Kobe Bryant gets punked out by Michael Jordan

Posted on Fri Aug 01, 2008 at 09:57:07 AM EST in NBA
More on: Kobe Bryant, Michael Jordan, video, NBA, funny (all tags)

Michael Jordan might not be a rapper like Shaquille O'Neal, but that doesn't mean he can't talk some smack about Kobe Bryant...in front of a gymnasium full of kids! Hey, Kobe, tell us how Mike's ass tastes.

Who would have ever guessed that longtime miscreant Ron Artest would be the only baller on the face of the planet to treat Kobe with a little respect?

Links:
[YardBarker.com]: MJ to Kobe: You couldn't guard me

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25 NBA players who are laughing all the way to the bank

Posted on Wed Jul 30, 2008 at 10:08:05 AM EST in NBA
More on: NBA, money, overpaid (all tags)

The NBA is a league of big men and bigger salaries. Last season, everybody in the Association pulled down at least a cool $427,163 with the minimum salary jumping to $442,114 next year. And, yes, even Jelani McCoy and Bracey Wright will make that much. But if you think that is a case of serious overpayment, just wait until you get a load of YardBarker.com's list of the 25 Most Overpaid NBA Players (in no particular order). And, yes, Darko Milicic and Dan Gadzuric made the cut.

1. Samuel Dalembert($10,500,000)
2.Kenny Thomas($7,942,187)
3. Lamar Odom($14,600,000)
4.The entire New Knicks roster(current payroll $90,467,471)
5. Ben Wallace ($14,500,000)
6. Steve Francis($19,814,480)
7.Wally Szcerbiak($13,000,000)
8. Nazr Mohammed ($6,049,400
9. Larry Hughes ($12,827,676)
10.Eric Dampier ($9,550,000)
11. Troy Murphy ($10,126,984)
12.Tim Thomas ($6,049,400)
13. Vladimir Radmanovic ($6,049,400)
14. Antoine Walker ($9,320,500)
15. Darko Milicic ($7,000,000)
16. Shawn Marion ($17,000,000)
17. Dan Gadzuric ($6,246,250)
18. Jason Collins ($6,200,000)
19. Bobby Simmons ($9,920,000)
20. Rashard Lewis ($17,238,000)
21. James Posey (apprx. $8.5 million)
22. Reggie Evans ($4.640,000)
23. Etan Thomas ($6,860,000)
24.Nene ($9,680,000)
25. Vince Carter ($15,200,000)

Links:
[YardBarker.com]: 25 Most Overpaid NBA Players

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Odds and Ends: Oklahoma City is currently announcerless

Posted on Tue Jul 22, 2008 at 12:30:14 PM EST in NBA
More on: NBA, Oklahoma City, Kevin Calabro, soccer, Jeremy Shockey, NFL, Luol Deng, Terrell Owens, MLB, Ron Artest, Charles Barkley, pro wrestling, Erin Andrews, video, funny, Odds and Ends (all tags)

"OKC f'n sucks, kiddo"

The longtime voice of the Seattle Sonics has decided to forgo relocating to Oklahoma City, opting instead to remain in Seattle and become the announcer for the city's - get this - soccer team instead.

Kevin Calabro, the voice of the Sonics for 21 seasons, will become the voice of Seattle Sounders FC broadcasts as the team debuts in Major League Soccer next season. ...

"I'm thrilled to be part of Sounders FC soccer in a city that I know will embrace it," said Calabro. "Seattle is blessed to have devoted ownership as well and I know people will be excited about the possibilities."

Yea, we think it was the whole "Thundercats" speculation that kept him from taking the job too.

In other news...

[Uncoached]: Who says chicks can't dunk?

[Kissing Suzy Kolber]: Jeremy Shockey just realized he got traded to the Saints

[Shake dem Dreads]: 32 NFL teams, 115 dread heads. How's your team stack up?

[Chicago Bull]: Deng, they coulda had Kobe

[ESPN Page 2]: T.O. saves the day when Batman and Hancock couldn't

[NewsOK.com]: Thunder. Thundercats. Thunder. Yea, definitely a step in the right direction

[YepYep]: Top home plate collisions

[FanNation]: He wasn't involved in another Nipplegate, so we're going to let it slide

[CollegeHumor.com]: 3...2...1...Swish. "Sweet."

[Deuce of Davenport]: Dude A: "So, do you root for the Phillies or the Yankees?"

Dude B: "Feel deez nuts!"

[Need4Sheed.com]: Ron Artest might be a Piston?!? Shut the hell up!!

[Philly.com]: Charles Barkley gives his money away, but this time it's not to a casino

[NYPost.com]: Captain Lou Albano might be 75 years old, but he still knows how to throw a party

[JoeSportsFan.com]: Picture of Satan taking in a day at the ballpark

[The Redshirt Senior]: Hey, take it back; Erin Andrews is hot, you big liar! Did you even watch the ESPYs???

And finally, dude, you can win The Ultimate Warrior's shirt. Well, he's not really The Ultimate Warrior anymore, but he's the old, creepy dude who used to be The Ultimate Warrior. Still cool, right?

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Oklahoma City Thundercats are already heading downhill fast

Posted on Thu Jul 17, 2008 at 11:07:40 AM EST in NBA
More on: Oklahoma City, NBA, Clay Bennett, franchise (all tags)

OKC is going to have some sweet
unis

The Seattle SuperSonics are no more and it saddens us. The yellow and green had some great years up in the Pacific Northwest, but Oklahoma tycoon Clay Bennett ripped the team away and now it's time for the franchise to move onward and upward. At least, we hope so, but, so far, things aren't looking to promising. First, the team is heading to Oklahoma City. No offense OKC, but even Gilbert Arenas bumped Milwaukee up to second on the "Worst NBA Cities" list following the relocation. Maybe the NBA will put a franchise in Boise, Idaho or Billings, Montana next.

Second, the team name being thrown around is the Thundercats. OMG-WTF-LOL. Guess the Smurfs, the Transformers and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are being saved for Boise and Billings. (Here's a list of more potential names for the team. Personally, we like the Okie Dokies.)

So, can things get worse for the Oklahoma City Thundercats? The Beardown says yes and here's how.

10. Hire Brian McNamee to be the teams strength and conditioning coach. He did wonders for Andy Petitt and Roger Clemens all ready.

9. Hire Isaiah Thomas as the General Manager. He couldn't mess this up that badly, could he?

8. Give Jose Canseco a chance to run the promotions for each game. This guy could squeeze a nickel out of the most mediocre talent levels.

7. Have Latrell Sprewell handle the community relations department. I have heard he is a very hands on kind of guy.

6. Allow Kobe to handle all hotel accommodation's. The hotel staffs rave about his generosity.

5. Tab Kenny Rogers for Media Relations. This guy loses himself in his work.

4. Allow Hector "Macho" Camacho to design the team uniforms.

3. Ask the 1989 Minnesota Vikings Front office for help in draft strategy and trade away 3 1st, 2nd, and 3rd round picks for one player.

2. Hire a former TV Color Commentator with no experience to be your GM. Then after 16 wins in 4 seasons, give him a 5 year extension.

1. Try to Drum up fans and hold a Ten Cent Beer Night Promotion. Sit back and watch the hillarity ensue (Cleveland forfeited the game after fans rioted and charged the field, not in the fun Huge Upset College Football kinda way). Even though, I would be more than happy to attend Ten Cent Beer Night.

We know you're still in mourning, Seattle, but if things go right, this could become a complete embarrassment for Clay Bennett. And isn't that really the best revenge possible?

Links:
[The Beardown]: Destroying a franchise; A how to

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Which NBA superstars could make great knockout artists?

Posted on Mon Jul 14, 2008 at 09:44:53 AM EST in NBA
More on: NBA, boxing, Richard Hamilton, Kobe Bryant, Ron Artest, Allen Iverson, Latrell Sprewell (all tags)

We were as shocked as the next guy to see Kendall Gill provide a little guest commentary during ESPN Friday Night Fights In Your Corner, but there he was. But, hey, the former NBA journeyman does own a 3-0 record as a cruiserweight, making him a shoe-in for best pro baller turned brawler. Gill's appearance got The Caveman Network to thinking about what other NBA stars could make it in the fight game. Here's their top five:

5. Richard Hamilton : Yeah, he's skinny, but so is Paul Williams. Hamilton's fluidity and conditioning are something to behold, and he's stronger than he looks. Just like he punishes would-be defenders by running them through screens, Hamilton would torture opponents in the ring with his great conditioning and work rate, just like Williams, aka "The Punisher".

4. Kobe Bryant : His competitive ability means he will technically master whatever combat sport he dedicates himself to. He will also carry the killer instinct from the court to the ring or cage. Just like he plays basketball like a game of chess, he will be a chessboxer in the ring.

3. Ron Artest : He was the main villain in the Malice in the Palace. He boxes. He broke Michael Jordan's ribs. He's a little crazy. He's jacked (6-7, 240 lbs). Imagine Rampage Jackson with a loose screw in his head.

2. Allen Iverson : If one of them were his main sport, he could be great in either boxing or MMA. He's a born athlete with great ability and instincts. He's wiry strong, lightning quick and super-coordinated. He tops it all with long arms and unbelievable creativity.

1. Latrell Sprewell : He's not in the NBA anymore, but nevertheless, Spree has and lean and mean body to dominate almost any sport he puts his mind to. He's got a compact torso, long limbs, and not a wasted bone or muscle for peak athletic performance. He's explosive, both in terms of quickness and temperament. He's the type of guy you just don't mess with. Whenever he enters the ring or cage, he will be looking for the kill, and his body will help him get it.

Of course, we can't forget about Stephon Marbury. He already acts punch-drunk and with his new tat, he's working on his Iron Mike mentality. But if we're talking about a kung-fu street fight, it's Bruce Bowen all the way.

Links:
[The Caveman Network]: Cool Out!: Top 5 NBA Players Likely to Make Great Fighters

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And the award for fugliest baller ever goes to...

Posted on Mon Jun 16, 2008 at 10:41:07 AM EST in NBA
More on: NBA, ugly, Sam Cassell, Dirk Nowitzki, Steve Nash, Popeye Jones, Patrick Ewing (all tags)

Was there any doubt?

If we asked you to name us the ugliest player in the NBA, there's no doubt the words "Sam Cassell" would be rolling off you're tongue before we could even get the question out. But what about the ugliest player in the history of the league? A little tougher, huh? Actually, that's a pretty easy one as well: Sam Cassell. But what if you had to name nine other players to join E.T. on the NBA's All-Time Ugly Team? Now, that makes things a little more interesting. Here's the list that PartMule.com came up with.

10. Scottie Pippen
9. Dirk Nowitzki
8. Pau Gasol
7. Mark Eaton
6. The 1987 Boston Celtics
5. Patrick Ewing
4. Steve Nash
3. (tie) Chris Kaman and Popeye Jones
2. George Muresan
1. Sam Cassell

Wait a second! What about this guy? How'd he slip through the cracks?

Links:
[PartMule.com]: NBA's All-Time Ugly Team

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Top Ten Signs an NBA Game is Fixed

Posted on Thu Jun 12, 2008 at 11:18:54 AM EST in NBA
More on: David Letterman, Top Ten, NBA, gambling (all tags)

Thanks to Tim Donaghy's latest accusations, the NBA is once again under the microscope and everyone is wondering about the legitimacy of this year's Finals and the playoff outcomes along the way. Luckily, we have David Letterman who has a Top Ten list that can clear up all the questions about whether or not a game is crooked. Here's the Top Ten Signs an NBA Game Is Fixed:

10.Game begins 20 minutes before visiting team arrives

9.Tip-off always goes to the player with the largest salary

8.At the end of the first quarter, the score is 179 to 2

7.Missed three-pointers count for two points if they're "pretty close"

6.One of the Laker Girls looks suspiciously like Pete Rose

5.Whenever he's open, referee takes a shot

4.Scoreboard has disclaimer: "All Scores Approximate"

3.The team loses even though it led in points, delegates and the popular vote

2.Jack Nicholson scores 25 points from his seat

And the No. 1 sign an NBA game is fixed

1.The Knicks win

Links:
[CBS.com]: Top Ten Signs an NBA Game Is Fixed

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Jeff Van Gundy is gold in the booth! Gold!

Posted on Wed Jun 11, 2008 at 10:43:43 AM EST in NBA
More on: Jeff Van Gundy, Alyssa Milano, NBA, video (all tags)

We never thought we'd say this, but we love Jeff Van Gundy! We can't get enough of the guy and he is quickly climbing our list of former annoyances turned into priceless gold. In fact, if he keeps this up, he'll soon be joining Jim Rome and Bill Walton right at the top. After all, who else can slaughter Nick Lachey's name, admit to a monster crush on Alyssa Milano and then start cracking bald jokes all in the span of a quarter?

Yup, you're bald and we're loving it.

Links:
[Awful Announcing]: Van Gundy Has Lost His Mind, Talks Alyssa Milano And Haircuts During Game Three

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Those who can't play basketball obviously rap about basketball

Posted on Mon Jun 09, 2008 at 10:32:07 AM EST in NBA
More on: basketball, rap, video, stupid (all tags)

Remember back when Max Kellerman was rapping about boxing and Muhammad Ali and we totally ripped on him? Well, turns out that Max & Sam had some pretty sick mic skills; in comparison that is.

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Vern, Vern, Vern, Vern, Vern

Posted on Fri May 30, 2008 at 10:18:42 AM EST in NBA
More on: Vernon Maxwell, arest, NBA, child support (all tags)

Before there was Ron Artest and Sebastian Telfair there was Vernon Maxwell. From the end of his college career to the end of his 13-year stint as a pro, Maxwell was notorious for being a knucklehead. Well, apparently Mad Max refuses to slow down in his old age.

Former NBA player Vernon Maxwell was arrested in Charlotte on Thursday on charges related to failure to pay child support.

U.S. Marshals took Maxwell into federal custody at the Mecklenburg County Courthouse.

He was arrested for violating the conditions of federal supervision. Maxwell was originally sentenced to serve five years of federal probation for willful failure to pay child support.

Being a dead-beat dad is one of the biggest sins imaginable in our book, but you gotta admit it's a pretty tame charge by Maxwell standards. Let's briefly recap the lowlights of his adulthood.

In 1987, his final two years at Florida were completely wiped off the boards after he was found to have committed NCAA violations. In 1994, he attacked his Rockets teammate Carl Herrera with a free weight and then in 1995, he ran into the stands during a game and punched a fan as a prequel to Artest's brawl with the Detroit faithful. Maxwell followed that up by slapping his junk on the window of a car that rear-ended him. Oh, and he was found guilty of infecting a woman with herpes on purpose. He also became a fugitive and got popped with drugs in the recent past.

Now that's a reign of terror that even impresses veteran miscreants like Dennis Rodman and Mike Tyson.

Links:
[WCNC.com]: Former NBA player arrested in Charlotte

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