Categories
General Sports

Not the best damn sports prank ever but pretty good… pretty, pretty good

We’re so glad April Fools is over. Now we don’t have to worry whether every story we see come across the wire is an April Fools joke or not. We have to give credit though to The Best Damn Sports Show Period for pulling off a pretty good prank.

The setup was that Tom Arnold (former host) was back as a guest and Michael Strahan confronted him about stuff Arnold said about him in his book. Here’s the video.

Giants fans must have crapped themselves seeing Strahan writhing in pain on the ground.
It’s good stuff and had at least this blogger fooled. (Sorry buddy, we’re just glad it wasn’t us.)

By the way, damn good acting by Strahan.

Categories
Soccer

Why Americans hate soccer


With the World Cup coming up this summer, you’ll be reading a lot about it. And half those stories will be why it garners absolutely no interest in the United States.

Everyone knows that Soccer is the #1 sport in America for those 10 and under. However, after age 10, it ranks somewhere below broomball and above nose picking in youth sports. But no one can agree why. So instead of sports writers, we get essayists to tackle the subject.

The author of A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, Dave Eggers, wrote an essay in an upcoming book, “The Thinking Fan’s Guide to the World Cup”, on why he thinks Americans will never get Futbol. His first reason is that we didn’t invent it and we like our sport home-grown.


The second and greatest, by far, obstacle to the popularity of the World Cup, and of professional soccer in general, is the element of diving. Americans may generally be arrogant, but there is one stance I stand behind, and that is the intense loathing of penalty-fakers. There are few examples of American sports where diving is part of the game, much less accepted as such.

But diving in soccer is a problem. It is essentially a combination of acting, lying, begging and cheating, an unappealing mix. The theatricality of diving is distasteful, as is the slow-motion way the chicanery unfolds… American sports are, for better or worse, built upon transparency, or the appearance of transparency, and on the grind-it-out work ethic.

In my opinion, the real reason that everyone abandons soccer is that no one wants to be a loser. Eggers touches upon it in his essay but it’s really Chuck Klosterman who gets it right. Soccer is so popular for kids because they are forced to play it. Parents want their kids to do some physical activity and soccer is the easiest way to accomplish that.

The beauty of soccer for very young people is that, to create a simulacrum of the game, it requires very little skill. No other sport can bear such incompetence. With soccer, 22 kids can be running around, most of them aimlessly, or picking weeds by the sidelines, or crying for no apparent reason, and yet the game can have the general appearance of an actual soccer match. If there are three or four co-ordinated kids among the 22 flailing bodies, there will actually be dribbling, a few legal throw-ins, and a couple times when the ball stretches the back of the net. It will be soccer, more or less.

So basically, if you have even an inkling of athletic ability, you’ll look around by age 11 and see how much of a loser the rest of your teammates are. (Coincidentally, this is the same time that parents of the hopelessly uncoordinated just give up.) Since no one wants to be associated with a sport full of losers, these athletic kids gravitate to cooler sports like baseball, basketball and football. Sure, some kids stick it out and we have good soccer programs in prep schools and colleges but most just can’t be bothered. Why play a sport no one will watch on TV when you can imitate the plays you see on Sportscenter.

Until we get a “Tiger Woods” of soccer, it’ll always take a backseat in the United States, even to hockey.

Links:
[The Observer]: ‘American sports are played with the hands. Using your feet is for commies’
[Fox Sports]: Even soccer fans are sick of diving.

Categories
Florida Marlins

Marlins owner must hate their fans


Dear Marlins fans,

It’s opening day. As a measure of how much our fans mean to us, I’m threatening to move the team to San Antonio.

Best,
Jeffrey Loria

Owner Jeffrey Loria has not only invited officials from San Antonio to sit with him during today’s game but also said discussions about relocating the franchise to the Texas city have turned “serious”.

Loria has stated previously that his desire was to keep the team in South Florida.

But when asked Sunday whether his stance had changed, he replied: “We’re going to look at all options now. I can only tell you that there is nothing going on in South Florida at this moment.

Everyone is predicting the Marlins to finish last in the NL East and the owner of the team comes out before opening day to suggest that the team will be in San Antonio next year. I’m sure Marlins fans are clamoring for tickets. Sure, this is just posturing in the press to get a new stadium deal but someone needs to send Loria PR for Dummies.

This is why I’m pro-contraction. These idiots have no idea what to do with their teams. On top of that, they go to cities where no one cares.

[Miami Herald]: Loria: Talks now serious

Categories
All Other Sports

Remind me never to date an Australian rugby fan



You call this a riot?
Come on boys, let’s take ’em to school!

The crowd at a teen rugby match in Ipswich (in Queensland) got a little out of control when a ref decided to send 3 players to the “sin bin”. The family of one of the West End Bulldogs players didn’t like the call and attacked the ref when he left the field.

The referee barricaded himself in the changing room but the family continued to go after him and then started brawling with other spectators and police. The police had to call for reinforcements and pepper spray was used to subdue the rioters, including two women. Witnesses say it was all just one family fighting with everyone else.

The police got a copy of the match video and arrested several people. We’re waiting for the video to show up on YouTube.

Links:
[The Courier Mail News]: Fans see red on ruling

Categories
NBA General

Best of Barkley



Orson Welles?

In honor of Barkley’s induction into the Hall of Fame, here are some of the best quotes from the Round Mound of Rebound. They’re from various sources on the net. Man, Charles Barkley has a lot of quotes. No wonder why reporters loved him.

  • You know the world is off tilt when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest basketball player is Chinese and Germany doesn’t want to go to war.
  • I don’t listen to refs. I don’t listen to anyone who makes less money than I do.
  • I don’t like the people of Boston. I think I should call Ripley’s because they have the greatest collection of assholes ever up here.
  • You can’t compare preseason to regular season. Preseason is just a way to screw fans out of money.
  • When a guy comes down the lane, I want him to be wondering what side I’m going to hit him front.
  • If I were seven feet tall, I’d be illegal in three states.
  • You got to believe in yourself. Hell, I believe I’m the best looking guy in the world. And I might be right.
  • There will never be another player like me. I’m the ninth wonder of the world.
  • Having [Moses Malone] around means there’s somebody uglier than me on the team.
  • (Letter to Bill Laimbeer) Dear Bill, Fuck you. Love, Charles Barkley.
  • I thought Bill Laimbeer was the whiniest, most despicable, most disgusting guy in the game. On the other hand, I always respected him as a player.
  • There are only three things in life that I have to do. I have to stay black, I have to pay taxes and I have to die. Other than that, don’t tell me what to do.
  • I can be bought. If they paid me enough, I’d work for the Klan.
  • (On Josh Smith’s dunk) That’s impossible. That’s like Dick Cheney trying to find another hunting partner.
  • I’m gonna go home and get naked again in the mirror cuz I don’t look like Rerun or Al Roker. There’s some deception going on. I’m not fat y’all! I’m big-boned.
  • I hope a lot of these young kids look at [Dwayne Wade], who went to college. Everybody is in such a hurry. Hey, the money is not going anywhere… and if you go to the right college, you can get paid there… Alabama, Georgia, South Carolina, Tennessee
  • (To Steve Kerr) Hey Steve, no offense, but if you couldn’t shoot, there would be no reason for you to be alive.
  • (To Kenny Smith) Oh man! I can’t stand the X-Files! I don’t believe in Extra-Terrestrials… until I saw your girlfriend one night. She needs to phone home.
  • (On fat people) First of all, they killed Oreos. You know they can’t make the Double-Stuff Oreos anymore because fat people can’t keep their mouths shut. Now they’re killing the McDonald’s super-size. Can you believe that? Just because fat people are lazy and don’t work out and can’t keep they’re mouths shut, they have to ruin it for everybody. They’ll probably kill ice cream next! Is that my fault they can’t stop eating? I’m so sick of these fat people suing these companies. Stop eating!
  • (To AC Green) If god’s so good, how come he didn’t give you a jump shot?
  • I love Sam Cassell, he’s a great guy… but he does look like E.T.
  • In four years, I’ll be the first black governor of Alabama. In eight years, I’ll be the first black president
  • I saw what the governor makes. That’s like four hands of blackjack.
  • I don’t care what people think. People are stupid.
Categories
General Sports

Odds and Ends for Mon Apr 3 2006: Taking a break from the Duke lacrosse scandal

At this point, people are just going back and forth with opinions and posturing. We’re going to wait for major developments to give the story another full blog entry. However, if you do need your fix, here’s a good roundup of the latest stories out of the Duke Chronicle.

In other news…

[The 700 Level]: Jimmy Rollins goes 0-3… but it’s ok, it was still preseason. J-Roll chases Dimaggio’s record for real starting tonight.

[Grace and Wayne]: Ahhhh.. opening day. When even Cubs fans can be hopeful.

[Dan Stake]: Ummm… April Fools is over right? Dominoes on ESPN? What next, watching old people eat?

[Ichiro Fan]: Ichiro is going old school this year, wearing his socks high

Categories
San Francisco Giants

"Trade Barry!" sucks

We hate when marketers ruin a perfectly good grassroots idea and make it into their own. On April Fools Day, a huge Trade Barry! billboard went up right near SBC/AT&T Park in San Francisco. This would have been pretty cool as either a joke or a message from some disgruntled Giants fan. (Albeit a very stupid Giants fan – as if anyone would take Barry in a trade.)

It turns out that the it’s just the first stages of some ad campaign. “The message will evolve in coming days, said the source, who is familiar with the campaign. In the end, it won’t even be anti-Bonds.” Not even anti-Bonds? How lame. Whatever they’re selling, I ain’t buying.

Also, since we’re talking grassroots billboards, I went to check out Onepeat.com. It was a clever idea but greed ruined that too. “Onepeat.com is now a for-profit venture. We have opened a new online store and are now selling AFCA National Championship Coaches’ Trophy gear in addition to our billboard t-shirts.” Is it just me or does this seem wrong somehow? They had a pledge drive to erect a billboard and now because of the goodwill in people linking to the story, have decided to turn into a marketing site. It’s like PBS deciding to go to premium cable. Bah.

Links:
[SFGate.com]: Bonds sign is a work in progress

Categories
Green Bay Packers

Breaking News: Packers release Brett Favre



End of the road

The Green Bay Press-Gazette is reporting that the Packers have decided to cut ties with Brett Favre, the franchise quarterback who lead them to two Super Bowls.

In a shocking turn of events, President Bob Harlan and Coach Mike McCarthy issued a statement that the services of Brett Favre were no longer required by the team.


While the Green Bay Packers family appreciates the contribution that Brett Favre has made to the organization, we felt it was best to move on at this time.

This has been a very tough decision for us and we wish Brett and his family the best of luck in the future.

Inside sources report that the Packers were “fed up” with waiting for Brett Favre to make a decision on his retirement. The last straw came when Brett stated that he would only return if the Packers can assemble a winning team.

An assistant coach, on the condition of anonymity, commented that the statement was particularly resented because Brett Favre has done more to hurt the team in recent years than help it win. “Ed Donatelle was the scapegoat for 4th-and-26 but it was really Brett’s duck to Dawkins that cost us that game.”

Brett Favre is also due a roster bonus worth $3M. The due date has been pushed back twice to accomodate Favre’s decision but team officials decided not to change it again.

Calls to Brett Favre and his agent have gone unreturned.

[Green Bay Press-Gazette]: Packers release Brett Favre

Oh, and April Fools

Categories
College Basketball

NCAA Tourney Live Blog: UCLA vs LSU – 1st Half

It’s halftime and I’m giving up. There will be no second half of this live blog because these semifinals have been so terrible that I refuse to go on.

3:01: I swear to god Billy Packer just said “he’s gotten some of those homos to play tougher”. This game sucks so much I’m hearing things.

3:59: Does Voogd have money on the Bruins? He’s responsible for more assists than the UCLA players. Billy Packer says he isn’t ready to play this game. For once, we agree with Billy. This is a sad sad game. 20 turnovers so far. It looks like Florida will win the title.

7:37: Bruins up 9 points. zzzzzzzzzzz. At least Nacho Libre looks like a good movie.

You know, the problem with the whole Cinderella analogy is that we are always subjected to the Midnight Strikes headlines.

12:25: UCLA up 18-8. I’m feeling underwhelmed by these semi-final games. After such a great tournament, this Final Four seems to be a yawner. As much as we like the upsets, this is what happens when you have zero #1 seeds in the final four.

When was the last time Spike Lee made a good movie?

15:12: UCLA looks faster right now and is up 12-4. I guarantee a UCLA victory. In the crowd is Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and Peyton and Eli Manning. Looking forward to the Eli Manning drunk off his ass pics that will show up on the web within 24 hours.

20:00: Anyone who beats Duke deserves our backing to win it all.  So this live blog will be slanted towards LSU.  Unlike some people, we admit our biases.  

Hmmm.. Mission Impossible 3 tie in.  Let’s play follow the corporate trail: MI:3 is produced by Paramount, which is owned by CBS Corp — that was easy.  This is just like when Tom Cruise got Comedy Central to pull the South Park episode bashing scientology or he’d refuse to do any promotional work for MI:3.  Speaking of which, Ryan suggested that we remove Katie Holmes from Women We Love until she gets rid of that aliens in a volcano worshipping freak.  I second the motion.

When did LSU add “fighting” to their nickname?

Categories
College Basketball

NCAA Tourney Live Blog: Florida vs George Mason – 2nd Half

0:00: Wait, Lee Humphrey’s childhood hero is Peyton Manning? Who the hell has Peyton Manning for a hero? I wonder if he has his fathead on his wall.

0:30: “There were a lot of people who underestimated their ability to make it through this tournament.” Most of it was you and Billy Packer, Jim. Notice that Billy Packer is silent again. He just won’t admit he was wrong.

2:57: In an NCAA tourney first, Noah gets a technical foul for being FUGLY. Ding Ding Ding – Billy Packer just said too long for the 100th time, setting a Final Four record.

5:16: Did Jim Nantz say that Laranega has a grandaughter too but no one cares? Anyway, this game is so boring that Ryan has thrown out this trivia question: Who are the seven coaches who have been to the Final Four and coached in the NCAA? Answers at the bottom of this entry.

8:46: I guess it’s time to root for LSU. Did I ever mention how much I hate Florida sports teams? This is a state that has the Marlins, a team that wins the World Series and then decides to break up the team in a fire sale. Now they’re in danger of being taken over by MLB because their ownership sucks so much. Then they have the Lightning, who win the Stanley Cup with a tradition as long as my junk, which is to say not very long at all. During the playoffs in their Cup run, the scoreboard operator had to inform the crowd what hockey rules like “offsides” and “icing” were. Florida winning any championships at all means that God has no interest in sports.

11:49: Florida is up 49-32. Florida is getting every loose ball, every defensive stand, and every three pointer. At least this game is going fast so we don’t have to suffer through this. I wonder if Joakim Noah will go first or second in the WNBA draft.

15:00: The dream is over for George Mason. Yes, I’m calling this game now. Florida is up by 15. George Mason is playing like an 11 seed right now, not the team that beat UNC and UConn. This just means we have to see Noah’s ugly mug for another game.

On top of this, we have to watch the stupid State Farm and Big Bucking Chicken commercials. I read an article about the advertising agency that has the Burger King account and how they are taking risks. Great. Thanks for taking risks and ruining our NCAA tournament watching experience. Feel free to send Cripsin Porter + Bogusky some hate email.

19:08: A terrible start for GMU as Lee Humphrey makes 2 three-pointers to start the half. (In case you haven’t noticed, I’m blatantly rooting for Groge Mason.) Florida up by 11. This Pontiac Solstice commercial song is probably second only to the Applebees shrimp song as most annoying.

Intermission: Florida is up 31-26 and we’re waiting for the second half to start. This Fed-Ex Kinkos commercial is genius.  That basically is every company I’ve ever worked with.

Jay Wright wins the best looking coach of the year award and Adam Morrison wins the Chevy player of the year. Of course, the one that counts, the AP player of the year, went to JJ Redick, who said that the Duke Lacrosse team was a great bunch of guys. You might want to stay away from commenting on Duke Lacrosse, JJ. If you want to support them, write them some poetry or something.

Trivia answer: Calipari, Pitino, Montgomery, Larry Brown, PJ Carlissimo, Jerry Tarkanian, and Lon Kruger.