Category: Satire

[The Onion]: Packers To Favre: ‘Take Your Time, Asshole’

[The Brushback]: Duke Campus Would Be Racially Divided If There Were Any Black People There

[Sports Pickle]: NASCAR Fans Ashamed They Didn’t Mistreat Those Towelheads for Dateline NBC

[The Log Ride]: Adam Morrison Seeks Royalties for Happy Gilmore Role

The Duke lacrosse rape scandal is no laughing matter… unless of course it is a laughing matter. This is what I love about satire sites, they’ll cross any line.

[The Brushback]: Pro-Rape Activists Stage Counter Demonstration On Duke Campus

[The Onion]: Duke University Equestrian Team Hoping To Avoid Investigation Into Their Sex Scandal. “We’ve done nothing wrong, veterinarians will find no evidence—DNA or otherwise—showing that horses have been assaulted, and of course no charges have been filed.”

[Sports Pickle]: Brett Favre issued an ultimatum to the Green Bay Packers today, saying he won’t return to the team unless they show they are dedicated to making a playoff run by improving the team’s vastly underperforming quarterback position.

[Sportsgoons]: Barry Bonds is annoying management and teammates by reporting daily on every detail of ESPN reporter Pedro Gomez’s life.

[The Log Ride]: Johnny Damon Vows to Grow Uni-brow in Protest of Facial Hair Policy

Here are our favorite stories from the usual suspects.

[Sports Pickle]: Mike Krzyzewski Getting Tired of Watching All the Mike Krzyzewski Commercials

[The Brushback]: Eastern Conference Coaches Still Not Paying For Gilbert Arenas All-Star Omission

[The Log Ride]: AJ Hawk Promised Anal if he Goes in First Round…From Brady Quinn, not Laura

[The Onion]: George Mason Player Upsets Mother With Last-Second Long-Distance Call From Way Downtown

[The Onion]: Scheduling Error Leads To First-Ever NCAA Final Five

Here are the best satire stories for this week.

[The Brushback]: “Sheryl Crow Now Pro-Cancer” (No article but damn that’s a hell of a headline.)

[The Brushback]: Report: Gretzky Not Man Enough To Bet On Football “I’ve been associated with him for many years and there is no bigger pussy on earth than Wayne Gretzky. It takes balls to bet on football, especially the huge amount of money his wife was betting. That lady has the courage of ten men, unlike her husband, who would shrink in fear from a game of bingo.”

[Sportalicious]: CHENEY FAILS TO QUALIFY FOR OUTDOORS GAMES

[Sports Pickle]: Art Shell the Latest Re-Tread Black Coach to Get a New Job “I don’t like to stick my nose into the hiring practices of our teams,” said NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue, “but this is definitely a matter that needs attention. Art Shell was fired by the Raiders after the 1994 season and in the 12 years since hasn’t had any other jobs. Yet now, after only granting interviews to a few white candidates, the Raiders hire him back. This kind of old boy network cronyism must come to an end in the NFL.”

[The Onion]: Gretzky: ‘I Never Bet On Baseball’ ” can say with great certainty that I never bet on the Cincinnati Reds, and that I never bet on baseball, nor do I intend to, nor would I even know where to begin if I were to do so,” said Gretzky, who will now likely never gain admission to the National Baseball Hall of Fame.”

Not every satire article is a home run. Here are the best ones from the usual suspects this week.

[Sports Pickle]: Officials Blame Seahawks Loss on Seahawks “The NFL officiating crew who called the Super Bowl XL match-up between Pittsburgh and Seattle has sounded off on the outcome of the game, blaming the Seahawks’ 11-point loss on the horrible play of the Seahawks.”

[Sports Pickle]: “Peyton Manning ready to prove all his doubters wrong at the Pro Bowl.”

[The Onion]: African Child Loves His `World Champion Seahawks’ T-Shirt “Semesseke added that if the Seahawks had included 80 cents a day along with the shirt, he could eat.”

[The Brushback]: Celtics-Timberwolves Trade Somehow Makes Both Teams Worse (Hmmm, this is supposed to be satire but isn’t it just true?)

Here are the best sports satire stories for this week.

[Sports Pickle]: Isiah Thomas to Use Mental Retardation Defense in Sexual Harassment Case
“It’s going to be impossible for any jury to look at Isiah’s body of work since his playing career ended and conclude anything other than the obvious: Isiah Thomas suffers from severe mental retardation,” said Philip Walters, Thomas’s lawyer.”

[The Brushback]: Brown Accuses Thomas Of Sexual Harassment In Attempt To Get Fired
“I have never sexually harassed Larry. If I was going to sexually harass a man, it wouldn’t be Larry Brown.”

[Onion Sports]: All-Time Greatest Super Bowl Moments
1994: Bills quarterback Jim Kelly, who two years earlier pumped up his team with a “We’ve Got the Experience We Need to Win” talk and the previous year instilled hope with his “Third Time’s the Charm” speech, gathers his teammates to tell them not to bother trying this year and resign themselves to their horrible fate.