Odds and Ends: NFL Countdown says sayonara to Emmitt Smith

If you love language-butchering and verbal buffoonery then this is going to be tough for you to take. Emmitt Smith has been released by ESPN, kinda.

It’s official. Emmitt Smith will not be part of ESPN’s two-hour pregame show, NFL Countdown, in 2008.

ESPN is expected to make the formal announcement soon.

Emmitt will be replaced by Cris Carter, whose enhanced visibility could help his chances of getting into the Hall of Fame on the second try. (Then again, if Carter does a bad job or comes off as a blowhard, it could hurt him.)

Emmitt will remain on Monday Night Countdown, and he’ll have a role on the Sunday morning pre-Countdown version of SportsCenter.

We know, we know; it’s difficult to confront. We loved listening to Emmitt slaughter the simplest of sentences just like everyone else. Don’t forget though, he’s not gone; he’s just on two hours less each week. Anyways, utterances like these will live on forever.

In other news…

[FanHouse.com]: Guess which golfer got rid of his man boobs?

[The Undrafted Free Agent]: Mountaineer basketball players love their alcohol

[Bugs & Cranks]: Yup, William Hung is still a horrible singer

[By the Numbers]: Vote no on a tournament in college football. Wait, what???

[YardBarker.com]: Ocho Cinco, Too Tall, Crazy Legs, Bad Moon, Gravedigger and many, many more of your favorite NFL nicknames

[SportsAgentBlog.com]: Finally, a reason besides Erin Andrews to love the University of Florida

[Rush the Court]: NBA draft picks by school (1949-2008)

[CollegeHumor.com]: “Oh, monsieur!! The boys took a beating on that one.”

[Redskins.com]: Colt Brennan is a system quarterback and a blogger

[The Big Picture]: “Booze + Ambien + bad judgment + flight attendants = one year of jail time and a $4,000 fine”

[The Love of Sports]: Yogi Berra gets robbed, winds up with only one of the Top 20 Baseball Quotes of All Time

[SidelineHotties.com]: Finally, a site devoted entirely to sideline hotties

[TampaBay.com]: If the Rays win the World Series, we want a large with pepperoni and jalapenos

[Hollyscoop]: Freddie Prinze Jr. joins the WWE and becomes The Masked Blogger

[Tirico Suave]: Can it get any better than babes telling us about fantasy football? Uh, no

[Kissing Suzy Kolber]: `Just make it look like an accident’

[The World of Isaac]: Hallelujah, we can finally forget about Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon

And finally, hey, where’d you find that guy? We’ve been looking for a little person friend who’s willing to kick himself in the head with steel toe boots too!!

The Quote Machine Chad Johnson does it again

Chad Johnson easily reigns as the league’s funniest guy, but, apparently, Ocho Cinco isn’t all fun-n-games because he’s already planning on how he can injury Carson Palmer in a fight.

Why you laughing? We’re serious.

We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again, nothing gets the NFL juices flowin’ like a little preseason premeditated assault.

Links:

[Shot Clock Violation]: Ocho Cinco: I’m gonna hit [Carson] in his knee…the bad one.

Say hello to your official mascots of the 2008 Olympics

If you thought the Mighty Morphing Power Rangers, Voltron or The Planeterers were some incredible teams then you’ll appreciate the collaborative efforts of Fuwa; not to be mistaken with FUPA. In case you didn’t know, Fuwa is a collection of five characters who will be the Official Mascots of the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games. Frankly, we find these guys a little creepy, but we have no sense of culture, so what do we know. Let’s get to know the little critters better.

Designed to express the playful qualities of five little children who form an intimate circle of friends, Fuwa also embody the natural characteristics of four of China’s most popular animals — the Fish, the Panda, the Tibetan Antelope, the Swallow — and the Olympic
Flame.

Each of Fuwa has a rhyming two-syllable name — a traditional way of expressing affection for children in China. Beibei is the Fish, Jingjing is the Panda, Huanhuan is the Olympic Flame, Yingying is the Tibetan Antelope and Nini is the Swallow.

When you put their names together — Bei Jing Huan Ying Ni — they say “Welcome to Beijing,” offering a warm invitation that reflects the mission of Fuwa as young ambassadors for the Olympic Games.

They might be intended to “carry a message of friendship and peace,” but Beibei is standing there with a smile on her face, wearing a hat made of water while Huanhuan is burning to a crisp. That’s just being a straight cold bitch where we come from. We guarantee none of the Top 10 Coolest Olympic Mascots would pull a stunt like that.

Cool Olympic Mascot #10. Howdy and Hidi
The polar bear siblings were the faces of the 1988 Calgary Winter Olympics. With both names expressing a feeling of welcome and brotherhood, they symbolized the warmth of Canadian hospitality.

Cool Olympic Mascot #9. Hodori
Tigers and marketing seem to go hand in hand and the animal was perfect for the 1988 Seoul Summer Olympics. Hodori was designed as good-natured tiger and portrayed the friendly and hospitable traditions of the Koreans.

Cool Olympic Mascot #8. Sam
With the Summer Olympics being held in Los Angeles in 1984, Walt Disney decided to design a mascot. His creation: Sam, a cartoon eagle who’s not afraid of showing his true colours.

Cool Olympic Mascot #7. Vuchko
Despite looking a bit stubborn, Vuchko was a cheerful wolf who was the face of the 1984 Sarajevo Winter Olympics. The mascot helped to change the frightening image of the animal which was present in the region.

Cool Olympic Mascot #6. Waldi
The colourful dachshund was claimed to be the first official Olympic mascot at the 1972 Summer Games in Munich. Along with representing athletic qualities such as resistance, tenacity and agility, Waldi’s colours also symbolized the joy of the international event.

Cool Olympic Mascot #5. Hare, Coyote and Bear
Keeping to the country’s heritage, the trio stood for the 2002 Salt Lake City Winter Olympics’ motto. The snowshoe hare, coyote and American black bear represented “Citius, Altius Fortius” (Faster, Higher and Stronger).

Cool Olympic Mascot #4. Cobi
For some, it can be difficult to figure out what exactly the 1992 Barcelona Summer Olympics mascot is. But the trick is to not overanalyze because Cobi is simply a dog in a suit.

Cool Olympic Mascot #3. Ollie, Syd and Millie
Whether it’s the names or the animals, the trio was perfect for the 2000 Sydney Summer Olympics. The kookaburra, platypus and echidna symbolized the event, the host city and the new millennium.

Cool Olympic Mascot #2. Schneeman
Some would find it surprising to see one of the first mascots created to be ranked so high, but the snowman is definitely cooler than most. The 1976 Innsbruck Winter Olympics mascot stood for the “Games of Simplicity”.

Cool Olympic Mascot #1. Izzy
One of the reasons this particular mascot for the 1996 Atlanta Summer Olympics is at the top of the list is because nobody knew what it was. That was the point; “Izzy” was an abstract fantasy figure derived from “What is it?”.

Links:

[Beijing 2008]: The Official Mascots of the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games
[InventorSpot.com]: The Top 10 Coolest Olympic Mascots

Arrrrr edges out Uhhhhh, Owwwww and Nooooo to take first

Sometimes we think owners give their horses stupid names just to make the race announcers sound like fools. But, hey, we’re not complaining.

25 NBA players who are laughing all the way to the bank

The NBA is a league of big men and bigger salaries. Last season, everybody in the Association pulled down at least a cool $427,163 with the minimum salary jumping to $442,114 next year. And, yes, even Jelani McCoy and Bracey Wright will make that much. But if you think that is a case of serious overpayment, just wait until you get a load of YardBarker.com‘s list of the 25 Most Overpaid NBA Players (in no particular order). And, yes, Darko Milicic and Dan Gadzuric made the cut.

1. Samuel Dalembert($10,500,000)
2.Kenny Thomas($7,942,187)
3. Lamar Odom($14,600,000)
4.The entire New Knicks roster(current payroll $90,467,471)
5. Ben Wallace ($14,500,000)
6. Steve Francis($19,814,480)
7.Wally Szcerbiak($13,000,000)
8. Nazr Mohammed ($6,049,400
9. Larry Hughes ($12,827,676)
10.Eric Dampier ($9,550,000)
11. Troy Murphy ($10,126,984)
12.Tim Thomas ($6,049,400)
13. Vladimir Radmanovic ($6,049,400)
14. Antoine Walker ($9,320,500)
15. Darko Milicic ($7,000,000)
16. Shawn Marion ($17,000,000)
17. Dan Gadzuric ($6,246,250)
18. Jason Collins ($6,200,000)
19. Bobby Simmons ($9,920,000)
20. Rashard Lewis ($17,238,000)
21. James Posey (apprx. $8.5 million)
22. Reggie Evans ($4.640,000)
23. Etan Thomas ($6,860,000)
24.Nene ($9,680,000)
25. Vince Carter ($15,200,000)

Links:

[YardBarker.com]: 25 Most Overpaid NBA Players

Odds and Ends: Hair today, gone tomorrow

The Olympics are rapidly approaching and the one question on everyone’s mind is, “Will the Nigerian football team players cut off their sweet locks or what?”

Nigeria’s Olympic football coach Samson Siasia has warned his players that he expects short hair and correct clothing for the Beijing Games, a federation spokesman said on Friday.

Siasia, known as a stickler for discipline, believes that his players are devoting too much time to their elaborate hairstyles, time which he believes could be better used in fine-tuning their performances.

And the coach goes as far as to claim that players with short hair are more aerodynamic and so find it easier to find their rhythm on the pitch.

So the hair makes all the difference, huh? Well, explain these athletes then.

In other news…

[Awful Announcing]: Jeff Brantley does not want to run into Ken Griffey Jr in a dark alley

[JoeSportsFan.com]: We still can’t believe we actually beat Mr. X

[ESPN]: Best NFL playoff performances

[Athlebrities.com]: Baron Davis has a Shemagwhat?

[SportsByBrooks.com]: Erin Andrews’ bed. Mmmmmmmm, Erin Andrews’ bed

[Sportaphile.com]: Homophobic ad No. 1…

[BottomLineCom.com]: And homophobic ad No. 2

[Uncoached]: We heart New York

[Need4Sheed.com]: Optimistic about Kwame?!? Bwah-hahahahahahahaha!!

[UniqueDaily.com]: Another completely pointless record gets broken

[Tirico Suave]: Groundhog stew. Mmmmmmmmm, groundhog stew

[Yahoo! Sports]: Pat Riley is still a sucker for yellow

[Larry Brown Sports]: Would really expect anything less from Randy Moss’ daughter?

[WagRankings.com]: The 21 hottest sports movie WAGs

[Dbacks.com]: Diamondbacks fans love their dogs

[BannedInHollywood.com]: Golden Bear goddess

And finally, friendship moves!

FOUND: Charlie Weis’ audition tape for The Three Tenors

Anytime someone climbs up to the announcer’s box at a Cubbies game for an opportunity to lead the home crowd in “Take Me Out To The Ballgame,” it’s usually going to end with cats screeching and dogs howling. After all, when is the last time you were watching WGN and saw a rendition that made you stand and applaud? Never, that’s when. So, as expected, when Charlie Weis hoisted himself up to the skybox, he proved he’s tone deaf and we got a kick out of it.

That was pretty bad, but don’t worry, Ozzy, you’re still the man.

The mighty Madden video game foretells the future

When in doubt, ask John Madden. That’s what we always say. By the time he finishing bumbling his words, you always have a clearer outlook on things. Of course, you gotta listen to him actually speak in that annoying tone if you do that and then you’re running the risk of getting list pieces of turduckin spit all over you and that’s never pleasant. Plus, the stench from his mouth. Oh, god, the stench. So, actually, nevermind, don’t ask John anything in person. Let’s just leave all the formulating of intelligent ideas to his video game which predicts the Cowboys take it all this year and here’s how.

Playoffs 2008
NFC Division Champions: North – Vikings
South – Buccaneers
West – Rams
East – Cowboys
Wildcards – Saints and Redskins

AFC Division Champions: North – Steelers
South – Colts
West – Chargers
East – Patriots
Wildcards – Jets and Jaguars

Wild Card
The Jaguars went on the road and upset the Chargers, 23-20, by virtue of 147 rushing yards from Fred Taylor. Tampa Bay blew out New Orleans, 37-13, with Drew Brees throwing five — count them — five interceptions. Indianapolis held serve against the Jets for a 37-20 victory that offered some revenge for the 41-0 shellacking the Jets laid on them in January of 2003, while the Rams dominated the Redskins in the latter’s second straight disappointing playoffs, winning 34-6.

Divisional Round
The Patriots knocked out the Jaguars for the third time this decade, prevailing in a snowy 30-10 battle that saw Lawrence Maroney score three touchdowns. The Colts were unable to claim revenge on the Steelers for their early-2005 loss, with the Steelers winning 19-10. In the NFC, the Cowboys outscored the Rams in a shootout, with three DeMarcus Ware sacks contributing to a 38-24 victory, while the upset of the week saw the Buccaneers blow out the Vikings and poor Tarvaris Jackson on the road, 37-13.

Conference Finals
The Patriots famously blew out the Steelers’ following Anthony Smith’s trash talk in Week 14 of 2007; this game was closer, but a 25-21 victory with a wild finish gave the Patriots their Super Bowl spot. The game came down to an Ellis Hobbs interception in the end zone on the Steelers’ final drive. Their opposition was provided by the Cowboys, who beat the Buccaneers in another classic, 21-17. Tony Romo led the Cowboys down the field in the final two minutes, and when he hit tight end Jason Witten for an 18-yard touchdown pass with :39 left on the clock, the Buccaneers were heartbroken and finished.

Super Bowl
In the Super Bowl, the Patriots started off with the ball, marched down the field, and scored thanks to a Lawrence Maroney touchdown, giving them a 7-0 lead. There was no scoring until the end of the half, when a Stephen Gostkowski field goal put the Patriots up 10-0 heading into halftime.

Coming out of halftime, the Cowboys were clearly an inspired team. They scored when Tony Romo ran the ball in from six yards out, making the score 10-7. The Patriots responded with a huge kickoff return, but couldn’t move the ball and could only muster a field goal. That was topped when Isaiah Stanbeck returned the resulting kickoff 95 yards, giving the Cowboys a 14-13 lead. Each team traded field goals on their next possessions, and as the fourth quarter started, the Cowboys led by the narrowest of margins: 17-16.

The Patriots kicked another field goal, Gostkowski’s fourth of the game, to take a 19-17 lead. From there, the Cowboys were forced to punt, and the Patriots drove to the Cowboys 2, only for a Zach Thomas sack to force the Patriots to kick yet another field goal; Gostkowski’s sixteenth point of the game made the score 22-17.

With three minutes left, Tony Romo launched the drive of his life, the highlight being a 4th-and-2 on his own 33-yard-line where he hit Terrell Owens on a slant for a first down, only for Owens to break a tackle and scamper all the way down to the Patriots 19. Two plays later, Marion Barber ran in from eight yards out to make the score 23-22; they added a two-point conversion to make it 25-22.

Giving Tom Brady the ball with 84 seconds left seemed scary enough, but much like last year, Brady couldn’t get his drive started. He nearly threw an interception on first down, was sacked by Thomas on second down on a play where no one got open, was sacked by Ware on third down, and on fourth-and-26, Brady’s completed pass came up five yards short, ending the season and giving the Cowboys their sixth Super Bowl. Thomas was named the game’s MVP.

Links:

[IGN]: 2008 Season Simulation

The Jackass generation continues to thrive

Who says the Olympics need an extravagant torch lighting ceremony? We’d be perfectly happy if they did something simple and classy like this:

Our favorite part is pre-inferno when the idiot who’s letting himself be lit on fire calls the other idiot an idiot. What an idiot.

Everyone thinks they can win, that’s why it’s fantasy football


For all of the hours of late night studying, countless mock drafts, finger-number stat surfing and spousal neglect you put yourself through during the months leading up to and through the fantasy football season, odds are, you have absolutely nothing to show for it. As we all know from painful seasons past, there can be only one champion per year and the rest of the league is just a bunch of envious losers. So, just accept your fate now because Epic Carnival already has the Top 10 Reasons Why You Won’t Win Your Fantasy Football League.

10. Overpreparation.
9. Underpreparation.
8. Karma.
7. Draft position.

6. Fear.
5. Inebriation.

4. Endurance.
3. Homerism.
2. Callousness.
1. Idiocy.

So, pull out of those 15 leagues you’re in right now because you don’t have a chance in hell. Or at the very least, be ready to get a lot of shirt pointing from the lucky rookie of your league who manages to run the table.

Links:

[Epic Carnival]: Top 10 Reasons Why You Won’t Win Your Fantasy Football League

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