Tag: stupid

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Orlando Magic

The state of Florida is split on Billy Donovan’s decision indecision



It was fun while it lasted.

What’s up with the NBA and all this flopping that’s going on?  Well, we should really be more specific about what we’re talking about; we’re talking about the flip-flopping that is going on off the court, not the kind of flopping that Steve Nash perfected when Robert Horry gave him a lil’ pop.  Turns out that Kobe isn’t the only big name in the Association to wanna weasel out of something he said.

Billy Donovan reportedly wants out of the five-year, $27.5 million deal that he signed with the Magic on Friday to return to the Florida Gators.  And it looks like he just might get what he wants.  Apparently, Donovan heard blowhards like Dick Vitale over the weekend while they flapped their gums about how Donovan could have been the next Coach K. or John Wooden but instead chose to leave his college legacy behind for the big bucks.  Or maybe he just realized that college guys don’t fare too well in the NBA.  Either way, it doesn’t really matter because the two time champion signed the dotted line at the bottom of the Magic’s stationary, putting his future in their hands.

While it would be pointless to keep a guy around if he’s not fully committed to the job, we are really hoping that Orlando forces Donovan to stay.  After all, that is how a contract works, right?  You had a good thing going in Florida Billy, you really did but when you shook the hand of the Magic’s owner and put the pen to the paper, your Gator days became priceless memories.  And anyways, how would you feel if Joakim Noah had pulled out of his commitment with Florida before ever taking to the floor for a single practice.  Well, Noah probably isn’t the best example but you get the point.

Links:
[OrlandoSentinel.com]: Orlando Magic will allow Billy Donovan to return to Florida

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All Other Sports

Another fat guy thinks he’s a pro wrestler

We don’t usually bring you news from the world of pro wrestling; especially those crappy fringe promotions that are diluted with dreams of becoming the next WWE or TNA, but it’s hard to ignore a wrestler who is six feet tall and weight in at 600+ pounds. That’s right, we said over 600 pounds! That should make Rosie O’Donnell feel a little bit better about her girth.

Mike Stanco, oops, we mean Maximum Capacity has big dreams (could they be of any other variety?) of making it to the elite level in sports entertainment and he seems to think that his fat gut and saggy titties are just the gimmick to get his foot in the door. But if you’re one of those people who think that Jeff Gordon or Phil Helmuth are closer to being true “athletes” than greased up pro wrestlers, then this guy probably isn’t going to be the one to change you mind. Just listen to fat boy’s diet:

In one day, I know I’ve eaten more than 20,000 calories easy. I may have a McDonald’s meal where I’ll have four double cheeseburgers, two large fries and a 20-piece [McNuggets]. That’s about 4,000 calories. Then if you get a bag of chips and a thing of juice, that’s another 2,000.

Hey, at least he threw some juice in there. But regardless of his poor diet or lack of experience or lack of athletic ability or menial talent or…(should we go on?), Maximum Capacity seems to think that he’s the best big man to ever step through the ropes.

I’m not trying to be conceited, but I believe I’m the best big man this business has ever seen. Better than Yokozuna, Andre [the Giant], Big Show and all those guys. None of those guys are able to move the way I do inside the ring.

Here, you be the judge:

Personally, we think that those guys’ legacies are all pretty safe. But if Maximum Capacity keeps up his McDonald’s diet then he could challenge this tub of lard for the most disturbing story of poor health in the history of civilization.

Links:

[Sun-Sentinel.com]: His 600 pounds are weighing heavily on wrestler `Maximum Capacity’ Stanco
[MaxCapacity.com]: Maximum Capacity Home Page

Categories
Oakland Raiders

Raiders fans are some douche bags, ya heard?

We all know that Raiders fans are a bunch of whackos that are one chromosome short of becoming full fledged human beings. So, it’s not really fair to put these mutants up against their rivals, 49ers fan, in a fist fight. Everyone knows that the brute physical strength would give those meatheads a decided advantage over the flower smelling hippies in San Francisco. What is fair, however, is to give Raider fan an opponent of equal mental capacity; like a 49er helmet for example.

First off, here’s a little insight from an outsiders perspective: you guys aren’t black! What’s with all the Ebonics? But that’s beside the point. We love how these guys think that a firecracker is just going to blow the helmet to smithereens. You gotta give these douches an “A” for effort though, but eventually even a Raider fan was able to figure out that no firecrackers, samurai sword, scooter, gun or blow darts can compete with a good ol’ fashioned smackin’ from a nine iron. Ya’ know what I mean, kid?

Keep an eye out for our favorite moment of dialogue when one of the dumbasses looks into the camera and says “I’ll shoot your motherfuckin’ ass with a blowdart, dawg.”

Links:

[49ersNews.com]: Video: Why Raider Fans Shouldn’t Inbreed

Categories
MLB General

Rickey Henderson is still humble after all these years


So, now that Roger Clemens has made his return to the big leagues, Rickey Henderson has been all over the place trying to get a gig of his own in the pros. But while he waits for some sucker to sign him, he’s enjoying his free days by getting reacquainted with America’s pastime and on Monday he took in a game between the Mets and Giants at AT&T Park.

Turned out Rickey was in the right place at the right time because he ended up snagging a foul ball while sitting in the stands. No big deal, right? After all, it’s not the first time that Henderson has made a nice catch. But apparently Henderson wanted to add the ball to his personal collection of memorabilia and he refused to give it up to some lil’ tike that was sitting by him. What a swell guy!

Everybody was asking me for the ball,” Henderson said Tuesday, according to the Star-Ledger of Newark, N.J. “I said, ‘You’re not getting this ball. I always wanted to get a foul ball. This one’s going on a shelf at home.’

But to prove that he wasn’t a complete jerk, Henderson did sign a ball that the kid already had. Seems to us that he could have just flipped the ball to the kid; c’mon, is he really going to move his AL MVP, Golden Glove or ALCS MVP awards down the shelf so that he can prominently display the foul ball he caught? Everyone knows just how selfish and conceded this guy is. Who else but Rickey says stuff like “Lou Brock was the symbol of great base stealing. But today, I’m the greatest of all time,” after breaking a record? Oh well, as Rickey would say, “That’s just Rickey being Rickey.”

Links:

[SignOnSanDiego.com]: Want a foul ball? Then catch it, kid

Categories
Baltimore Orioles

Rick Dempsey strikes out in his first at-bat of the season

Rick Dempsey knows how to be a professional ball player and he also knows the ins and outs of being a studio host on Mid-Atlantic Sports Network, but he still has a lot to learn about being a broadcaster inside the booth. Seems like Rick is having a bit of trouble with the whole improv and spur of the moment conversation that is essential to a live game.

In his first game of the season as a commentator on Saturday, Dempsey made a complete jackass out of himself when Laura Giuliani, the wife of O’s left fielder Jay Gibbons, was in the booth to promote an upcoming fundraiser intended to raise awareness about domestic violence. So, what’s one of the first things to come out of Dempsey’s mouth but, of course, a completely retarded joke about Giuliani strangling her husband. Everything is going pretty smoothly until about the 2:45 mark of the video:

Dempsey came out and apologized for his comment but there’s no rewind button in life, so, unfortunately, people are going to remember his little slip of the tongue mind. Things sure are a lot easier in the safe confines of the studio where all the words just magically appear on the screen in front of you, aren’t they Rick?

Links:

[BaltimoreSun.com]: Dempsey’s remarks no laughing matter

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All Other Sports

The NXBL is here but don’t worry, it’ll be gone soon

A while back we told you about the National Xtreme Baseball League and now we’ve finally got the video proof that we weren’t just making stuff up after “Dollar Beer Night” at Mooseknuckles. So, here’s a little recap of the history and rules of the game with some sweet commentary to go along with the eternally classic Kiss hit Rock & Roll All Night in the background.

Does this guy know that he is talking about “extreme baseball?” Because by the tone of his voice it sounds like he’s reading the phone book or perhaps doing his best Ben Stein impersonation. C’mon man, give us something to get excited about; the game certainly isn’t going to do that by itself. Geez, we’ve heard more passion during an episode of Great American Gardens, um, not that we watch that or anything. But our favorite part is when this bore spouts out his lines in a monotone fashion at the 1:28 mark:

It would take a tremendous amount of focus on the player, the umpires and the fans part to take in the game of extreme baseball. Wow, this is extreme.

Links:

[Deuce of Davenport]: National Xtreme Baseball…ye Gods…

Categories
MLB General

Major League Baseball doesn’t care about kids with cancer



Ain’t hurtin’ nobody

[Update: According to Lopez@Large, backlash against MLB/sympathy for Sunshine Kids has increased donations today.]

Bud Selig and his minions aren’t doing a very good job of making MLB look good. First there was the whole DirecTV exclusive deal fiasco. Now they’re pissing off baseball fans, Craig Biggio, and basically anyone who has a heart.

The commissioners office told Biggio, the national spokesman for the Sunshine Kids foundation, that he has to stop wearing a Sunshine Kids logo pin during Spring Training.


I’m not a disrespectful person and I don’t disrespect the game. But I’ve been wearing this pin for 20 years because it puts smiles on 20,000-something cancer patients’ faces. Major League Baseball does a lot of good things, but this is one of the stupid things.

We understand the need to maintain uniform integrity (because next thing you know Manny Ramirez will be putting his ebay listings on his hat) but this is spring training! How much harm is Craig Biggio doing by having a small pin on his hat. From MLB’s reaction (they told him the umpires would make sure he wasn’t wearing the pin), you’d think Biggio had stitched a Nazi flag on his lid.

Look, we realize that baseball can’t just allow players to wear whatever they want. We certainly don’t want to see nine different colored ribbons out on the field for each players’ pet projects but did we mention this is spring training! Just let it slide.

Links:
[Houston Chronicle]: MLB bars Biggio from wearing pin

Categories
All Other Sports

Plot to poison race horses uncovered


Remote control devices and poison darts were found at the Royal Hong Kong Jockey Club’s Happy Valley track. Staff there found long metal tubes filled with poisoned darts buried beneath the turf on the track. The tubes were wired together and linked to a wireless receiver. It is believed that someone wanted to use a remote control device to set off the darts and affect the outcome of races.

This is the most technologically advanced yet stupid plot we’ve ever heard of. According to the club’s chief executive, the darts were designed “to cause destruction and injury”. Now we’re probably not talking about a Barbaro-like collapse on the track but wouldn’t someone notice a dart hanging out of a horse? And wouldn’t it be a little suspicious when that horse eventually keeled over? And wouldn’t that render the race results void? Good luck collecting on that ticket.

To make it more moronic, the plot was planned at a race course with top security and which made almost $13 Billion last year. Not surprising that it didn’t work.

Links:
[Guardian UK]: Poison darts found at Hong Kong racetrack