Houston Astros

Miguel Tejada gets two years older in one day

Miguel Tejada came clean on Wednesday and admitted to pulling a Danny Almonte. Turns out that Tejada lied to Oakland when he first entered the league, but after arriving in Houston where they wanted all his information, he decided that he didn’t “want to lie to them.” Oh, and ESPN totally busted him.

“I’m a poor kid that wanted to be a professional big leaguer,” he said as he discussed his reasoning for claiming he was 17 instead of 19 when signing with the Oakland Athletics in 1993. “I was thinking that was the only way that I could help my family. By the time we did it, it wasn’t because we wanted to do anything wrong to be a professional.

“The scout just did it because at that time I was two years older than I (told them). And to play in the Dominican Summer League you’ve got to be like 17. That’s why he changed the year. Because the only change is the year.”

Tejada and the Astros revealed the news after ESPN surprised him at Citizens Bank Park with a copy of his birth certificate, which the network obtained in the Dominican.

Ah, the Worldwide Leader in Backdooring People Into Admitting Their True Age.


[]: Tejada turns 33 in a flash

Houston Astros

Having a strained groin is no longer the most embarrassing injury in sports

“If you’re sliding into first and you
feel something burst…”

We’ve heard of some strange injuries in our time, but Kaz Matsui might have just stolen the cake. The Astros second baseman is out of action with…wait for it…wait for it…an anal fissure! We don’t know what the hell that is exactly or how you get them (and we don’t want to know), but according to the guys at it is “an unnatural tear or crack in the anus skin.” Yep, that’ll keep you from running.

Astros second baseman Kaz Matsui is expected to miss four or five days after being diagnosed with a condition known as anal fissure.

Matsui, who returned to central Florida on Monday night, will go through individual workouts at the team facility but will not play until at least Friday. Doctors have prescribed a different medication to help alleviate the problem.

Suddenly, falling off you truck, violently sunburning yourself, throwing out your back via a sneeze and getting caught up in a tarp don’t seem all that bad.


[]: Matsui absence likely to last four to five days

Houston Astros

Houston Astros Idol

Want to sing the National Anthem at an Astros game? Here’s your chance. The Astros are holding a sweepstakes for 20 random people to audition to sing the National Anthem at a home game. Sadly, 2 out of 3 Americans don’t even know the words to the Star Spangled Banner so if you brush up on that you probably stand a pretty good chance.

You can sing it anyway you like, straightforward, with flourish, or even through the Aaron Neville megaphone, but please do not pull a Roseanne Barr.

[Astros Asylum]: Astros Hold Contest For Anthem Singers
[Astros]: Sweepstakes entry form