Now that Brett Favre has been traded to the NY Jets, the Favre-llatio has gotten out of control. Anyway, we’ve taken some quotes about Brett Favre and doctored them up, added in a few fake ones, and threw in one real quote. Can you figure out which one it is?

• “He gives the Jets their biggest star since Namath, gives the Jets their best chance to overcome Bill Belichick and Tom Brady, makes them a legitimate Super Bowl contender. And I’ll volunteer to take one for the team and give him his prostate exam for his physical… with strawberry jam…mmmmm… ” – Steve Serby, NY Post
• “He left after several days because he has more respect for the Packers than the Packers have for him. He will always have a special place in my pants… I mean heart.” – Gene Wojciechowski
• “The bottom line in all of this is playing football. I’ve always been committed to my job. I know people say I should put the personal issues aside, and I agree, but I couldn’t do that. Maybe they’ll finally appreciate me in New York and give me the attention I’ve always deserved.” -Brett Favre
• “Man, fuck Brett Favre” – Chad Pennington
• “I know how hard it is to play quarterback. It could be the toughest thing in sports. When you take a guy who does it as well as Brett Favre for as long as Brett Favre and then you take all those other things and just squish `em all up together you have a pretty special guy. And when you add in the fact that he always gives me the ‘warning tap’ even though he knows I swallow, well, that’s a gentleman and a scholar right there.” – John Madden
• “Hey Brett, tell me how my ass taste.” – Aaron Rodgers
• “And you know what? I don’t care whether people are Packers fans or whatever, I’ll reiterate what we said, rooting for Favre is like rooting for America. I think with Brett Favre, the smile that he still has, it must have been the same kid running around in Kiln, Mississippi, it’s still the same kid, except he’s going to be running around in the Meadowlands thrilling everybody. And you know what else? When he shoves his unit into my mouth, it’s even more thrilling!” – Chris Berman
• “The number one sight in football thus far has been Brett Favre running down the field into the arms of his receivers. It’s wonderful. America loves that. This team can play. Brett Favre is back. This guy has captured America.” – Bill Plaschke

Sadly, the real quote isn’t that far removed from the fake quotes. It’s Bill Plaschke falling all over himself, and elbowing Chris Berman out of the way, to fellate Favre.

If you love language-butchering and verbal buffoonery then this is going to be tough for you to take. Emmitt Smith has been released by ESPN, kinda.

It’s official. Emmitt Smith will not be part of ESPN’s two-hour pregame show, NFL Countdown, in 2008.

ESPN is expected to make the formal announcement soon.

Emmitt will be replaced by Cris Carter, whose enhanced visibility could help his chances of getting into the Hall of Fame on the second try. (Then again, if Carter does a bad job or comes off as a blowhard, it could hurt him.)

Emmitt will remain on Monday Night Countdown, and he’ll have a role on the Sunday morning pre-Countdown version of SportsCenter.

We know, we know; it’s difficult to confront. We loved listening to Emmitt slaughter the simplest of sentences just like everyone else. Don’t forget though, he’s not gone; he’s just on two hours less each week. Anyways, utterances like these will live on forever.

In other news…

[FanHouse.com]: Guess which golfer got rid of his man boobs?

[The Undrafted Free Agent]: Mountaineer basketball players love their alcohol

[Bugs & Cranks]: Yup, William Hung is still a horrible singer

[By the Numbers]: Vote no on a tournament in college football. Wait, what???

[YardBarker.com]: Ocho Cinco, Too Tall, Crazy Legs, Bad Moon, Gravedigger and many, many more of your favorite NFL nicknames

[SportsAgentBlog.com]: Finally, a reason besides Erin Andrews to love the University of Florida

[Rush the Court]: NBA draft picks by school (1949-2008)

[CollegeHumor.com]: “Oh, monsieur!! The boys took a beating on that one.”

[Redskins.com]: Colt Brennan is a system quarterback and a blogger

[The Big Picture]: “Booze + Ambien + bad judgment + flight attendants = one year of jail time and a $4,000 fine”

[The Love of Sports]: Yogi Berra gets robbed, winds up with only one of the Top 20 Baseball Quotes of All Time

[SidelineHotties.com]: Finally, a site devoted entirely to sideline hotties

[TampaBay.com]: If the Rays win the World Series, we want a large with pepperoni and jalapenos

[Hollyscoop]: Freddie Prinze Jr. joins the WWE and becomes The Masked Blogger

[Tirico Suave]: Can it get any better than babes telling us about fantasy football? Uh, no

[Kissing Suzy Kolber]: `Just make it look like an accident’

[The World of Isaac]: Hallelujah, we can finally forget about Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon

And finally, hey, where’d you find that guy? We’ve been looking for a little person friend who’s willing to kick himself in the head with steel toe boots too!!

When in doubt, ask John Madden. That’s what we always say. By the time he finishing bumbling his words, you always have a clearer outlook on things. Of course, you gotta listen to him actually speak in that annoying tone if you do that and then you’re running the risk of getting list pieces of turduckin spit all over you and that’s never pleasant. Plus, the stench from his mouth. Oh, god, the stench. So, actually, nevermind, don’t ask John anything in person. Let’s just leave all the formulating of intelligent ideas to his video game which predicts the Cowboys take it all this year and here’s how.

Playoffs 2008
NFC Division Champions: North – Vikings
South – Buccaneers
West – Rams
East – Cowboys
Wildcards – Saints and Redskins

AFC Division Champions: North – Steelers
South – Colts
West – Chargers
East – Patriots
Wildcards – Jets and Jaguars

Wild Card
The Jaguars went on the road and upset the Chargers, 23-20, by virtue of 147 rushing yards from Fred Taylor. Tampa Bay blew out New Orleans, 37-13, with Drew Brees throwing five — count them — five interceptions. Indianapolis held serve against the Jets for a 37-20 victory that offered some revenge for the 41-0 shellacking the Jets laid on them in January of 2003, while the Rams dominated the Redskins in the latter’s second straight disappointing playoffs, winning 34-6.

Divisional Round
The Patriots knocked out the Jaguars for the third time this decade, prevailing in a snowy 30-10 battle that saw Lawrence Maroney score three touchdowns. The Colts were unable to claim revenge on the Steelers for their early-2005 loss, with the Steelers winning 19-10. In the NFC, the Cowboys outscored the Rams in a shootout, with three DeMarcus Ware sacks contributing to a 38-24 victory, while the upset of the week saw the Buccaneers blow out the Vikings and poor Tarvaris Jackson on the road, 37-13.

Conference Finals
The Patriots famously blew out the Steelers’ following Anthony Smith’s trash talk in Week 14 of 2007; this game was closer, but a 25-21 victory with a wild finish gave the Patriots their Super Bowl spot. The game came down to an Ellis Hobbs interception in the end zone on the Steelers’ final drive. Their opposition was provided by the Cowboys, who beat the Buccaneers in another classic, 21-17. Tony Romo led the Cowboys down the field in the final two minutes, and when he hit tight end Jason Witten for an 18-yard touchdown pass with :39 left on the clock, the Buccaneers were heartbroken and finished.

Super Bowl
In the Super Bowl, the Patriots started off with the ball, marched down the field, and scored thanks to a Lawrence Maroney touchdown, giving them a 7-0 lead. There was no scoring until the end of the half, when a Stephen Gostkowski field goal put the Patriots up 10-0 heading into halftime.

Coming out of halftime, the Cowboys were clearly an inspired team. They scored when Tony Romo ran the ball in from six yards out, making the score 10-7. The Patriots responded with a huge kickoff return, but couldn’t move the ball and could only muster a field goal. That was topped when Isaiah Stanbeck returned the resulting kickoff 95 yards, giving the Cowboys a 14-13 lead. Each team traded field goals on their next possessions, and as the fourth quarter started, the Cowboys led by the narrowest of margins: 17-16.

The Patriots kicked another field goal, Gostkowski’s fourth of the game, to take a 19-17 lead. From there, the Cowboys were forced to punt, and the Patriots drove to the Cowboys 2, only for a Zach Thomas sack to force the Patriots to kick yet another field goal; Gostkowski’s sixteenth point of the game made the score 22-17.

With three minutes left, Tony Romo launched the drive of his life, the highlight being a 4th-and-2 on his own 33-yard-line where he hit Terrell Owens on a slant for a first down, only for Owens to break a tackle and scamper all the way down to the Patriots 19. Two plays later, Marion Barber ran in from eight yards out to make the score 23-22; they added a two-point conversion to make it 25-22.

Giving Tom Brady the ball with 84 seconds left seemed scary enough, but much like last year, Brady couldn’t get his drive started. He nearly threw an interception on first down, was sacked by Thomas on second down on a play where no one got open, was sacked by Ware on third down, and on fourth-and-26, Brady’s completed pass came up five yards short, ending the season and giving the Cowboys their sixth Super Bowl. Thomas was named the game’s MVP.

Links:

[IGN]: 2008 Season Simulation

Growing up, we were all about the numbers players sported on their jerseys. All you had to do was mention the digits and we instantly knew who you were talking about. Nowadays, not so much. What can we say; the passion for numbers has faded over the years. Still, we love sports and we love good debates and Yardbarker put together a list of the NFL’s best players to ever wear each number and it’s pretty interesting. So, who’s your favorite No. 42?

0. Wilber “Pete” Henry

00. Jim Otto

1. Jim Thorpe ~~~(He also worn #’s 3 & 21) so Warren Moon could also go here.

2. Charley Trippi

3. Bronko Nagurski ~~~ (if you put Warren MOON @ #1, JIM THORPE WOULD GO HERE)

4. Brett Farve

5. Paul Hornung

6. Benny Friedman

7. George “PAPA BEAR” Halas (He started it all for us); John Elway, if you don’t agree w/”PAPA BEAR”

8. Troy Aikman… Toss up with Steve Young, I went w/ the SB wins

9. Carson Palmer (today); Sonny Jergenson (Past)

10. Fran “THE MAN” Tarkenton

11. Norm Van Brocklin

12. Tom Brady (Smooth under pressure, SB wins, & Future HOF’er) Terry Bradshaw

13. Dan Marino (Tough call here no SB wins but a HOF’er) Don Maynard (my 2nd choice @ this #)

14. Y.A. Tittle

15. Bart Starr

16. Joe Montana however, George Blanda (Played 2 positions, {QB & K} & had the record for several years for most points scored in NFL history)

17. Don Meredith

18. Payton Manning but coin flip for Charlie Joiner as a close 2nd, but now that Randy Moss wear this #, would you guys in the Yard vote him over Payton? I don’t think so. You?

19. Johnny Unitas

20. Barry Sanders, Brian Dawkins or Ed Reed

21. LT2 (SD RB)

22. Emmitt Smith over Paul Krause & Roger Wehrli

23. Devin Hester James Lofton

24. Lenny Moore Champ Bailey

25. Fred Bilentnikoff

26. Herb Adderley over Rod Woodson

27. Ken Houston

28. Darrell Green

29. Eric Dickerson

30. Bill Willis

31. Jim Taylor

32. Jim Brown

33. Sammy Baugh over Tony Dorsett (Sorry Dallas Fans)

34. Walter “SWEETNESS” Payton over Earl Campbell

35. Pete Pihos

36. Brian Westbrook Jerome Bettis

37. Doak Walker

38. Mack Strong

39. Larry Csonka

40. Gale Sayers

41. Terrence Newman

42. ***THIS WAS {1} OF THE TOUGHEST #’s TO PICK FOR ME*** Paul Warfield, Ronnie Lott, Charlie Taylor & Sid Luckman…I’ll go CHARLIE TAYLOR

43. Troy Polamalu

44. John Riggins

45. T.J. Duckett Ladell Betts Emlen Tunnell (HOF’er) (this is a hard # to come up with the BEST EVER to Wear #45) Little Help here BARKERS..

46. Ladell Betts

47. Mel Blount

48. Justin Snow

49. Tony Richardson

50. Mike “WIDE EYED” Singletary

51. Dick Butcus

52. Mike Webster over Ray Lewis

53. Keith Bulluck over Harry Carson

54. Randy White over Brian Urlacher

55. Lance Briggs

56. LT (NYG LB) over Shawne Merriman

57. Dwight Stephenson

58. Jack Lambert

59. Jack Ham

60. Chuck Bednarik

61. Bill George

62. Jim Langer

63. Gene Upshaw over Willie Lanier

64. Dave Wilcox

65. Tom Mack over Elvin Bethea

66. Ray Nitschke in a close one over Larry Little & today’s Alan Faneca

67. ***MY SURPRISE PICK*** Tony Ugoh (if he keeps college #), I can’t think of any other that wore #67, can the yard help here?

68. Joe Delamielleure

69. John Runyan

70. Rayfield Wright over Art Donovan & Sam Huff

71. Walter Jones over Fred Dean

72. Dan Dierdorf

73. Ron Yary over John Hannah

74. Merlin Olsen over Ron Mix

75. Joe Green over Deacon Jones

76. Steve Hutchinson

77. Red Grange

78. Anthony Munoz over Jackie Slater & Art Shell oh and Bobby Bell

79. Bob St. Clair

80. Jerry Rice Steve Largent James Lofton Kellen Winslow, Cris Cater (all he did was catch touchdowns)

81. Dick “NIGHT TRAIN ” Lane over Doug Atkins and Randy Moss (he could be here at 81, 84 or 18..where does the yard put him) & Terrel Owens (TO)

82. Ozzie Newsome

83. Ted Hendricks

84. Randy Moss before he went to #18 (oh no, now who do you pick #18 if you don’t put randy here)

85. Jack Youngblood

86. Dante Lavelli over Buck Buchanan

87. Dave Casper over Willie Davis

88. John Mackey Marvin Harrison Alan Page Michael Irvin

89. Gino Marchetti over Mike Ditka

90. Julius Peppers

91. Tommie Harris

92. Reggie “Minister of Defense” White

93. Dwight Freeny

94. DeMarcus Ware

95. Shawn Phillips

96. Adalius Thomas

97. Patrick Kerney

98. John Henderson

99. Dan Hampton Jason Taylor Jerome Brown

Wondering why some of this looks familiar? Well, back in January, the Yard put out a similar list involving current NFL players. Equally interesting and debatable because there has just got to be a better No. 35 out there than Selvin Young.

Links:

[Yardbarker.com]: LIST: BEST Players to ever wear the number…
[Yardbarker.com]: The Best NFL Players by Number

Links:

[Deuce of Davenport]: The Bears Still Suck

The Oreo commercial’s with Peyton and Eli Manning going head-to-head in a lick-off always give us the creeps and make us a little nauseous. But now our worst nightmares have come true and the ridiculous ads are leaping off the television screen and right into reality.

PEYTON AND Eli Manning have won Super Bowls, but how quickly can the quarterbacks lick the icing from a Double Stuf Oreo?

Roxborough’s George Stolzer, 63, a retired firefighter, and his son, Christopher, 36, of Honey Brook, a shipping manager at UMAC, will find out on July 10 as they battle the Mannings in hopes of winning $10,000 in the Oreo Double Stuf Racing League “Lick Race” in New Orleans.

We’re guessing it’s going to look a lot like when we feed our dogs peanut butter, but odder.

Links:

[Hugging Harold Reynolds]: Two guys want to lick the Manning Brothers
[Philly.com]: Mannings put on their game faces for licking contest

Say hello to your newest
1,000-yard rusher

The NBA season is officially over, signifying the official starting of the countdown to the NFL kickoff. We’re still trying to figure out who our keeper is going to be for this year’s fantasy team, but, luckily, we still have time. And between now and then, we’ll probably flip flop between players over a hundred times thanks to crazy, outlandish predictions like these from FBKid’s Sports Minute.

Fbkid’s top ten shocking predictions for the NFL season

10. Matt Forte will run for 1,000 yards as a rookie

9. Drew Stanton will be the starting quarterback for the Lions by the end of the year

8. Keith Rivers will win defensive rookie of the year

7. The Oakland Raiders will be a playoff spoiler come December

6. The Carolina Panthers will make the playoffs

5. Jonathan Stewart will win offensive rookie of the year

4. The Buffalo Bills will make the playoffs

3. The Pittsburgh Steelers won’t make the playoffs

2. The Cowboys won’t be representing the NFC in the Super Bowl

1. Troy Smith will be the starting quarterback for the Ravens week one

We’ll go out on a limb and say the Cowboys won’t be representing the NFC and TO will once again go home with snot coming out his nose and tears streaming behind his Kool Moe Dee shades. Either way, you need to get your popcorn ready because you’re going to want a snack while you wait for the season kickoff to roll around on September 4. Skins in New York to face the Super Bowl champs, in case you were wondering.

Links:

[FBKid's Sports Minute]: top ten shocking predictions for the NFL season

You might not agree with Bill Maher all the time. Heck, you might not ever agree with him, but we certainly have his back on this one. Rolling Stone recruited Maher to put together a list of 2007 Dickheads of the Year and his No. 1 selection was the dog burier Michael Vick.

Stop saying what he did is a cultural thing, just one of those things black folks are known for, like jazz. He’s not one of the Scottsboro boys, he electrocuted dogs.

In other news…

[KGBT.com]: Bicycling’s biggest road hazard

[UnCoached.com]: Top 10 Tailgating Schools in the Nation

[The Big Lead]: Who wants to sex Big Brown?

[Lion in Oil]: Tanks from the Twins

[Busted Coverage]: NASCAR beatdown

[Sportsby Brooks]: Sweet Lou shows up in the strangest places

And finally, this is why the best seat to any live wrestling event is on your own couch.

Most people were shocked to hear about Marvin Harrison being interviewed in connection with a shooting last week. After all, this is the NFL equivalent of David Robinson being connected to a child prostitution ring. Most people just couldn’t comprehend the idea that one of the league’s squeakiest goody-two-shoes could possibly be involved in the incident. Well, almost everyone. ESPN’s Sal Paolantonio seems to think that Harrison is basically 50 Cent in pads.

The guns bullets were advertised as being able to penetrate…listen to this…48 layers of kevlar [armor] at 50 meters. Now who wears kevlar other than police officers? This gun is designed to be a cop killer.

We’ll be the first to admit that we don’t know Marvin Harrison from Adam, so it is indeed possible that he committed this crime. We’re going to reserve our judgment on that one, but we do have a problem with Paolantonio’s comments about Harrison choosing to establish a business in a bad part of Philadelphia. Last time we checked, there’s no law against being rich in a poor area, Sal.

Links:

[Sportaphile.com]: The Sports Media Turned On Marvin Harrison Already