Move over, Lazy Sunday. Get lost, Lazy Scranton. Step aside, Duke Fan Stan, because we’ve got a rap that will make you forget all about those funky rhymes while simultaneously reminding you to never, ever draft a quarterback in the first round.
If it wasn’t for rent being due, we’d be thrilled that first day of August has finally arrived. Before you know it, the end of the month will be here and so will college football and we all know it doesn’t get any better than that. But before we can enjoy the greatest sporting season on the face of the planet (minus the whole refusing to institute a playoff system, of course), we have to sit through a few more weeks of intense anticipation. Still, it couldn’t be any worse than the past 31 days, could it? According to the fellas over at Rumors and Rants, it can’t and they have a whole slew of reasons, one for each day of the month to be exact, for why July totally sucked for sports fans.
1. We had to suffer through a Tiger-less major and try to talk up the entertainment value of guys we’ve never heard of competing for a championship no one cared about.
2. I now know far too much about Greg Norman’s sex life. I don’t want to hear about how a 53-year-old guy is missing out on his honeymoon with his 53-year-old former tennis champion wife so he can melt down at a major championship. Yeesh.
3. I just learned that Ryan Newman is the most sought-after free agent in all of NASCAR. You don’t say? Thank you ESPNEWS for that little tidbit.
4. Xavier Nady and Damaso Marte? A broken-down Pudge Rodriguez for Kyle Farnsworth? And Mark Teixeira again? Five words: most boring trade deadline ever.
5. A-Rod’s wife filed for divorce and it was front page news. Then it was revealed that his relationship with Madonna was the impetus behind the split. Hmmm, maybe Jose Canseco was right about Rodriguez’s desire to follow where Canseco had already been. Also, what’s with A-Rod’s thing for manly women? As my sister said, “Between that tranny-looking stripper in Toronto and Madonna, he’s definitely had something shoved up his ass.” Well played sister, well played.
6. Only in July would Manny Ramirez acting like a jackass actually be big time news.
7. Brett Favre’s wireless plan made ESPN’s bottom line as “breaking news.” After days of speculation that Favre had used a Packers-issued cell phone to contact other teams, it was revealed that he did not in fact have a Packers-issued cell phone. Well good, thank the Lord that’s cleared up.
8. Ryan Sheckler, an 18-year-old skateboarder, was shirtless on ESPN the Magazine this month. Yes, ESPN thought it would be a good idea to put a shirtless pubescent male on the cover of their magazine. Thats not to be confused with the countless other shirtless guys who have appeared on the cover (Carl Edwards comes to mind). So uh, what, exactly is going on over there at The Mag?
9. So wait, NBA players are actually leaving the United States to go play in Europe? Look, Europe is nice for a vacation or for checking out the cans on your Greek tour guide, but living there full-time? Isn’t there a reason all those Euros are trying to come over here?
10. Let me get this straight, Luol Deng’s stats all dropped but he ended up with a bigger contract than he would have gotten last year? Apparently 17.0 points, 6.3 rebounds and 2.5 assists per game now equals a six-year, $80 million contract in NBA-terms. Yeah, a solid July-based move there.
11. While some may say baseball’s All-Star Game was exciting, they’re wrong, it was just plain boring. Aside from Dan Uggla doing his best Charles Smith impression (it’s an obscure reference, do some research), there wasn’t anything really that compelling about the game.
12. The WNBA had a brawl and it was predictably disappointing.
13. We had to listen to a month of Ron Artest trade scenarios. Who cares where he went? He’s just going to find a way to screw things up there too.
14. Rudy Giuliani’s kid is suing Duke. Nothing could possibly go wrong there.
15. The Detroit Pistons actually signed Kwame Brown. To repeat: someone is going to pay Kwame Brown to play basketball next season. Pay him money. I really want to know the guy associated with the Pistons who actually thought this was a good idea.
16. Jason Taylor danced his way right out of Miami.
17. Josh Hamilton’s amazing performance at the Home Run Derby was moving and inspirational. But during this miserable month every good story had to be ruined, in this case Justin Morneau killed what would have been a beautiful moment by actually beating Hamilton.
18. Somehow Sidney Ponson still has a job.
19. Welcome to the Clippers Mr. Davis. Welcome to Philadelphia Mr. Brand. I love that everyone is shocked that after seven years of suffering as a member of the Clippers that Elton Brand would want to get the hell out of there.
20. Richie Sexson was released by the Seattle Mariners and the New York Yankees swooped in and saved the day by signing him. Again, I want to know the guy who thought this was a good idea.
21. I don’t know much about NASCAR but thanks to a lack of anything real to talk about, I now know this: Goodyear tires suck.
22. Urban Meyer wrote a book. And he further proved that he’s an ass.
23. The Oakland A’s and Billy Beane continue to try and ruin baseball as we know it. Not only has Beane sent away Dan Haren, Rich Harden and Joe Blanton in less that a year, he’s now looking to dump Justin Duchscherer and Huston Street, in an attempt to get rid of any good players left in the A’s system. I love how Billy Beane is worshiped for the way he runs his franchise, when they’ve never won anything and frankly, the Minnesota Twins are the model low-budget franchise.
24. Speaking of the Twins: Hey Francisco Liriano is back and dominating…in AAA.
25. According to BallHype, this month we became a Kenny Perry blog. And as some of you might know, we f-ing hate Kenny Perry.
26. I made my first (and last) trip to Yankee Stadium, and was thoroughly underwhelmed. The stadium was pretty basic and looked like something out of the 70s. I know it was remodeled then, but for some reason I was thinking there would be some sort of nostalgic, old-timey experience. Hell, I didn’t even get yelled at by any belligerent Yankee fans. All-in-all it was nothing more than an average trip to a ballpark.
27. The Tour de France was this month. If a bunch of European guys in spandex climb mountains on bikes and nobody cares, did it actually happen? I mean, the least those guys could do is burst into flames when they crash.
28. Sadly, no one told the Houston Astros they’re completely out of the NL playoff race. The Cubs got Rich Harden, the Brewers got C.C. Sabathia and how did the ‘Stros respond? They scored Randy Wolf and LaTroy Hawkins. Apparently reality has no place in Houston, Texas.
29. Iraq was told they couldn’t participate in the Olympics. Then told they could. Yeah, this is exactly the kind of thing the IOC should be in control of, since that wholly competent body’s whims should be in charge of the hopes of millions of Iraqis who could really use a distraction from the 130 degree heat in August.
30. The Arena Bowl was this month. And no matter how much ESPN and Ron Jaworski try to convince me otherwise, Arena Football is an abomination. It’s not as bad as Canadian Football, but it’s close.
31. Hey, how ’bout those Padres huh?
[Rumors and Rants]: Thirty-One Reasons July Sucks
Michael Jordan might not be a rapper like Shaquille O’Neal, but that doesn’t mean he can’t talk some smack about Kobe Bryant…in front of a gymnasium full of kids! Hey, Kobe, tell us how Mike’s ass tastes.
Who would have ever guessed that longtime miscreant Ron Artest would be the only baller on the face of the planet to treat Kobe with a little respect?
[YardBarker.com]: MJ to Kobe: You couldn’t guard me
We know virtually nothing about the world of extreme sports, but we know what we like and we like seeing dudes hurtle through the air after plunging down the Godzillaramp. It’s really the unpredictability of it all that we love. You might see someone pull off a gnarly double-backside killer koala bear or you could see someone smash their shin bones into tiny fragments. Either way, it makes for a good view, but we’ll always prefer the latter.
[Awful Announcing]: X-Games Big Air Produces Another Insane Crash
If you love language-butchering and verbal buffoonery then this is going to be tough for you to take. Emmitt Smith has been released by ESPN, kinda.
It’s official. Emmitt Smith will not be part of ESPN’s two-hour pregame show, NFL Countdown, in 2008.
ESPN is expected to make the formal announcement soon.
Emmitt will be replaced by Cris Carter, whose enhanced visibility could help his chances of getting into the Hall of Fame on the second try. (Then again, if Carter does a bad job or comes off as a blowhard, it could hurt him.)
Emmitt will remain on Monday Night Countdown, and he’ll have a role on the Sunday morning pre-Countdown version of SportsCenter.
We know, we know; it’s difficult to confront. We loved listening to Emmitt slaughter the simplest of sentences just like everyone else. Don’t forget though, he’s not gone; he’s just on two hours less each week. Anyways, utterances like these will live on forever.
In other news…
[FanHouse.com]: Guess which golfer got rid of his man boobs?
[The Undrafted Free Agent]: Mountaineer basketball players love their alcohol
[Bugs & Cranks]: Yup, William Hung is still a horrible singer
[By the Numbers]: Vote no on a tournament in college football. Wait, what???
[YardBarker.com]: Ocho Cinco, Too Tall, Crazy Legs, Bad Moon, Gravedigger and many, many more of your favorite NFL nicknames
[SportsAgentBlog.com]: Finally, a reason besides Erin Andrews to love the University of Florida
[Rush the Court]: NBA draft picks by school (1949-2008)
[CollegeHumor.com]: “Oh, monsieur!! The boys took a beating on that one.”
[Redskins.com]: Colt Brennan is a system quarterback and a blogger
[The Big Picture]: “Booze + Ambien + bad judgment + flight attendants = one year of jail time and a $4,000 fine”
[The Love of Sports]: Yogi Berra gets robbed, winds up with only one of the Top 20 Baseball Quotes of All Time
[SidelineHotties.com]: Finally, a site devoted entirely to sideline hotties
[TampaBay.com]: If the Rays win the World Series, we want a large with pepperoni and jalapenos
[Hollyscoop]: Freddie Prinze Jr. joins the WWE and becomes The Masked Blogger
[Tirico Suave]: Can it get any better than babes telling us about fantasy football? Uh, no
[Kissing Suzy Kolber]: `Just make it look like an accident’
[The World of Isaac]: Hallelujah, we can finally forget about Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon
And finally, hey, where’d you find that guy? We’ve been looking for a little person friend who’s willing to kick himself in the head with steel toe boots too!!
Chad Johnson easily reigns as the league’s funniest guy, but, apparently, Ocho Cinco isn’t all fun-n-games because he’s already planning on how he can injury Carson Palmer in a fight.
Why you laughing? We’re serious.
We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again, nothing gets the NFL juices flowin’ like a little preseason premeditated assault.
[Shot Clock Violation]: Ocho Cinco: I’m gonna hit [Carson] in his knee…the bad one.
If you thought the Mighty Morphing Power Rangers, Voltron or The Planeterers were some incredible teams then you’ll appreciate the collaborative efforts of Fuwa; not to be mistaken with FUPA. In case you didn’t know, Fuwa is a collection of five characters who will be the Official Mascots of the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games. Frankly, we find these guys a little creepy, but we have no sense of culture, so what do we know. Let’s get to know the little critters better.
Designed to express the playful qualities of five little children who form an intimate circle of friends, Fuwa also embody the natural characteristics of four of China’s most popular animals — the Fish, the Panda, the Tibetan Antelope, the Swallow — and the Olympic
Each of Fuwa has a rhyming two-syllable name — a traditional way of expressing affection for children in China. Beibei is the Fish, Jingjing is the Panda, Huanhuan is the Olympic Flame, Yingying is the Tibetan Antelope and Nini is the Swallow.
When you put their names together — Bei Jing Huan Ying Ni — they say “Welcome to Beijing,” offering a warm invitation that reflects the mission of Fuwa as young ambassadors for the Olympic Games.
They might be intended to “carry a message of friendship and peace,” but Beibei is standing there with a smile on her face, wearing a hat made of water while Huanhuan is burning to a crisp. That’s just being a straight cold bitch where we come from. We guarantee none of the Top 10 Coolest Olympic Mascots would pull a stunt like that.
Cool Olympic Mascot #10. Howdy and Hidi
The polar bear siblings were the faces of the 1988 Calgary Winter Olympics. With both names expressing a feeling of welcome and brotherhood, they symbolized the warmth of Canadian hospitality.
Cool Olympic Mascot #9. Hodori
Tigers and marketing seem to go hand in hand and the animal was perfect for the 1988 Seoul Summer Olympics. Hodori was designed as good-natured tiger and portrayed the friendly and hospitable traditions of the Koreans.
Cool Olympic Mascot #8. Sam
With the Summer Olympics being held in Los Angeles in 1984, Walt Disney decided to design a mascot. His creation: Sam, a cartoon eagle who’s not afraid of showing his true colours.
Cool Olympic Mascot #7. Vuchko
Despite looking a bit stubborn, Vuchko was a cheerful wolf who was the face of the 1984 Sarajevo Winter Olympics. The mascot helped to change the frightening image of the animal which was present in the region.
Cool Olympic Mascot #6. Waldi
The colourful dachshund was claimed to be the first official Olympic mascot at the 1972 Summer Games in Munich. Along with representing athletic qualities such as resistance, tenacity and agility, Waldi’s colours also symbolized the joy of the international event.
Cool Olympic Mascot #5. Hare, Coyote and Bear
Keeping to the country’s heritage, the trio stood for the 2002 Salt Lake City Winter Olympics’ motto. The snowshoe hare, coyote and American black bear represented “Citius, Altius Fortius” (Faster, Higher and Stronger).
Cool Olympic Mascot #4. Cobi
For some, it can be difficult to figure out what exactly the 1992 Barcelona Summer Olympics mascot is. But the trick is to not overanalyze because Cobi is simply a dog in a suit.
Cool Olympic Mascot #3. Ollie, Syd and Millie
Whether it’s the names or the animals, the trio was perfect for the 2000 Sydney Summer Olympics. The kookaburra, platypus and echidna symbolized the event, the host city and the new millennium.
Cool Olympic Mascot #2. Schneeman
Some would find it surprising to see one of the first mascots created to be ranked so high, but the snowman is definitely cooler than most. The 1976 Innsbruck Winter Olympics mascot stood for the “Games of Simplicity”.
Cool Olympic Mascot #1. Izzy
One of the reasons this particular mascot for the 1996 Atlanta Summer Olympics is at the top of the list is because nobody knew what it was. That was the point; “Izzy” was an abstract fantasy figure derived from “What is it?”.
Sometimes we think owners give their horses stupid names just to make the race announcers sound like fools. But, hey, we’re not complaining.
The NBA is a league of big men and bigger salaries. Last season, everybody in the Association pulled down at least a cool $427,163 with the minimum salary jumping to $442,114 next year. And, yes, even Jelani McCoy and Bracey Wright will make that much. But if you think that is a case of serious overpayment, just wait until you get a load of YardBarker.com‘s list of the 25 Most Overpaid NBA Players (in no particular order). And, yes, Darko Milicic and Dan Gadzuric made the cut.
1. Samuel Dalembert($10,500,000)
3. Lamar Odom($14,600,000)
4.The entire New Knicks roster(current payroll $90,467,471)
5. Ben Wallace ($14,500,000)
6. Steve Francis($19,814,480)
8. Nazr Mohammed ($6,049,400
9. Larry Hughes ($12,827,676)
10.Eric Dampier ($9,550,000)
11. Troy Murphy ($10,126,984)
12.Tim Thomas ($6,049,400)
13. Vladimir Radmanovic ($6,049,400)
14. Antoine Walker ($9,320,500)
15. Darko Milicic ($7,000,000)
16. Shawn Marion ($17,000,000)
17. Dan Gadzuric ($6,246,250)
18. Jason Collins ($6,200,000)
19. Bobby Simmons ($9,920,000)
20. Rashard Lewis ($17,238,000)
21. James Posey (apprx. $8.5 million)
22. Reggie Evans ($4.640,000)
23. Etan Thomas ($6,860,000)
25. Vince Carter ($15,200,000)
[YardBarker.com]: 25 Most Overpaid NBA Players
The Olympics are rapidly approaching and the one question on everyone’s mind is, “Will the Nigerian football team players cut off their sweet locks or what?”
Nigeria’s Olympic football coach Samson Siasia has warned his players that he expects short hair and correct clothing for the Beijing Games, a federation spokesman said on Friday.
Siasia, known as a stickler for discipline, believes that his players are devoting too much time to their elaborate hairstyles, time which he believes could be better used in fine-tuning their performances.
And the coach goes as far as to claim that players with short hair are more aerodynamic and so find it easier to find their rhythm on the pitch.
So the hair makes all the difference, huh? Well, explain these athletes then.
In other news…
[Awful Announcing]: Jeff Brantley does not want to run into Ken Griffey Jr in a dark alley
[JoeSportsFan.com]: We still can’t believe we actually beat Mr. X
[ESPN]: Best NFL playoff performances
[Athlebrities.com]: Baron Davis has a Shemagwhat?
[SportsByBrooks.com]: Erin Andrews’ bed. Mmmmmmmm, Erin Andrews’ bed
[Sportaphile.com]: Homophobic ad No. 1…
[BottomLineCom.com]: And homophobic ad No. 2
[Uncoached]: We heart New York
[Need4Sheed.com]: Optimistic about Kwame?!? Bwah-hahahahahahahaha!!
[UniqueDaily.com]: Another completely pointless record gets broken
[Tirico Suave]: Groundhog stew. Mmmmmmmmm, groundhog stew
[Yahoo! Sports]: Pat Riley is still a sucker for yellow
[Larry Brown Sports]: Would really expect anything less from Randy Moss’ daughter?
[WagRankings.com]: The 21 hottest sports movie WAGs
[Dbacks.com]: Diamondbacks fans love their dogs
[BannedInHollywood.com]: Golden Bear goddess
And finally, friendship moves!