Can you spot the real quote about Brett Favre?


Now that Brett Favre has been traded to the NY Jets, the Favre-llatio has gotten out of control. Anyway, we’ve taken some quotes about Brett Favre and doctored them up, added in a few fake ones, and threw in one real quote. Can you figure out which one it is?

  • “He gives the Jets their biggest star since Namath, gives the Jets their best chance to overcome Bill Belichick and Tom Brady, makes them a legitimate Super Bowl contender. And I’ll volunteer to take one for the team and give him his prostate exam for his physical… with strawberry jam…mmmmm… ” – Steve Serby, NY Post
  • “He left after several days because he has more respect for the Packers than the Packers have for him. He will always have a special place in my pants… I mean heart.” – Gene Wojciechowski
  • “The bottom line in all of this is playing football. I’ve always been committed to my job. I know people say I should put the personal issues aside, and I agree, but I couldn’t do that. Maybe they’ll finally appreciate me in New York and give me the attention I’ve always deserved.” -Brett Favre
  • “Man, fuck Brett Favre” – Chad Pennington
  • “I know how hard it is to play quarterback. It could be the toughest thing in sports. When you take a guy who does it as well as Brett Favre for as long as Brett Favre and then you take all those other things and just squish `em all up together you have a pretty special guy. And when you add in the fact that he always gives me the ‘warning tap’ even though he knows I swallow, well, that’s a gentleman and a scholar right there.” – John Madden
  • “Hey Brett, tell me how my ass taste.” – Aaron Rodgers
  • “And you know what? I don’t care whether people are Packers fans or whatever, I’ll reiterate what we said, rooting for Favre is like rooting for America. I think with Brett Favre, the smile that he still has, it must have been the same kid running around in Kiln, Mississippi, it’s still the same kid, except he’s going to be running around in the Meadowlands thrilling everybody. And you know what else? When he shoves his unit into my mouth, it’s even more thrilling!” – Chris Berman
  • “The number one sight in football thus far has been Brett Favre running down the field into the arms of his receivers. It’s wonderful. America loves that. This team can play. Brett Favre is back. This guy has captured America.” – Bill Plaschke

Sadly, the real quote isn’t that far removed from the fake quotes. It’s Bill Plaschke falling all over himself, and elbowing Chris Berman out of the way, to fellate Favre.

Odds and Ends: Brett’s back, baby!

Adolf Hitler might be a true blue Cowboys fan, but he’s just as sick of the Brett Favre drama as the rest of us.

In other news…

[YardBarker.com]: Can you name the entire 1992 Dream Team? You got two minutes. Go!

[Red Sox Monster]: “Defrost Ted” tee hits the shelves

[SI.com]: Cancel your order for a No. 23 Olympiakos jersey

[SignOnSanDiego.com]: Please, please, please don’t take our drunk athletes away!

[Rear Naked News]: Quinton Jackson’s life continues to spiral out of control

[Awful Announcing]: Art Monk finally gets his props

[Home Run Derby]: What you talking `bout, umpire?!

[Boston.com]: Paul Pierce gets bracelets to match his new ring

[Epic Carnival]: Bobblehead makers are truly the lowest form of artist

[Uncoached]: Which Sweet Lou face is your favorite?

[The Ghosts of Wayne Fontes]: Awwww, man; we’re Stephen A. Smith!

[CollegeOTR.com]: College can be a career killer

[SamePageSports.com]: If you said Coach K is the cheesiest person alive then give yourself a pat on the back

[Cousins of Ron Mexico]: “The 2008 Bejing Ol-Chimp-ics.” Thank goodness we’re not the only ones who don’t use spell-check

And finally, another classic video of a cheerleader getting trampled by the football team.

The uneven bars get even

This is easily the most entertaining moment in the history of gymnastics.

Of course, second place goes to this couple.

Are you a real sports fan or just a loser in sports apparel?


There are tons of reasons to be a sports fan, but there are also plenty of things that will get your sports fan card revoked. Adults wearing a player’s jersey should be one of them, but, according to Sean Leahy’s Going Five Hole, that unfortunately doesn’t make the top 10 Reasons You Should Stop Being a Sports Fan list. However, here are 10 surefire signs that your love for sports or true lack thereof might be cause for concern.

You wear fashionable sports merchandise.
Why wear what everyone else is wearing? You have to be different and cool. You want to stand out in the crowd and let everyone know that you set the trends.

You attend games in a suit, in the lower sections, and spend more time talking to a client or on your cell phone.
Real fans hate you. You get the good company seats, show up whenever, and pay more attention to selling your shit service to a client than to the incoming line drive at your head.

You are more interested in the food selection than what’s going on in the game.
Your typical game day attire consists of sweatpants or basketball shorts so that your elastic waistband can expand as your gorge on your third sausage and pepper sandwich. Everytime a vendor is in your section, you quickly scan what they’re selling and decide whether or not you want to pay $7 for another hot pretzel. You do, of course.

You spend the entire game bitching about the food prices, how boring the game is, or anticipating what you’re plans are after the game.
You’re the type of person that’s only happy when you’re miserable. Nothing makes you happy so you take it upon yourself to let everyone know that you’re unhappy.

You come late, leave early.
You know what time the game starts, yet you still show up an hour into the game. After a while, you decide to head home before the game is even over and it doesn’t matter if it’s a close score. You’ve got to beat the traffic! Surely worth the $90 ticket.

You speak loud enough so you think the people around you will believe you’re some sort of expert. And you also look around after each shitty joke.
You know it all. You bring three friends with lesser knowledge of the game and spout obvious statistics to make yourself sound smarter. You want everyone in your section to think of you as some sort of guru, so you make sure to raise your voice when answering an inane question from one of your friends.

You bring a baby/young kids to a division rivalry game.
You decide to bring a baby/young kids to an environment that’s going to be hostile, yet you’re still appalled when the expletives fly. You try to be a hero to your kids and stand up and tell those around you to keep the language clean because there’s kids around. You quickly sit down after the fourth beer stains your “World’s Best Daddy” t-shirt.

You get more animated during the Kiss Cam or t-shirt toss in-between play.
Your team is winning or needs some vocal support from the crowd, but you decide to save your energy when the teams interns shoot t-shirts into the crowd or when you finally notice you’ve been located on the Kiss Cam, and you’re sitting next to Joe Tough Guy and Willie Old Dude.

You show up to the game just for the gameday promotion.
You’ve got the Beanie Baby collection to show for it.

You grow balls when the big, opposing athlete is 100 feet away.
Tough guy when an opposing player is on the field/court/ice and you’re sitting up in the stands, protected by many seats and security guards. While you’re dining on wings at the local Hooters afterwards and said opposing athlete shows up for a post-game meal, your anus tightens quicker than Joan Rivers’ face.

Links:

[Sean Leahy’s Going Five Hole]: 10 Reasons You Should Stop Being a Sports Fan

Easiest first place finish in the history of competitive swimming

We’ve been known to sit on the couch for hours/days on end, stuffing our faces full of Doritos and washing them down with cases upon cases of Coors Light, but even our pathetic, flabby bodies could have pulled out a victory in this race.

A simple solution for how the USA can dominate the Olympics

The Olympics are right around the corner, Friday to be exact, and we can’t wait to see the red, white and blue go berserk on some foreigner asses. And while we’re confident in Team USA, regardless of sport, we know America would have a definite edge over the competition in the individual sports if we used our biggest, strongest and fastest athletes available. In other words, we need to totally revamp the Olympic roster and use nothing but NFLers. Here’s how things would look, according to NE Patriots Draft.

Fencing – Travis Henry
He’s pretty good with his sword, if you know what I mean.

Sailing – Matt Birk
He’s a Viking, so boats are right up his alley, plus he went to Harvard.

Sprint Events – Devin Hester
No pads, no defenders, give him the gold.

Long Distance Events – Kenyatta Walker
He’s got Kenya in his name right?

Shotput/Discus – Vince Wilfork
Holds the state record in Florida for the Shot, throwing it 68 feet.

Wrestling – Stephen Neal
Two-time NCAA champ, beating Brock Lesnar his senior season.

Diving – Reggie Bush
Nobody flips like this guy, gotta work on the landing though.

Swimming – Mario Williams
Best Swim move in the league.

Synchronized Swimming – Peyton and Eli Manning
Just a fun mental image for you and the whole family.

Boxing – Tom Zbikowski
Duh.

Kayaking – Chris Cooley
No reason, just thought he was the only NFL’er that could make me watch Kayaking.

Weightlifting – Larry Allen
Holy Mother of God.

Equestrian – Chris Williams
He’s got the family ties.

Gymnastics – Martin and Bill Gramatica
Hamm’s? Martin and Bill can jump! And Prance! About the right size too…

Cycling – Shawne Merriman
Lots of dopers to pick on, I’ll chose Mr. Lights out today.

Archery – Tom Brady
Accuracy is his middle name.

Judo – Scott Peters
Yikes!

Badminton – Hines Ward
Koreans love Badminton.

Shooting – Marvin Harrison
Still too afraid to say anything.

Table-Tennis – Jacob Hester
White Running Backs can really play pong.

Links:

[NE Patriots Draft]: All-NFL Olympic Team

Lose Yourself’s got nothing on this fantasy freestyle

Move over, Lazy Sunday. Get lost, Lazy Scranton. Step aside, Duke Fan Stan, because we’ve got a rap that will make you forget all about those funky rhymes while simultaneously reminding you to never, ever draft a quarterback in the first round.

Here’s 31 reasons why you should be happy it’s August

If it wasn’t for rent being due, we’d be thrilled that first day of August has finally arrived. Before you know it, the end of the month will be here and so will college football and we all know it doesn’t get any better than that. But before we can enjoy the greatest sporting season on the face of the planet (minus the whole refusing to institute a playoff system, of course), we have to sit through a few more weeks of intense anticipation. Still, it couldn’t be any worse than the past 31 days, could it? According to the fellas over at Rumors and Rants, it can’t and they have a whole slew of reasons, one for each day of the month to be exact, for why July totally sucked for sports fans.

1. We had to suffer through a Tiger-less major and try to talk up the entertainment value of guys we’ve never heard of competing for a championship no one cared about.

2. I now know far too much about Greg Norman’s sex life. I don’t want to hear about how a 53-year-old guy is missing out on his honeymoon with his 53-year-old former tennis champion wife so he can melt down at a major championship. Yeesh.

3. I just learned that Ryan Newman is the most sought-after free agent in all of NASCAR. You don’t say? Thank you ESPNEWS for that little tidbit.

4. Xavier Nady and Damaso Marte? A broken-down Pudge Rodriguez for Kyle Farnsworth? And Mark Teixeira again? Five words: most boring trade deadline ever.

5. A-Rod’s wife filed for divorce and it was front page news. Then it was revealed that his relationship with Madonna was the impetus behind the split. Hmmm, maybe Jose Canseco was right about Rodriguez’s desire to follow where Canseco had already been. Also, what’s with A-Rod’s thing for manly women? As my sister said, “Between that tranny-looking stripper in Toronto and Madonna, he’s definitely had something shoved up his ass.” Well played sister, well played.

6. Only in July would Manny Ramirez acting like a jackass actually be big time news.

7. Brett Favre’s wireless plan made ESPN’s bottom line as “breaking news.” After days of speculation that Favre had used a Packers-issued cell phone to contact other teams, it was revealed that he did not in fact have a Packers-issued cell phone. Well good, thank the Lord that’s cleared up.

8. Ryan Sheckler, an 18-year-old skateboarder, was shirtless on ESPN the Magazine this month. Yes, ESPN thought it would be a good idea to put a shirtless pubescent male on the cover of their magazine. Thats not to be confused with the countless other shirtless guys who have appeared on the cover (Carl Edwards comes to mind). So uh, what, exactly is going on over there at The Mag?

9. So wait, NBA players are actually leaving the United States to go play in Europe? Look, Europe is nice for a vacation or for checking out the cans on your Greek tour guide, but living there full-time? Isn’t there a reason all those Euros are trying to come over here?

10. Let me get this straight, Luol Deng’s stats all dropped but he ended up with a bigger contract than he would have gotten last year? Apparently 17.0 points, 6.3 rebounds and 2.5 assists per game now equals a six-year, $80 million contract in NBA-terms. Yeah, a solid July-based move there.

11. While some may say baseball’s All-Star Game was exciting, they’re wrong, it was just plain boring. Aside from Dan Uggla doing his best Charles Smith impression (it’s an obscure reference, do some research), there wasn’t anything really that compelling about the game.

12. The WNBA had a brawl and it was predictably disappointing.

13. We had to listen to a month of Ron Artest trade scenarios. Who cares where he went? He’s just going to find a way to screw things up there too.

14. Rudy Giuliani’s kid is suing Duke. Nothing could possibly go wrong there.

15. The Detroit Pistons actually signed Kwame Brown. To repeat: someone is going to pay Kwame Brown to play basketball next season. Pay him money. I really want to know the guy associated with the Pistons who actually thought this was a good idea.

16. Jason Taylor danced his way right out of Miami.

17. Josh Hamilton’s amazing performance at the Home Run Derby was moving and inspirational. But during this miserable month every good story had to be ruined, in this case Justin Morneau killed what would have been a beautiful moment by actually beating Hamilton.

18. Somehow Sidney Ponson still has a job.

19. Welcome to the Clippers Mr. Davis. Welcome to Philadelphia Mr. Brand. I love that everyone is shocked that after seven years of suffering as a member of the Clippers that Elton Brand would want to get the hell out of there.

20. Richie Sexson was released by the Seattle Mariners and the New York Yankees swooped in and saved the day by signing him. Again, I want to know the guy who thought this was a good idea.

21. I don’t know much about NASCAR but thanks to a lack of anything real to talk about, I now know this: Goodyear tires suck.

22. Urban Meyer wrote a book. And he further proved that he’s an ass.

23. The Oakland A’s and Billy Beane continue to try and ruin baseball as we know it. Not only has Beane sent away Dan Haren, Rich Harden and Joe Blanton in less that a year, he’s now looking to dump Justin Duchscherer and Huston Street, in an attempt to get rid of any good players left in the A’s system. I love how Billy Beane is worshiped for the way he runs his franchise, when they’ve never won anything and frankly, the Minnesota Twins are the model low-budget franchise.

24. Speaking of the Twins: Hey Francisco Liriano is back and dominating…in AAA.

25. According to BallHype, this month we became a Kenny Perry blog. And as some of you might know, we f-ing hate Kenny Perry.

26. I made my first (and last) trip to Yankee Stadium, and was thoroughly underwhelmed. The stadium was pretty basic and looked like something out of the 70s. I know it was remodeled then, but for some reason I was thinking there would be some sort of nostalgic, old-timey experience. Hell, I didn’t even get yelled at by any belligerent Yankee fans. All-in-all it was nothing more than an average trip to a ballpark.

27. The Tour de France was this month. If a bunch of European guys in spandex climb mountains on bikes and nobody cares, did it actually happen? I mean, the least those guys could do is burst into flames when they crash.

28. Sadly, no one told the Houston Astros they’re completely out of the NL playoff race. The Cubs got Rich Harden, the Brewers got C.C. Sabathia and how did the ‘Stros respond? They scored Randy Wolf and LaTroy Hawkins. Apparently reality has no place in Houston, Texas.

29. Iraq was told they couldn’t participate in the Olympics. Then told they could. Yeah, this is exactly the kind of thing the IOC should be in control of, since that wholly competent body’s whims should be in charge of the hopes of millions of Iraqis who could really use a distraction from the 130 degree heat in August.

30. The Arena Bowl was this month. And no matter how much ESPN and Ron Jaworski try to convince me otherwise, Arena Football is an abomination. It’s not as bad as Canadian Football, but it’s close.

31. Hey, how ’bout those Padres huh?

Links:

[Rumors and Rants]: Thirty-One Reasons July Sucks

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Kobe Bryant gets punked out by Michael Jordan

Michael Jordan might not be a rapper like Shaquille O’Neal, but that doesn’t mean he can’t talk some smack about Kobe Bryant…in front of a gymnasium full of kids! Hey, Kobe, tell us how Mike’s ass tastes.

Who would have ever guessed that longtime miscreant Ron Artest would be the only baller on the face of the planet to treat Kobe with a little respect?

Links:

[YardBarker.com]: MJ to Kobe: You couldn’t guard me

Ridiculously oversized X-Games ramp claims another victim

We know virtually nothing about the world of extreme sports, but we know what we like and we like seeing dudes hurtle through the air after plunging down the Godzillaramp. It’s really the unpredictability of it all that we love. You might see someone pull off a gnarly double-backside killer koala bear or you could see someone smash their shin bones into tiny fragments. Either way, it makes for a good view, but we’ll always prefer the latter.

Links:

[Awful Announcing]: X-Games Big Air Produces Another Insane Crash

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