Categories
Seattle Mariners

Odds and Ends: Ichiro goes bananas

Ever since we heard about Ichiro Suzuki’s out of character behavior every year at the All-Star Game, we thought something about the story sounded a little fishy. Well, we were right. As it turns out, Ichiro was accidentally exposed to the blast of a test detonation of a gamma bomb as a child. The effects were startling, making him a baseball machine, but also creating an emotional and impulsive alter ego. When anger or frustration set in, the transformation occurs. So, please, whenever around Ichiro, don’t make him angry. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.

In other news…

[D.C. Sports Bog]: Colt Brennan is a system QB…and a dork

[FoodCourtLunch.com]: Super Bowl halftime performer odds are released

[Kissing Suzy Kolber]: `Joe Simpson’s Daughter Touching Company’ and other snazzy fantasy football team names

[IntentionalFoul.com]: LeBron says the USA is as good as gold

[Chicago Bull]: Would you want to wrestle a Long Wang?

[eTrueSports.com]: “Brett, who is this Purple People Eater that keeps texting you?”

[Sportaphile.com]: Wow, has it really been 25 years and day since this…

[Bugs & Cranks]: We thought it was just passion, but cocaine is much more reasonable

[SimonOnSports.com]: We did much better on the “What Bra Size Do I Wear? Erin Andrews Edition”

[Fanhouses Boxing]: Wait, we missed the World Chess Boxing Championships again?!?

[The Zone Blitz]: A tour of Pac-10 stadiums, Google Earth style

[Mr. Irrelevant]: Redskins bust out the big balls to practice for upcoming Wipeout tryouts

[The Big Lead]: Last night’s minor league baseball rumble from a fan’s POV

[ABC News]: Ricky Williams is all over this article

[Blue Monkey Disco Party]: Bet you don’t have these cards in your collection

[Our of Right Field]: Remember this guy?

[Metacafe.com]: Some call it a prank, we call it a GREAT day

And finally, dude, use your star power!

Categories
Seattle Mariners

National League, tell me how my ass tastes

If you thought Ichiro Suzuki was simply some stone-faced, robot-like, baseball-playing, Japanese cyborg then you’d be right because the Mariners outfielder is exactly that for 99.9% of the season. However, there is one day when Suzuki lets loose, providing his team with an unquenchable firestorm of emotion and that day occurs every year at the All-Star Game when Suzuki releases a profanity-laced tirade against the NL team that would probably make Andrew Dice Clay blush a little.

Every year, after the AL manager addresses his team, Ichiro bursts from his locker, a bundle of kinetic energy, and proceeds, in English, to disparage the National League with an H-bomb of F-bombs, stunning first-timers who had no idea Ichiro speaks the queen’s language fluently and making returnees happy that they had played well enough to see the pep talk again.

The tradition began in 2001, Ichiro’s first All-Star appearance, and the AL hasn’t lost a game since. …

The exact words are not available. Players are too busy laughing to remember them. Ichiro wouldn’t dare repeat them in public. So here’s the best facsimile possible.

“Bleep … bleep bleep bleep … National League … bleep … bleep … bleeeeeeeeep … National – bleep bleep bleepbleepbleep!”

George Carlin is defiantly out there somewhere with a gigantic smile on his face.

Links:

[Sports Crackle Pop]: Ichiro’s F***ing Pep-Talk
[Yahoo! Sports]: Ichiro’s speech to All-Stars revealed

Categories
Seattle Mariners

Odds and Ends: John McLaren is (bleeped) off, ready to bust (bleep)

John McLaren exploded in the Mariners post game press conference and by now you’ve probably already heard or seen the clip on your favorite local television station, but the profanity is so much more impressive in print.

“We’re playing our (bleep) off every day and got nothing to show for it. I’m tired of (bleeping) losing, I’m tired of getting my (bleep) beat, and so have those guys. We gotta change this (bleeping bleep) around and get after it. And only we can do it. The fans are (bleeped) off, and I’m (bleeped) off, and the players are (bleeped) off. And that’s the way it is. There’s no (bleeping) easy way out of this, can’t feel sorry for ourself, we gotta (bleeping) buckle it up and get after it. I’m tired of (bleep) losing this, (bleeping) every night we bust our (bleep). It’s gotta be a total team (bleeping) effort to turn this thing around, and that’s it.”

In other news…

[SawxBlog]: Future chart topper: the MoMannyMoneyMix

[Sports Crackle Pop]: Get your Vanessa Curry masks while they last

[Women Like Sports]: A lady’s view on the NHL and NBA Finals

[Your Face is a Sports Blog]: RBI Baseball – possibly the greatest video game of all time – is coming back, back, back!

[BasRutten.com]: The Bas gives his two cents about the Kimbo Slice/James Thompson controversy

[phillyBurbs.com]: The Donald gets into the fight game

[UsMagazine.com]: Pappa Joe is driving Tony Romo bat-crap crazy

[NYDailyNews.com]: Big Brown has big prizes waiting for him in the winner’s circle

[Eric Wilbur’s Sports Blog]: More Lakers/Celtics videos than you can stomach

And finally, what could be better than a nice relaxing day at the waterpark?

Categories
Seattle Mariners

Richie Sexson has a depth perception problem

The benches cleared last night during the Rangers/Mariners game after Richie Sexson took offense to a Kason Gabbard pitch. And we’re still trying to figure out why. Here’s what the apparently nearsighted Sexson had to say.

“I’m 6-foot-8. He can hit corners at will,” Sexson said. “6-8 and all of a sudden he’s up that high? I’m a huge target. How hard is it to hit me? Hit me in the back or thigh. Up near my face is no good.

“I’ve been in the game a long time. I’ve been hit on purpose before. But it’s been the right way. You go to first. It’s part of the game. You know how it works.”

Or you don’t get hit, explode into a fit of rage and start hurtling your helmet at a pitcher. Either way.

Links:

[Yahoo.com]: Rangers, Mariners scuffle in Texas’ 5-0 win

Categories
Seattle Mariners

The Mariner Moose gets off Scot free

Just to show you how unique and individual the world of sports is, not only are you allowed to punch people repeatedly in boxing, crush their bodies in football and deliver some vicious hits in hockey, but apparently you can now dress up like a jackass and virtually run over a professional baseball player and receive absolutely no penalty! At least, the Mariner Moose got off the hook after his little stunt on an ATV went wrong and almost put Red Sox outfielder Coco Crisp on the shelf. But, hey, no harm, no foul, right?

The Mariners are very sorry about this unfortunate incident. We apologized Sunday to both Coco Crisp and the Red Sox, and they were very gracious about accepting our apology,” Tim Hevly, the team’s director of baseball information, said Tuesday night.

“There will be no punishment for the Moose,” Hevly said.

In case you haven’t seen the attempted crippling accident, here’s the whacky footage:

Never really gotten hit by a moving vehicle before. That was the most athletic thing I did all day,” Crisp said after the game. “It was an accident. I mean, I’m not going to run over and clothesline the guy.

Damn, Coco, we really wish you would have. Of course, if the shoe was on the other foot and the mascot got `accidentally assaulted’ then you’d be dealing with a money hungry Moose and a lawsuit. And nobody wants that.

Links:

[KOMOTV.com]: Mariner Moose escapes punishment for Sunday mishap

Categories
Seattle Mariners

Brandon Morrow has a pretty pink backpack


We love how the caption for this photo on Yahoo was: “Seattle Mariners rookie pitcher Brandon Morrow wears a pink childrens backpack as he walks to the bullpen prior to an MLB baseball game between the Chicago White Sox and the Seattle Mariners Wednesday, May 2, 2007 at Safeco Field in Seattle.”

That’s it. No explanation as to why he would be wearing a pink backpack. Well, it turns out that Morrow isn’t some weirdo or (gasp!) one of them there flamin’ homosexuals. We here at SC are always in dogged pursuit of the truth and it turns out it’s just part of the his rookie hazing and is a Mariners tradition.

The backpack is used to carry sunflower seeds and bubble gum and has Cupcake written on the back and comes with a matching purse… wait… dammit, so that’s who beat us out for that backpack on ebay.

Links:
[The Olympian]: Pink becoming on M’s rookie