being the fan friendly guy that he is, Portis is allowing you to choose which reincarnation attends. Here are your choices.

Bud Foxx

» Occupation: Ultimate Fighter
» Win-loss record: 0 wins, 17 losses
» Weight class: 115 pounds, but he weighs 220 pounds
» Finishing move: Cracking fingers

Foxx suffered a fast defeat at the (fully intact) hands of NFL researcher George Li to keep his winless streak alive.

Dr. Do Itch Big

» Occupation: Dentist
» Fact: Does his own dental work in the mirror
» Motto: “Cleaning up the NFL one mouth at a time”

The good doctor started his bicuspid crusade by enhancing the grills of former Giants DE Michael Strahan and Bills RB Marshawn Lynch.


» Occupation: Environmentalist
» Education: Masters in Electrical Engineering from MIT
» Motto: “Off the grid is off the chain”
» Facts: Lives in a solar-powered green house and smokes a pipe

The Earth-lover’s decision to step back on the grid to keep Rich Eisen caffeinated gave him a jolt from which he may not recover.

Prime Minister Yah Mon

» Occupation: Prime Minister
» Birthplace: Somewhere between Jamaica and the United States
» Fact: Running for President of the United States as an independent

Forget Obama and McCain. Come November, vote for this dreadlocked diplomat, who promises to lower gas prices by at least 40 cents.

Here’s the video bios for these goons.


[]: Vote for your favorite Portis character

General Sports

Sports newest odd couple: Johnny White Guy and Jr.

Who would have ever guessed that Chris Cooley and Dale Earnhardt Jr. would be like two peas in a pod? Certainly not us, but, of course, we’d be dead wrong. Turns out the fellas have been buddy-buddy for over a year now and the bond runs so deep that Cooley actually named his dog Dale Earnhardt Jr. Now, if that’s not respect and admiration then nothing is.


[Mr. Irrelevant]: Cooley and Dale Junior Are Seriously BFF

Washington Redskins

Chris Cooley is a dancing machine

Chris Cooley got married to a babe the other day and the wedding party looked like quite a blast. After all, it’s not too often that you get to see a giant-sized man dance around in white pants, a black vest and pink tie. But would you expect anything less from the man known as Captain Chaos? However, if you ask the best man about Chris’ big day, it really doesn’t sound all that exciting.

I do know that the groom’s day went as follows: picked up tuxes, packed for the honeymoon, paced around, watched groomsmen play guitar hero, paced around, backyard football, and finally driving to the place after some pacing around. The rest of the day seemed like an incredible blur of events.

Here are some highlights:

* The Reverend decided to kick things off a little behind schedule and almost had to meet with some groomsmen in the back room.

* The wedding planner now needs high blood pressure medication.

* People took pictures like free ipod nanos.

* We ate dinner ala banquet style only better food.

* There was the cake cut, garder pull, best man speech, and dancing til the lights turned on.

* After party Karaoke (minus newlyweds)

We’re sure Mr. and Mrs. Cooley had a fantastic day and all, but it’s just not a party until Brady Quinn starts grabbing his crotch.


[]: Chris Cooley’s Wedding Looks Like Fun
[]: The Best Man’s take on the Cooley wedding

Arizona Cardinals

Antrel Rolle says Sean Taylor’s death was deliberate

Sean Taylor’s body didn’t even have time to get cold before people started speculating about the circumstances surrounding the home intrusion and eventual murder of the rising NFL star. And a lot of the assumptions the mainstream media outlets were distributing tended to be rather harsh, basing their claims on his Hurricanes heritage and previous run-ins with the law. Well, the presumptions aren’t limited to the media. Despite the police accounts of a botched burglary; one of Taylor’s best friends thinks it was a deliberate hit.

He really didn’t say too much,” Antrel Rolle said, “but I know he was pretty much scared every time he was down in Miami.”

Rolle and Taylor, whose fathers were policemen in Homestead, Fla., started playing football together when they were six years old. They went on to become University of Miami teammates and NFL first-round draft picks. Both wore No. 21, Rolle for the Cardinals, Taylor for the Washington Redskins.

“There was so much surrounding him,” Rolle said. “Everyone was talking about him bad, so he just had to distance himself from everyone and live a life of his own. … Within the last year, I’ve never seen anyone make such a dramatic change.”

Withdrawing from a bad crowd isn’t easy, though, Rolle said.

“They say it was a burglary. It absolutely was not a burglary,” he said. “Down South, where we’re from, there were many people talking to Sean, a lot of jealousy, a lot of angry people.

“Sean, he had a large group of friends, and he no longer hung out with those friends, so you never know where this came from.

Rolle also said that “They’ve been targeting him for three years now,” and that “At least, he has peace now.”

We kind of thought Taylor was getting a bum rap because he was from the U and got slapped with the “hoodlum” label, but if his own long-time friend is calling it a deliberate murder then the media’s hype might be sincere. But Antrel can say what he wants; he’s not supposed to be unbiased. It just seems a bit callous to us that despite the authorities’ contradictory account, news outlets were determined to create a sensational story.


[The Canadian Press]: Cardinals’ Rolle vows to honour childhood friend, says death was no burglary
[Rocky Mountain News]: Rolle: Taylor was targeted

Washington Redskins

Lorenzo Alexander’s bloody accident earns him a sweet new moniker

In case you weren’t watching the preseason game between the Titans and Redskins on Saturday (and if you weren’t: how dare you!) there was a wild play towards the end of the game in which Washington defensive tackle Lorenzo Alexander sacked Titans QB Tim Rattay. What makes the play so crazy is that Alexander lost his helmet during his pursuit and as he tackled Rattay, he took a nasty shot from safety Reed Doughty that left him feeling lightheaded with slashes to his lip and cheek that unbelievably required just six stitches to close up.

The first thing I checked for was my teeth,” Alexander said after a Tuesday morning walk-through. “All of them were there, so I was real happy about that. My mom was real happy that I had all my teeth, too.

But the beat down wasn’t for nothing because Alexander ended up receiving a really cool nickname as a result of his wounds: Scarface. If you missed the helmetless tackle then here’s a clip with what very well could be a future Monday Night Football announcer calling the action.

His head is not healthy right now. Why did he do that? He’s probably bleeding. He probably smacked his head open.

Watch your back Jaws, this lady is coming for your job!


[]: `Scarface’ Alexander makes his mark as a hit man

Washington Redskins

LaRon Landry takes a paintball to the package

Okay, so we promised that we weren’t going to be giving you any more stories about jocks’ jocks but there was no way we could let this pass us by. Washington Redskins rookie LaRon Landry was injured on Wednesday when he was shot in the groin with a paintball during a “team-building outing.” According to the new old ol’ ball coach Joe Gibbs, Landry should be fine after a few days of rest. Maybe we’re skeptics, but it sounds to us like the No. 6 overall pick just wanted to get out of minicamp. C’mon, who hasn’t used the old “shot in the groin with a paintball” excuse?

What’s really funny about all of this is that Marcus Washington claims he had no idea that paintballs could cause an injury.

I didn’t know paintball was that dangerous,” linebacker Washington said. “I hope it wasn’t friendly fire.

There’s a joke involving Pat Tillman in there somewhere but we’re just going to let it slide.


[]: Paintball Injury Sideline Redskins’ No. 1 Pick

Washington Redskins

All of the lies in sports are driving us crazy!!!

Will somebody please take the mic
away from Bootsy already.

What the hell is wrong with athletes and coaches today? Nobody seems to have a mental filter or a shred of meaningful contemplation anymore. There is an epidemic of stupid decisions sweeping across the sporting landscape as player after player are making boneheaded, spur of the moment statements that must later be recanted in a manner that can do nothing but further make a mockery of that athlete. Our latest victim: Clinton Portis.

A couple of weeks ago, this idiot tried to justify Michael Vick and his dog farm of death by saying that:

I don’t know if he was fighting dogs or not, but it’s his property, it’s his dog,” Portis told WAVY-TV. “If that’s what he wants to do, do it. I think people should mind their business.

Fast forward to Tuesday and Portis has this to say:

A couple of weeks ago, when I made those comments I didn’t understand the seriousness behind it,” Portis said. “I didn’t know it would affect that many people, and didn’t think what I said was that offensive. But after doing some research and seeing how serious people take this, I shouldn’t have made the comments. I’m going to just leave it alone and hopefully, it will die down and people will understand that. At that time I had no idea the love people have for animals, and I didn’t consider it when I made those comments.

You “had no idea the love people have for animals”?!?! Give us a break! Listen, instead of wasting our time with this bogus line of B.S., why don’t you just shut the hell up and think about what you’re about to say the next time a mic gets shoved in your face. And that goes for you too Michael Vick, Kobe Bryant and Billy Donovan. We’re getting sick of you idiots’ big mouths and your sporadic moods and judgments. You guys are wasting our precious blog reading time with your recanting of statements and patronizing apologies. This why a lot of people want their athletes to be seen and not heard, you can’t believe a word that’s coming out of their traps anymore.


[]: Portis Recants Words About Dogfighting

NFL General

Odds and Ends: Will Keyshawn be any good?

Am I an asshole?

By now, you’ve heard that Keyshawn has decided to retire and join ESPN. Now, my first reaction to this is that it’s another example of ESPN just going completely down the toilet. However, if you look at Michael Irvin’s work, he wasn’t all that bad. And Keyshawn is basically just another version of Michael Irvin.

I feel like Michael Irvin really did have some decent insight into the game of football (certainly more than that Chris Berman asshole) but he simply wasn’t articulate enough to express his opinions and he also had the habit of trying to be funny by saying the stupidest. So while ESPN’s NFL coverage is all but unwatchable, having Keyshawn on the show isn’t going to make it any worse. Thank God we have the NFL on FOX.

In other news…

[buzzfeed]: Six fans who gave shout outs to their team on death row

[UPI]: Blind golfer seen reading scorecard

[DC Pro Sports Report]: 2007 Mock NBA Draft

[Bloody Long Odds]: Odds for 2010 World Cup already released

[MSNBC]: Rosenhaus supports Clinton Portis

[SI]: Ex Montana St player leader of drug ring

[Houston Chronicle]: 2011 Super Bowl could set ticket sales record at $93 million

[Seattle PI]: Jones soda pulls off Seahawks upset

[IHT]: Japanese red socks have become symbol for Red Sox

And finally, stay away from the salad at the Wheaton North High School

All Other Sports

Another sport for the Redneck Games: bowfishing

These guys are definitely not the catch and release type but they actually have invented a sport that’s rather clever. You have jumping carp, and bow and arrows — why not shoot them? We’re ashamed to admit it but it looks like a lot of fun. We’re rather surprised though that these guys were smart enough to attach fishing line to the arrows instead of just wasting each one. The twilight effect with the glowing arrows is especially cool.

You know it’s just a matter of time before a local newspaper reports on a fisherman with an arrow through his ass though.