Posted on Thu Aug 07, 2008 at 10:53:05 AM EST in NFL
More on: Brett Favre, Jets, ESPN (all tags)

Now that Brett Favre has been traded to the NY Jets, the Favre-llatio has gotten out of control. Anyway, we've taken some quotes about Brett Favre and doctored them up, added in a few fake ones, and threw in one real quote. Can you figure out which one it is?

• "He gives the Jets their biggest star since Namath, gives the Jets their best chance to overcome Bill Belichick and Tom Brady, makes them a legitimate Super Bowl contender. And I'll volunteer to take one for the team and give him his prostate exam for his physical... with strawberry jam...mmmmm... " - Steve Serby, NY Post
• "He left after several days because he has more respect for the Packers than the Packers have for him. He will always have a special place in my pants... I mean heart." - Gene Wojciechowski
• "The bottom line in all of this is playing football. I've always been committed to my job. I know people say I should put the personal issues aside, and I agree, but I couldn't do that. Maybe they'll finally appreciate me in New York and give me the attention I've always deserved." -Brett Favre
• "Man, fuck Brett Favre" - Chad Pennington
• "I know how hard it is to play quarterback. It could be the toughest thing in sports. When you take a guy who does it as well as Brett Favre for as long as Brett Favre and then you take all those other things and just squish `em all up together you have a pretty special guy. And when you add in the fact that he always gives me the 'warning tap' even though he knows I swallow, well, that's a gentleman and a scholar right there." - John Madden
• "Hey Brett, tell me how my ass taste." - Aaron Rodgers
• "And you know what? I don't care whether people are Packers fans or whatever, I'll reiterate what we said, rooting for Favre is like rooting for America. I think with Brett Favre, the smile that he still has, it must have been the same kid running around in Kiln, Mississippi, it's still the same kid, except he's going to be running around in the Meadowlands thrilling everybody. And you know what else? When he shoves his unit into my mouth, it's even more thrilling!" - Chris Berman
• "The number one sight in football thus far has been Brett Favre running down the field into the arms of his receivers. It's wonderful. America loves that. This team can play. Brett Favre is back. This guy has captured America." - Bill Plaschke

Sadly, the real quote isn't that far removed from the fake quotes. It's Bill Plaschke falling all over himself, and elbowing Chris Berman out of the way, to fellate Favre.

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Posted on Mon Aug 04, 2008 at 12:42:13 PM EST in NFL
More on: Brett Favre, Packers, Dream Team, LeBron James, Art Monk, Quinton Jackson, Paul Pierce, video, Odds and Ends (all tags)

Adolf Hitler might be a true blue Cowboys fan, but he's just as sick of the Brett Favre drama as the rest of us.

In other news...

[YardBarker.com]: Can you name the entire 1992 Dream Team? You got two minutes. Go!

[Red Sox Monster]: "Defrost Ted" tee hits the shelves

[SI.com]: Cancel your order for a No. 23 Olympiakos jersey

[SignOnSanDiego.com]: Please, please, please don't take our drunk athletes away!

[Rear Naked News]: Quinton Jackson's life continues to spiral out of control

[Awful Announcing]: Art Monk finally gets his props

[Home Run Derby]: What you talking `bout, umpire?!

[Boston.com]: Paul Pierce gets bracelets to match his new ring

[Epic Carnival]: Bobblehead makers are truly the lowest form of artist

[Uncoached]: Which Sweet Lou face is your favorite?

[The Ghosts of Wayne Fontes]: Awwww, man; we're Stephen A. Smith!

[CollegeOTR.com]: College can be a career killer

[SamePageSports.com]: If you said Coach K is the cheesiest person alive then give yourself a pat on the back

[Cousins of Ron Mexico]: "The 2008 Bejing Ol-Chimp-ics." Thank goodness we're not the only ones who don't use spell-check

And finally, another classic video of a cheerleader getting trampled by the football team.

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Posted on Fri Jul 25, 2008 at 01:19:34 PM EST in MLB
More on: Ichiro Suzuki, Colt Brennan, Super Bowl, fantasy football, LeBron James, Brett Favre, George Brett, Redskins, video, Odds and Ends (all tags)

Ever since we heard about Ichiro Suzuki's out of character behavior every year at the All-Star Game, we thought something about the story sounded a little fishy. Well, we were right. As it turns out, Ichiro was accidentally exposed to the blast of a test detonation of a gamma bomb as a child. The effects were startling, making him a baseball machine, but also creating an emotional and impulsive alter ego. When anger or frustration set in, the transformation occurs. So, please, whenever around Ichiro, don't make him angry. You wouldn't like him when he's angry.

In other news...

[D.C. Sports Bog]: Colt Brennan is a system QB...and a dork

[FoodCourtLunch.com]: Super Bowl halftime performer odds are released

[Kissing Suzy Kolber]: `Joe Simpson's Daughter Touching Company' and other snazzy fantasy football team names

[IntentionalFoul.com]: LeBron says the USA is as good as gold

[Chicago Bull]: Would you want to wrestle a Long Wang?

[eTrueSports.com]: "Brett, who is this Purple People Eater that keeps texting you?"

[Sportaphile.com]: Wow, has it really been 25 years and day since this...

[Bugs & Cranks]: We thought it was just passion, but cocaine is much more reasonable

[SimonOnSports.com]: We did much better on the "What Bra Size Do I Wear? Erin Andrews Edition"

[Fanhouses Boxing]: Wait, we missed the World Chess Boxing Championships again?!?

[The Zone Blitz]: A tour of Pac-10 stadiums, Google Earth style

[Mr. Irrelevant]: Redskins bust out the big balls to practice for upcoming Wipeout tryouts

[The Big Lead]: Last night's minor league baseball rumble from a fan's POV

[ABC News]: Ricky Williams is all over this article

[Blue Monkey Disco Party]: Bet you don't have these cards in your collection

[Our of Right Field]: Remember this guy?

[Metacafe.com]: Some call it a prank, we call it a GREAT day

And finally, dude, use your star power!

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Posted on Fri Jul 25, 2008 at 10:33:08 AM EST in Other Sports
More on: NFL, NBA, MLB, Mark Cuban, Brett Favre, Hall of Fame (all tags)

As sports junkies, we get inundated with crazy opinions every single day. Mostly from the moronic panels of First Take and Around the Horn, but even those guys aren't whacky enough to say what's on most Americans minds. Nope, if you want to hear the real dirt from the world of sports then you need to turn to Epic Carnival because they're willing to say the things nobody on TV has the balls to say. Like No. 5, for example.

10. Aaron Rodgers is better than Brett Favre

9. The fact that a WNBA team has hired a 50-year-old player does not say good things about the competitive level of the league

8. If some employer offered you ridiculous money to go to Europe, you'd go too

7. Unless a minor league team is having a brawl, manager meltdown, or topical publicity gag, no one gives a damn about anything they do

6. Mark Cuban has never won anything of consequence, whines like a spoiled child over any loss, and would in no way be perfect for the Cubs

5. Many people in the United States would be happier if Team USA lost in basketball, because they just hate the NBA and/or black people

4. The Baseball Hall of Fame's posthumous induction of Buck O'Neill just underscores how much the Hall of Fame sucks

3. If Barry Bonds ever plays baseball again, he won't be very good

2. 99% of the people who are watching footage of people running with the bulls are rooting for the bulls to crush as many people as possible

1. New stadium projects are almost always unnecessary at best, and rank corporate theft at worst... and they are aided and abetted by coddling the media in swankier rooms

Links:
[Epic Carnival]: Top 10 Sports Opinions That You Will Not Hear On Television

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Posted on Wed Jul 23, 2008 at 12:54:00 PM EST in MLB
More on: sex, cheating, Kerry Collins, Peter King, WWF, TV, NFL, tennis, MMA, Brett Favre, Kevin Durant, UCLA, Allison Stokke, Greg Oden, video, Odds and Ends (all tags)

Athletes and infidelity go together like peanut butter and jelly or like athletes and hookers. They're simply made for each other, but that doesn't mean that the cheating has to become public. According to BlackSportsOnline.com, an athlete doesn't have to keep it in their pants in order to keep their name out of the paper. Simply following this list of The 10 Bona Fide Commandments For The Cheating Athlete should be more than enough.

I- IF THOU SHALL WIFE HER, THOU BETTER MAKE SURE SHE DOESN'T CARE IF YOU CHEAT.

II- THOU SHALL ALWAYS HAVE A PRENUP.

III- THOU SHALL NOT CARE IF WIFEY CHEATS ON YOU.

IV- THOU SHALL ALWAYS REMEMBER IT IS CHEAPER TO KEEP HER.

V- THOU SHALL NEVER SLEEP WITH ANYONE IN COLORADO NOR ANYONE NAMED KATIE WITH A JOURNALISM DEGREE, EVEN FROM A COMMUNITY COLLEGE.

VI- THOU SHALL NEVER CHEAT WITH AN OBSESSED FAN.

VII- THOU SHALL REMEMBER CONDOMS COST $8 A BOX AS OPPOSED TO 25% OF YOUR GROSS INCOME GOING TO CHILD SUPPORT.

VIII- THOU SHALL REMEMBER THEY ARE STRIPPERS AND PROSTITUTES FOR A REASON.

IX- THOU SHALL NOT CHEAT WITH CELEBRITIES.

X- THOU SHALL TREAT BOTH YOUR "SIDE-PIECE" & YOUR WIFE LIKE A QUEEN.

Learn it. Memorize it. Live by it.

In other news...

[Tirico Suave]: Kerry Collins stars in "God Dammit"

[Kissing Suzy Kolber]: Peter King stars in "Peter King Needs A Latte"

[Heavy.com]: Top 10 old school WWF wrestlers

[Gossip Girls]: Kim Kardashian might be on Dancing With the Stars. Schwing

[Deuce of Davenport]: Crazy-ass NFL merchandise, including the "creepiest sleeping bag ever"

[All Balls]: Just follow the bouncing boobs. Oh, god, we mean breasts. Uh, err, no, balls; wait, ball. Yea, that's it; just follow the bouncing boobs. Dammit

[Rear Naked News]: Michael Bisping might have a death wish

[NE Patriots Draft]: More of Brett Favre this...

[StarTribune.com]: And more of Brett Favre that

[The Associated Press]: Congratulations on becoming the drunkest guy ever, Mr. 0.491 Percent Blood Alcohol Level

[The City of Champions]: The ol `Take off your shirt so we can get a picture of you and Photoshop it onto the cover of a gay porn rag' trick gets `em every time

[The Redshirt Senior]: College pigskin's top 10 lids

[Storming the Floor]: Texas set to retire Kevin Durant's jersey. Sure, it was one heckuva season, but, damn!

[LAist.com]: UCLA is soooo totally ass-some

[Banned In Hollywood]: What? Allison's back?? Quick, how's our hair?

[FunnyOrDie.com]: Handsome + Me + Funny = Host

[SlashFilm.com]: Can you believe The Big Lebowski is already 10 years old?! Our baby's growing up so quickly

And finally, when "Haha, now you're dead!" is the absolute best you can do, these are the guys to call on.

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Posted on Mon Jul 14, 2008 at 12:40:34 PM EST in NFL
More on: Brett Favre, video, fantasy football, Alex Rodriguez, Chauncey Billups, video games, Billy Packer, Ron Artest, WWE, Kobe Bryant, Shaquille O'Neal, Odds and Ends (all tags)

What do Brett Favre and Jon Bon Jovi have in common? Well, they're both buddies with Ron Jaworski and their careers just won't seem to die, but that's not all. Thanks to the guys over at Ryan Parker Songs, we now know that they also have this crappy song in common. The words are included, so sing along. And don't pretend you don't know the rhythm; we saw you at the stadium when the Slipper When Wet Tour rolled through town.

I've been missing playing ball since I called it to an end,
So I went out for some two hand touch with some neighbors and a friend,
As I passed the ball around, it felt so good, I think I found,
That number 4 could still play ball, so I gave the Packers one more call,
And said I've got good news, yeah, I'm coming back,
But they told me I was smoking crack,

They said never, but I'll play forever,
Never say goodbye, never say goodbye,
I'll find somewhere that I can play even if it's not Green Bay,
Say goodbye, never say goodbye,
Now Aaron Rodgers is the guy, but number 4 will never say goodbye,

I'm inspired by what some guys have done like when Jordan played for Washington,
Oh I hope that time's been good to me and I'm more like Foreman than Ali,
No, I've got no secrets unrevealed and I don't need cash like Holyfield,
I just want to find somewhere to throw even if it's for Bon Jovi's Soul,
Cause I've still got skills, I've still got game,
I'm not ready for the hall of fame,

Never, cause I'll play forever,
Never say goodbye, never say goodbye,
I'll find somewhere that I can play even if it's not Green Bay,
Say goodbye, never say goodbye,
Now Aaron Rodgers is the guy, but number 4 will never say goodbye,
I probably made John Madden cry cause number 4 will never say goodbye ...

In other news...

[YardBarker.com]: The question on every fantasy football player's mind

[SoxAddict.org]: The Material Girls goes to Toronto to see A-Rod play

[BleedEaglesGreen.com]: First Elton Brand and now Chauncey Billups, maybe Philly can be the next Boston

[The Angry T]: Rejected EA Sports NCAA 2009 covers

[Intentional Foul.com]: Say hello to our new screen saver

[TheFavreologist]: Finally, someone is capable of explaining "Favre's Role as a Gay Icon" to us

[MiamiHerald.com]: Hit the road, Pack!

[Can't Stop The Bleeding]: Ron Artest does his best "Both teams played hard" routine

[JoeSportsFan.com]: Screw the WWE, here's some classic moments from the WWF

[InventorSpot.com]: The best sports logos EVER!

And finally, Kobe is one sneaky son of a gun.

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Posted on Tue Jul 08, 2008 at 10:55:54 AM EST in NFL
More on: Brett Favre, retirement, NFL, Packers (all tags)

We all knew that when Brett Favre tearfully said goodbye to the Packers and the game of football, he'd eventually be back. Of course, we thought he would at least sit out one season before getting the itch again, but news sources are now revealing that No. 4 might be showing that infamous childlike enthusiasm sooner rather than later. Since word broke, most people have been focusing on why Favre shouldn't return, but not flatusyahu.com, they've got Ten Reasons Brett Favre Wants To Play Football Again.

1. He needs to do something to get Madonna's attention.

2. The reality that Eli Manning has the same number of Super Bowl rings is too much for him to bear.

3. In the throes of early stage dementia, he may be under the mistaken impression that Randy Moss and Cris Carter still play for the Vikings.

4. Wants to be able to tell grandchildren that he played for Sesame Street's Mr. Noodle.

5. Safer to deal with the Madden jinx on the football field than on the farm.

6. Apparently, he always liked the smell of the astroturf at the Metrodome.

7. After consulting the Farmer's Almanac, he decided 2013 is a bad year for Hall-of-Fame inductions.

8. Cash is tight when the There's Something About Mary sequel is put in turnaround.

9. Enjoys tearful retirement pressers so much, he wants to make them an annual event.

10. According to Favre, Vikings owner Ziggy Wilf is "just like my neighbors down in Mississippi".

And, of course, the obvious reason for returning: more Brett Favre boogie!

Links:
[flatusyahu.com]: Ten Reasons Brett Favre Wants To Play Football Again

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Posted on Thu Jul 03, 2008 at 01:05:24 PM EST in NFL
More on: Brett Favre, Packers, NFL, Alex Rodriguez, Urijah Faber, Wayne Gretzky, Rampage Jackson, Dick Vitale, Erin Andrews, MLB, Len Bias, video, Odds and Ends (all tags)

With rumors ferociously swirling around a potential Brett Favre comeback, everyone is now buzzing about the possibilities. "Are we going to get one more year of horribly timed interceptions?" "Will we get one more season of John Madden slobbering over No. 4?" "Could we still see another euphoric sprint to the end zone?" Who knows. Actually, Tirico Suave knows and they've come up with a pair of headlines from the distant future regarding the NFL's ironman. As indicated, Favre will die at the age of 89, but that still doesn't mean his playing days are over.

In other news...

[NYDailyNews.com]: "Hey, Madonna, whatcha doing tonight?"

[MMAMania.com]: Next up for Urijah Faber is Mike Brown

[The Big Lead]: Thank goodness, she looks nothing like her father

[Throwdown.com]: Rampage is practicing his gangsta rap poses

[Awful Announcing]: Dickie V is just like the rest of us. He's smitten with Erin Andrews too

[The Wizard of Odds]: Art of the cupcake schedule

[Home Run Derby]: Ooh-la-la. Dodgers coconut bra

[ESPN]: Extraordinary piece on the impact of Len Bias' life and death

[The Bad News Bloggers]: Top 10 reasons the NFL salary cap must stay in place

[FBKid's Sports Minute]: It's never too early to start thinking about fantasy football breakout players

[The Sporting Blog]: Weeeeeeeees and pees

And finally, "ringing the bell," huh? So, that's what you kids call it these days.

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Posted on Fri Apr 25, 2008 at 10:04:23 AM EST in NFL
More on: Brett Favre, John Madden, Madden NFL 09, video game (all tags)

If you weren't convinced that John Madden has a serious man crush on Brett Favre then here's even more proof. The fat man has decided to put the former (for now at least) Green Bay quarterback on the cover of next season's Madden game. Yup, good ol' No. 4 will be in our everyday lives for at least one more season according to SportsBusiness Daily who released the news yesterday about "Madden NFL 09." Might sound far-fetched, but Favre appeared on the Late Show with David Letterman last night and confirmed the story.

Of course, this isn't necessarily a good thing. We all know about the curse of the Madden game. Luckily, Favre probably won't be on the field to get his neck snapped or his leg cracked, but drunken arrests or possible penn time could be looming if the cover trend holds true. Just to refresh everyone's memories, past players to grace the game include Eddie George, Daunte Culpepper, Michael Vick, Ray Lewis, Dononvan McNabb and Shaun Alexander. But after the roller coaster ride that has been Favre's life, a little Madden curse ain't gonna hurt the gunslinger. And for players, the Packers should probably your new favorite team to control, considering this is Madden's farewell gift to Favre, expect him to have 100-ratings across the board.

Links:
[MyFoxLubbock.com]: Madden O9 Uncovered: Favre to Break Curse

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Posted on Thu Apr 10, 2008 at 03:12:06 PM EST in NFL
More on: Packers, Brett Favre, video, music, tribute (all tags)

Most people are sick and stinking tired of hearing about Brett Favre's retirement. In fact, nobody really believes the guy is retired because until the Packers take to the field without a No. 4 on the roster, he could still weasel his way back into uniform. Personally, we're pretty content with Favre riding off into the sunset, but we can't speak all the Cheeseheads out there. So, we'll let this babe handle that.

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