FOUND: Charlie Weis' audition tape for The Three Tenors

Posted on Tue Jul 29, 2008 at 02:17:12 AM EST in MLB
More on: Cubs, singing, Charlie Weis, video, funny (all tags)

Anytime someone climbs up to the announcer's box at a Cubbies game for an opportunity to lead the home crowd in "Take Me Out To The Ballgame," it's usually going to end with cats screeching and dogs howling. After all, when is the last time you were watching WGN and saw a rendition that made you stand and applaud? Never, that's when. So, as expected, when Charlie Weis hoisted himself up to the skybox, he proved he's tone deaf and we got a kick out of it.

That was pretty bad, but don't worry, Ozzy, you're still the man.

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Odds and Ends: Ichiro goes bananas

Posted on Fri Jul 25, 2008 at 01:19:34 PM EST in MLB
More on: Ichiro Suzuki, Colt Brennan, Super Bowl, fantasy football, LeBron James, Brett Favre, George Brett, Redskins, video, Odds and Ends (all tags)

Ever since we heard about Ichiro Suzuki's out of character behavior every year at the All-Star Game, we thought something about the story sounded a little fishy. Well, we were right. As it turns out, Ichiro was accidentally exposed to the blast of a test detonation of a gamma bomb as a child. The effects were startling, making him a baseball machine, but also creating an emotional and impulsive alter ego. When anger or frustration set in, the transformation occurs. So, please, whenever around Ichiro, don't make him angry. You wouldn't like him when he's angry.

In other news...

[D.C. Sports Bog]: Colt Brennan is a system QB...and a dork

[FoodCourtLunch.com]: Super Bowl halftime performer odds are released

[Kissing Suzy Kolber]: `Joe Simpson's Daughter Touching Company' and other snazzy fantasy football team names

[IntentionalFoul.com]: LeBron says the USA is as good as gold

[Chicago Bull]: Would you want to wrestle a Long Wang?

[eTrueSports.com]: "Brett, who is this Purple People Eater that keeps texting you?"

[Sportaphile.com]: Wow, has it really been 25 years and day since this...

[Bugs & Cranks]: We thought it was just passion, but cocaine is much more reasonable

[SimonOnSports.com]: We did much better on the "What Bra Size Do I Wear? Erin Andrews Edition"

[Fanhouses Boxing]: Wait, we missed the World Chess Boxing Championships again?!?

[The Zone Blitz]: A tour of Pac-10 stadiums, Google Earth style

[Mr. Irrelevant]: Redskins bust out the big balls to practice for upcoming Wipeout tryouts

[The Big Lead]: Last night's minor league baseball rumble from a fan's POV

[ABC News]: Ricky Williams is all over this article

[Blue Monkey Disco Party]: Bet you don't have these cards in your collection

[Our of Right Field]: Remember this guy?

[Metacafe.com]: Some call it a prank, we call it a GREAT day

And finally, dude, use your star power!

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Odds and Ends: This whole Alex Rodriguez sex scandal could have easily been avoided

Posted on Wed Jul 23, 2008 at 12:54:00 PM EST in MLB
More on: sex, cheating, Kerry Collins, Peter King, WWF, TV, NFL, tennis, MMA, Brett Favre, Kevin Durant, UCLA, Allison Stokke, Greg Oden, video, Odds and Ends (all tags)

Athletes and infidelity go together like peanut butter and jelly or like athletes and hookers. They're simply made for each other, but that doesn't mean that the cheating has to become public. According to BlackSportsOnline.com, an athlete doesn't have to keep it in their pants in order to keep their name out of the paper. Simply following this list of The 10 Bona Fide Commandments For The Cheating Athlete should be more than enough.

I- IF THOU SHALL WIFE HER, THOU BETTER MAKE SURE SHE DOESN'T CARE IF YOU CHEAT.

II- THOU SHALL ALWAYS HAVE A PRENUP.

III- THOU SHALL NOT CARE IF WIFEY CHEATS ON YOU.

IV- THOU SHALL ALWAYS REMEMBER IT IS CHEAPER TO KEEP HER.

V- THOU SHALL NEVER SLEEP WITH ANYONE IN COLORADO NOR ANYONE NAMED KATIE WITH A JOURNALISM DEGREE, EVEN FROM A COMMUNITY COLLEGE.

VI- THOU SHALL NEVER CHEAT WITH AN OBSESSED FAN.

VII- THOU SHALL REMEMBER CONDOMS COST $8 A BOX AS OPPOSED TO 25% OF YOUR GROSS INCOME GOING TO CHILD SUPPORT.

VIII- THOU SHALL REMEMBER THEY ARE STRIPPERS AND PROSTITUTES FOR A REASON.

IX- THOU SHALL NOT CHEAT WITH CELEBRITIES.

X- THOU SHALL TREAT BOTH YOUR "SIDE-PIECE" & YOUR WIFE LIKE A QUEEN.

Learn it. Memorize it. Live by it.

In other news...

[Tirico Suave]: Kerry Collins stars in "God Dammit"

[Kissing Suzy Kolber]: Peter King stars in "Peter King Needs A Latte"

[Heavy.com]: Top 10 old school WWF wrestlers

[Gossip Girls]: Kim Kardashian might be on Dancing With the Stars. Schwing

[Deuce of Davenport]: Crazy-ass NFL merchandise, including the "creepiest sleeping bag ever"

[All Balls]: Just follow the bouncing boobs. Oh, god, we mean breasts. Uh, err, no, balls; wait, ball. Yea, that's it; just follow the bouncing boobs. Dammit

[Rear Naked News]: Michael Bisping might have a death wish

[NE Patriots Draft]: More of Brett Favre this...

[StarTribune.com]: And more of Brett Favre that

[The Associated Press]: Congratulations on becoming the drunkest guy ever, Mr. 0.491 Percent Blood Alcohol Level

[The City of Champions]: The ol `Take off your shirt so we can get a picture of you and Photoshop it onto the cover of a gay porn rag' trick gets `em every time

[The Redshirt Senior]: College pigskin's top 10 lids

[Storming the Floor]: Texas set to retire Kevin Durant's jersey. Sure, it was one heckuva season, but, damn!

[LAist.com]: UCLA is soooo totally ass-some

[Banned In Hollywood]: What? Allison's back?? Quick, how's our hair?

[FunnyOrDie.com]: Handsome + Me + Funny = Host

[SlashFilm.com]: Can you believe The Big Lebowski is already 10 years old?! Our baby's growing up so quickly

And finally, when "Haha, now you're dead!" is the absolute best you can do, these are the guys to call on.

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The Manny Ramirez mood of the day is surprisingly reserved

Posted on Wed Jul 23, 2008 at 09:50:02 AM EST in MLB
More on: Red Sox, Mariners, Manny Ramirez, cop, funny (all tags)

Sometimes when Manny Ramirez is simply being "Manny" there are no shenanigans or tomfoolery or high jinks involved on his part. Sometimes Manny is literally just being Manny and zaniness occurs around him. Like when the Red Sox went to Seattle to play the Mariners and Man-Ram got a post game lecturing from a cop.

Seems that Boston slugger Manny Ramirez was leaving the ballpark, with headphones on trying to look inconspicuous and quickly get away from the crowds still leaving the stadium. He started to cross South Royal Brougham Way, against the signals of a traffic cop who was directing pedestrians. The police officer demanded that Ramirez open his wallet and show identification. He warned him that he could face a $500 fine and possible arrest for disobeying a police officer.

It became clear to those watching that the policeman had no idea who Ramirez was. He didn't ask for an autograph or anything, but did ask Ramirez if he'd attended the game. After the brief lecture, and no argument from Ramirez, the police officer let him go with no further trouble.

Wow, Ramirez really is learning to take the high road and curb his behaviors. We thought for sure the incident would get a "Do you know who I am?" outta Manny or at the very least he would have run away and tried to hide inside the nearest wall.

Links:
[Mariners Blog]: Lester dominates; Ramirez lectured by traffic cop

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Baseball's underutilized sexual innuendos

Posted on Mon Jul 21, 2008 at 10:32:11 AM EST in MLB
More on: baseball, announcing, funny, phrases, sex (all tags)

Sports are peppered with tons of sexual innuendos. Personally, we can't hear the description "deep penetration" without giggling like little school girls. And we all know about getting to first, second, and, if you're lucky, third base with a chick. But what about the underappreciated other metaphors that rarely see the light of day? They're out there, you just probably never understood the references behind the everyday descriptions. So, here are some phrases besides "slump buster" to listen for the next time you're watching a baseball game or listening to your buddies talk about their weekends on the prowl.

Sacrifice Fly: A term describing the act of "taking one for the team". You sacrifice your dignity and get with a below average friend of a girl so that he can score.

First Base Coach: This represents your wingman. Once you get to first, he advises you to either make your way to second or stop at first if he knows you won't make it.

Check Your Swing: This symbolizes being about to get with a girl, but then at the last moment decide that it's not a good idea, and that you'll try your chances when a better girl/pitch comes along.

Fielder's Choice: This term comes into play when 2 guys are both trying to get with the same girl, and you know that she is going to throw one of them out and one is going to reach base.

Foul Ball: This has the simple meaning of being shut down, but in a nice way. You try to put the ball in the field of play to get on any base, but you a turned away and must try again on a different pitch.

Ace: This is a girl that rarely lets any guys get on base. Only if a guy is a really good hitter will he have any chance of getting anywhere with this girl.

Bases Loaded: This is just a full out orgy. You have a guy on first base, second base, and third base all at the same time, all within the same area. If you reach base, you know at least one of them is going to reach home plate.

Strikeout Looking: This term means the girl has given the guy a clear sign she wants him on one of the bases, but he just lets it go by and the opportunity is lost.

Stealing Home: Rape.

Links:
[CollegeHumor.com]: Less Common Baseball Sex Terms

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Odds and Ends: Wolverine?! We always pegged Robin as an All Star catcher

Posted on Thu Jul 17, 2008 at 04:42:22 PM EST in MLB
More on: MLB, baseball, Odds and Ends (all tags)

If you're anything like us then a lot of your childhood consisted of comic books and sports. When our nose wasn't buried in the latest edition of X-Men, Punisher or Green Lantern, we would be pretending we possessed super powers while trying to school each other on court/field/diamond/whatever. So, when Brahsome.com released their 2008 Super Hero All-Stars, we instantly thought "What the hell! Why isn't Nightcrawler playing in the outfield?!?"

1. Flash (SS) -- We don't need to explain why Flash is at the top of the lineup do we? A ridiculous combination of OBP and stolen bases, the only thing keeping him from being the perfect leadoff man is that he doesn't speak in the third person.

2. Spiderman (CF) -- You think Torii Hunter can climb walls? Please. Spidey sense tells him how to line up the defense and his webbing and speed turns him into some freakish combination of Willie Mays and Junior. Plus, it just seems like he could slap singles all day long.

3. Superman (LF) -- X-Ray vision and faster than a speeding bullet probably don't "hurt" anyone in the batter's box. Flying isn't a bad superpower to rock out in the field either.

4. The Thing (DH) -- An incredibly strong dude made of literal rock isn't much good for anything besides cleaning up. Like Papi, but with less fat and more taterjacks.

5. Batman (3B) -- The only man on the planet with more tools than David Wright.

6. Wolverine (C) -- Just in case you thought you got through the heart of the order, Wolvie is here to gnash at six. Literally a meast. And obviously not someone you want to try and bowl over at home plate. Shink-shink, son.

7. Punisher (RF) -- He doesn't really have any "super" powers, per se. But go ahead, try and tag up from second to third and see if he doesn't gun your ass down. Go ahead. No, really. Guns.

8. Mr. Fantastic (1B) -- If it seems like he might be a better fit elsewhere in the field, just remember that he has a decent reach and range on throws over to first. Also see: collapsible strike zones.

9. Captain America (2B) -- Kind of like the Mark Lemke of super heroes, he's not particularly great at anything. But he works his ass off. And he's American. Plus, he can't possibly be worse than Dan Uggla.

SP: Human Torch -- What can we say? The guy's got a gascan attached to his right arm. (Would you prefer "he throws fire?")

CL: The Hulk -- You could argue that you want the Hulk to bat. But what happens when this loser steps up to the plate? Plus, just wait until the top of the ninth and put matches in between his toes or tell him Torch f'd his sister and all of a sudden your closer makes Papelbon look like Ghandi.

In other news...

[AZSportsHub.com]: Chris Snyder would like to encase his balls in protective steel one day, but a Nutty Buddy will work for now

[SportsBy Brooks.com]: Beware Be scared of flying bats

[The Beardown]: 10 reasons why Europe is wrong for Jennings

[Football Jabber]: "Legacy?!? We spit in the face of our legacies!"

[Reuters.com]: They thought it was a hot dog eating competition. It's an innocent mistake

[East Coast Bias]: Ugliest famous faces in sports

[SI.com]: So, ESPYs, does the carpet match the drapes?

[OrlandoSentinel.com]: A brief history of athletes showing all in Playboy

[Tirico Suave]: Oh those zany McCowns

[The World of Isaac]: Breaking down the finer points of Charles Barkley's golf swing

And finally, hey, is that a young John Cena?

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National League, tell me how my ass tastes

Posted on Thu Jul 17, 2008 at 10:03:07 AM EST in MLB
More on: MLB, All Star Game, Ichiro Suzuki, profanity (all tags)

If you thought Ichiro Suzuki was simply some stone-faced, robot-like, baseball-playing, Japanese cyborg then you'd be right because the Mariners outfielder is exactly that for 99.9% of the season. However, there is one day when Suzuki lets loose, providing his team with an unquenchable firestorm of emotion and that day occurs every year at the All-Star Game when Suzuki releases a profanity-laced tirade against the NL team that would probably make Andrew Dice Clay blush a little.

Every year, after the AL manager addresses his team, Ichiro bursts from his locker, a bundle of kinetic energy, and proceeds, in English, to disparage the National League with an H-bomb of F-bombs, stunning first-timers who had no idea Ichiro speaks the queen's language fluently and making returnees happy that they had played well enough to see the pep talk again.

The tradition began in 2001, Ichiro's first All-Star appearance, and the AL hasn't lost a game since. ...

The exact words are not available. Players are too busy laughing to remember them. Ichiro wouldn't dare repeat them in public. So here's the best facsimile possible.

"Bleep ... bleep bleep bleep ... National League ... bleep ... bleep ... bleeeeeeeeep ... National - bleep bleep bleepbleepbleep!"

George Carlin is defiantly out there somewhere with a gigantic smile on his face.

Links:
[Sports Crackle Pop]: Ichiro's F***ing Pep-Talk
[Yahoo! Sports]: Ichiro's speech to All-Stars revealed

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Odds and Ends: Bon Jovi brings us up to speed with the MLB's first half

Posted on Wed Jul 16, 2008 at 12:01:40 PM EST in MLB
More on: MLB, Bon Jovi, All-Star Game, fantasy football, cheerleaders, Billy Packer, Pirates, Spurs, video, Odds and Ends (all tags)

Before the second half of the MLB season begins, why not remember the first half in style? Set to the tune of Bon Jovi's greatest hits album, here's the season's memorable moments thus far. Are you ready to rock!?!

Lay Your Hands on Me: Boston Red Sox-Tampa Rays -- The fight of the first half goes to these two teams. We're still wondering what would've happened to Coco Crisp had James Shields connected on his haymaker.

Wanted Dead or Alive: Willie Randolph -- We still don't know for sure if it was the owners (The Wilpons) or the GM (Omar Minaya) who wanted Randolph out, but when you fire a guy who has won three of four and is on the first game of a West Coast trip at 3 a.m. Eastern time, you wanted blood however you could get it.

Keep the Faith: Detroit Tigers -- The Tigers started 0-7 and it took them until June 30 to have a winning record. They're still just one game over .500 and seven games behind the White Sox, but they've at least climbed out of a huge hole.

I'll Be There For You: Francisco Rodriguez -- K-Rod has 36 saves to lead the majors. The next highest total is 27.

Runaway: Evan Longoria -- No player has a postseason award locked up more than the Rays rookie third baseman.

Livin' On a Prayer: Chicago Cubs -- Is this the year the drought finally ends? We all know about the curse of the Billy Goat and Steve Bartman. Cubs fans are praying this is the year those things are put in the past. They're halfway there.

Blaze of Glory: Arizona Diamondbacks -- The club got off to a 20-8 start. They're now 46-46 and hold a one-game lead over the Dodgers in the NL West. We'd say that was going down in a blaze of glory.

It's My Life: Josh Hamilton -- We all know about Hamilton's unbelievable comeback. He was consumed by drugs and was headed toward death. Now, he's an MVP candidate who has a whopping 91 RBIs. The opening to this song's chorus fits the Texas slugger perfectly: It's my life/ It's now or never/ I ain't gonna live forever/ I just want to live while I'm alive.

Bad Medicine: Ryan Church -- The Mets outfielder suffered a concussion on May 20 (his second of the season) has been sidelined by postconcussion syndrome on and off for almost two months. The Mets have been accused of not handling the injury properly and now the players' union is getting involved.

You Give Love a Bad Name: Alex Rodriguez -- This pretty much sums it up.

Never Say Goodbye: Barry Bonds -- As teams try to figure out how to make that second-half surge, whose name has come up a few times in recent weeks? Bonds. Barry Bonds.

Have a Nice Day: Blue Jays manager John Gibbons, Mariners skipper John McLaren and the aforementioned Randolph all got their walking papers within four days of each other.

Who Says You Can't Go Home: We couldn't think of a good one for this song so we want you to submit some choice via that form to your right and we'll post a couple later on.

In other news...

[East Coast Bias]: Best and worst of MLB All-Star Game

[The Bad News Bloggers]: This year's top fantasy RB probably isn't who you think it is (pssst, it's Brian Westbrook)

[The Beardown]: A note to Bud Selig

[Don Chavez]: More pictures of cheerleaders gone slutty, this time in Winnipeg

[MyHogtown]: Beer guy gets canned...wait, he's not working our section, right?

[NewsObserver.com]: The Pack is back

[Mondesishouse.com]: Pittsburgh Pirates: The Movie

[Red Sox Monster]: AP forgets to use spell-check

[SpursReport]: Spurs' Coyote evacuates building

And finally, it's Top Ten time.

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Odds and Ends: "Babe, I don't know why he doesn't hit the ball harder"

Posted on Tue Jul 15, 2008 at 01:06:18 PM EST in MLB
More on: MLB, Home Run Derby, sex, pro wrestling, managers, NFL, NBA, Josh Hamilton, LeBron James, video, Odds and Ends (all tags)

For the guys who are in a relationship, sports are usually a safe haven where the girlfriends rarely step foot. However, certain events like all-star games, the Super Bowl and March Madness bring out the inner sports fan within chicks and last night's Home Run Derby certainly constitutes as such an event. So, for those of you lucky enough to actually trick a girl into dating you, here's a list of things you probably heard while Josh Hamilton was going bananas.

"Look how slow they're throwing the ball! This is SOOOOOO easy. You'd have to suck not to hit a home run every time."

"That Berkman guy will definitely win, right? Don't fat guys always win?"

"Were you joking when you said A-Rod isn't participating because he's spotting Madonna at the gym?"

"Why don't they use the net in front of the pitcher in real games? Wouldn't that be a lot safer?"

"Omigod. Look at all those guidos in the stands. As much as I love shopping in New York I am SOOO glad we don't live there."

"You haven't switched over to E! once like you said you would."

"Why don't players just hit home runs every time? Wouldn't that be a lot easier?"

"His last name isn't really Uggla is it? I wouldn't take your last name if it was Uggla."

"So you're really telling me you couldn't do this? I thought you said you were good at sports."

"Were you saying Hamilton `loves the coke' or `loved the coke'?"

"Where's Jeter? I thought you said he'd be there."

"There's another round?! Why? Enough people aren't asleep?!"

In other news...

[Deuce of Davenport]: Now this is what we call a proper pregame warm-up

[RawSportsBlog.com]: The top 30 reasons to watch professional wrestling

[Undrafted Free Agent]: Mmmmm, the most memorable MLB manager meltdowns

[RyanSpoon.com]: The NFL is worth a whole lotta chedda

[Cleveland.com]: BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Tractor Traylor is attempting to back his way into the NBA

[Bugs & Cranks]: The MLB is stuffed full of Dicks

[With Leather]: Josh Hamilton sends em back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back (we could be here a while), back, back, back, back...

[Docksquad Sports]: LeBron James gets groovy for charity

[YepYep]: Sorry BMXers and skateboarders, but you just lost use of the term "extreme" because of these guys

[YouTube]: The only good reason to watch a loser bounce quarters into a glass

And finally, the exact opposite of Heelys.

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"Sweet! I got a C. Yeager autograph! Wait, who's C. Yeager?"

Posted on Tue Jul 15, 2008 at 10:04:09 AM EST in MLB
More on: Phillies, C. Yeager, prank, video, funny, All Star Fan Fest, MLB (all tags)

Ever wonder what it would be like to be a pro baseball player? We certainly have. As kids, we would sit in class and practice signing autographs on a piece of notebook paper while daydreaming about having a tawdry love affair with Madonna. But nowadays, you don't have to fantasize about your dream job and you don't have to put in the years of hard work to gain proper recognition. Nope, apparently, you can just throw on a Phillies uniform, head down to the All Star Fan Fest and enjoy the good life as the red carpet gets rolled out. Worked for this prankster.

Suckers!!

Links:
[Philly.com]: All Star Fan Fest gets Punk'd by fake Phillie

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