Lately, Trevor has been talking a lot on the podcast about marginal sports and creating a World Series of Beirut. Well, the folks over at Mental Floss have a contest to invent the world’s stupidest sport. Unfortunately, WSOB violates the rules:
Your sport must be (a) so new that it’s never been played before, at least on this earth, (b) consistent with the laws of physics, (c) relatively cheap to play, with equipment that can easily be obtained by anyone, and (d) an actual physical sport involving at least two players. We want to see some calories getting burned. Extra points if your idea is explained in great detail, based on some weird historical activity we’ve never heard of, or steeped in facts and assorted trivia.
But any sport deemed “stupid” must include some sort of drinking. Because if you’re not putting more calories back in than you’re burning, then it just becomes a real sport.
(Before we go to some ideas for sports, does anyone remember playing “suicide”, “homicide”, or “marine ball” as kids? We know that suicide and homicide are universally known but we are beginning to suspect that marine ball, which was basketball but it was every man for himself and fouls were encouraged, was invented by one of our sadistic friends. Anyway…)
Here are three ideas for stupid sports:
1. Unextreme soccer: Two people sit on rocking chairs at opposite sides separated by 10 feet. There is a small goal about 5 feet wide behind the chair. Players cannot leave the rocking chair. Everytime a goal is scored, the person who let in the goal must chug a beer. First one to pass out loses. Falling out of the chair is a yellow card. The second time you fall out of the chair, you lose.
2. The Running of the Hos: This is a very simple game. A bunch of players get together and dress up like pimps. Platform shoes are necessary to make sure it’s a level playing field. One person is designated as the slapper (roshambo, draw straws, cut cards, whatever). The group walks up to a bunch of hos and the designated slapper slaps all of them. Everyone then takes off. The loser is the first person caught. After rescuing him/her from the hos, the loser buys the beer.
3. Rat dog punting: You know those dogs that are basically the size of a rat and yap a lot? Well the goal is to punt the dogs as far as you can. Because we here at Sportscolumn do not condone violence to animals, all dogs must be wrapped in foam or bubble wrap. This sport is too satisfying to need any sort of drinking but it’s encouraged.
