Sportscolumn Blog

Damn you to hell for ruining an almost perfect weekend of March Madness.  This was 4 great days of pure college basketball.  Buzzers beaters, upsets, great matchups — you couldn’t ask for a better opening 2 rounds of the NCAA Tournament.  Unfortunatley, for that enjoyment, we paid a price. And that price is a three hour ture.

I haven’t ranted about commercials in a while but here are the 5 worst tv ads you saw about 400 times this weekend.

1. Applebees Shrimp commercial I am boycotting Applebees from now on.  This commercial wasn’t funny the first time I saw it.  It certainly didn’t get any funnier.  Whoever created these commercials will rot in hell. The only question I have is, what exactly hits the lady in the eye at the end?  

2. Verizon vcast Razr phone  Just what I want to see.  Some guy speaking in an annoying voice and bugging the crap out of his coworker.  Yeah, that makes me want to get a Verizon phone.  If I were the guy in the commercial, I’d take the phone and chuck in across the room.  How cool is your phone now, bitch?

3. State Farm fan  Who greenlights these things?  If I wanted to see some retard barking and yelling, I’d go to my local sports bar.  The worst part is the “boo yah!”.  And you thought we couldn’t hate Stuart Scott any more.

4. Cingular March Sadness  Listen you smug bastard, how about I take your cingular phone and shove it up your ass?

5. Coach K Chevy commercial  I don’t get this at all. For everyone who likes Duke, there are 5 people who hate them.  So why would you have Mike Krzyzewski pitch anything? For the record, I hate Duke.

By the way, are there 27 time outs per team in college basketball?  It seems that way.

We’re down to the sweet 16 and here are the latest odds on the 2006 NCAA Tournament champion.

I’m not going to even pretend like I’m not biased. I hate Duke. I hate Duke with a passion. So this is the type of story that has me all pissed off for no good reason. J.J. Redick threw his (probably fungus ridden) shoes into the crowd after a game and the guy who caught it was happier than a pig in slop.

This is a prized possession. I’ve been a Duke fan for 20 years. Got my son pulling for them. This is special.”

Steele was almost speechless about his souvenir and became an instant celebrity. People wanted to have their picture taken with him and the prized shoe.

“Of all the Duke things we’ve got at the house, this is number 1. It was sweet … I’m about at a loss for words.

It’s just a shoe of a guy who will be a huge bust in the NBA! It’s not the turin shroud. God I hate Duke fans. (Ok, back to sports news.)

[WFMY]: Duke’s Redick Tosses A Surprise Out To Fans

It’s here boys and girls. It’s here!  I know you’ve read a million stories this week about how great March Madness is.  I don’t care.  It cannot be overstated.  March Madness is like Christmas, New Years, Fourth of July and Degenerate Gamblers Day all rolled up in one.

Here’s what makes the NCAA tourney so great:

• First round buzzer beaters.  I just saw a replay of the Bryce Drew three pointer to beat Ole Miss and it still is a great play. I can’t believe it was 8 years ago.
• Princeton beats UCLA with nothing but backdoor cuts.  Weber state beats UNC.  Vermont beats Syracuse. Bucknell beats Kansas. Villanova plays the perfect game to beat Georgetown.
• Games start around noon EST.  BAC should be about .250 by the time the last game tips off on the east coast
• Your bracket will be ruined by Sunday but you don’t care because everyone else’s is as well and you still might win.
• Oral Roberts university is 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 to 1 odds to win the whole thing.  Most of you laugh. Some of you are thinking, I should put $1 on that.  The latter should get some help.
• Even hot chicks who don’t care about sports get into the tournament because they have $10 in the pool.
• If your boss catches you reloading scores on your computer all day, who cares? He’s doing the same thing.
• You can use some of these excuses to call out sick from work and you probably will get away with it.
• The fact that there is always a 12-5 upset.
• You have just a good a chance of getting the perfect bracket as experts who analyze college hoops for a living. That is, zero.
• It lasts for three weeks and every game is a potential classic.

Oh man, I know you guys are just as excited as I am. You know, those ESPN commercials are all wrong. Heaven doesn’t include Stephon Marbury hogging the ball or race cars zooming by. Heaven would be March Madness all year long.

Call Pizza Hut baby!

I like that Dick Vitale loves life. I like that Dick Vitale loves college basketball. I hate Dick Vitale. If you aren’t sick of Dick Vitale by the end of Round 1, perhaps you’re the target customer for his new ringtones on Sprint phones.

Yes, this is exactly what I want, Dick Vitale telling me that “it’s your favorite Dipsydoo Dunkaroo playmaker calling. Now step up to the line and pick up the phone!” What’s next? Stephen A Smith yelling at me, “You are a disgrace, huh, now answer the phone!”

Sprint actually wants to charge you $2.50 to put Dukie V on your cell phone. If Sprint were smart, they’d make Dick Vitale the default ringtone and charge people $10 to take it off their phones. I’d pay.

[Sprint]: Sprint’s tournament site

Sucker!

This actually happened a couple of weeks ago but it’s worth blogging it late just because it was so damn clever. When USC played at Cal on March 4th, the student section was armed with a free throw distraction much better than thundersticks and white balloons.

For the whole week leading up to the game, USC point guard Gabe Pruitt was chatting up a sexy co-ed at UCLA named Victoria. He gave her his number and set up a date in L.A. Unfortunately, “Victoria” turned out to be someone from Cal’s rally committee. When the 79% free throw shooter stepped up to the line, he was seranaded with “Victoria” chants and his own phone number yelled back at him. Pruitt missed both free throws and ended up 3-13 from the field. Well done, Cal students, well done.

What’s the lesson here? Never trust a girl from UCLA.

[Schneier.com]: Basketball Prank