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Hey Lance, nobody cares what you think

Hey, everyone gather round, Lance Armstrong, doping expert and medical doctor doesn’t believe that Floyd Landis took any banned substances when he won the Tour de France last year.

I think conventional wisdom is that he will lose (his arbitration hearing), because USADA has never lost a case,” said Armstrong, the guest speaker Tuesday at an Aspen Ideas Festival health forum discussion.

“The arbitrators don’t ever rule for the athletes,” Armstrong said, according a story in Wednesday’s edition of The Aspen Times. “Quite frankly, the system is set up against the athletes. Unfortunately for him, I don’t think he did it. That’s always been my position and still is today.

So despite multiple positive tests and expert testimony that the levels of testosterone could not have been produced naturally, Dr. Lance Armstrong has decided that Floyd Landis isn’t guilty of doping. Oh, and don’t forget the story about Landis’ manager threatening Greg LeMond if he testified against Landis.

There’s about 100% chance that Floyd Landis doped up for the Tour de France. There’s a slightly less than 100% chance that Armstrong did too and just never got caught. So Lance, shut the f up and go back to hawking crappy yellow bracelets.

[Fox Sports]: Armstrong: Landis is innocent of doping

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This Floyd Landis case is out of control

What was supposed to be a small (medium sized?) cheating case in the Tour de France has turned into a year long ordeal by Floyd Landis to find the real killers dopers. Well, that’s not all folks, it’s time to mix in a little blackmail and sex.

According to reports, Greg LeMond (legendary cyclist for you youngins) had a phone conversation with Landis where Landis leaned towards an admission of performance enhancing drug use. LeMond then confided to Landis that he was sexually abused as a child by his uncle.

But it doesn’t end there. The night prior to LeMond’s testimony at the Floyd Landis hearing, someone called LeMond cell claiming to be his uncle and said “they would play hide the weenie tomorrow”. Well, there goes thousands of dollars in therapy out the window. The cell phone call was traced back to Will Geohagen, Landis’ friend and manager. Geohagen admitted making the call and was promptly fired by Landis.

Obviously, LeMond was not happy about this painful childhood memory being a matter of public record and lashed out at Landis and his crew:

It was a real threat, it was real creepy, and I think it shows the extent of who it is,” LeMond said before leaving the Pepperdine law school after his spellbinding day. “I think there’s another side of Floyd that the public hasn’t seen.

Actually, the public doesn’t want to see another side of Floyd Landis. The public would like Landis and his A sample s and B samples and urine to just go away. Permanently.

(Photo note: when we think child molestation, we think Gordon Jump.)

[Steroid Nation]: Landis friend admits making threatening call to LeMond

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Odds and Ends: Andy Roddick and Maria Sharapova dating

Otis! My Man!

Well, US Weekly has made it official: Andy Roddick and Maria Sharapova are dating. This has been speculated since January so it’s not really news. However, we point you to this photo of them on some red carpet thing. Have you seen two celebrities with more awkward smiles? They look like Boon and Otter when they stepped into the Dexter Lake Club and realize they’re the only white people there.

In other news…

[Sign On San Diego]: Leno grills Landis, who offers another theory on drug test

[Fox Sports]: NFL picks Goodell to replace Tagliabue

[USA Today]: Ex-NBA All-Star Eddie Johnson accused of sexually assaulting 8-year-old girl

[SI]: Wie blamed caddie for being unable to make clutch putts…

[MSNBC]: Parcells scolds media about T.O. injury

[homegame]: Why Bill Belichick’s Aunt is Not His Uncle

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Landis: It’s a conspiracy! C-O-N… spiracy

Ugly ass uniforms caused
my high testosterone

By now, you know that Floyd Landis’ second blood sample came up positive for synthetic testosterone and he’s been stripped of his Tour de France title and his career is over. Well, Landis is now grasping onto the railing of the Titanic of excuses. In addition to naturally high testosterone. thyroid medication, cortisone cream, Jack Daniels, and dehydration, you can add conspiracy to the list.

There’s some kind of agenda there. I just don’t know what it is. I put in more than 20,000 kilometers of training for the Tour. I won the Tour of California, Paris-Nice and the Tour de Georgia. I was tested eight times at the Tour de France, four times before that stage and three times after, including three blood tests.

Only one came back positive. Nobody in their right mind would take testosterone just once. It doesn’t work that way.

Or, Floyd, perhaps another way to look at this is that you didn’t get caught during the Tour of California, Paris-Nice or Tour de Georgia. We shouldn’t be asking whether there’s a conspiracy but what’s wrong with the testing system in those three races. Man, you got caught. All this protestation in the media isn’t going to help your cause at all. Just slink away and let us get back to real sports.

[MSNBC]: Landis claims ‘agenda’ behind test results
[Reuters]: Landis begins campaign to win hearts and minds

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Say goodbye to Floyd Landis

Negative branding for Oakley

99.9% of the world couldn’t have picked Floyd Landis out of a lineup prior to this year’s Tour de France. And now we imagine he’s going to start growing a beard and sporting dark glasses like Rafael Palmeiro to avoid recognition in public. Despite his protests that the doping allegations were unfounded, it seems he did in fact cheat.

Just last Friday, Landis claimed that it was a natural occurence and the testosterone in his body was “natural and and produced by my own organism.”

I don’t know what the explanation for it is, whether it was a mistake or whether it’s an occurrence from some other circumstances that go on in the race or something I did.

But it was not from an exogenous outside source of testosterone.

Well, today, reports are that the urine sample that showed some of the testosterone in his body was from an external source.

How did Landis actually think he could get away with this? I guess when you’re already past the point of no return, why not just start lying your ass off? Some people take the “I didn’t know my massage therapist rubbed me with testosterone” route, Landis decided to take the ‘I didn’t do it’ route. The results of the second test are expected this Saturday.

All the pundits are claiming that Landis has ruined the Tour de France. But can you really ruin something that no one cares about? It’s like saying the slam dunk ruined the WNBA.

[Sign On San Diego]: Devastating news for Landis in report
[NY Times]: Testosterone in Landis test is said to be not natural

[BBC ]: Landis B result set for Saturday